<p>Okay, I will only say this and then leave it alone.</p>
<p>This has nothing at all to do with a wedding:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This is about something else. We could all now give our nightmare “estate” or “older parent” scenarios. But, it’s not about a wedding.</p>
<p>I don’t think people are so two-dimensional that in describing a situation, people should leap to conclusion that it’s all one way or the other. My mother was never exactly the soft place to fall, but this doesn’t mean she is not caring or that she was harsh. It’s just one side of her.</p>
<p>All I really know is that Groom feels bad for his parents as he thinks is sister takes advantage to a hurtful degree. His sister is extremely needy and demanding in a “I cant take care of myself way.” The problems come from hearing from the parents how the sister’s needs put a lot of financial stress on the the parents (two retired teachers). He feels his parents might enable and it is frustrating to him to hear the complaint but no effort to make it different. He has never taken money from his parents, even when they’ve offered. And I can guarantee you he is not jealous of her… he was a good kid and pretty much followed the prescribed path with good grades and no monkey business. If anything, he resents his sister for only caring about how she comes out of any situation. And it is likely that his aging parents will look to their most responsible child for help when the time comes… and this would be the responsible groom.</p>
<p>But I think some misunderstand… I have enough drama in my own immediate family so I have no desire to decipher the complexities of their own. The big picture is we will have a lot of family coming into town and I am surprised by the number of family friends making the trip. </p>
<p>And nope, don’t have grandchildren. I can see one beautiful dress, not three at the expense of my husband for S’s wedding. The age difference between my two older children make it highly likely that oldest D WILL have a child by the time S gets married. I will dote, no doubt, but I will also hope I’ve raised a fairly independent self-sufficient daughter so I won’t feel that if I don’t buy the kids all their clothes, they’d go naked. </p>
<p>Good point about bar mitzvah. makes perfect sense. And I think having been a MOB will allow me to be a better MOG when the time comes. And by the time our youngest D is old enough to marry I will merely say… here’s your budget, send me the bill. See you there! :)</p>
<p>Just kidding… maybe. </p>
<p>I am going into this next week with a very open mind, and I am glad the future father in law is coming as well. Just wish my own H was here…</p>
<p>Modadunn,</p>
<p>You sound like a very nice and caring person. If as others say you are just here to vent, and just want pats on the back… then I will bow out.</p>
<p>But in the course of your venting, you have expressed some sentiments that I would find extremely offensive and hurtful if I was in the position of being the MOG. It is not clear how much has been expressed in words or actions (as opposed to merely opined on this board) - but you’ve posted enough to give me the sense that there is a cultural difference between the two families which underlies some misunderstandings. By “cultural” I don’t necessarily mean associated with any particular ethnic or regional group – just in the basic expectations that people have. You mentioned that there are differences in financial status of the families, and I think that you may have expectations about wedding etiquette that are foreign and inexplicable to the sensibilities of the other family. </p>
<p>The episode with the sister nursing a grudge over not being invited to the engagement party is one issue that has been explored, but there are others. </p>
<p>I’m not looking for a fight or an opportunity to criticize, and if you don’t care to explore those things that is fine. </p>
<p>It doesn’t sound to me from everything you have said that the MOG is “going rogue.” It does sound to me like there is a lot of miscommunication going on.</p>
<p>Good luck calmom.</p>
<p>Not sure the OP wants differing opinions here, even gentle ones. </p>
<p>I’ll try again though. Maybe it’s just a bit inappropriate to pass judgment on how many dresses (not to mention what color, etc) your daughter’s future MIL buys her granddaughter?</p>
<p>I think we are getting a taste of what this co-grandma relationship might be like if/when there are shared grandchildren. </p>
<p>Not passing judgment on your inlaws is a beautiful thing. And a rare gift you can give your children and grandchildren. </p>
<p>I honestly think you might be dug in too deep to see this, OP. But maybe step back and ask yourself if you want to be this kind of person who had an opinion on your daughter’s fianc</p>
<p>As a grandma, I can tell you that grandchildren in my house get priority over grandpa. My husband is quite able to buy a new suit if he wants. It would have nothing to do with me buying outfits for my grandchild. The Father of the groom probably thought the suit he had was just fine. My husband didn’t buy a new one for his daughter’s wedding and the suit he wore was probably several years old. It would never had crossed his mind that it was important. My grandson, however, looked quite sharp.</p>
