<p>One of the fascinating things to me in all these wedding threads is how differently we all live and view the world. Really.</p>
<p>ETA
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<p>It isn’t unusual for me to host a party for visitors or someone new to the area, so they can meet people in the area they don’t know. I call it entertaining. 
It seems pretty run-of-the-mill normal in my social group. The odd thing would be if I didn’t do it. :(</p>
<p>I actually got to talk to FDIL privately this morning since DH and S were out. We began just talking about all that’s going on in S’ life right now and how stressed he is and I turned the conversation toward the wedding by asking how much of the planning was going to fall on her since S is preoccupied. I told her not to be concerned about finding a location that would be less of a drive for most of our family, but to find someplace that works for her. Our family will deal with a longer drive to get there. I think that eased her mind since she said she liked some of the vendors her sister used for her wedding, but that would mean having the wedding near where her sister lives which is further away from us. It sounds like it was S’ idea to try to find someplace in between where both families live (no, he’s not an engineer, but close). She’s most concerned with the location being easy for people to access whether by car or plane.</p>
<p>I feel like I opened the door to discussing the wedding which was good. I offered my help in any way that I could. I’m not going to get into guest list stuff at this point since even their preliminary guest list may change once they start getting venue prices. It also seems like it’s premature and touchy to bring up the ceremony…she indicated that she has relatives she’s not sure she’ll invite with the implication being that they wouldn’t approve of her marrying outside her faith. I don’t need to add to her angst about that.</p>
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<p>Truly interested in knowing why this “other” party is tacky and shouldn’t be held. A good friend (mother of the groom) who hosted one of these parties was totally excited and thrilled that her son was finally getting married (he was 34 at the time) and couldn’t wait to have a party for him. She has three sons and feels like this was her only chance to have a wedding. She spent a huge amount of time cooking much of the food and also had some of it catered. She is a very frugal person, and she surprised everyone by hiring a bartender and servers (her cleaning lady and husband who also do this to supplement their income). I helped my friend buy wine–not that I’m all that knowledgeable but she knew I entertain often and serve wine. Another friend who is a very good amateur photographer took photos. The event was great fun and everyone had a good time. It included mostly neighbors and friends who had known the groom since he was a kid. It wasn’t at all like a presentation of the royal family–it was more like our son got married and we want to celebrate with our friends. Not being argumentative but wondering why that’s tacky?</p>
<p>It all depends on context and social circle, but I agree with ema that in both my circle and my parents’, it generally isn’t done, and we’d consider it tacky unless this was a smaller than usual wedding, a larger than usual family, or there were a situation like the one romani described in which there was a whole group of people too large to be invited en masse but close enough to want to celebrate with.</p>
<p>Most weddings I’ve gone to are in the range of 100-200 guests. With that number, unless you have a massive family there is usually room for inviting the friends of your parents who actually played a role in your life. If you aren’t close enough to be one of those 100 + people, you probably aren’t close enough to want to go to a “meet the bride and groom” event, especially one in which there may be an expectation of gifts. If you’re at least close enough to occasionally interact with the couple, you’ll meet them in due time, but it isn’t some great thrill or honor. </p>
<p>The tackiness, to me, is twofold. Everyone has to decide who is and is not invited to a given event, but calling attention to it through a formalized “A” and “B” list seems slightly rude to me - perhaps not to people who would never have expected to be invited to the wedding in the first place, but certainly to people who were more of a judgment call. It also does seem to me to give the impression that meeting the bride and groom is some big honor that we should be thrilled to take part in. Decide who you want to celebrate with you, and invite those people to the wedding and, when appropriate, to the engagement/bridal/bachelor party. Otherwise, let me offer you congratulations and move on until the next time I see you.</p>
