<p>This thread has been so enlightening. What works in some families obviously crosses the line in others. Glad I can talk with (to) my kids about anything. I hope their someday spouses will not change that. If they did contribute to such a change, then I predict trouble in other areas. Like a previous poster, I put on the “mom hat” once in awhile, and while the kids may roll their eyes, they have always been respectful of the input, even when they chose to ignore it. I consider that a huge parenting win…that my adult kids see me as a person whose life experiences might just be worth listening to. Then again, we’ve never forced our opinions on them…so that may be why they’ve been so agreeable.</p>
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<p>I’ve been to three gatherings like this in the last two years; in each case the bride and groom (children of good friends) had 1) a destination wedding where only immediate family and the wedding party were invited 2) a wedding where the couple was currently living (in CA–which would be across country for folks at the gathering) or 3) a small wedding where the groom’s family had only a very limited number of guests to invite. In all of these situations it was the groom’s mother who was throwing the party. </p>
<p>I thought the parties were a great way to meet the new spouse and to socialize with friends. In each case, the parents enjoyed being able to host the party in their home and serve what they wanted to serve. Also, for all of these parties the invitations specified “no gifts”. From what I observed, most people honored that request. I think this is a great compromise.</p>
<p>Weddings generate so much drama that this compromise seems like a good way to keep peace. My kid got married 4 years ago and I’ve forgotten most of the drama and remember all the good parts. I got lots of thank you notes from guests and members of the wedding party thanking us and saying what a great time they had.</p>
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<p>I’ve always been taught that whether someone attends a far-away wedding should be that person’s decision, not one made by the bride & groom or the mothers or anyone else. For someone to say, “Oh, they won’t come anyway so let’s not invite them” is, to me, presumptuous. (Then again, I understand that there are people who would say, “They knew we wouldn’t come, so obviously they invited us only to get gifts!” Sometimes you can’t win!) </p>
<p>I based my feelings about a separate party for those not invited to the wedding on reading of Miss Manners, Emily Post, Dear Abby, et al. Of course things vary from place to place, and from family to family. I still believe in most cases that it’s tacky to invite people to “meet the couple” if they’re not close enough to be invited to the wedding. Why would I care to “meet the couple” in a formal setting if I don’t know them (or won’t meet them) in an informal one?</p>
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<p>I am so grateful for this thread. It provided an opening for me to have a talk with D2 last night. When I started asking her about things like buffet vs. sit down, DJ vs. band, and who she wants to invite, etc., she told me that she’s been reading a lot about wedding etiquette on TheKnot.com. They have a community there, sort of like CC, where people can post their questions, provide answers, etc. Might be worth the time to give it a look.</p>
<p>I don’t get your distinction. So if you’ve haven’t met them yet, you can’t ever meet them?<br>
You can meet them informally and then go to the wedding or you can meet them at the wedding, but nowhere in between? I truly don’t understand what you’re saying.</p>
<p>PG, what I’m saying is:
I’m close enough to be invited to the wedding, or I’m not. Either I am invited to celebrate the couple in the venue in which there is reason to celebrate them (the wedding), or there’s little reason for me to celebrate the couple. It’s an either/or scenario. </p>
<p>It’s like being on the B list for the wedding - we’ll invite you if the people we really want there can’t come.</p>
<p>I read TheKnot.com forums peridocally but will never post there because those women are the meanest pack of witches I have EVER seen, and they make absolutely no allowances for local or family customs-- and 15 people will pile on if you even hint at making the slightest faux pas. You will learn the absolute letter of the law in terms of etiquette from them but if I were you I’d put on a helmet before you post there. 
They make CC look like a bunch of soft fuzzy kitty cats in comparison. Brides are mean, mean, MEAN.</p>
<p>I see where you are coming from with this, Chedva, and I think I agree. I can think of very few people in our lives that would make sense for that kind of a party… who were “not important enough” to make it to the wedding list, but still important enough that they would want to meet us and celebrate the wedding. I think if we’d done a destination wedding or something I could probably come up with fewer than 10 people that would make sense for this sort of a gathering, at which point I would just throw an informal dinner and not even have a “party” and might not bother at all and just introduce fiance to those people casually as we go along. But maybe others have a wider and closer social circle in which it makes more sense to do this sort of thing. I don’t and can’t fathom it, but I know different people have drastically different relationships with their social circle.</p>
<p>I read TheKnot PURELY for enjoyment. Those women are… interesting. ;)</p>
<p>I do have out of town friends on our wedding list. Many are friends from college who moved after college. Some are family friends who have retired to snow country. All have indicated so far that they are coming. </p>
<p>I would not, personally, decide whether or not to invite someone based on distance. I would invite them because I want them to be a part of my day and absolutely understand if they cannot make it for whatever reasons.</p>
<p>"I’m close enough to be invited to the wedding, or I’m not. Either I am invited to celebrate the couple in the venue in which there is reason to celebrate them (the wedding), or there’s little reason for me to celebrate the couple. It’s an either/or scenario. "</p>
<p>I would be delighted to meet and greet my friends’ children’s intendeds if and when that happen, but I wouldn’t feel put out because the bride lives 1000 miles away, her family can only afford punch and cake for 30 people, and I’m not as important as Aunt Millicent. That seems petulant to me. “Either I’m important enough or I can’t be bothered!” Really, people have limitations on guest lists.
