<p>My thought was that it matters how you feel on the inside too. </p>
<p>Those who are busy judging on the inside are generally not hiding it very well. </p>
<p>I’m completely Sincere when I say it actually FEELS better to rise above.</p>
<p>Was gonna make a comment about confusing this with the cat barf thread, but will rise above that.</p>
<p>S & DIL did send out Save the Date cards. They have a block of rooms booked. Those things don’t change the reality that some family members do not have reliable vehicles, cannot afford gas for a 1200 mile round trip/plane ticket or swing $99/night hotel rooms. </p>
<p>Am not asking the bride’s parents to cover this expense. As mentioned upthread, B&G are paying for 95% of this wedding. DH, S2 and I are home cooking the reception. DH and I will cover transportation and hotel rooms where needed for family. </p>
<p>If spending 80,000 frequent flyer miles (8 one-way tickets), buying some gas cards and paying for 3-4 rooms for three nights enables some family to attend, then it will be worth it. I suspect these kinds of arrangements happen far more frequently than one might think. We had a dozen people stay in our apartment the weekend of our wedding – they brought sleeping bags, we had food in the fridge, and they had a good time. </p>
<p>For the record, I think Moda is bring gracious and acting with concern about how the D’s wedding moves forward, with considerable thought given to the relationships that are developing between both families, as well as the B&G’s wishes. It sounds like it’s going to be a wonderful wedding, and I wish them all the best.</p>
<p>Gee calmom, are you saying that you are opposed to the concept of online forums where people discuss topics and experiences of mutual interest? Not something you find to be worthwhile?</p>
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<p>Wait. You mean there’s a cat barf thread and I’ve been wasting my time here? Why didn’t someone tell me!!!</p>
<p>Thanks for the info on the paying for out of town guests. This is not a pending issue in my household (that I know of!) but it’s good to be prepared. I would certainly do what I could to get loved ones here that cannot afford it but I understand that it isn’t an obligation.</p>
<p>My H keeps telling me that I have to put off retirement longer than I thought to pay for weddings! I guess he has a point!</p>
<p>Where have you been, EPTR <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1503781-best-carpet-when-you-know-there-will-cat-barf.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1503781-best-carpet-when-you-know-there-will-cat-barf.html</a></p>
<p>We’ve been “paying” (try to use hotel points when we can) for BIL who really can pay to attend family events. My DH is a softie. I choose my battles. Last time they stayed here, SIL helped herself to any Rx pain pills she could find in our house.</p>
<p>^^^
OMG, Jym! Maybe your BIL’s money goes to feed her habit!</p>
<p>It is truly sad.</p>
<p>counting down - You and your family are beyond amazing and generous in all that you are doing for your S’s wedding. I just hope that everyone appreciates it!</p>
<p>As for paying for guests transportation,lodging,etc. yes I have heard of that. It has happened in my own extended family in which there is great diversity in financial circumstances. I would extend that to a family member or close friend if I knew that the person would otherwise not be able to attend. Years ago when a friend of mine was married she paid for her parent’s airfare and hotel as they were elderly and on a fixed income.</p>
<p>My D is one of three of her close circle of college friends who are getting married in the next two months. Two of their friends now live in CA (all weddings on the east coast.) One of the CA friends is fairly well off and will tele-work from the east between weddings. But the other has another, fourth, family wedding also and not a lot of money. So D and her fianc</p>
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<p>You know that saying, “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?”</p>
<p>Well, the internet is kind of the same and kind of different: What is posted on the internet stays on the internet, forever, for anyone and everyone to see.</p>
<p>You wrote that something that would be “inappropriate” in one context was “appropriate here with Mod’s own buddies.” This is not a private chat room inhabited only by Mod’s own buddies. It is a public broadcast. </p>
<p>One general rule on the internet is that for every person who posts to a comment list or forum, there are dozens or hundreds of lurkers. (On CC I figure the “lurkers” may number in the thousands.)</p>
<p>Just got off the phone with my mom. My mom asked me if I was inviting him to the wedding (yes, but reluctantly). Apparently my brother (with a large drinking problem) wants to come to the wedding to “take a break” with his GF. His ex (mentioned upthread) is already coming. I do NOT want to babysit this guy for the weekend. His binges have happened on other family occasions, too.</p>
