<p>CD
Just wanted you to know that it is an option not to invite the brother and his GF.
We had a similar situation at my childrens’ weddings. My husband has a brother who is difficult (that was the nicest word I could come up with). We opted not to invite him to either of our childrens’ weddings (we’ve had 2 of our children marry in the past 18 months).</p>
<p>I don’t know what the family thought abaout this and made no effort to find out. Frankly I didn’t care what they thought. We knew that the day would be more pleasant without this relative. If you are paying for this event, there is no reason why you should be pressured into inviting certain people. IF some will be angry/offended, let them. This isn’t your problem. And frankly it’s only your problem if you allow it to be. If anyone tries to bring it up with you, practice the famous Broken Record technique and move on to another subject. </p>
<p>CD, another vote for not inviting the drunken uncle and his GF. If his parents were going to be there, and would be upset by his absence, that would be something to consider.</p>
<p>But if they are not coming, there is no need to inflict him on everyone else–and on you. Take care of yourself.</p>
<p>We had a discussion on this just yesterday. A good friends’ D is getting married next month at a place very close to her house. A few other families (all close friends) live near by. Friends’ D had put hotel information on the wedding website - but apparently several cousins are calling my friend and asking her where they should stay. They do not want to stay at a hotel - and if they do, they would like her to pick up the tab. Friend is in a bit of a pickle - the cost is going to be huge, but saying no is not an option with these relatives. So, we’ve all offered to host a family or two in our houses - it feels strange. Some of our husbands were not too thrilled with the idea of having additional people at home for the weekend…but we have to do this for my friend. Some of these relatives are flying in from another country - they cannot drive/transport themselves to the wedding site - in this case, it seems to make sense that we host them. But there are others that are coming from California & Delaware - it just feels like these relatives are being “cheap”. But hey, I came from a family where a wedding meant that everyone descended on the single venue/house/whatever and we slept on the floor on sleeping bags and a pillow. Everyone had to make compromises, but it was a great time for all, despite the inconveniences. So, I am not too bothered by this (except I don’t know these people!) - but H and D were not too thrilled :(</p>
<p>You do the best you can in these situations. I’ve been to plenty of weddings that had some toxic guests. Part of the flavor, but if the B, G, and parent involved don’t want a someone there, I think not inviting the person is just fine. Totally up to the me. Some consensus with B, G and family member should be reached, with B and G having the final say, IMO, but however a family does these things, well, that’s their thing.</p>
<p>As for paying for guests, the last wedding I attended, had a lot of family members subsidized to attend because they simply could not do it due to the cost (most of them lived in a city far from the bride’s family and wedding venue). We’ve hosted a number of our kids’ friends when they’ve traveled here for not just wedding but a number of things, and the cost of lodgings was just too high. Certainly the grandparents should be subsidized or downright treated if they are limited in resources to make the trip.</p>
<p>Good for you , Arisamp. DH is also the sort who is not comfortable with people he does not know well staying here, even with the practice our kids have given him with their friends.</p>
<p>When I was married 29 years ago, our across-the-street neighbors were going to be out of town, and offered their home to my mother for use by out of town family members. It was very thoughtful of them. Handling all the out of town family members was a lot of work, my mom felt like she was running a hotel! I was living elsewhere and also came in from out of town, and the morning of the wedding I stripped my bed and replaced the sheets because my bedroom was being used for some of my nieces who slept in sleeping bags the prior night!</p>
<p>S1 is starting to be in weddings. The first was in our town, so no extra costs as it was casual, shirt and tie, no tux. Wedding #2 was near where he lives now, tux rental, one night in the hotel due to late reception and he would be drinking with lots of college buddies coming into town. Wedding #3 is this summer, airline flight away, plus rental car (1.5 hrs from airport), hotel, meals, and tux. His comment this weekend: I think I’m done being in weddings for awhile, too expensive.</p>
<p>I suggested he ask the groom if he bunk anywhere with bride’s relatives, share a room and car with others in the wedding party, or hitch a ride with others from the airport.</p>
<p>We’ll probably be picking up folks from the airports, too – or at least from the Metro.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, my parents are not attending.</p>
<p>I would not put it past my brother to simply show up. I suspect he could keep himself together for the wedding/reception, but he’d be drunk as a skunk the rest of the weekend. </p>
<p>Will skype with S & DIL tomorrow night when he returns from Chicago and we can discuss how they want to proceed. My mom is extremely good at laying on the guilt. Shouldn’t have told her I was calligraphing the envelopes – it led straight down the path to “Are you inviting B? He and GF really are looking forward to coming up and getting out of town.” </p>
<p>Would prefer not to have S2 act as bouncer.</p>
<p>When we were younger, we were invited to few weddings too far away/expensive for us to ge to. Instead of getting into discussions of how we could cut costs by staying with bride/groom’s family/friends, we just opted not to go, instead we sent nice gifts and good wishes. It is a lot to expect bride/groom to host you when they have a wedding to worry about. If I was that important to the bride or groom to attend their wedding then I would save or borrow to pay for my own way. If I wasn’t that important to them then I definitely wouldn’t impose.</p>
<p>There was a time for me when the wedding scene and being a bridesmaid was a major budget item. Some of those dresses cost more than my own wedding dress! A few times a bunch of us just squeezed into hotel rooms together,. We were all equally broke. And had to bum rides to the wedding and any other events. Those were good times despite the lack of funds. Sometimes there was someone local we knew who put us all up. usually one of the crowd. These were the college crowd weddings. I don’t remember one single time that the bride or groom and/or their families,relatives, neighbors were involved, however. And when I’ve had my kids’ former classmates, friends stay here for events, if a wedding was involved, it was done independently of those in the wedding party. </p>
<p>CD,
Many years ago I had a client with many siblings. One sister would get drunk and strip dance on top of table. Sister ‘ruined’ 2 weddings. Honestly, why invite such a person? If they come uninvited, then of course have a few designated people nicely escort them out.</p>
<p>I also had a client refuse to invite her MIL, who created a scene at any function. </p>
<p>A wedding should be about the young couple.</p>
<p>FWIW, I was raised that the bride’s family did pay for the accommodations / hotel rooms of the bridesmaids, which is what my parents did (my bridesmaids were all young twentysomethings and none of us had two nickels to rub together). Knowing all the goings-on, however, I think they inadvertently wound up paying for quite a few of the young male guests too :-).</p>
<p>This new format led me back here, but I just wanted to say that D was the most beautiful bride ever, little niece and nephew were fine (although the babysitters I hired to sit at the children’s table said they were horribly rude to the wait staff at the reception). And while I tried to give one young mom a break by having hired (and paid for) other sitters to be available, they insisted a one year old sit at a table for dinner and so we had to rearrange the table seating so they’d be closer to the door. And yes… baby got fussy just as toasts began. And finally, we hosted all the girls at our home and ended up picking up a good portion of the bill on the rental of an entire B&B where most of the bride and grooms friends stayed.</p>
<p>Congrats, Modaddunn! Our D’s wedding is exactly 4 weeks from today….so far, all is well. We are madly trying to get a few RSVPs back so we can turn in final numbers and menu selections to the venue later this next week. It’s a bit frustrating that guests cannot take the time to send back an RSVP (already stamped, mind you!). Also, I am sure the mail is gunched up because of all the snow and ice we had last week. Several have said they sent theirs in but we just have not received them yet. But it’s all good and we are all happily anticipating THE DAY! Absolutely no in-law drama at all</p>
<p>My fiance and I have two of the nicest most reasonable mothers and they are still finding reasons to clash. I have given up on no in-law drama and am holding out hope for no lasting grudges instead.</p>