<p>alh, I was married 25yrs ago. My husband and I were from local cities but his mom is first generation and my extended family is not local. We had an 18mo engagement specifically to accommodate family overseas to make the trip. There were a number of events the days prior to the wedding hosted by local family, as well as my husband and I, to entertain and take care of family that had traveled long distances including luncheons, dinners, a large inclusive rehearsal dinner (all out of town family), a large backyard party after the reception, and brunch the day after the wedding. This is not something ‘new’, but very specific to your family DNA. The ‘rule’ we worked with was accommodate family before our own friends. Out of 125 guests (way more then DH could reasonably afford) we invited exactly two personal friends between the two of us, both in the wedding party.</p>
<p>FWIW, I wanted 40 +/- friends and family outdoors at a simple gathering. Didn’t happen.</p>
<p>I’m not sure why you think we’re using different terminology. We’re using the same terminology. By destination wedding, everyone means “bride and groom choose a location that isn’t related to where they currently live or where their families live or have homes, but some other location that they personally find intriguing.” Of course it’s not a destination wedding for HIMom’s kids to get married in Hawaii (or for the family with a summer home in Cape Cod to have a wedding there). No one even remotely thought or suggested that.</p>
<p>blueiguana: I am sorry I didn’t make clear I understand “the wedding rules with which I was raised” are very insular, and “DNA” specific. Absolutely. Also a completely artificial construct that just tries to make the wedding go smoothly because everyone is on the same page. When you just do whatever your mother and grandmother did, wedding planning is pretty easy. At least relatively. That is why I find all these other points of view so interesting. It is especially fascinating to me since my kids and all their friends are marrying in worlds that bear no relation to the world in which I married. I am interested in how the rules get translated. If any rules even still exist. I understand my rules are very specific to a particular time and place and probably make no sense whatsoever in contemporary life. I’m not particularly attached to the wedding rules with which I was raised.</p>
<p>ETA: even though I thought I wasn’t into weddings at all, reading all these threads makes me want to plan one! I guess I’m recovered from my child’s wedding, which I didn’t host or plan. All you you are giving me some interesting new ideas to think about. Thanks!</p>
<p>Still, pretty much a fantasy. Probably no one will let me plan anything. That’s okay, too.</p>
<p>Like blueiguana, I was married 27 years ago. My husband and I were from different cities (we met in college). I was married out of the city where my parents lived, but all of our relatives were back east as we were recent transplants to the Midwest. All of H’s side and the vast majority of my side, including my girlfriends, were from out of town. It was simply the norm to have events to entertain and take care of people who have traveled long distances such as luncheons, rehearsal dinners, brunch the day after. It so happened that there wasn’t a need for my parents to “introduce” my fianc</p>
<p>Pizzagirl - I realize that. If you read, you’ll see that I understood within a minute of hitting send on that post that I’d missed the mark on what you’d meant. That was not your intent, which is why I deleted. Cheveda quoted the post so I ‘claimed’ it for continuity and context of the thread. I stated the reason I deleted to jym… hey, I goofed here (in other words, but it was pretty obvious). I’m trying to be clear here, but with my above posts I’m not sure why you’re dragging this out in post #202…you are right and I was wrong. We agree completely. Can we agree now. :)</p>
<p>Cheers PG! I wish I’d spent more time reading in the first place this morning. I’d blame my iPhone (which only shows half a post so I tend not to review/reread, and also led to the delay in deleting, had to boot the computer as you can’t delete from the iPhone) but that’s kind of a cop-out. :o</p>
<p>It’s interesting that you say this, because I didn’t see it as “how my mother / grandmother did things.” My mother and grandmother both came from very modest working class backgrounds, married people of similar means who lived within a few blocks, simply didn’t have any social circle that included “out-of-town” and they had modest lunches at a restaurant because that’s what people could afford and that was the end of it. But by the time I got married and my parents were in a different social circle, it was just the norm to entertain out of town people and the like. I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t think it was necessarily a set of rules that were handed down over the years. Does that make sense?</p>
<p>^absolutely. This is where the different points of view comes in and how we all think we are talking about the same thing but we aren’t really. at least, in my opinion. We keep talking on these threads about the right way to do things. Before reading these threads I still kind of thought there were rules and a right way to do things with regard to weddings. Now I really don’t. There is clearly no consensus on this board about the right way to do weddings. It seems to me the lack of shared rules and expectations makes us all rather agitated.</p>
<p>Except maybe alwaysamom. Wedding planning is clearly always a joyful experience for her. If I ever get to plan a wedding, I would love her advice:)</p>
<p>One of the reasons the couple I know are planning a destination wedding is because they don’t want and can’t afford a large wedding. They have so many friends and family locally that they feel it would be huge if within just a few hours of here. They decided they could have a small wedding half way across the country, knowing that most people can’t afford to come and then have a scaled back BBQ type party at a friend’s farm when they come back. In those circumstances, I think they should request no gifts. Of course, lots of people will bring them anyway.</p>
<p>In those circmstances, I’d have the wedding with the outdoor barbecue, then take honeymoon in some nice place. As a guest, I’m happy to go to a casual affair (think beach in my area), & be part of ceremony.</p>
<p>I rather feel badly for our 20’s young adults, at least those who went far away for college or jobs, and met someone at a distance. No way they can satisfy friends and family.</p>
<p>Got to agree with this … and actually think it’s a very natural outcome when the couple goes for a small wedding and one side of the family is big and traditionally invites all family and a ton of friends. Mom3ToGo and I were married in the garden at the house in which Mom3ToGo was raised … we had about 50 people at the wedding. My Mom’s initial list from her side of the family (and family friends) was about 100 people by itself … she was not happy with only the 10 or so from her family that were eventually were invited. However, she (and we) were really happy when we planned a family cookout for her family to which she could invite whomever she wanted.</p>