This reminds me of the people who get all worked up that their kid didn’t get invited to the wedding because they got there and the couple’s nieces/nephews were there. Uh, yes, your kids <em>aren’t</em> as important as the couple’s family. I’m <em>not</em> as important as Aunt Millicent when it comes to my friends’ families.</p>
<p>I think PG said it earlier in the thread - a party for all your friends and family to meet the bride/groom. Don’t label it an engagement party if that bothers you. We had a dear friend’s S get engaged this past thanksgiving. Over the break, they invited a few of their close friends to lunch at their house to meet the happy couple. Not an engagement party, no gifts - just a lunch to get together and meet the couple. Worked out great - no idea yet on who from that party will actually be invited for the wedding (they are planning the wedding themselves and are thinking they will hold it on the west coast where they live and work - most family/friends are on the east coast).</p>
<p>Another friends’ S also got engaged - they live in the same area as their parents. They want to fund and plan their own wedding (small and intimate). Parents would like to invite several friends who wouldn’t make the wedding list. They’ve decided to throw an engagement party next June (about five months before the actual wedding) and invite all their friends/family to it. I think if you are upset that there will be ruffled feathers, this would be a good way to go. Although finding time for it could be a concern.</p>
<p>Another friend’s S got married a couple of years ago. Bride was jewish, groom was indian. They had a justice of the peace perform the ceremony - but they included elements of both indian and jewish culture/traditions in the ceremony. The groom’s parents told us that the couple planned all of it themselves, took over a year, but ironed out details so it worked out the way they wanted it to. Was a lovely ceremony, very unique and touching.</p>
<p>I deleted my post because I changed my mind about how I wanted to word what I was saying, I apologize if anyone was already replying to it.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s petulant. I think if you are in a group where this is a normal and interesting thing to do, I don’t think it’s weird that you do it. It would be weird in my social circle, though, because it just isn’t done. It would be unusual for anyone to care about meeting their friend of a friend’s fiance, or relation of a friend. Maybe my set is self-centered but it’s just not something we would ever do. I think petulance implies that there is some bitterness about not being invited to the wedding, which there wouldn’t be-- the phrase “he’s just not that into you” comes to mind. I just don’t care enough about distant connections to celebrate their wedding at all, if they are distant they are distant for a reason. I might think it’s perfectly lovely that they are getting married and be very happy for them, but I don’t need to meet them just because we have a friend in common. My mom is inviting some of her friends that know me to our wedding and I am sure they are perfectly delighted I am getting married, but if we hadn’t invited them I am sure they would have thought nothing of it and thought an extraneous party was strange and an attempt to get gifts-- because in my set, this is just strange. I don’t think it’s weird at all if it’s what you’re used to and it’s what people you socialize with do. It sounds nice. I just couldn’t pull that off here.</p>
<p>An exception I can think of is when my cousin got married she had a destination wedding and only had parents, siblings, and grandparents present. I think it would have made sense to have a party when she got home to introduce her fiance, since we were all curious and obviously they had a lot to do with us being family. But, she didn’t. We met him at Christmas instead and it was no big deal.</p>
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<p>I didn’t feel like that at all at the three gatherings I attended. In all three instances, our family and the groom’s family had been close and had participated in lots of family outings together. In all instances I knew the groom since he was a child and his parents were good friends of ours–we’d vacationed together. In two instances the weddings were very small–one was just immediate family and the wedding party. It was held at a resort and the bride and groom paid for everything themselves (rooms for all the guests/food–they were limited by the lodging available at the resort). I think it was something like 30 people that went to that wedding.</p>
<p>At the other wedding, the bride’s mother was one of 10 siblings and the custom in that family was to invite all of the siblings and their children to a wedding. That was most of the wedding guests. Thus, the groom’s family got to invite 30 people. The bride’s family footed the bill for it all–my friend offered to pay for more guests but there just wasn’t enough room. My H and I were invited to that wedding–but the party that my friend had to meet the new bride included quite a few people who weren’t invited. For example, my friend had just been in contact with the nanny who took care of her kids for 10 years. Friend invited the ex-nanny to the party–it was great and the nanny seemed to have a wonderful time.</p>
<p>I could go on–but it seems to me that each family’s situation is different. I didn’t take offense at all that I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I understood the circumstances and it wasn’t a big deal. I enjoyed meeting the new bride or the bride to be.</p>
