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</p>
<p>Wait, I’m confused by this (though it’s possible that I’m misunderstanding the symbolism). I’m pretty sure that on most clocks the hands are pointing down at 7:30.</p>
<p>^but on their way up, which is, I suspect, the superstition/tradition ;)</p>
<p>I haven’t caught up on this thread but now I know where Moda’s wedding details are being harbored 
I came over because I hadn’t heard much on the other thread, and there are rumors afoot that I will get to deal with all this soon enough.</p>
<p>I am hoping to be trained in an understanding of what folks generally expect at a wedding, because I seemed to have a secular talent for offending all in my own 
(just kidding…sort of…but maybe not really…)</p>
<p>At any rate, I know I don’t want to be the rogue monster-in-law, and unbeknownst to me previously, I recently learned that there’s already been some debate around what city said future wedding will take place in etc. that seems connected to me. So my well-meaning son may be over-representing my geographic case, when in actual fact I would completely understand that mcgf’s large, catholic family on the opposite coast might have a practical, sentimental, and parish-related interest in hosting a wedding there. I’ve straightened mcson out on that one and hopefully at least headed off any misrepresentation of what my wishes might be and explained how in actual fact, same are kinda moot ;)</p>
<p>You have to love an independent-minded daughter… don’t you?</p>
<p>As it turned out, Groom had a brief chat with his mother, but since she was joining us (and there were meeting me there) for D’s first dress fitting (well, it’s actually the second, but the first with this seamstress), D took the opportunity on the drive to just solidify the finer points.</p>
<p>Baby Jane is now wearing a bronzish dress with an overlay of cream flowers on the hem. I think it will be beautiful and as I AGAIN told D at dinner, She can obsess over these details after she has all other details decided and a go. Until then, it’s a blip to ignore. But the direct conversation with the future MIL went well… until the maid of honor (also in the car) brought up the engagement party in August 2011! Yes, nearly two years ago. The point was that the maid of honor hadn’t attended (mostly because no wedding party had been chosen) but somehow it came up that groom’s sister was unable to attend as well. MoG then said how actually, the sister hadn’t been invited to which D took massive exception. But instead of just arguing, she pulled up an email of mine from two years ago that I cc’d her where I had specifically asked for people and addresses to invite grooms family or friends of the family since most live in Colorado and we were in NY, AND I had also offered to find them FREE places to stay. I was insulted to hear she remembered the occasion as my being ungracious, but D said, there is a reason why she has saved every email I’ve ever written her, although not usually as a reason to prove people wrong. Still… the MoG said something like, that’s not what I recall… and D said… “You may not recall it that way, but my Mom has a “thing” about making sure everyone feels welcome, so I knew that didn’t sound right.” Sometimes I just love her delivery! It’s like she’s teasing me while at the same time proving her point. Perfect balance of a response in my mind and I thanked her. Because she’s right… to think anyone considered me inhospitable when the attempt was exactly the opposite was really quite hurtful.</p>
<p>At the fitting, I admit I became a little tweaked when MoG kept telling the seamstress what she and D had decided… but I looked at D and she just gave me her look that said, ignore it. I was especially flattered when the seamstress told me I had good intuition for how it should look and she was in the business of making that happen. I will also confess that when I tied D’s sash in a bow, MOG went over to fix it saying she preferred it smaller… the seamstress said the result looked more more Juvenile than bridal. The confession part? I felt a small swell of satisfaction to be “right.” I know… petty and wrong. But sometimes you feel what you feel for no other reason than she is my daughter and I know best!</p>
<p>And when details of the wedding came up, I just kept reiterating, this is my opinion but it’s not my wedding, so I just want you and groom to be happy with whatever is decided. Hoping she heard it wasn’t about grandchildren’s happiness. D also said that during their little talk, the MoG had warmed considerably to the attendant for baby jane and brother. So… all good news for the most part.</p>
<p>Bride, maid of honor arrive on Monday and Groom’s parents arrive on Tuesday to meet with the people/venue where they are hosting the rehearsal dinner. Might be interesting, but Im staying out of that. The ONLY thing that slightly bugged me is that she doesn’t seem to be asking bride or groom for input. However, D will be here, so I think input is a given… respectful of course. D is a gem that way… although there was one point yesterday where I asked her to check her “tone.” Somethings truly NEVER change!!</p>
<p>As a comment about Mother-in-laws… </p>
<p>I think my own MIL had some stereotype in her mind that the MIL of son’s never get along with the wife. I know her own MIL and she didn’t mesh well and her mother felt she should have married an investment banker (vs a highly successful guy in a different line of work). </p>
