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<p>Those folks aren’t going to be on my wedding guest list no matter how large the wedding. I think we are talking about different kinds of weddings on this thread.</p>
<p>My daughter got married a year and a half ago and her divorce will be final in a few weeks. This may contribute to my cynicism, but frankly, I think there’s too much emphasis on the wedding and not enough on the marriage. If I were doing it again, I’d suggest eloping and keeping the cash.</p>
<p>Someone I knew from work had 3 “receptions.” He got married in NYC and had a reception for friends and family. He was from Australia, his parents and many family friends couldn’t travel to NYC, so him and his bride flew home for a small reception then went to her home in Singapore to have another reception. Yes, they could have invited all of their relatives to NYC for their big wedding, but most of them couldn’t have afforded it. I don’t see how this would be any different than if the bride’s family should decide to have their wedding on the west coast when the groom’s family is from the east coast. It would be perfectly reasonable for the groom’s parents to throw a small reception for their the new couple back home.</p>
<p>I don’t think it is clear that the potentially uninvited guests here ARE that close to OP’s son. In post 17, she mentioned “good friends who live far away,” but it sounded like she was talking about HER friends. She also mentioned “an uncle and cousin who DS hasn’t seen in years but who I talk to and see annually and who always ask about him.” Setting aside the fact that since neither of these people seem like they live close to the OP anyway, I’m not sure these are connections that would warrant a “meet and greet” with the FDIL.</p>
<p>Quote:
“Ijust don’t see why a casual family friend, or co-worker, or distant cousin would have any particular interest in meeting the future bride or groom, even if they might have gone to the wedding if invited, or if it were closer.
Those folks aren’t going to be on my wedding guest list no matter how large the wedding. I think we are talking about different kinds of weddings on this thread.”</p>
<p>Honestly this took a weird turn somewhere. No one was ever talking about dragooning all-but-strangers to meet someone they would have no interest in. We were always specifically talking about people who watched a young adult grow up and who were close to the parents and who would be delighted to meet Susie’s beau. Always. Where did this assumption that this was about casual acquaintances come from? Of course Fred from accounting isn’t interested.</p>
<p>One of our kids lives 2000 miles away. Should that kiddo marry someone who also lives there, you can be guaranteed that we will host some kind of event here for our FRIENDS and the relatives who live closeby us to meet the new family member.</p>
<p>Exactly, Pizzagirl and thumper. My kids have grown up in the same neighborhood since they were very young. I watched their friends grow up. I would be delighted to meet their friend’s spouse at a get together, whether I was invited to the wedding or not. And I doubt either of my kids will marry someone local to us.</p>
<p>Was thinking about this thread as I just met an acquaintance on the train ride home and hadn’t seen him in awhile. His son was the valedictorian of older d’s high school graduating class,an absolutely brilliant and well-rounded and nice young man. He is his first year of a very demanding residency program in pediatric neurosurgery(not quite sure if that is it exactly). He is engaged to a young woman who he met while in med school. Her parents were insisting that the wedding had to be a destination wedding on a caribbean island. I am not certain what the couple felt about that at all but this person and his wife do not fly and so a destination wedding in the caribbean was not on their agenda at all. The live in different states in the U.S and had met several times before wedding planning. Now a date has been set but the venue has been changed 4x… he said the less that he has to do now with his future DIL and his son’s future in-laws the happier he is… </p>
<p>My hope is that if my d’s do marry their current boyfriends, a workable arrangement will be found to make all happy. I cannot imagine that either d will want a very big wedding. It is important to my husband that they be married by rabbi and I know for older d, it is important for her as well and in our case, neither of these boys or their families are connected to any religion but I would not to impose on them either and make presumption that it is okay with them. It would be for the couple to make that decision, although they are well aware of the importance to DH and to myself. Neither family live in our area, older d’s boyfriends parents are divorced so there are other considerations as one parent is remarried and one is not and we have not met either parent. We have meet younger d’s boyfriends parents several times and they are lovely people. They live in an entirely different part of the U.S than their extended families so perhaps getting ahead of myself, but cannot imagine a large crowd on their side. My husband’s family is Orthodox and he is not close to his religious cousins but of course we would need to respect the dietary needs of my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and our niece and nephews and their families. I have several cousins that I am not especially close with and would have a difficult time on where to draw the line…</p>
<p>We have travelled to several long-distance weddings for both close friend’s daughter and family members. I would have to perhaps draw the line if asked to fly to Hawaii or to a Caribbean island in season although could/would make a vacation out of it. So much of all this depends on your personal situation and when/where/how much notice… one of my cousins whose son got married in Scottsdale a year ago hosted a rather large engagement party in Boston for her friends and some very close family who she knew would not travel to Arizona. We planned to attend the wedding but could not because of Hurricane Sandy(what is the likelihood of a November weekend wedding being missed because of a Hurricane???) but we also travelled to Boston specifically because we wanted to get to meet the bride and her family before the wedding but it was also a nice opportunity to spend July 4th weekend at a lovely event in a great city and always fun to see these cousins.</p>
<p>Havent caught up on all the comments, but I cannot fathom why anyone would find an engagement party or a reception for the new couple “tacky”. And I also don’t get why the parents of the groom should make it a “no gifts” event. Most friends, who would understand there are limits to a wedding guest list, would want to be included in a celebration of their friends children’s joy. I recently attended an engagement party for a friend’s daughter. I fully expect NOT to be invited to the wedding, but was honored to be included int he engagement celebration and happy to get them a gift. Cannot fathom feeling any other way but to be thrilled to share in their joy and to be included amongst the friends and family invited to celebrate this event.</p>
