Mother of Groom going Rogue!

Parent Cafe
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<p>With the exception of a short period of craziness while DH was undergoing cancer treatment, my MIL has been a gem and would be sorely missed if she passed. But I’ve read of some real nightmare MILs right here on CC. Some of them are so toxic that if I were in the DIL’s situation, I’d have zero to do with them. Some relationships just cannot be salvaged and are completely unhealthy. I could totally see how the passing of such awful people would not be met with grief by someone related only by marriage.</p>

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<p>I asked for the addresses of those to be invited. More than once. I wasn’t given any. Not by the MOG and not by the groom himself. As I said, two years ago, I didn’t know if the groom’s parents were even pleased with the match. I therefore believed what she told me and didn’t step over her, as that would be equally presumptuous had she not wanted anyone else to come (vs they couldn’t). I have my own family dynamics to worry about, so I had/have no intention of figuring out all of theirs or their reasons for not inviting. Not my business, but it becomes somewhat my business if you’re going to say i excluded someone. </p>

<p>I think we are being incredibly generous and welcoming, so yes, it bothered me to think she was either believing or intimating we hadn’t invited the family intentionally. A lot. (The Father of the groom has only one sister). As it is, we’re giving the grooms family our little condo and my neighbor across the hall is giving theirs to the Groom’s family to use so they have a home base vs staying in individual rooms in the hotel. I don’t know about other out of town groom’s families, but doubtful the parents of the bride would give them the equivalent of a house. In fact, they are the only ones not paying some sort of rent, as even I am paying to use the family house (as that’s how it works with 6 owners, we have a family rate we pay so the taxes, upkeep, etc gets paid throughout the year). Even my inlaws are renting the house next door (vs staying in the hotel). I could have easily put my husband’s brothers and sisters in my place and next door and then too, I wouldn’t have felt the need to reorganize the entire place. So I feel pretty good about the level of hospitality here. Definitely rising above, as you say.</p>

<p>And while it may not be typical, I didn’t even blink that the MOG was coming to the dress appointment, but she definitely should have taken a back seat to some degree with me there. Having a whispered conversation about what the bride and she had “decided” with the seamstress was out of place. So, yes, the bow comment gave me some satisfaction. I said it was petty, but at least I was honest about it.</p>

<p>And no, I don’t think the dress was changed. But I don’t think the child’s Mother (sister to the groom) has even seen it because (I was told) grandma buys ALL her children’s clothes. I think it is Ivory with an organza bronze overlay or something. So maybe there was some misunderstanding about the dress, or maybe when Groom talked to his mom that’s when the dress was changed. No idea and D did not say anything to her future MIL about the dress, but the finer points that there are no children in the wedding and she wants the MOG to enjoy her role as MOG and not grandma during the dinner of the reception.</p>

<p>And in case you missed it, we are financially helping with the rehearsal dinner, but it’s not as if I am thinking I have any say in what is done. </p>

<p>So I think I am rising above just fine. This is the same woman who wanted her first name on the wedding invitation and although groom’s parents are not really on the invitation unless they too are hosting (i.e. paying), we had it figured out using son of Mr. and Mrs. Groom, but then she said she wanted their first names… and not full. As in, Joe for Joseph and Barb for Barbara. (not their real names). Groom made the executive decision to just remove the name entirely instead of arguing or trying to convince her otherwise. D&I agree she has probably been left with the impression that this was my decision, when it wasn’t. I am not touching that one as it only throws groom under a bus and I don’t really care as IMO it was just etiquette… you don’t go all casual in the middle of a formal invitation.</p>

<p>All in all… I think I am doing just fine, but sometimes you need a little vent and think CC is a good outlet for that. I am sure she has her own point of view where I am less than ideal, a control freak or whatever, and maybe she’s complaining up a storm on some other forum. Who knows? :slight_smile: </p>

<p>And hey, I thought it odd my daughter even had an email I had cc’d her two years ago. But she said she’s kept everything I’ve ever written her… which is touching to me in a sort of pack rat/creepy way. :slight_smile: But it’s true that it bothered us both A LOT that she had somehow remembered it as we had not invited other people when I clearly asked more than once. The email daughter saved specifically asked for sisters address and any other family or friends they wanted to include. It wasn’t even a huge deal of a party and mostly was planned around a time when a lot of my family was going to be in town. My own Mother wasn’t there. And too, the groom’s family had a picnic for the couple last summer and I never got an invitation because I already had said I wasn’t able to go, but they invited my inlaws who went (they live about two hours away from MOG’s family) and by all accounts had a fine time AND MIL wrote a thank you note to MOG afterwards for a lovely time. </p>

