Mother of Groom going Rogue!

Parent Cafe
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<p>One of my early memories is of attending a family wedding. I must have been flower girl age but can’t say specifically how old. However, I do recall that when I first heard that there would be a wedding, and that I would be attending, I immediately asked if I would be a flower girl. My mother told me, “No, but you are going to be a spectator!” That sounded impressive enough to me, although when I asked what a spectator did, my mother replied, “You will sit in the 10th pew and watch the bride go down the aisle.” Still, I did not clue in. </p>

<p>Mom took me dress shopping at Lord & Taylor and I clearly recall her telling the salesperson, “My daughter is going to be a spectator at a wedding and we are looking for a special spectator dress.” This is all very vivid in my mind.</p>

<p>However, I do have to admit that I was both puzzled and dismayed when, after being seated in the church in my spectator dress, I saw in the pew ahead of me a neighbor boy who had no special connection to the bride. Was *he *a spectator as well?</p>

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<p>^^^ Hilarious! :D</p>

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<p>JEM, what an awesome mom! Love your story.</p>

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<p>Great story!</p>

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<p>Jem - best story ever. And your Mom was a very smart woman. Kudos to her.</p>

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<p>how clever your mom was JEM. </p>

<p>in a certain way it reminds me of the father in the film Life is Beautiful where Guido protects his son from knowing they are in a concentration camp, by pretending it’s all a game, and they are aiming to win a big prize.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry but if the MOB addresses this issue in any way there will be negative consequences for decades into the future. This needs to be dealt with exclusively by the groom and bride. If they are adult enough to get married they are adult enough to set the appropriate boundaries now, at the beginning of their lives together.</p>

<p>Trust me, if the mothers of the bride and groom get involved in any of this nonsense the price will be paid by everyone for years to come.</p>

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<p>Wow, this just sounds like a messy situation. I hope it all works itself out painlessly and effortlessly.</p>

<p>Best wishes to all the MOGs and MOBs on the thread.</p>

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<p>Does anyone find it odd that the little girl was at the bridal shower? In my experience there are no small children usually attending. It sounds like the sil is just a pawn for the mog as well. Sorry there are too many signs that she is going to sneak the girl in the wedding…the dress, that comment! Why would she say there may be a change? They need to stop her now. When\if they have children, she would be the type to expressly disregard their wishes.</p>

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<p>How have I missed this thread all day??? So sad that now I’m too tired to post much having read this whole thing.</p>

<p>I was in tears multiple times before my wedding thanks to a pushy MIL and a future husband who didn’t stand up to her. This is all on the groom. I wouldn’t get involved, moda.</p>

<p>And, I, too, am impressed with the number of posters who come from well-behaved families.</p>

<p>When is the wedding? I am excitedly anticipating the end of this story.</p>

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<p>Havent had a chance to read the whole thread, but love the spectator story!</p>

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<p>I am jumping ahead of reading ALL the posts because I got some good insight today… AND my many years of personal therapy helped me diagnosis some things.</p>

<p>First of all… I really dislike passive aggressive behavior. In fact, I find it massively selfish of anyone to count on a person to not make a scene in order to get their own way. And I have to also say, this kind of behavior is certainly not about family in the aggregate, it’s about an individual… and not the groom.</p>

<p>Second: my D and her fiance were engaged two years ago. It’s been a long engagement and from the beginning they both said no children in the wedding party. They did not include groom’s sister or the bride’s brother. But the bride did ask her only sister. So… orchestrating circumstances at the expense of the bride OR the groom or doing anything that would infer the bride is being selfish in choosing her own wedding party is IMO, is cruel. Look how quickly this group deduced the bride was being selfish, prima donna and you thought it was self-centered of her. Please read on for how completely unfair it would be for ANYONE to give that impression. Also, let’s remember, from the beginning it was BOTH the bride and groom who didn’t want children, and that has not changed in two years.</p>

<p>But here’s my FIRST solution: Since the matron of honor has a small child and we weren’t sure if he was coming or not, I had already hired a friend of mine’s daughter to be the on call babysitter with the caveat we might need to add a friend or two depending on how many small kids were coming overall. THEN, I found out yesterday the Matron of honor is leaving her two year old with her parents for the weekend (the wedding is about four hours from where my daughter lives) and the next youngest kids on the guest list who are coming are like 12.</p>