<p>How is chiding the poster for venting her sentiments any different than what the OP is doing? If the OP is frustrated, venting, selecting examples that support her feelings, well, thats ok, IMO. I</p>
<p>If someone had responded to my story about the rogue MO bar mitzvah boy with “you are being insensitive to her situation- maybe there is more to their divorce story than you know”, I’d think "well sure, and there is also more to the whole bar mitzvah story than has been shared here, but we hit the highlights, share the anecdotes that fry our cookies, and get some cc feedback. But why give feedback that is as harsh as one claims the OP was being to the future MOG? Dont get it, unless its to make a point or for effect.</p>
<p>I think I will bow out as well… but before I go… </p>
<p>it was not the SIL who has even mentioned anything about the Engagement party. Not to my D, not to her Brother and certainly not to me. It was the mother who said no one else was invited when asked by the maid of honor. I have no idea how the SIL feels or if that was her impression. And I have no intention of digging into something that happened two years ago with the MOG. But I will make the effort to the future SIL to say I am glad she could come now since she was unable to be here before.</p>
<p>For the record, I don’t care what the FOG wears. I don’t even care what the MOG wears. And I didn’t care what little baby jane wore as long as MOB didn’t insert her down the aisle (which seems to have been addressed by both groom and bride). And if the MOG decides to buy her a corsage to wear, it also doesn’t matter, I just found it odd. And while I can’t know for sure until it happens, my D is not likely to leave her children with MOG over leaving them with me, but considering they’re moving across the country, it’s more likely my older sister will see them most at this point! All I really care about is there is family around to offer them support and help if they should need it.</p>
<p>And yes, I would agree that there is a financial disparity between the two families, but I truly respect the groom’s family background and know that they are kind and humble people overall. Their son adores our daughter and honestly, that is all I truly care about. I have no reason to feel bad that we are hoping to give them a beautiful wedding. And believe me, it’s not over the top in a way that flaunts socioeconomic status as I’ve been to lots of weddings and parties that this is the case. In my mind, there is a difference between dotting all the i’s in a traditional way, cognizant of the etiquette, in line with the bride and groom’s wishes, AND considering the expectations of my OWN family - which everyone seems to forget I have as well. </p>
<p>As to my own family… this could very well be the last time my Mother will attend anything. It might be the last time my children even see her alive. She looks great right now, but tomorrow we find out if they are going to go back to chemo or tell her they’ve done all they can. So… this is about our family standards as well. I wish to make my own mother proud of her raising of me! So how the Groom’s family ends up feeling or is feeling, I really can’t do anything about that except be as welcoming as I can, which is how my own Mother raised me. </p>
<p>It is not my intention to make anyone feel badly or less than, but if they want to click their tongue or judge me as elitist (as people seem willing and ready to do here), that will be on them. There are lot of weddings where the groom and bride’s side don’t see eye to eye, and based on this thread alone, if the groom’s family wants to misunderstand my intentions and think poorly of me, there is really very little I can really do to change that. So, it’s not that I won’t bother, but it won’t consume me either. If nothing else, this group has toughened me up to realize it’s a slippery slope from consideration to capitulation… and if considering their point of view is only going to have me judged even more, one might ask, “why bother?” I AM bothering to try, but Im not going to do it in a way that would leave ME unhappy for paying for it, as that is certainly not the goal either. I care the bride is happy. I care the Groom is relaxed. And I care that the majority of our very large family is coming if not only for the bride, but for my Mother who is the oldest in her family of five brothers. Heck I heard today that my own brother is trying to cancel an annual meeting in China that a month ago could never be changed just to be here. </p>
<p>My issues are switching quickly from the MOG to how the heck are we going to seat 180 people in a room that typically maxes out at 150!</p>
<p>“I’ll try again though. Maybe it’s just a bit inappropriate to pass judgment on how many dresses (not to mention what color, etc) your daughter’s future MIL buys her granddaughter?”</p>
<p>It would be inappropriate to pass judgment to the grandmother, herself, or even to the groom, but it is appropriate here with Mod’s own buddies. We can pass whatever judgment, ask whatever strange questions or be silly here so we are able to smile and nod where it actually counts.</p>