<p>Anywho… I have always tried to honor the job my MIL did with her own son but at the same time, she tends to love a cocktail (or rather might be having cocktails without other people knowing) so when she has that one glass of wine at 5, she’s pretty looped by 6. My point is, I picked my battles and this wasn’t one of them. I would often meet her for lunch, would encourage H to take the kids over to their house (when they lived in town) without me, and to this day, he will go out and visit with at least one solo visit. I am very lucky, however, that the other Daughter in law likes to poke the bear (probably to prove power)… and so, my MIL finds her to be abrasive and kinda rude. Technically, I am the more abrasive person, but tend to defer to her as long as it’s not after 7pm. Then I just try to avoid… I see no reason to not accommodate her where I can because if I can’t, she doesn’t seem to hold it against me. AND I make a point to compliment her on her strengths… awesome cook, beautiful gardener and if you’ve got an etiquette question, she will have the answer. So… after 25 years, I just don’t engage after 7pm and we’re good! :)</p>
<p>Wise. Very wise.</p>
<p>Yes, and just keep in mind that you will miss your MIL when she is gone no matter what. There are few people that appreciate/love your children as much as a grandparent does. I was fortunate to have in-laws that got along well with my own parents. Both sides really took an effort to get to know each other in our best interest. My MIL passed about a year ago and I still miss her. We were closer than I realized and she contributed so much to family life. She had wonderful qualities and I see many of these qualities in my own D. The years really do fly by.</p>
<p>It sounds like things will work out just fine, Moda. So glad to hear!</p>
<p>My own MIL is one of the most beloved figures in our entire extended family. I really hit the jackpot, I have to say. She’s 92, and still funny, sweet, gracious, interested in everyone yet not too meddling, and quiet about her own discomforts. She has complimented me through the years in such thoughtful ways. Some of my favorites; "You’re the best thing that ever happened to my son, " and, “You just keep getting prettier every year!”<br>
The latter is a complete lie, but I still appreciate it. </p>
<p>She’s my role model. She certainly will be dearly missed.</p>
<p>I wanted to make a comment regarding who walks down the aisle with whom, ex’s not talking, who’s paid what (or hasn’t) for umteen years, etc., etc. This is one area, at least on the brides side I honestly think you put on your big girl pants and do what’s going to make her happy. This is a very symbolic and emotional part of the ceremony. My parents hadn’t spoken in years. My dad had left, had not seen me while I was growing up, and yes, he married the girlfriend. As a young adult I sought him out and started a new relationship. I’m sure there were plenty of people in the chapel that day that thought my father had no place, no right to walk me down the aisle. But for years I honestly had no idea who would, thinking he was gone. This was what I wanted and it meant the world to me. My mother and father behaved beautifully for my sake during the wedding. Efforts were made to ensure they were not put in difficult positions (formal portraits always had them on opposite sides of DH and I, etc.). I believe my brother seated my mom, to be honest, I don’t even remember, but to think that there would have been a ton of buzz going on in the background I would have been very upset. No, the bride is not the princess and she doesn’t rule the day at the expense of all others. It is the bride and grooms day and they should consider others in their decisions. But when it comes to who is walking the bride down the aisle, and the logistics of how everyone else is being seated, please make it fuss free and let her choose without guilt.</p>
<p>Oh my, Moda. It sounds like the MOG has met her match in your D! You didn’t by any chance happen to notice her expression when the corroborating email was pulled put, did you?</p>
<p>Ah well, MOG will be slighted despite your best efforts, I fear. You all are handling it well. Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>Is it common for mog to go to the dress fitting? My mil had no input on my dress.</p>
<p>^^^No, I don’t think it’s common, but it is was a nice gesture on Moda and her Dd’s part to include her.</p>
<p>glad sil spoke w his mom Moda, does sound like mil is starting to get the picture about the ceremony. </p>
<p>impressed with your d’s composure and cleverness with pulling up that email, great way for your d to stand up for who you are. (an early Mother’s day gift) </p>
<p>mil does sound intrusive, found myself really annoyed that she “corrected” how you tied your daughter’s bow, as it was kind to include her to begin with. I do like your dressmaker ;)</p>
<p>familykCT–it’s true that few people love your children like their grandma…I had a mil who acted up when she learned her s and I were engaged, to the tune of; " I’ll have nothing to do with your wedding" (because we failed to inform her ahead of our personal engagement dinner) this negative behavior continued for years, but we managed to forge a relationship through the years simply because she loved my kids, and that was bigger than all the other stuff. even though she was my ex mil when she passed a few years ago I have surprisingly missed her. Like many others here I too hope to be a very different mil.</p>
<p>I happened to be in town when my nephew’s fianc</p>
<p>
+1 agree completely!</p>