<p>"^PG said it better than I. The meet-the-new dil/sil parties are generally for friends of the couple’s parents. Usually, the invitees are long-time family friends who aren’t rejects or B-listers ,but folks who are truly interested in the new couple and want to meet the new inlaw and who for all kinds of reasons (as per my long explanation above) weren’t invited to the wedding."</p>
<p>My cousin hosted a cookout for all her close friends and the relatives who weren’t invited to the daughter’s second wedding (we were all at the first.) The daughter and the SIL paid for the whole thing (the first was on mom and dad.) Most of the people invited already knew the SIL, as they dated for two years or so before getting married, live in the area, and were invited as a couple to many events prior to the wedding. My cousin just wanted to host a party for those people close to them who couldn’t be invited. Everyone understand why they weren’t invited to the wedding and no one had a problem with being invited to the cookout. Everyone brought gifts/cash, too - but no one looked at the party as a gift/cash grab either.</p>
<p>This is very contextual to your own social circle. We have about 8 families who all started in the same neighborhood when the kids were very young, some were born there. It was an unusually close neighborhood group and we all knew it was rare. Slowly after about 7-8 years we started moving to larger homes, still within 30min of each other. We’ve continued to stay close, as have the kids, several attending the same colleges. For social events maybe four times a year we are all together. Otherwise it’s a few gals for lunch or the movies, changing couple groups for dinner, guys golf together. It’s always a moving group and absolutely no one gets their knickers in a knot. I highly anticipate that weddings will run the gamut from large to intimate and invitations will not be an all or nothing clean break within the group. This is no reflection on our closeness or friendship. If a wedding for one of these kids I have watched grow up is one I don’t attend for whatever reason I would very much enjoy attending a party where I could meet the new member of the family and celebrate the happy time. I would in no way feel B list or second rate. This is how we operate. If it’s out of the realm of normal in your social circle then this scenario doesn’t compute. For many, this seems perfectly wonderful.</p>
<p>I’m not wild about the “other party” idea either but I agree it varies from community to community. I also think that few people are offended by not being invited to a wedding, unless they are looking for a reason to be offended that is separate from the wedding. Weddings are fine, but you won’t catch me complaining about not being invited to one. I can make a long list of things I’d rather do.</p>
<p>“PG, the first part is correct. The second part is not that I don’t know him (I’ve been to weddings in which I knew only one half of the bridal couple), but that there’s little reason to fete the couple as if they were the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. I meet the spouses or significant others of people I know all the time in the normal course of a social or professional life. An even specifically for that purpose is, to me, tacky. And if I really do want to meet the new or soon to be spouse, I’ll invite them and the parents to my house!”</p>
<p>So the groom to be is only in town for the weekend, but rather than attend a party, reception, dinner, whatever that his future in-laws throw to introduce him to all their friends, you would insist he has to come to <em>your</em> home? He doesn’t even know you from Adam. Why would you do that and usurp the joy of the future in laws to have *all their friends meet the young man? Are you going to invite all the future in laws’ friends, some of whom you may know and others you don’t?</p>
<p>"Most weddings I’ve gone to are in the range of 100-200 guests. With that number, unless you have a massive family there is usually room for inviting the friends of your parents who actually played a role in your life. If you aren’t close enough to be one of those 100 + people, "</p>
<p>You’re not hearing what we are saying. What if the bride’s parents are 1000 miles away, the wedding will be held there, and all they can afford is punch and cake in the backyard for 30 people? That is what it is. There’s no shame in that. They can’t just go invite 100 people and hope that 70 don’t show. You might be off the list because Aunt Millicent is more important. Mostly because she is.</p>
<p>I have friends who are having a “destination” wedding, something that I think is often rude to start with. I want to go to their wedding but do I want their destination to be my vacation that year? No. It will have to be though. So, they are going to have a small wedding and then have a huge party back at home. I asked if they expect those people to bring wedding presents and they said that they probably would and even admitted that is one of reasons they are having the party! That is tacky.</p>