<p>Bottom line is, I am excited Groom’s family are coming to the wedding, and I feel good I am able to give them my place for a home base with a great porch for entertaining and I am working pretty darn hard to make sure that the organization of the place will make it easy for her to find things so she feels at home. I don’t expect any kind of payback but I also hope Im not characterized as anything other than considerate and inclusive.</p>

<p>When my MIL passes away… I honestly don’t know how I will feel. She’s been talking about her will for the past 25 years and basically taken her daughter out of it twice! :slight_smile: So you do the math. it’ll be different, that’s for sure.</p>

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<p>It may just be one of those cases where you are “damned if you do and damned if you don’t,” anyway modadun. All you can do is know you did it “right” for your own sake and your daughter’s sake. And you have.</p>

<p>Other than that, I foresee you won’t have to spend a minute with the MOG once the wedding gets going.</p>

<p>I hope you do have some fun!</p>

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<p>Village Mom. It wasn’t perfect. She was a MIL after all. But I am surprised that things that were difficult around the wedding or the first years we were married completely dissipated as the years went on. I learned to appreciate her qualities as the years went by. I just think its sad how quickly time marches on. Any my MIL was a very sweet person. She had our best interests at heart. And she adored my children!</p>

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<p>My MIL was a good woman who lived decades too early. She didn’t like children and never wanted to be a mother or grandmother, which resulted in her being terrible at both. Unfortunately, she didnt see any alternate life path. When MIL died, she left 6 grandchildren who didntmhave a single good memory among them. But she was a great sister, friend and employee. I have the greatest admiration for women who are not only wonderful mothers and grandmothers, but mothers-in-law as well.</p>

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<p>Moda, kudos to your d on many fronts, but especially on establishing that she will not be party to historical revisionism at the hands of a potentially manipulative MIL, who for whatever reason – likely one that involves envy or dissatisfaction with her power within her own life – is being less than gracious.m</p>

<p>People tend to find me blunt, and only recently have I actually learned a wee bit of tact (ymmv). So I would likely fall into the camp of saying to the relative something painfully direct, along the lines of “I was shocked to learn from monster-in-law :slight_smile: that you felt you were not invited to the engagement party. It was communicated to me that you had to work, and since I wasn’t given your address, assumed erroneously that you knew we had thought to include you. My apologies, I’m so glad you’re here now.”</p>

<p>So, that is the bluntest version of truth available, and its a wee bit evil, because it throws MIL under the bus entirely. You’re approach, while less direct, is perhaps the kinder route, and if that’s the route you choose, I commend your restraint :)</p>

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I am so glad that my DILs did not feel that way. They were so kind to invite me and it meant the world to me. Since then they has been warm, caring and wonderful and made me feel almost as important to them as their own mother. I will be eternally grateful that my sons chose girls who have opened their hearts to our whole family and become such an important part of it. My first DIL treats my second DIL as a sister even though she already had three of her own. I love those two girls!!!</p>

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<p>Sweet post 3b</p>

<p>Sent from my Nexus 7 using CC</p>

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<p>My daughter seems to treat future mother in law and me as interchangeable. Whoever is nearby gets to do the “thing.”</p>

<p>Also, future MIL has no daughters, only sons, and really loves doing all this kind of stuff. I can’t imagine not inviting her for the dress shopping. </p>

<p>But, if a family wants to do it another way, that’s fine. And some women really do not enjoy this kind of thing. I imagine, as young men tend to choose women like their mothers, that youngest, who hates things like dress shopping will end up with a MIL who would rather take a pass on that, as well.</p>

<p>But, it’s all the same, either way, to me.</p>

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<p>Well then, I want to go with my SILs to pick out their tuxes!!! Fair’s fair. :)</p>

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<p>Hah! :p</p>

<p>My daughter is picking the tuxes. Fiance just wants to pick the band and to make sure there is steak on the menu. Other than that, he doesn’t seem to care.</p>