<p>Moda, When you say your D “solidified the finer points” with her FMIL, do you mean to say that she made it clear that Jane is not a flower girl? Or was the change in her dress just incidental? Regarding the engagement party, is it at all possible that future SIL’s invitation was lost in the mail? These things do happen from time to time. Or, she could have misplaced it in a pile of mail, the MIL could have the story all wrong etc. etc. </p>
<p>My only real concern about this ancient history is if the SIL and MIL have been offended about it all this time. Not to beat a dead horse, but in this case, I’d definitely want to clear the air with the sister, as well. I would feel badly if she thought she was not invited all this time.</p>
<p>I think D will mention it, but as I recalled on my drive home, I specifically was told the Daughter was working and couldn’t come… as to not being invited by invitation, I was never sent her address and so, way back then, I wasn’t even sure they supported the wedding, you know? So I took her at her word. I had never met the woman before that weekend. And whereas I used to think she was really quite lovely in a soft spoken way, I now realize she just uses a very passive tone but her words are often anything but. But seriously… she is nothing I can’t handle. When SIL comes I will say, “I am so glad to have you here! We were so disappointed when you couldn’t come to the engagement party. I can’t believe it was two years ago! You mom had said you couldn’t come due to work; what is it that you do? Do you like it?” And immediately the subject is changed. All about word order. My point is made but in a way that no further discussion is needed. I don’t care whether she even registers it… but I know it’s the truth and I AM glad she is coming. I WAS disappointed she hadn’t come before. So, nothing disingenuous about it either! </p>
<p>But here’s one for the apple of this tree. And I can seriously say, I would have rarely been so bold! Apparently D forwarded the email to the future MIL saying, "I felt so badly to learn you had the memory that we hadn’t invited your family to the engagement party. I know it was a long time ago, but it would have been very hurtful to me had I felt that, so I just wanted you to know that this wasn’t the case and my family is so looking forward to meeting yours!</p>
<p>Yep… she’s super sweet and really, has the patience of a saint… I am often amazed how generous she is to everyone. But she does indeed have a certain sass that is disarming… You’d think she was southern! :)) JK PEOPLE…</p>
<p>Last thing… totally agree with blue. My father walked me down the aisle both times I got married (like he couldn’t get rid of me?). The first time i got married, my parents were newly separated/divorcing and it was u.g.l.y. Money was a huge source of contention and my Dad (in hindsight) was probably very smug about his position of power. I completely adored my dad, but I don’t think I could have been married to him. anyway… they barely spoke, but sucked it up in a really tense way to basically get thru is. Eight years later when I remarried, they had already remarried as well and it was so much fun. My Dad’s introduction to the complication of our family tree was the stand up hit of our rehearsal dinner. It was awesome and had everyone laughing at our own modern family. </p>
<p>I am also pleased to report that folks I honestly had thought would decline are coming! Exciting but a little worried about our current reception layout… one day at a time! Five weeks to go!</p>
<p>Your dau is a gem, Modadunn.</p>
<p>Ok, well clearly you did not invite the SIL to the engagement party because you “heard she couldn’t come.” Maybe it would have been nice for the groom’s sister to at least receive an invitation anyway? Maybe there is some possible way you might have been able to get that address?</p>
<p>I bet it would feel amazing to rise above battles about how big a bow is tied on the back of a dress and whom the seamstress seems to like better. </p>
<p>There is a lot of scorekeeping going on here. The truly highest score goes to those who rise above. I know it’s hard, but give it a try maybe.</p>
<p>Your daughter might feel triumphant now because she managed to get a six year old girl to change her dress color, but that might feel like less of a “win” when she matures. </p>
<p>There’s a lot of battling for control here, and you’ve got a month until the wedding and a lifetime with these people. That quality you describe as “southern” in your post might be described as others as “passive aggressive.” Plenty of that in all regions. </p>
<p>Do you really have to say that pre-prepared little quip to the SIL when you see her? How about something more generous, like “I heard that you thought you weren’t invited to the engagement party. I’m so sorry. Of course we wanted you there. I realize I probably should have sent you an invitation. I heard that you couldn’t make it, so I didn’t. My bad. But really, I am so sorry if you felt overlooked. We are so happy to have you with us now.”
Followed by genuine smile and hug. </p>
<p>You’d be amazed at how this will make you feel.</p>
<p>My kids already said when the time comes to buy a dress, it would just be four of us going together, no entourage of friends/in-laws. H has very good sense of style and I am one who could keep the budget in line. D1 said we have done so much as a family, it just wouldn’t be right to have someone else yet.</p>
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<p>No matter what? Au contraire! I’m truly happy for you that you had a good relationship with your mil. But how can you not see that not everyone is so fortunate? I will not miss my mil at all.</p>