<p>S & DIL are not having an open bar, mainly because of him. Wine only. However, there is a liquor store across the street from the venue.</p>
<p>I may be a terrible person for saying this, but I really hope he doesn’t come. S hopes he doesn’t, either.</p>
<p>I really wish you would consider not inviting your alcoholic brother to the wedding.</p>
<p>But, you will do what you feel is right.</p>
<p>I have to agree, if its not too late. Yes its difficult either way, but you have a right not to have to worry about his behavior at your event. He can “take a break” from his girlfriend elsewhere.</p>
<p>BTW, who will be helping your parents at the event?</p>
<p>Apparently said brother and the GF both want to attend. (Invitations are addressed, but not yet out the door.) As S2 wisely pointed out to me this evening after I vented about the situation, the decision of whether to invite this particular brother belongs to S and DIL, not me. OTOH, not inviting him is not going to go over well in my family. I will be the bad guy. There is much pressure to shove these things under the rug and pretend they don’t exist, which is the way difficult issues have been dealt with in the family for many, many years.</p>
<p>jym, my parents are not going to be there. My mom is totally bedridden and my dad takes care of her (he is a retired nurse). They will not get someone to come in and help so at least my dad could come. That’s a topic for the caring for parents thread!</p>
<p>YOU are not the bad guy, CD, and you know that. Your brother, who is not choosing to get his disease under control, is the bad guy. Yes, there are several elephants in the living room that are getting ignored. but you do not have to keep the blinders on with them. You, your health and your immediate family’s happiness is, and should be your priority. There is surely a diplomatic way to say that there are limits to the invitations and sorry Charlie, they’ll have to celebrate with you when next you are down to see your parents. It is a small affair with only a limited guestlist. If your family is annoyed, they’ll get over it. They can get their heads out of the sand.</p>
<p>Well, I don’t talk about this overly much on here, but I work as an addictions counselor. Let me just present you with the idea that you are not only not the bad guy, but even the feelings of “being the bad guy” are part of the disease. Your brother doesn’t exist when he is drinking. He is just drinking. that IS who he is. Not your brother, just a disease. </p>
<p>I know how painful this can be for people.</p>
<p>You have to do what you think is best. You can’t make a “mistake,” by which I mean, nothing you do can be the wrong thing, just follow your intuition. You have every right to your own joy and to your own son’s wedding without drunk uncle there. However, I know you have to walk a tight rope.</p>
<p>Either way, good luck. You absolutely deserve to enjoy the day. We all do.</p>
<p>CD-
You have been the model of good healthcare decisions this year. You have survived a massive MI, lost a ton of weight, watched every other health-related thing to keep yourself well and on the right road to recovery as you have handled this huge wedding responsibility. Maybe in addition to modelling good decision-making for your family (it will go over their heads but the effort on your part is there) perhaps you can gently put the blame on your doctors, who you can say have told you that you need to limit any additional sources of stress.</p>
<p>Testobsessed, here’s a koan for you on your path to enlightenment:
Is it rising above to pass judgement on people for passing judgement on people? :)</p>
<p>CD, if your D/Sil choose to invite drunk uncle, is there a relative or family friend who might be willing to keep tabs on same and “bounce” him if need be? I’ve seen that work.</p>
<p>And Re: financially assisting guests…my second marriage was at a resort (though not anywhere exotic or far flung) and we budgeted for same to reduce the burden on certain family members and friends. While not expected, it is certainly a kindness in some cases. This will be an issue when mcson marries, I expect, and will likely form the lionshare of my contribution as he is already conscious of it to the point where its been discussed despite no formal plans announced. </p>
<p>In our case, we adjusted/controlled the number of guests invited to accommodate this aspect within our desired budget.</p>
<p>When we have paid for DH (who had a high paying job, and recently retired with a large pension), that frequently included the 3 (now adult) children. And they are often late, though not as bad as when the kids were younger. Oh and we typically pick up the food tabs too. It gets old.</p>