<p>It is possible that while shopping for a dress, the little girl spotted the white w/pink sash and thought she would make the the bride happy by "matching’ the other dresses. </p>
<p>Does the sister in law have a role in the wedding?</p>
<p>Modadunn, upon reading your additional info, I agree that it sounds like they may be planning to try to insert the kid in the wedding in some last minute way. How obnoxious! One can only hope that they won’t actually have the nerve to try it. It is great that your SIL-to-be has shown himself willing to deal with his mother: so few will. I think your plan of taking a wait-and-see course of action is the best idea. </p>
<p>Zoosermom, I guess I have led a sheltered life! :D</p>
<p>Not sheltered, consolation, just populated by good people!</p>
<p>I can totally hear the conversation that a person would have with herself to allow this. “It will keep Baby Jane from having a tantrum.” “The mother and bride will be too busy to notice.” “This is the only little girl and she should have been asked.” “In the excitement of the wedding, the bride won’t remember that she didn’t want this.” “She is bridezilla and I am not buying into that.”</p>
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<p>As the mother of two daughters whose weddings we intend to pay for (assuming they do get married), I could not disagree more. We are talking about a wedding, not a debutante ball. This is the joining of TWO lives, not the presentation of a beauty queen. Who pays for the wedding does not change that fact, and both bride and groom should be able to feel it is THEIR day. The groom is not a prop to the princess, he is joining his life with hers just as she is pledging her love and faithfulness to him.</p>
<p>I have seen what happens to a marriage when there is discord between the two families, and it can really sabotage the marriage. I want my daughters to have a happy life like I have had, and I will do everything I can to make sure the groom and his family’s wishes are considered in the event of a wedding. Of course, that’s entirely different from allowing them to take over, which seems to potentially be the case here. Also, the bride and groom are in agreement about the niece, which negates any feelings MOG and the groom’s sister have about the matter. The wishes of the bride and groom should be respected. Also, MOG needs to understand from the get go that passive agressive, underhanded behavior will not be tolerated. If the limits are clearly set by both her DIL and her son, she will likely learn to behave within those boundaries.</p>
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<p>Agreed! I was thinking, “Am I the only one who immediately diagnosed the MOB as having a clinical personality disorder? Is that because I have family members who have been thusly diagnosed?”.</p>
<p>The maddening thing in these situations is that the passive-aggressive one is counting on the fact that you won’t want to make a scene. Then they get their way.</p>
<p>I have come to take a hard-nosed approach to that nonsense. I try to be as low key as possible but I will not be manipulated. One of us is going to end up unhappy and it isn’t going to be me stewing over what just happened.</p>
<p>Modadunn, you are ahead of the eight ball since the groom has already proven that 1) he sees the manipulation for what it is and 2) he’s willing to say and do what needs to be done.</p>
<p>I agree with those who have said that there should be someone who sits in the back whose job it is to stop any unauthorized tikes from processing down the aisle.</p>
<p>Modadunn - I just read your post #34 and I think it will be important to help your D come up with a way to mentally manage any zingers or nasty situations on her wedding day. Her stress level will already be high and if she has a calming mechanism (calming image, prayer, etc) to turn to, I think it will help.</p>
<p>Here is something to watch out for if the relationship with grooms parents turns nasty. I know of 3 recent weddings where the MOG/FOG had the band announce that the bar was going to remain open for the remainder of the evening and the parents of the bride ended up absorbing the cost.</p>
<p>I am in the camp of whoever pays is giving the party and it should be what they want as long as they also honor the other side’s family - where they are sitting, who walks down the aisle, etc. If the groom’s family has a lot of demands (location, number of people, color, cost/plate) then they should share the expense.</p>
<p>Villagemom, I agree completely. Sometimes people create situations where they are counting on you not making a scene. Then they tell themselves (and everyone else) that it was ok because you didn’t object.</p>
<p>When my husband’s sister got married, her father didnt attend for complicated family reasons and her inlaws put on a show of faux sympathy that had the outcome of taking over the wedding. Every time the bride or her family objected, they were steamrolled under the guise of being helpful when her own family had dropped the ball. The MIL had made clucking noises about how sad it was that there would be no father-daughter dance. No one thought anything of it, but guess what the MOG did. Yup. Had the band play a special FIL DIL dance without warning the bride. It was absolutely shocking and horrible. The bride and MOB were humiliated and all it did was create gossip. Of course, the bride couldn’t refuse with the dance floor cleared and the FIL standing there. Sometimes even the bride is incidental to someone else’s agenda at a wedding.</p>