<p>I presented to both of them the idea at dinner tonight (20 people/two tables - I sat next to groom’s sister, across from the mom) that perhaps it would be fun for baby jane (and her younger brother who is only 15 months younger than her) to have a personal attendant that day to accompany them and makes sure they got what they needed the day of the wedding. This way, they (the rest of the family including groom’s family and family friends) could relax and have a great time. I even intimated something like it was the favor offered me by my friend (when in reality I will certainly pay my friend’s daughter). And I DO think it would be hugely helpful to the over all day AND then too, babysitter will be available to exit with children in case of any level of tantrum during wedding. </p>

<p>But I don’t think it has anything to do with tantrums, but I do think I better understand why it is important to the bride that the groom’s niece and nephew not be in the wedding… </p>

<p>When I offered the idea of a “lady in waiting” essentially for Baby Jane, the sister and MOG did not seem to embrace the idea, and I felt the silence was awkward enough to add in a casual way that my friend could bring her Jr in HS daughter over to meet the MOG (Grandmother to Baby Jane) and she’d see how awesome a kid she was. All I know for sure is they exchanged a lot of glancing. But then I learned something else… </p>

<p>As part of this slideshow I am making for the bride and groom, I’ve gotten a lot of photos from the MOG , but there weren’t any of him with family… all individual. Also, I wanted to know who he was as a little boy, since obviously I didn’t know him. Was he into music as a kid, art from an early age? (both are passions today doing one for a living and the other for fun.) It helps with planning the soundtrack, personal photos and stock photos to give it context. LONG story short… I have now asked the sister to help me get to know her brother as a younger guy, especially his tastes in music etc… and that I needed some sibling and family pictures. In any event, at the conclusion of this conversation I just didn’t get the feeling either one of them really “saw” him as a small kid. So… offered the lady in waiting and for the sister’s involvement in the slideshow. The MOG is coming to visit in a few weeks and I will continue to phrase it as a special treat for Baby Jane and a way she can better entertain her friends and family traveling to town.</p>

<p>But then… </p>

<p>I thought it odd that the sister did not go over and say goodbye to her brother (the groom, who sat at the other table). Nor did he say goodbye to her or his niece and nephew. I found it odd enough that I asked my D and learned for the first time, they don’t really speak because they “have nothing in common.” I pointed out that she doesn’t have a lot in common with her brother either, but there’s no silence… So I dig a little deeper to learn, the groom thinks his sister takes advantage of their parents financially and in helping her with her 2 children. He feels she is somewhat of a leach.</p>

<p>But it was the way my daughter phrased something (and I can’t recall exactly what it was), but I had an epiphany. I asked my daughter if the reason she’s adamant about not including the niece and nephew is because she thinks it has NEVER been about her fianc</p>

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<p>(OK caught up)</p>

<p>LOVE the spectator story - too funny.</p>

<p>Bridal shower is not the same as bachelor party… it was a kitchen shower, not anything racy in the least… we played silly games and had lunch, watch D open some gifts. I have no idea what kind of showers you attend, but this was mid afternoon of a Saturday. Perfectly acceptable atmosphere for 6 year old.</p>

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<p>^^^^^^I think only I was the one to use the Bridezilla word on this thread, and it absolutely was not in reference to your daughter. My sincere apologies if it seemed as if it was in any way a comment about her at all. As in all threads, several subjects have sprung from the original post, one of them being the “it’s the bride’s day” theme about which some of us have been debating. Another theme has been what “rights” are conferred on those who are paying for the wedding with regard to the wording on invitations, seating of the guests, decisions about the wedding party, etc., even though you didn’t make an issue of any of that. You’ve been focused on a specific dilemma affecting your daughter while others (like myself) have broadened the scope of the thread to include subjects you never brought up. I don’t think most of the people debating these more general issues were making any judgments about your daughter, they were just digressing like we often do on CC.</p>