<p>Ema, you’ve completely missed out on the generational thing we are talking about. We are talking about people <em>our</em> age who might be delighted to meet their friends’ children’s fiance(e)s even if we aren’t “wedding worthy.” This isn’t about friend-of-a-friend.</p>
<p>That is why I also said “relation of a friend.” My mom’s friends would be completely taken aback at being invited to an event like this, it’s just not done in our social circle and would be completely bizarre.</p>
<p>I think it sounds like a nice thing to do if everybody is on board and it sounds like it’s normal for a lot of people to do it. We just never would! I couldn’t get people to come to a party like this if I’d wanted to throw one.</p>
<p>". I still believe in most cases that it’s tacky to invite people to “meet the couple” if they’re not close enough to be invited to the wedding. Why would I care to “meet the couple” in a formal setting if I don’t know them (or won’t meet them) in an informal one?"</p>
<p>The only way I can interpret this, Chedva, is that if you were invited to your friend’s house for Thanksgiving/a Super Bowl party/a barbecue/whatever and your friend’s adult child’s fiance was there from out of town, you’d say hi and greet him, but if your friend explicitly said the purpose of the party was so that you could meet him, you’d turn it down because after all, you don’t know him. That’s the only way I can interpret this.</p>
<p>I have been reading and considering. Basically, I understand the aversion to an engagement party with a guest list larger than the wedding invite list. I don’t think I’d do that. At least I wouldn’t call it an “engagement” party. This is what I’d do: “The kids are getting married. We are so excited. They insist on planning and hosting the wedding all on their own. We are so proud of them taking charge of it all. However, it will be a very small wedding, so we are going to have a party when they are in town for all our friends to meet the future groom. We really like him and know you will, too.” I would only invite people I was comfortable calling with the news, so only close friends. These are people that are giving a gift to my children when they marry even if they aren’t invited to the wedding. They don’t have to give a gift, though, because they come to this party. It is not an engagement party. It is never in bad taste to have a party for your friends to meet someone visiting you. imho ymmv</p>
<p>I’m don’t have the time to check out Emily and crew, but was raised to believe any sort of reception, given by the parents, after a very small wedding is always in good taste. I also was raised to believe a gift in such circumstances isn’t mandatory. Though, again, if someone is a good enough friend to be invited to the reception they would probably give a gift even if the reception didn’t happen.</p>
<p>Decades ago I had a very small wedding and received tons of gifts from friends and relatives who weren’t invited. They still loved me and wanted to gift me even though I insisted on having the tiniest wedding imaginable. Some older aunts are still talking about how tiny my wedding was. :eek:</p>
<p>All this is dependent on culture. Where I live now it is acceptable to have engagement parties and wedding showers with invite lists larger then the wedding guest list. It was a surprise to me, but just how things are done in this locale. It is perfectly tasteful here.</p>
<p>^^^PG said it better than I. The meet-the-new dil/sil parties are generally for friends of the couple’s parents. Usually, the invitees are long-time family friends who aren’t rejects or B-listers ,but folks who are truly interested in the new couple and want to meet the new inlaw and who for all kinds of reasons (as per my long explanation above) weren’t invited to the wedding.</p>
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<p>I’m really surprised that someone would be taken aback by an event like this. Is the custom in your group of friends/family to have really large weddings? I’m curious what would be offensive to your mom’s friends. That they weren’t invited?</p>
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PG, the first part is correct. The second part is not that I don’t know him (I’ve been to weddings in which I knew only one half of the bridal couple), but that there’s little reason to fete the couple as if they were the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. I meet the spouses or significant others of people I know all the time in the normal course of a social or professional life. An even specifically for that purpose is, to me, tacky. And if I really do want to meet the new or soon to be spouse, I’ll invite them and the parents to my house!</p>
<p>ETA: Yes, I understand that people have limits on their guest lists for weddings and that’s fine. I rarely take offense at not being invited to the wedding. It’s the “other” party that I think should not be held.</p>
<p>I had something similar to what is being described as an engagement party though I didn’t call it that. </p>
<p>There is a group of people that are on the board and heavily involved in a sports organization that both my dad and I have been involved with for 15-some years. There is a large group of people that have watched me grow from being an 8 year old to a 22 year old and we’ve always been pretty close. We threw an informal dinner around Thanksgiving where we invited all of them to meet my fiance and to celebrate the engagement. I wanted them to be involved but inviting them to my wedding would add at least another 30 people… something I can’t do. </p>
<p>If that’s tacky, then so be it. A good time was had by all :). There were no gifts (though they did pay the bill before I could as a gift- I fully intended on footing the bill).</p>