<p>Roshke, well said. ^^</p>
<p>With more and more of us having kiddos now transitioning to the engagement/wedding stage, maybe we should request a subforum in the parents cafe? Sure have been a lot of threads on attire, party-related issues, etc. Might be a helpful go-to subforum.</p>
<p>Side story, not meant to scare you , zoos (lol) but way back when, when younger s was being bar mitzvah’ed, the kid he was sharing his date with was from a divorced family. The mom was the one who was jewish, but she wanted zero, nada, nothing to do with any of the planning or the event. The dad wasnt jewish, had no clue about any of this and didnt have a lot of $$. I held his hand (not literally) through the entire process, from the day we got the date assigned (Like a year and a half, maybe even 2- I forget now, before the bar mitzvah, told him what needed to be done, when, etc. I felt like his personal party planner). There were a lot of things we shared or divided (I handled it all, he contributed what he could) like the flowers for the bimah, all the food, table toppings, etc for the oneg after the fri night service and the luncheon at the synagogue after the service, just to name a few. Anyway, I literally had one conversation with the mom in the entire 18-24 plus month process, when I called to introduce myself when the bar mitzvah date was assigned.</p>
<p>OK fast forward to the rehearsal 2 days before the bar mitzvah. This mom waltzes in and takes over like she owned the place. Started to bark orders to everyone, announced when SHE was going to give her speech, who could do what when, etc. I was not a happy camper. Then, she tried to cancel our pre bar mitzvah photo shoot the morning of the event (had LONG been planned with the photographer) or get ours moved to 7 am because she wanted to get in with a photographer at the time we were scheduled, etc etc. You get my drift. What a piece of work.</p>
<p>Then, the luncheon.Side note first-- for the parties (which were later-- the other kids at a hotel in the afternoon, my s’s elsewhere that evening), large poster sized matted pictures are put up on an easel for the guests to write on). So, what does this b<em>&()</em>#^(ch woman do? She puts her s’s poster outside the luncheon door entrance as if the luncheon was HER kids (remember, I organized the whole thing and we paid for almost all of it, with the dad contributing what he could and the mom having ZERO part, financial or otherwise, in any of it) I handled the tablecoverings, napkins/tableware, food, beverages, you name it-- EVERYTHING). I was NOT a happy camper. Fortunately one of the synagogue staff, a friend of mine, was there and able to get the dad to take the poster a down and put it in his car for the party later.</p>
<p>Theres more to the story but you get my drift. So, no guarantee that when a wedding occurs that she wont swoop in and try to act like the queen bee.</p>
<p>** Forgot to add-- this woman was drop dead gorgeous. Unbelievably striking woman. She shows up at the bar mitzvah is a completely inappropriate outfit, with little covered or left to the imagination.</p>
<p>If groom has issue with his sister (he does, thinks all she does is take, bleeds her parents dry and basically hands her children over every weekend), that’s his to work out. I have no idea how the daughter feels or if she even cared. The only thing that was asked and answered was did Sister come to engagement party with the answer being, No, she wasn’t invited. It was two years ago… I think we have enough drama in the present and I already made the point of sitting next to groom’s family at the graduation dinner to say how fun I hope it will be.</p>
<p>Groom is also wearing a suit… no tux. Gray. Got it and had the tailor give him a swatch for husband. Not sure if he will wear that shade or a hair darker, but he’s getting a new suit. When I asked the father of the groom, he didn’t think he was getting a new suit (but granddaughter has, by my count, three new party dresses?. The one she had on at the shower wasn’t inexpensive, so I think the priorities are a little skewed.</p>
<p>Then again, my daughter and future SIL are so concerned with the expenses of a destination wedding for their friends that we rented a rooming house out so it would be about $50 a night per guest. AND they are stocking the common kitchen with breakfast stuff. I drew the line saying we are feeding them Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday morning. I think we’re good. Plus, there is a cute little diner within walking distance with breakfast coming in under $4. (Did I mention we’re really in the middle of nowhere?)</p>
<p>Well… there are weddings today where D is getting married. It’s really quite chilly… which is the good and bad news of this place. It could be 75 and sunny or 40 and raining come June 15.</p>
<p>PS… I know that story about a guy treats his mother… and believe me, I’ve told my son that one as well! HA. But while my husband is somewhat nonplussed by his mother, he mostly just gets along to go along. Calls her every week or maybe even twice a week and every once and awhile gets chastised when he misses a holiday - but holiday’s to her could mean ground hogs day. Seriously, a couple days ago it was Memorial Day! So this year he called her on MLK day saying he didn’t know if it counted or not, so he was erring on the side of caution!</p>
<p>And to be really clear… I have nearly 60 family members coming to the wedding and I will undoubtedly be worried about how that is going. My oldest sister is definitely a control freak and I notice that when the three of us are all together we revert to childhood roles… that leaves me to be the one who is trampled over. So I think that’s also why I feel such a need to have a plan. It’s not that I cant’ diverge from it, but if there is no plan, my sisters will make one and I can almost guarantee they will believe they can fully speak for me. 