<p>here’s a question… why is wondering why something is the way it is, considered judging? Couldn’t it just be considered a question to understand the answer? So on the one hand we’re to be careful to keep our socioeconomic status in check, but not find it odd that the priorities are for three dresses for the granddaughter while I pick up the tab on accommodations in trying to being considerate of their limited wallet (vs the limited wallets of my own family)? Seems like the definition of a double standard.</p>
<p>(although it’s not a tab as it’s my place, but as I said, I could have easily given it to husband’s brother or sister and their families.)</p>
<p>Actually JYM… I was appalled that the Mom in your story swooped in to make this her own, but I imagine she suffers from a great deal of guilt and somehow rationalized her behavior in that light. I am just glad you had others step in to right the ship as they say, vs telling you you were being insensitive to her needs and feelings; that it wasn’t about you or the work and effort you put into it; your kid must be a prince with attitude; and his wants were a sign you had spoiled him; or that any attempt to quash the other woman’s interference signified your lack of consideration for other people. I only hope my friends and family might have my back as well.</p>
<p>You can find it odd, but there’s little you can really do about it.</p>
<p>Modadunn, I just wanted to say before you check out of this discussion that it is so hard when you have these type of events and try to accommodate all these separate parts. My hat is off to you. I am sure it will be a lovely wedding and I wish you the best of luck. I personally am sorry for the turn this discussion has taken. Wedding seem to bring out some of the most contentious discussions here and I’m not really sure why.</p>
<p>Moda, come back “home” to the 13 thread where we know and love you.</p>
<p>As the MOG who is the one planning everything, I can only hope that the rest of the wedding party will be happy with what I have been asked to coordinate. (MOB & FOB are in the UK, B&G are in CA, wedding is in MD.) </p>
<p>There are just some parts of this whole thing I don’t have time or energy to manage. DH is wearing a business suit he already owns. FOB may have a suit, but I’m not sure (he is a school teacher, so has a jacket and tie at least). Grandfather who is attending does not own a suit and I don’t expect he will get one. If my dear BIL can get him in a nice shirt and tie, and even get him to lay off the cologne, dayenu. That may be a good thing for me to go out and procure (adds to list of Things To Do). No flower girls, though I have two nieces who would have loved to do that. B&G have had few hard-and-fast preferences, and so I am not arguing those points.</p>
<p>The controversy here will be the extent to which there is financial assistance for family members to attend. DH has many frequent flyer miles and we are getting some plane tickets (only 10,000 miles and $5 per!) so that folks can get here. We will probably be paying for a couple of hotel rooms for them and providing all meals, too. I can’t count on this remaining quiet (my mom will ask how they can afford to go, knowing their financial circumstances, and someone will inevitably say “CD and her H are buying tickets,” etc., and then the cat’s out of the bag), but the ones who are in a somewhat better financial situation will be outraged. And heaven help me, there are some family members I would prefer not show up, and they wouldn’t (because of finances) if we didn’t offer to help. </p>
<p>The reality is that I cannot put up my entire side of the family (which would be about 20 people) in this house, even if they are willing to sleep on cots, inflatable mattresses and sleeping bags. I cannot run a hotel that week – not when we are running the catering, flowers and decorations out of here. Hell, my DH wants to have the rehearsal dinner at our house. How he proposes to do that when he and S2 are cooking for the wedding escapes me. </p>
<p>Only one of my sibs has $$ to afford a hotel (even at the discounted rate) for the weekend. Most of them want to stay for a couple of days after the wedding to sightsee – but the hotel rate doubles beginning Sunday night. We may be getting an influx of folks back to our house the day after the wedding and for several days thereafter. </p>
<p>And to add to the excitement, DH wants to go on vacation in July (the wedding is Aug. 3rd) and DH wants the master bathroom renovated (at long last – we have been discussing this for a year) between now and then, too. I fervently hope the contractors are booked til at least mid-August so I don’t have to deal with THAT! </p>
<p>OK, sorry to go OT. I just needed to vent.</p>
<p>Fiirst, want to say that I think Moda seems like a thoughtful, caring and intelligent woman and I think that some people (seriously don’t have anyone particular in mind) go out of their way on these threads to be antagonistic and come off as the better person I, for one, admit that I have huge flaws as an individual and can be passive aggressive with the best of them ( early training). I’m glad I can vent here and I hope that others can as well. What we say here is not always the way we handle issues in real life.</p>
<p>Now, a question.