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<p>Your comment, I have no idea what kind of showers you attend…was a bit snarky. I don’t care if it was 2 am or 2 pm, the showers that I normally attend don’t include small children, it has nothing to do with them being racy. Also, I agree with you wholeheartedly that the mog should be stopped. It needs to be the groom that stops her though. He needs to flat out tell his sis and mom the niece will not be allowed in no uncertain terms or else. All of this, giving her something to do or help is another example of coddling. If she comes, she sits her tail down and watches just like everyone else, since that was the original plan.</p>

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<p>Glad the “spectator” story hit the spot! Wish I had discussed it as an adult with my mom when she was alive. It is clear in my memory but only rarely, as when this topic came up, do I think of it.</p>

<p>Modadunn, the additional background you provided gives good context to the situation. I hope the bride and groom get the day they have planned for. Please do keep us posted!</p>

<p>I am a MOB myself (D’s wedding is in September) and the bride and groom are pretty much planning the wedding themselves, although H and I are contributing towards the reception costs. Bride and groom are handling a lot of the expenses and arrangements.</p>

<p>They did choose to have children involved, both in the wedding (flower girl and ring bearer) and at the reception (young children of all guests are invited). Neither side of the family has young children so the children who will be there are those of the couple’s friends. (morning wedding at outdoor site with tented brunch reception) The flower girl and ring bearer are the daughter and son of an usher. D and her fiance will arrange for a babysitter for anyone who would like one. There is a room at the reception site that can be used as a play/care/nap area. </p>

<p>Their invitation wording goes, "Together with their families, Bridey A. Lastname and Groomey B. Lastname invite you to share in the celebration of their wedding… " They went over it with us and were willing to incorporate our names but H and I were in favor of keeping it simple and focused on them.</p>

<p>So far we have not had many wedding issues other than my D is clueless about flowers and when I asked her what the florist (an acquaintance of the groom’s) was using for the reception, she said “some type of floral arrangements on the tables. She showed us some pictures of flowers that would be in season and they were pretty.” I am a hobby gardener and this lack of floral detail from my D drives me crazy but if that is the worst of our issues I will deal. (The wedding is in the city where both bride and groom live and work, about six hours from us.)</p>

<p>I love the idea of a slide show set to music, Modadunn. I have gifted D and her fiance captioned photo books incorporating pics from the bride and groom’s courtship, engagement photo shoot in their very scenic neighborhood, etc. and extra copies will be on display at a table at the reception. But I think what you are doing is lovely and wish I had the capability to do that myself.</p>

<p>And in my family any female guests of whatever age who were invited to the wedding would be included in bridal showers – or at least the ones the “aunties” were involved in.</p>

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<p>OK- I am willing to let zoozermom have the title of person with worst/most manipulative/crazy relatives, BUT, I have to count myself in at least honorable mention category for this award. I have LOTS AND LOTS of experience dealing with manipulative/crazy in laws, siblings, and X-spouse. This is not a fun thing at all.</p>

<p>As much as I sympathize with the bride in wanting the kind of ceremony that she wants, and believing that the MOG and future SisterIL and niece have other plans, I have to give a serious warning about coming across as drawing a line in the sand. Crazy and manipulative people may not care if the bride or her mother is upset: in fact, this may be their goal. Sorry, I hope not, but it is possible. In all these years having battles with my own in laws, I realized some years back that FIL was a sadist, and enjoyed seeing me cry. Yes, I"ve said it… If this is the case, I warn you MOB - you and your D and the groom will never “win” or have it your way. They will always find a way to make you suffer. </p>

<p>Perhaps someone will be able to speak diplomatically to MOG, future SisterIL to get this under control, and for all of your sakes, I hope this works out, and they are not as crazy as they may potentially be. If your future family (not groom)is as bad as some are coming across here, I would hire security just to watch this little girl and her mother.</p>

<p>I agree about setting boundaries. However, sometimes, the boundaries must be in your own mind and emotions - i.e. - they can not hurt me, they are crazy/manipulative, etc etc. Sometimes you must realize that even though you have become family, they do not care about you at all (repeat - at all). In my own case, I have never been convinced that my in laws put their son’s feelings (that would be my H) above their own. Certainly mine didn’t count.</p>