Love them, but they believe themselves to be oh so much more competent than me in just about every way possible. And since my oldest doesn’t have any children, she has taken on her nieces and nephews as hers. My other sister and I agree that while this is often awesome, it’s also often a lot of stepping on toes with a side order of undermining. But her intentions are excellent and mostly the good comes through. And she bought my daughter’s dress, her veil, the shoes, and sent me a note yesterday to say she is sending a blank check made out to the seamstress to give to D to pay for the alterations. So… you just say thank you very much and … have a plan in place. She loves a plan.</p>
<p>Modo,
I’m impressed with your efforts to take the high road. I like that you ented the boarding house for the kids. I figured to pay hotel bill for any kids that get to the worm’s wedding (& no, he is not officially engaged); now I’ll look into B & B’s.</p>
<p>Jym, How awful that that pushy mother tried to steal the show. I’d feel suckered, giving credit to the dad, who contributed little, and then this brazen woman. I wish I could be assertive enough to pull her aside and tell her to back down, not simmer inside. I can never manage to speak my mind, and envy the CC posters who seem so forthright.</p>
<p>I’d love the chance to go bridal shopping, but kids and families all over country.</p>
<p>Bookworm,
I’ve become more assertive in my old age, and usually, at least when face to face, can do it with diplomacy. In that situation I got someone else to do the dirty work and politely tell the mom that she was out of line, and got the dad to take the poster to the correct event. It would have looked like the luncheon was for that kid only, and my/my s’s guests and the rest of the synagogue members would have wondered if they were invited to attend (they were).</p>
<p>I definitely think threads such as these are supportive. It is a life long task to be more assertive. If I want something my way, like fish or vegetarian on the menu, I’ll pay. I am paying attention to issues that arise, some of which I could never have anticipated.</p>
<p>I have been told I have the Irish blessing, (curse?), to be able to tell someone to “go to hell and have them thank me for it”. Maybe I should offer my services to those dealing with in law problems? ;)</p>
<p>EC - you’d be my best friend! And I’d pay you handsomely for the privilege! </p>
<p>I have to wonder if Jewish parents have more or less trouble planning weddings together especially with the whole Bar mitzvah experience on their side. I just think a jewish MOG would want a lot more input over all. Maybe?</p>
<p>In my experience, the opposite is generally true, Moda. Maybe it’s <em>because</em> we’ve already had the experience of planning major functions and entertaining our own side of the family exactly how we wanted to do it!</p>
<p>EC: your post made my night! A true skill you have Irish Lady… and happy Mothers Day to you!</p>
<p>Agreed (with roshke). Having been through it a time or two, we are happy to punt it to someone else and just show up and smile</p>
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<p>Sounds to me like there is some serious sibling rivalry going on (envy, jealousy, resentment, etc.). </p>
<p>I’d suggest that you take the reports you hear with a grain of salt. It’s very normal for grandmothers to be extremely doting on their grandchildren. Sounds like groom is resentful of all the attention that has been focused on his niece & nephew, and whatever financial help MIL has given the married sister over the years. </p>
<p>That may be a reflection of a lifelong pattern in terms of how the siblings relate. You would probably be surprised at what you would learn if you could hear the other side of the story. Not that the “other side” would be the truth. Just that each sibling probably has a jaundiced and resentful perception of the other. </p>
<p>It’s unfortunate in these situations, but typically each sibling perceives the other as being favored by the parents, and each assembles an ever growing list of grievances against the other over the years. It can be a real mess in later years as the parents age and need more support from their kids – and a definite nightmare if and when the time comes that there is an estate to be divided.</p>
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<p>I’m guessing you don’t have any grandchildren?</p>
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<p>Well, of course, everyone “knows” that, including modadunn. But, it makes no difference, at all.</p>
<p>We are here as Modadunn’s imaginary friends. So we support her, and she is there as her daughter’s mother and she supports her. </p>
<p>That’s all. </p>
<p>All the rest of it will or will not work itself out over time.</p>
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<p>The problem is that it can work itself out very badly, and Modadunn can be making a big mistake by getting too deeply involved personally in the drama. That is, rather than plotting out what she will say to SIL, she might simply do a lot better to be warm and gracious and act as if she is clueless as to any of the history between the siblings. </p>
<p>So I think that Modadunn’s best “imaginary friends” are those who can help her to see the big picture.</p>
<p>I think she is doing fine by herself. There is nothing we need to do but to listen/support her.</p>
<p>IRL, I only listen to my friend’s side because it really doesn’t matter what the other side is, as long as I believe my friend is a good person, what she perceives is the truth. The other side can tell their side of story to their friends.</p>
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<p>This…</p>
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<p>Nobody can help her see the bigger picture from here. Also, it’s not important what the bigger picture is. Everything will or will not work itself out between the siblings based on THEIR mother’s behavior, not based on one of their mother in laws.</p>
<p>No, I think sometimes my friends need to hear the other side from a neutral party. Of course sometimes the other side is totally wrong, but not always, usually there are shades of gray, not black and white.</p>
<p>And maybe modadunn is just venting here where there are no consequences. Thats what we are for!</p>
<p>Calmom, it also helps to role play, what one would say given a certain situation…</p>
<p>The more I have prepared for possible situations/questions, the better I am able to answer. I spend hours preparing for court appearances, so why not anticipate scenarios in the personal realm? I may be 10 inches shorter than future MOB, but I will be be firm that there will be food choices for my Kosher relatives. </p>
<p>Modo, as a future MOG, I know my place is to keep quiet about almost everything. As I’ve said before, I doubt that more than 12 family members and friend of the worm will attend a wedding that is quite far from here. I am obligated to make sure they can eat at the wedding. I will have a shower or after the fact party for local friends, probably at my home., partially catered.</p>
<p>Meantime, I am hoping for the best for you.</p>