<p>Mother of the Groom ~ you’re right, you have no say.
You should not ask re the Jewish issue.
You should not say anything re the buffet.
You should express that you would like to invite - between xx and yy amount of people. Stress that this is very important to you. Say, if it makes a difference, you will gladly pay meal/drinks cost for your guests. Do this soon. They may be choosing a venue and need to know this for occupancy limits- they will not be happy if they feel like there is pressure to knock-off some of their guests from their list. Make sure none of the guests on your list are known trouble-makers</p>
<p>The less you say, the better the chance you will get the “ok” on whatever one issue is most important to you.</p>
<p>IME Bridezilla does not discriminate. I’ve seen this in every setting. I’ve seen very family oriented celebrations planned exclusively by the B&G, it reflected their wishes. I’ve seen traditional family weddings were Bridezilla is at her worst. Planned by, and reflective of, the couple does not always equate to self centered decisions, me-me-me, any more then a traditional family wedding ensures inclusion and unity. They both can be either wonderful or chaos.</p>
<p>I wish more people would fight photographers on ownership of copyright. By owning the copyright, the photographer can put pictures of your family on his or her website and sell the photos to the newspapers, etc. (assuming there is some interest). All of this can be done without your permission even though you may have paid thousands of dollars to the photographer. </p>
<p>The best approach is to get ownership of the copyright as part of the contract under the “work for hire” concept of copyright ownership. If you can’t get this, at least restrict the photographer from posting your pictures on the internet or using them to market his or her services or selling them to someone else. It is not appropriate to pay a fortune to a photographer and then the photographer can make an additional profit off of your pictures.</p>
<p>This is certainly a topic with a variety of opinions. In many ways, planning a wedding is a continuation of the relationship one has had with family long before the wedding. One reason I mentioned the importance of communication is because each family has its own style. My husband’s family was not very communicative, and rather than talk about the wedding, MIL let things happen- didn’t say a word to me- until she got wind of plans she didn’t like- and then she had plenty to say. My mother, on the other hand, had a say about everything, down to the last detail. So we brought two different communication styles into our marriage. Planning the wedding during the engagement was also practice for future discussions. </p>
<p>Now a call for some forgiveness. In some cases, there are families with abuse, addiction, criminal behavior- and other reasons where it is necessary to completely cut ties. However, I would bet there is some craziness in every family, and a wedding combines it. My MIL is not perfect, and neither have I been all the time. She is a good mother and grandmother, and a good person. It’s a relationship that evolved over time. It’s a good one and I am grateful for it.</p>
<p>My hope, is not only that my kids marry good people, but that they will also forgive me if I say or do something that isn’t what they like. I think the OP is being very considerate, but I also hope she can talk to the couple without fear of being excluded if she makes a mistake.</p>
<p>Perhaps it is just my style with my kids, but when I want to make sure they’ve got something covered- whether it is packing for a trip, being exposed to drinking after prom, etc., I say, very openly “Ok, I have to go into Mom mode for a little bit so bear with me here”. Then I express my concerns or ask my questions. It’s just my method of lightheartedly saying “I know it is a pain in the neck to have to go through this, but it’s my obligation as a mom to ask about this” </p>
<p>In this case, I would approach it that and then ask what they’ve decided about the ceremony? civil ceremony? religious? If religious, then which one? </p>
<p>I’d definitely let the buffet thing go. That’s their thing.</p>
<p>I would ask “There are XX people I’d really like to invite. Is that possible?” and would also offer to pay for those plates if budget is the issue. At the very least, I’d ask to see the guest list that they’ve already made. Wanting to know who will be invited is not unreasonable.</p>
<p>I don’t think I would involve myself in the religious aspect, although I know that is going to be tough for them to resolve. But I have absolutely no doubt that I will send pictures of dresses, shoes, hairstyles, flowers.</p>