<p>My MIL took every opportunity until Alzheimer’s robbed her of her mind to pit her son against me. Most of her work was over stupid stuff, and for years I let it get to me. You can never really change people like this - remember they have to want to change. All you can do is change how you react. We have been married all these many years, and we agreed early on to do our best not to let his parents ranting affect us. Some people might have advised that H stop talking to them (their own D stopped talking to them), but he didn’t do that. You are stepping into a pile of %!* when you pit a son against his mother, even when he loves the wife more. </p>

<p>I wish you good luck OP, and my fondest hope that your D and son in law do not have a lot of this type of manipulative stuff in the future.</p>

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<p>Here is the thing: If the MOG decides to take the little girl and send her down the aisle or up in front of the altar, anyone assigned to be the "body guard " against this kind of happening is going to be in an awkward, no, terrible position. It a wedding ceremony, have to forcibly eject a little girl? Get into a match of sorts with the MOG? Not fair to put anyone on the spot like that , and if there is a scene, believe me, it will be memorable in a way that no one wants and definitely steal the wedding highlights. Many wedding have cute antics of this or that from the kids or whatever, so that they are part of the landscape. A true power struggle that might even go physical? Not one of the 100+ weddings had any such unpleasantries until late in the reception when people got soused and that gets blends in with the wedding doings as that is not uncommon. But to extricate a “flower girl” from the scene would cause more trouble than it’s worth especially if the girl resists and the mother and grandmom step in. Sometimes you can’t win on things like that. You can just ask the photographer and videographer not to include any scenes if that happens so it is just not captured. But smile and nod.</p>

<p>I would not egg the groom on about this and get those male hormones of his in over drive to protect his beloved and the wedding, so that on a day of high tensions he does something stupid. Really, this is not such a big deal. Not worth truly ruining the nice air of the wedding for. Which may well be what the MOG is counting on, and she is right. There is no “or else” about it, in that the “or else” is that the wedding air would ruined, mostly for the bride and groom, you know. Is it really worth giving every single person at the wedding a bad taste in their mouths. Sorry to say this, but those not knowing all of this will take a in the flower girl as something sweet and any scenes forcibly ejecting her as nasty. Even knowing this, especially in a house of worship, it is very mean spirited and egotistical of the bride and groom to take things to that measure for all the back stories involved. Yes, that can ruin the wedding in a nastier way than the little girl stealing the scene for a few minutes.</p>

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<p>Modadun, I totally agree with keeping this kid out of the procession, and I think you have done a nice job of trying to reach out.</p>

<p>However, you have now basically revealed that the groom has never really been able to stand up to his mother. This is a HUGE problem. Your daughter is trying to “help” him do that, and you are trying to “help” her help him do it. Will that be the template in the future as well?
Please consider that a MIL is probably the worst possible choice to confront the other MIL.
I beg you for your daughter’s sake. Have the groom learn to stand up to his mother here. If you and your daughter don’t do that, you are setting a very bad precedent. Few marriages can last under the strain of a husband who doesn’t draw the line with his parents and a wife (and her mother) who tempt to do so for him.
The kindest thing you can do for your daughter’s selfless reputation here is to stay out of it. The best and most loving gift your future SIL can give your daughter is to let her seem as if shesNOT the one with the no BabyJane flower girl preference, but the GROOM
is.</p>

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<p>Moda - as mother of the bride I think you are doing a good job of understanding the difficult dynamic between groom and groom’s sis and groom’s mom. He, it seems, is also doing a good job of setting boundaries and limits. I love your idea of hiring a baby sitter for baby jane for the day and find it interesting that your offer was met with coolness and glances from MOG and SOG/MObabyjane. It sounds like the method Groom has learned is to ignore them. Hence I suppose it might be best to take his lead, and do your best to limit additional involvement with them in the wedding and the wedding prep. It sounds to me like your dau is absolutely correct - it’s always about the gals in that family and this day is not about them for once. I would start practicing my owl blink today - the slow, steady stare, the long quiet blink, the calm neck swivel. To be used when drama unfurls. An opportunity to practice non engagement. Gandhi ji would be proud of your SIL and DD!</p>