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<p>My daughters have both said that they won’t invite MILs for dress shopping if they marry current boys. D1 has a FMIL who has no interest in her children and d2’s boyfriend is completely estranged from his mother, which happened before he was involved with D. I’m glad they won’t come as both are difficult, unpleasant women.</p>

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<p>This is a sobering thread. Makes me want to be really careful if/when my s’s get engaged that I am helpful, supportive and not a MOGzilla. I The fact that we are geographically far away from or kids might contribute to that somewhat. It would be wonderful if I were ever to be invited to participate in the bride stuff. I’d jump on the plane in a heartbeat. Not having girls has its drawbacks.</p>

<p>zoos-
Do you like your daus’ current bfriends? I’d always heard (though maybe its a religions ting for us) to look at how a son treats his mom when looking at a potential spouse. When the relations with mom and son are strained, that could be a little worrisome. Might be perfectly fine, but I am a worrier. And moms of daughters are rightfuly protective of them.</p>

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<p>Jym, I like both very much, but am closer to one than the other because we share a similar hobby and live in the same neighborhood, whi,e the other works long hours and is finishing a graduate degree so we don’t see him as often. The latter actually supports his mom because she has significant issues. The other one has a mother whose behavior is so egregious as to not belong in polite society. She is the one who, when learning that the engagement ring she left at the home when she abandoned the family had been given to her S1 because it was his paternal grandmother’s ring and he hoped to use it for his future wife someday, sued to get it back and promptly sold the diamond. She never sued or requested custody or visitation with her sons and has never paid a cent in support since walking out. So they are both good guys with challenging moms, just like my husband.</p>

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<p>Oh my… Is your dau engaged yet? The upcoming party/shower stories would be grist for another mega-thread!</p>

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<p>Clearly, zoos, you must be a safe harbor for men who’ve had distant or trying maternal relationships. Sometimes the right people are in the right place to create the family we need, as opposed to that we were given ;)</p>

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<p>I understand the position you were in, Moda, but that doesn’t mean the sister may not have had reason to feel quite hurt on her end. Ultimately, the responsibility to provide a definite yes or no on the subject of inviting her was your future son-in-law. </p>

<p>Either he wanted her invited or he didn’t. If he didn’t get the address because he was told by his mother she couldn’t come, he may have been talking to the wrong person and presuming too much. If he just neglected to get the address to you on time, then it’s on him. In any case, I think he’s the one who needs to take ultimate responsibility for the omission and address the issue with his sister, who still seems hurt after two years.</p>

<p>This is not on you or your D to repair, defend or disprove.</p>

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<p>Kmcmom13, what an incredibly kind post. Thank you. I like to think of myself as the willing mom of anyone in need of fussing and affection. Both of the young men are very graciously accepting of support, guidance and affection. Also, both have great appetites and love my cooking! The older guy is very attentive to my young son and the younger guy has play dates with our elderly, ill dog while the love of their mutual lives is away at college. Both of them have amazing fathers who raised them well after their mothers were unwilling or unable.</p>

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<p>Jym, No, not engaged but when she is I don’t think there will be stories. The future MIL simply does not want to be involved, so no conflict. My D is also a very nice person and unlike certain people, doesn’t see wedding guests as extras in her theatrical vision of herself as a princess. It will likely be a small, comfortable wedding without her maternal aunt and cousins and with both grandmothers treated with dignity. Boyfriend’s grandmother is teaching her to cook, which is one of the funniest things I have ever heard. MyD is wonderful, but she is missing the cooking gene.</p>

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<p>As a newly minted future mil, who’s mil taught me everything I know how not to be a mil I know but this: My son has a very strong opinion on his wedding vision: no tuxedos just a grand new excellent quality suit. He wants a smallish wedding, he wants a fun night…NOT formal. Seventy people…around that. When he spoke to me he started out a little angry. When I agreed that parties are supposed to be fun, receptions are for those we love…he calmed down. My future dil was a traditional ceremony. No problem there. We may have a serious kosher/non kosher discussion. My kids and future dil do not keep kosher and her parents have eaten here. They pick and choose…So we will see.</p>

<p>And since a dear friend of ours just put on a wedding…she said to me…Ellebud you’re paying for this (we are) you get serious input.</p>