<p>
. We used the “no gift” approach … to us it seemed having an additional family event might feel like a “gift grab” to some people so we tried to cut that off at the pass.</p>
<p>One punch line for me from our wedding planning was that whatever decisions we made they would tick someone off … and that we couldn’t, frankly, be all that concerned about the people we ticked off.</p>
<p>I think there are guiding principles, which are different from rules. For example, one guiding principle seems to be to inclusive rather than exclusive. Some people might interpret that as - well, invite them all to the wedding in Seattle when we live in Atlanta and let them decide on their own whether they can afford to come, that’s not for us to pre-determine. Others might interpret that - gosh, I know there’s no way they can all afford to fly to Seattle for the weekend, why don’t we have a party to introduce or celebrate the happy couple here before or after the wedding since I still know they’d get a kick out of meeting them. See what I mean? There are two different “rules” but there was an operating principle of inclusiveness meant behind them.</p>
<p>Following this thread has been … interesting. I have had some strong reactions to what’s been written.</p>
<p>I’ve been bouncing some of this conversation off my 21yo ds. We were really amused that some people have a problem having a little get-together for friends of our family so that they could meet our ds’s fiancee. That just seems like good manners to us. I can think of any number of kids who I’d be thrilled to meet their new fiance/fiancee at a party setting but whose wedding I don’t think I need to be invited to. I think it depends on the kind of party whether you bring a present.</p>
<p>I couldn’t disagree more with the suggestion of “Jewish classes” for the FDIL. The implication is that if she just knew more she’d come to the right conclusion. Like PG, my MIL was overly invested in our wedding (she picked the religion, the officiant and the church as well as the reception venue; she and dh’s older sister even insisted upon attending the meeting with the priest), and I continue to have hard feelings to this day. While, yes, that’s partly my problem, I can’t help but think she won the battle but lost the war. I think just inquiring of them both wouldn’t an issue but asking with the intention of convincing them to see it your way is a recipe for disaster. </p>
<p>OP, allow me to suggest something my in-laws did at our wedding that I really loved. We had a traditional rehearsal dinner at the reception venue (large hotel) for the attendants and immediate family. But then my in-laws wanted to have a party that night for all the out-of-town guests. It turned out wonderfully. Some of the best memories of the whole weekend. We talked the hotel into letting us bring in our own ethnic food since the hotel really couldn’t do what we wanted, food-wise. This was a wonderful way for extended members of the two sides to meet one another, for my side to get an introduction to dh’s culture and just another wonderful excuse to party and an easy way to entertain a large crowd and feel hospitable to those who traveled to attend. It also took the pressure off seeing everyone at the hectic reception because we’d met/greeted them the night before. It also meant people at the wedding “knew” us better when watching the ceremony. Very, very fun.</p>
<p>Not a fan of destination weddings. Nephew tried to have one at a resort in Mexico, and no one wanted to tell him they wouldn’t make it. Once we did, the floodgates opened and people started saying, Congrats, but we can’t swing that. They ended up having a wedding at a B&B closer to my house than theirs, and I spent a LOT of time working on that, happily.</p>
<p>The thing that surprised me most on this thread was my reaction to the idea of not meeting my son’s future in-laws until the wedding weekend. That would really bug me. If they were on another continent, then not meeting them wouldn’t be surprising, but if they are in the lower 48 I’d absolutely want to meet them ahead of time. I guess I never even considered that the not meeting thing would be an option. And this has made me start to secretly wish that they both marry nice Texas girls so that it’s just easier on everyone! ;)</p>
<p>I can’t imagine not meeting my future in-laws before the wedding weekend! My fiance and I drove from Texas to Wisconsin so that I could meet mine! They were so welcoming and wonderful that I couldn’t wait to see them the week we got married. If I hadn’t met them, I would have been really nervous about the first meeting.</p>
<p>I want to add that part of the reason this topic is interesting to me is that my 38yo niece/godddaughter just got engaged for the first time this past weekend. I am ecstatic, but only her parents have met the guy, despite dating long distance on the down low for two years! And her parents just met him a couple of months ago. I was appropriately excited at the big announcement and asked lots of (I hope) non-intrusive questions but did tell her I hoped to get to meet him before the wedding. And this was before I started reading this thread!</p>
<p>OP
Watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
Father Of the Bride
You need to be able to find a sense of humor about the whole wedding process that will soon consume your life.</p>
<p>It’s been fascinating to read these wedding threads. As far as I can tell, every wedding I’ve ever been to, including my own, have violated some unwritten imperative “rule” someone holds near and dear. I hope by kids all elope or go down to the courthouse, then have what ever kind of party they want, for whomever they want. It’s about the MARRIAGE, not the WEDDING. Anyone near and dear to them will have years to enojy their company.</p>
<p>ssea, I’ve told both boys it’s OK with me if they elope and then we just have a big party afterward. And I mean it. I want them to have happy lives, and, to me, the wedding is just a bunch of trappings. But I do think there should be a party or something marking the joining of families. I really want to get to know the people my son will be spending half his holidays with!</p>
I posted that and then figured out later what had gone on. We’re good!</p>
Like PG, my MIL was overly invested in our wedding (she picked the religion, the officiant and the church as well as the reception venue; she and dh’s older sister even insisted upon attending the meeting with the priest), and I continue to have hard feelings to this day. While, yes, that’s partly my problem, I can’t help but think she won the battle but lost the war. I think just inquiring of them both wouldn’t an issue but asking with the intention of convincing them to see it your way is a recipe for disaster. </p>