<p>I pushed for a photographer that gave us a DVD with rights, and didn’t realize until months after I signed the contract that he doesn’t actually retouch the photos unless we are using them for prints-- he said he takes over a thousand pictures and couldn’t possibly go through each and every one. The retouching was important to me and I wouldn’t consider a photographer that didn’t include retouching in the package. So, other than them not being able to post pictures without my consent (which I don’t care about), the DVD and rights are virtually worthless to me… I am not going to want to take a bunch of unedited photos to walgreens to get more prints made, not for what I am paying for these photos. I probably won’t do anything at all with the photos that dont make the cut into the album.</p>
<p>It was a disappointment because the album I am purchasing through the photographer is going to cost me $600, these are very high end, and my mom wanted to take the DVD and order “parent albums” from snapfish or something for much cheaper instead of buying those from the photographer as well. But unless I get the prints from him and make the album myself scrapbook style, the pictures won’t be edited. I am crossing my fingers and toes that I will look so lovely that day no editing will be necessary, or else we will just have to pick from the same photos that went into our album so they will have been edited.</p>
<p>Just extra food for thought regarding photographers. I thought I had thought of everything. I gather from the different package options I came across that not everybody cares about editing as much as I do.</p>
This reminds me of a video (on TV) about Joshua Bell, the violinist. In the video, he talked about when his mother finally lets him pack before his trip – it was quite late when he was almost 30 yo. His father is a psychologist who also teaches at Indiana University. He somehow said that their family needs to deal with Joshua’s case and it is very “damaging” to many members in their family (due to his talent?)</p>
<p>It is very funny that while their family and friends were having a BBQ in their backyard, his mother said to him (who looks like being in his late 20s): “Eat this vegetable. It is good for you.”</p>
<p>Blueiggy,
Apologies if I was unclear re: bridezilla. Someone commented earlier that this was all about the bride and groom, and then IIRC someone said the bride may see it has her day. My thoughts are that its also about a joining of the families and celebrating the wedding of the bride and groom. This marks the beginning of hopefully long relationships and its perhaps a good idea to take some of the feelings of family members, where appropriate and where possible, into consideration. When DH and I married almost 30 years go, his father was more religious and identified several holidays of which I wa not famiiar that would interfere with when we could get married. He looked at the calendar and said “not here, not here, not here… HERE” and basically selected our wedding day. It worked out. But yes, my late FIL selected our wedding date.</p>
<p>jym - We are all indeed products of our own experiences. In rereading my post seems argumentative and that’s not what I intended. For someone who communicates by internet a lot (text, email, etc) I am frustrated by it’s limitations. I use facial expressions, tone of voice, body language both to understand people and to ‘speak’. So much is lost without it. I believe I would have understood the OP originally when she spoke of her FDIL ‘stumbling’ with the prayers. Her face and voice would have been soft and appreciative as she spoke of these things. It’s completely lost online and leads to miscommunication. I’m not trying to excuse myself, I apologized and I believe she knew I was sincere. I’m just expressing frustration with the inherent flaw I feel leads to many crossed signals.
Anyway, please no need to apologize. I probably misread you.</p>
<p>I think most issues have been covered, so I won’t parse much, except to say re: parent friends. We had a hard cap in the venue (and our pockets) so family lists were very limited. SIL’s father has a much bigger family than his mother, or us (they’re married but in a -separate-in-spirit kind of way). So the SIL side had more family than us. SILmom wanted to include more of her friends, because she didn’t consider SILdad side as her family. Didn’t matter–parent friends were wholesale out, or D and SIL wouldn’t have room for their own friends. D basically said–I’m not cutting people I know and love for people I don’t or barely know. I had no problem with that.</p>
<p>On the bigger question of CC wedding threads–I gotta say, that the crowd here collectively got me through ours. I had no questions about D and SIL issues–I just wanted to know how the heck to put a wedding together. CC were heroes in helping me do so.</p>
<p>All questions of who, what, where, started with what D and SIL wanted, and what I could make happen. I trusted them to know what was important, and they never disappointed me.</p>
<p>That’s a shame. I’ve been married for 25 years now, and I’ve always encouraged my DH to nourish his relationship with his Mom apart from me. He takes her to lunch at least every few weeks and a private dinner here and there. I know that makes her very happy, and I don’t see that as any sign of disrespect of me. I never wanted her to feel that she had “lost” her son to another woman. He will always be her son, and she will always be the first love of his life. What’s not to love about that?</p>