What’s the deal with paying for out of town folks to come to a wedding? I’ve never heard of that and have attended weddings out of state at considerable cost and it NEVER would have occurred to me to expect the bride or grooms family to foot the bill. Do I have this to look forward to as a MOB in the future?</p>
<p>^ It is certainly not an expectation, much less an obligation, to provide hotel rooms for out of town wedding guests. However, it is occasionally done in some cases – to make it possible for people (who would otherwise be unable to attend for financial reasons) to come.</p>
<p>For example, my D is getting married in the city where she and her fiance met and will be living, six hours from where she was raised. One of my long-term former neighbors and good friend is very fond of her and is on the invite list. But this neighbor recently went through a difficult and financially undermining divorce. I have offered to cover this neighbor’s hotel room so that her attendance at my D’s wedding will not be a financial burden to her. It is a way of handling something that otherwise could be a problem. But it is not necessary.</p>
<p>CountingDown, I am in awe of what your family is taking on. I am sure it will be wonderful, but I am exhausted just thinking of all that you are doing. Please pace yourself and consider having some elements handled by others simply so that you and your family can enjoy the celebration. Looking forward to your report!</p>
<p>Welcome to the new economy. My former SIL (college roommate and one of my closest friends), a pharmacist with 25 years of experience, lost her job almost two years ago. She is now a gymnastics coach 20 hours a week @ $10/hour. Has not been able to land a FT gig anywhere, and not even PT at Target, Walmart, etc. I want her here. I will make it happen. </p>
<p>My sibs all make between $10-15/hr. (and some of them have college degrees) Traveling to a wedding and staying in a hotel is a luxury not on their radar. </p>
<p>Agree, though, that putting up guests is not a normal expectation of wedding hosts. B&G are paying for everything except the catering, which DH and S2 are preparing as our gift to the newlyweds.</p>
<p>B&G are also helping some of their friends attend. They were not comfortable with expecting close friends who are unemployed/recent grads/grad students on limited budgets to spend $$ they don’t have to attend the wedding of a couple of well-paid software engineers. They planned their budget with that kind of assistance in mind and chose not to include other items like bridal transportation, videographers, photobooths, etc. Instead, we have lots of (quirky) DIY on this end for the ceremony & reception. </p>
<p>Am not making a judgment or values call on anyone else – it’s just how we wanted to handle this.</p>
<p>CD-
You never cease to amaze me. But you know that. You are truly a special woman.</p>
<p>modadunn,
I hope you don’t feel that you have to bow out of your own thread. It is helpful to see other perspectives. Heck, perhaps its a good place to practice those diplomatic responses!</p>
<p>As for the mother of the co-bar mitzvah boy. I tried in my head to justify/rationalize her behavior. But I dont think it was guilt. I truly think she was just a serious primadonna. And a royal B(*^=tch. After my first contact with her, she never returned a phonecall and even at the rehearsal didnt listen to the people who were in charge. She was going to tell THEM how it was going to be done. Um, NO. Oh, and she was late. Her grand entrance mortified her ex and her son. I was truly embarrassed for them.</p>
<p>EPTR,
I’ve never known anyone to pay for rooms for a wedding. When I’m invited to out-of-town affair, I’ve received a card months before to “save the date”. My cousin let us know she had reserved a block of rooms at a discount, with a hospitality suite. When I get a regular invitation, I know I’m not expected to show up in person. </p>
<p>I thought of doing this for the worm’s closest HS friends. Other than 1 boy in Peace Corps, every other boy in this group of 6 flew out to Midwest for first marriage of a peer, during T-day weekend. I am sure the worm spent a lot to go and brought his g/f with him. Some local parents were invited, but could not afford to go, especially that weekend. </p>
<p>I always pay for my sister and we share a room. I never want her not to be included in major family events because of money.</p>
<p>Traditionally, the obligation is to cover the cost of lodging for the bridal party, not parents of the groom. It’s very considerate to find the groom’s family hotels or a place to stay, but totally voluntary to offer to put them up.</p>
<p>
Good thing that this is a private forum on a secret web site that no one else can see.</p>