<p>I vote with college shopping #51</p>
<p>I don’t think the MOB should discuss the niece/child with the MOG at all.</p>
<p>Does anyone read ehell? This link shares exactly the behavior I think is being described here.</p>
<p>Having said that … I know I’d be the one “letting it go” for the sake of TEMPORARY peace. My DH has not done that and it causes us grief 40 years later. </p>
<p>This IS a tough one because it is the tip of the iceberg, yet it is a unique situation (only getting one wedding). </p>
<p>Still say MOB cannot stick her nose in. Best you can do it hug your DD and say “You are right” no matter how it goes down.</p>
<p>Frankly, it sounds like you, your daugther and her future husband are on high alert to be offended, so I’m sure it will happen. </p>
<p>I truly cannot imagine caring if a little girl manages to walk down the aisle. Or if she wears a white dress. Is this the start of a marriage or a relentless hunt for the “perfect day”? One bodes well for a long, happy marraige, the other only sets the stage for drama and more drama down the road.</p>
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<p>Oh, yes. And how about the corollary? You do object and then the person complains that you are “oversensitive”. </p>
<p>In fact, to those gathered around you may well look oversensitive because they don’t know the back story. It helps to have stock phrases with which to begin your objection so that others can sense that there’s more here than meets the eye:</p>
<p>“Like we discussed earlier, x, y or z is what is going to happen.”</p>
<p>“As I told you previously, I’m sorry that x, y or z upsets you but this is what has been decided.”</p>
<p>“Once again, x, y or z is the best option for our family.”</p>
<p>Everyone is different about what matters. Some people don’t care if they wear PJs out, but for some it is not appropriate. There is nothing wrong with OP’s D wanting to have a planned wedding, and it doesn’t mean she is flawed or the marriage is doomed.</p>
<p>Agree with pugmadkate that this is how it is coming across here. As the mom of 5 Ds, three of whom have gotten married, we looked at every wedding as a day of celebration and joy, one where two families are coming together. My Ds have in-laws who will a part of their lives forever and who are/will be involved with my grandchildren. Why would I want to be a part of starting off a marriage with suspicions, recriminations, or making an issue over silly little things.</p>
<p>Worrying about what color dress your D’s niece wears to the wedding, the wording on the invitations based on who is paying, etc., and making a big deal about them rather than finding a way to minimize them, is bound to affect the enjoyment of the day more than the individual issues themselves. What a shame that would be.</p>
<p>^ well if kids are not wanted, then there is absolutely no reason this little princess should be walking down the isle. I can’t believe some of the things I have read in this thread…what is wrong with people? I have never witnessed anything remotely close to what some have posted.</p>
<p>Alwaysamom, but you have to take into account who the kid is. Did you ever see the episode of The twilight zone with Anthony? Where everyone had to appease Anthony or be sent to the corn field. My niece was like that from toddlerhood. I think it is pretty clear that this kid is personally problematic and even the groom knows it.</p>
<p>LOL, oh my goodness, Zoosermom, I must reference that episode at least once a week! It freaked the heck out of me the first time I saw it and I can still picture that little boy’s face.</p>
<p>Sometimes when my own toddler is acting up I’ll tell the other kids, “Think happy thoughts. Mark is a good boy. It’s good that he just dumped out the box of Cheerios.”</p>
<p>LOL!</p>
<p>Your daughter is signing on to (hopefully) many, many years of navagating a life with her new family. While I can’t imagine getting upset over a little girl wearing a dress, I respect that others might. I do know that if you come at the situation with anything that even resembles a “their” family is trying to ruin “our family’s” wedding, you will set a tone for family relations for a long long time.</p>
<p>Respect needs to be earned on both sides. If the bride were to roll over then she is also setting the tone (boundary) for years to come.</p>
<p>AT some point in the next few years I will be MOG who is paying for everything. As a dear friend of mine said, they who payeth gets to make the rules. We will have different issues, there will be issues.</p>
<p>An idea for “unwanted guests”…hire a babysitting service onsite. Parents can see their children when needed, and they will be engaged in fun activities. Yes…I wrote engaged. At the end of the evening you might present each child a beautifully wrapped gift to take home.</p>
<p>…oh, btw…there is nothing that fries my cookies like hearing “It’s MY day so I get what I want.” No, actually it is a day when families get together…and celebrate. You are not a princess for a day. (And I mean the bride, groom, small children, parents etc.)</p>