<p>"I think it might be awkward to offer to pay for your guests to be included…especially if the other family is not in a position to do so. "</p>
<p>I agree. Especially if there is a big socioeconomic discrepancy. It could make the “poor side” feel shamed. Which is why I go back to the idea of a party, reception, whatever in your own home and in your own style, versus pressuring the couple, the other parents, or insisting that your friends schlep halfway across the country for cake and punch.</p>
<p>The comment about inviting prop,e to an engagement party but not to a wedding made me think – how many people would you, all, travel long distances for their weddings? Honestly, aside from my nieces/nephew for which I’d go anywhere, I can think of precious few of my friends’ kids that I’d schlep across the country for. No offense to them, of course - but mi not made of money.</p>
<p>Am with you there… I now read these threads with open eyes!</p>
<p>Funny story… H and I have been reallocating funds, and have been working with a financial planner in the last few weeks. We told him the only major expenses we have coming up are dependent on having two daughters of marrying age; but we had NO idea whatsoever what people were paying for weddings these days. Nada. So we didn’t know how much to set aside so we’d have something available if we should find ourselves in the situation of needing it, without incurring any penalties. So where do you go when you need answers, like how much does an average wedding cost??? Google is your friend. Before we googled it, H and I made a bet with each other as to who would be closest to the answer. We found a couple of websites that will give you an answer, based on the county you live in and made our guesses. I said $25,000 and H said $63,000!!! I have no idea where he pulled this number from. “How odd,” I thought. Anyway, the average in our county is around $26,000, so obviously I was closest, but I have no idea why I came up with the number I did… it was just a guess. I really have no idea what things cost. I know that there are a lot of very lovely weddings, probably done for under $5,000, and a lot of big weddings with lots of heartache, due to bridezillas for several hundreds of thousands of dollars… and EVERYTHING in between. Both of my Ds have indicated they will not have a big wedding, but will want it to be nice. I think there are lots of ways to make a wedding nice without breaking the bank, but I think for us, it will start with a mantra that says, “It is not about me.” </p>
<p>I appreciate all the posts on here that have affirmed my mantra!</p>
<p>I don’t think I would travel for any wedding that wasn’t the very immediate family… and if that wedding was a destination wedding I don’t even think I would go to that. I’m a big meanie! But apparently it’s not just me, because nobody we are inviting from out of state is actually going to come to our wedding. I had some people tell me outright not to bother inviting them.</p>
<p>If I were invited to an “engagement party” having not been invited to the wedding, even if I had no intention to go to the wedding anyway, I am not sure I would go-- but I am not sure that’s done around here, I have not ever heard of anybody doing that other than people in faraway locales I’ve met on the internet. I think if anyone I knew did that, it would be an attempt to get gifts-- that is what it would feel like. But, oddly, somehow I feel differently about a “reception” after the wedding, and have no problem with getting a “wedding announcement” in the mail after the fact, and I readily admit there is no logical basis for being okay with one and not the other. But I probably wouldn’t attend the engagement party.</p>
<p>I can understand wanting to celebrate this occasion with family and friends. I hosted a shower for an out of town friend because she wanted to include guests who could not travel. She came to celebrate here with them, even though she had other showers at her location. It was not about gifts but a consideration for those who could not travel.
Perhaps a compromise would be that the OP could host a second reception in honor of the bride and groom sometime after the wedding, and specify “no gifts please” on the invitation. This would give people a chance to see him, meet his new wife and also a chance to get together.
This is your future DIL. I think it is fair to ask about her ideas about the wedding. It isn’t fair to meddle, complain, or insist, but it may open some dialogue for mutual understanding. I can’t imagine that she doesn’t care what her future husband’s family thinks. Maybe some open ended questions would open a door for discussion. She may not be aware of some of the traditions that might be incorporated into the ceremony or reception, and she may feel strongly about having, or not having, some of her own.</p>