<p>We were invited to a reception in HI (where the groom was from). They also had a reception in DC (where the couple met and most of their friends live), and in Taiwan, where the bride is from. Not sure where the actual ceremony took place or perhaps if there may have been several. It was very tasteful, and I thought considerate to have celebrations in each venue rather than expecting people to fly so far from their homes. Not many attended all of the celebrations.</p>
<p>I have been to one destination wedding, in Wailea, Maui. It was lovely, but we stayed at the less expensive hotel near where much of the wedding party was staying. It was lovely but quite expensive for many–fortunately the parents of the happy newlyweds were extremely wealthy and paid for a pre-wedding luau, appetizers and drinks, a lovely dinner reception, and breakfast with the newlyweds.</p>
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<p>Honestly that’s kind of the least they could do after asking people to pay to schlep all the way to Hawaii (well, I know that’s not a schlep for you, HIMom :-). I’m not a fan of the destination wedding concept because I think that’s a big burden to ask of people. It’s one thing to expect close family members to travel someplace for the weekend because you’re getting married in another city where you now have your life; it’s another thing to expect people to use their precious vacation time around <em>your</em> dream vacation (because, of course, no one from the mainland is going to go to Hawaii “for the weekend,” they’re going to stay a full week).</p>
<p>The daughter of former neighbors, who now live in Florida, just had a destination wedding in Hawaii. Am scratching my head over that one. Don’t recall where the dau and her now husband live, but there are plenty of lovely places in FL or off the FL coast. Why Hawaii?</p>
<p>That said, the photos are stunning.</p>
<p>A destination wedding was never an option that D considered for the reason stated above. She and her fiance want a wedding that their (mostly broke) friends as well as elderly relatives can attend. (my parents and inlaws being the last 4 people I know that I can picture on a beach somewhere…). </p>
<p>Wedding venue is booked as of yesterday. It is 45 minutes from our house, not where D and her fiance live now, but where she grew up and his family lived for several years.</p>
<p>I don’t see a problem with a destination wedding if the bride and groom are accepting of the fact that few people might be able to afford to show up. I’m fortunate to know many more reasonable people than unreasonable ones, so I’m not aware of any resentment in my circle over the few destination weddings that have been planned. I wouldn’t go to one unless a very close relative invited me, but I wouldn’t mind if that’s how a couple want to get married. And the couple wouldn’t mind my absence, either - there aren’t many people who don’t consider it a party unless I’m there. :)</p>
<p>I have a daughter planning a wedding. The venue they’ve chosen is about 2 hours from where the couple lives, within 3 hours of two sets of grandparents, and 8 hours from the other grandparents. It may seem inconsiderate to some, but when the couple looked at available dates, affordable venues, and the very limited time off from work they have, this was the best option. If they’d been married in the towns where one or the other grew up, it would have been equally inconvenient for some guests. There will be no hard feelings if people find they just can’t travel that far.</p>
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I agree - one person’s “destination” is another’s home town. We’ve been to several weddings on Cape Cod, which many people use as a destination. But these kids grew up there and their parents are still there. So even though the kids don’t live there any more, it makes sense - there’s a real connection to the place of the wedding, and it was chosen on more than just a whim.</p>
<p>In our mobile society, a wedding, no matter where held, will likely be inconvenient for someone!</p>
<p>Not sure who, if anyone (if so I musta missed it) suggested someone who was lucky enough to live in a place like Hawaii couldn’t expect to have a wedding in their home state. Of course they could. And probably should. I think what posters are talking about is the planning of a destination wedding far from where any of the participants or their families live. The cost of getting to a destination wedding is prohibitive for many, so as others have said, while it is certainly the perogative of the bride and groom, they might expect (or perhaps want) a small turnout. I was puzzled by the choice of the dau of former neighbors who live in coastal FL to hold their wedding on Maui. Maybe HImom was invited?? :)</p>
<p>Okay, for clarification…Chedva quoted part of a post that I deleted (quick one you are 
). This leads to lack of context. I’d put it back if I had copied it and had it in it’s entirety, I don’t. When I loaded my computer to delete I did not see any posts past mine or I would have left it. My apologizes.</p>
<p>edit to add: In looking at it I believe that’s the entire post so I claim it. Again, sorry for the confusion.</p>
<p>Thanks, but I am still confused. Who ever said HImom’s family having a wedding in Hawaii was out of line??</p>
<h1>182 dmd - so sorry. I agree with your post. One reason I had a very small wedding was I was the last of a group of friends marrying. I’d spent three years fully involved in planning, partying, marrying off these friends. By the time I got engaged, two were already divorcing. So very sad.</h1>
<p>One thing I’ve been thinking about on all these wedding threads is how things have changed. The wedding rules with which I was raised are based on the idea that the bride lives very near her family, if not still at home, and the groom and his family live fairly close. Working around the reality of far-flung families and friends wasn’t an issue. There is no debate about entertaining out-of-towners at the rehearsal dinner if there are really no out-of-towners. (a different informative wedding thread)</p>
<p>OTOH - what I see now is usually what Oldfort described pages ago. A couple is having parties in multiple countries in an effort to include all their loved ones. I am seeing a lot of couples with families on different continents. The old rules won’t work here. imho</p>
<p>I think sometimes destination weddings solve the problem of choosing which family locale in which to hold the wedding. Everyone has to travel.</p>
<p>My absolute favorite type of wedding is the backyard wedding. I’ve already told my kids that any wedding I host is going to be in the yard. That is the only choice 
if I am hosting.</p>
<p>I live in the country. I’m pitching tents for the out-of-towners. </p>
<p>Let’s see if anyone lets me host a wedding.</p>
<p>That’s why I deleted it jym. I realized I didn’t really understand the spirit/intent of what other posters were getting at. ‘Out of line’ was a strong statement.</p>