<p>Romani, what you describe seems perfectly appropriate to me. People who cared about you who were delighted to meet your fianc</p>
<p>Hosting your own party seems different from having your future in laws host a party for their friends to meet and greet.</p>
<p>When I was growing up, I can recall it being deemed proper for anyone who wanted to host a party for the engaged or newly-married couple was free to do so. I can recall barbeques, teas, dinners, whatever. I would see nothing wrong with a newly-married couple having such a party for anyone they wanted to invite. I would draw the line at gifts, though.</p>
<p>PG, it was more hosted by my dad than myself. He did all the arranging and inviting. The only reason I was going to pay was because I had more money than him at the time. He would’ve if he could’ve.</p>
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<p>Don’t know if you’re responding to my post, but the instances I described of after-the-wedding parties were in cases where the weddings were 50 people or less. The only exception was the one where the bride’s mother was one of 10 siblings and there really were more siblings and their kids than anyone else at that wedding.</p>
<p>If you’re inviting 100-200 people then there’s usually no reason to have a party after the fact. I guess I have a very different set of experiences because all of the weddings I’ve been to lately are weddings that have a guest list of fewer than 100 people. Most of my friends have kids in their late 20s/early 30s and the trend I’ve noticed is to keep the guest list small. My D had a guest list of 75 and it increased to slightly over 100.</p>
<p>I haven’t been to a wedding with over 200 people since I was kid (which was a very long time ago). Large weddings (200 people) were really common in my working class, ethnic neighborhood. They were usually held in banquet halls. </p>
<p>The after-wedding parties I described were all given by the groom’s parents and in all of them the invitations specifically said “no gifts”. It looked to me like people honored that request.</p>
<p>I am from the south so it is common for relatives and friends to throw all kinds of parties for the bride, everything from afternoon teas to barbecues. However, all of the people invited to these would also be invited to the wedding. They are not designed as parties for people who didn’t make the wedding invitation cut.</p>
<p>But you guys keep talking about people who are living in the <em>same geographic area</em> and all travel in the same social circles. I can see why that might engender a “are we A list or B list.” But we aren’t talking about that. </p>
<p>We are talking about a situation where a wedding is held in (say) the bride’s hometown, and there are people in the groom’s hometown who still might like to meet the bride because they remember the groom growing up. And the bride is only in the groom’s hometown every now and then so of course it makes sense to plan an introduction. Whether it’s “come over for a BBQ” or something fancier. </p>
<p>The “fete them like the Duke and Duchess” is kind of shark jumping, as no one has remotely expressed any idea that the couple should be “elevated.”</p>
<p>As I said in my first post on the subject, I agree that the size of the wedding matters. If you’re having a small and intimate wedding, there are plenty of people who are reasonably close to you who aren’t going to be invited. If you’re having a wedding at a great distance from your home, a lot of people you invite won’t be able to come. That seems most relevant to OP’s case. Even then, though, it seems to me that the format of the event - or whether or not it should take place at all - depends on how close the bride and groom are to the guests. I just don’t see why a casual family friend, or co-worker, or distant cousin would have any particular interest in meeting the future bride or groom, even if they might have gone to the wedding if invited, or if it were closer.</p>
<p>We are giving a wedding for 130. Found out this week that someone VERY dear to our hearts is engaged. Her side? 50 ish…their side 400. And that is cutting the list. Yawzaa!</p>
<p>“just don’t see why a casual family friend, or co-worker, or distant cousin would have any particular interest in meeting the future bride or groom, even if they might have gone to the wedding if invited, or if it were closer.”</p>
<p>We weren’t talking about casual family friends, coworkers, or distant cousins whom you wouldn’t know if you tripped over them! We were talking specifically about your good / close friends’ children, whom you watched grow up and for who you tend to share milestones with the parents! </p>
<p>Is this where the disconnect comes from? No one is saying host a party for your son in law or daughter in law and invite Fred from accounting or third cousin Gladys.</p>