Mother of the groom needs advice

Parent Cafe
101

<p>I don’t know why people are saying things like “I think it is ok to do this, but it is not ok to this.” Just because you wouldn’t want your parents to have any opinion about your wedding, it doesn’t mean other people feel the same. I know my kids would be very hurt if I should decide to be hands off and just give them a check. </p>

<p>I promised D2 that I would get her a leather coat for xmas, but suggested to get it after xmas when there is a sale. I originally told her to get the coat by herself and put it on my card. She insisted on me going with her to pick it out together. To her a gift is more than just writing the check, it is the time spent in picking it out.</p>

<p>Every family is different and every parent/child relationship is different. I personally think people should be less judgmental about what others do.</p>

102

<p>Yes, I think it’s great to talk to the couple. It could be now or at a next visit. You’d be wise to get his permission first to talk 3-way, would be my suggestion, on the topic of ceremony. It’s sensitive.</p>

<p>Here’s how i handle broaching sensitive topics with my married son (6 years coupled, 3 years married). I always begin by asking him which combination and sequence will work best for them. So sometimes I hear: “just tell me and I’ll talk it over with her.” Other times, “that’s an easy one. Next time we’re together, just ask away.” Other times, “Forget about it Mom, it’s a non-starter.” </p>

<p>I follow his lead, because he’s managing his marriage. </p>

<p>BUT, I still have a relationship with him! It’s different than when he was single, but still essential to continue (in a new shape and form, respecting and celebrating that she is now primary and I’m secondary).</p>

<p>I understand you don’t want to resemble your own MIL, but I can’t see what’s so offensive about (ever) asking him a private question in your home, either.</p>

<p>Do you imagine her mom will never ask her own engaged daughter a private question, just because your son is visiting their home? Not very likely.</p>

<p>You’ll also find some private rabbinic counsel to you (alone) will surprise you about the options and issues available for this couple. Clergy can better advise you on how interfaith ceremonies look today - and the variable of the BIL minister - than you can imagine. They deal with these questions constantly now, and their answers are very different than 30 years ago. Find out what’s possible (you’ll be surprised, I think), including among different branches of Judaism.</p>

<p>Good luck. It’s challenging but exciting. I hope you like your DIL as much as I like mine :)</p>

103

<p>Oldfort, when I got married 28 year ago, my mother couldn’t be bothered to have an opinion. She didnt want to see the venue, offer any suggestions or share in the experience. It still hurts all these years later. I think there is a vast gulf between sharing and dictating. My D1 jokes that when we go for food tasting she will pick bizarre things to gross me out because if it is her wedding I will have to taste everything. She has made it clear that she expects me to share in the planning, and I am not the type to overstep.</p>

104

<p>Pizzagirl: I’m not planning to push an agenda. I realize how destructive that can be and am sorry that your mother had to experience that. S and FDIL have already shown a willingness to celebrate Jewish holidays, so that’s not an issue. I would assume that they would continue to do that after they’re married as well, but there’s certainly no expectation or demand that they be here for every Passover, for example. I don’t know what they plan to do with their children, but, please, let’s get through the wedding first.</p>

105

<p>

I actually think that when the time comes (it will be in the distant future. LOL), I may just write DS a check.</p>

<p>But I am envious of the situation you are in: Your D welcomes you to get so involved.</p>

<p>I am reading this thread with an interest.</p>

106

<p>p3t: I do like her, which makes all of this alot easier.</p>

<p>My MIL would take DH aside to talk to him privately everytime we saw them, either in our home or theirs. It was so obvious that my own mother noticed it the few times we were all together. Maybe I’m just ultrasensitive to how ILs feel about those private conversations.</p>

107

<p>I really hope that when my kids marry i am still able to have private relationships with them. Not with their couples, but with the people I bore, raised and love more than my life. I have a SIL who strongly believes that there should be no relationship with either spouse that doesn’t or couldn’t include the other. Which means that in 32 years my mother and my siblings have never had a private conversation or experience with my brother. This Christmas season, I got to know my daughter’s boyfriend better than before because we gleefully conspired with regard to her presents. It was fun and enlightening and I would like to have a relationship with him apart from my D also. I know my D is very close to his sister and he is very close to my D2. I think that is ideal.</p>

108

<p>There is a difference between mother and child willingly having an open relationship about finances, kids, etc, and mother thinking she is entitled to have a role in those things just because she’s mom. That is all I meant to say-- about entitlement. I don’t think my mom has a RIGHT just because she birthed me to know the intricate details of my finances and sit in on the discussion with my spouse about what religion we will raise our kids in. I don’t think we are really disagreeing as much as we think we are, I think it is just differences in wording. </p>

<p>The post that I was replying to, in my interpretation at the time, was suggesting that if the son isn’t okay with discussing these things with his mother than he won’t be open to discussing these things with his spouse-- which I disagree with. That poster came back and said I misinterpreted, which is fine.</p>

<p>My fiance has his own special relationships with my parents, as do I with his mother. That’s fantastic and I love it. All I meant is that I don’t think either of our mothers are entitled to a vote on such personal things as our finances or our religion.</p>

109

<p>One can also consider the meaning of a wedding to two people. Do they want to have a party, a legal contract, or a sacrament? It is just them, or a joining of their families? </p>

<p>Whatever it is, it is serious business. It involves them legally, financially, emotionally, and if children come along, involves them too. Once children are in the picture, the spouses are connected for a lifetime, even if they divorce.</p>

<p>Many people would not consider making a large financial investment without advice if they were inexperienced. Parents, who have been married, may actually have some good advice on this topic. In addition, we have managed our own relationships with parents and in laws, so some of us know how to walk that line between inclusion and intrusion.</p>

<p>But as I said before, the couple is not obligated to include me or ask me for my advice. That is up to them. I would hope to be part of their lives, but that’s different from entitlement.</p>

110

<p>"You’ll also find some private rabbinic counsel to you (alone) will surprise you about the options and issues available for this couple. Clergy can better advise you on how interfaith ceremonies look today - and the variable of the BIL minister - than you can imagine. They deal with these questions constantly now, and their answers are very different than 30 years ago. "</p>

<p>P3T, this is what I’m reacting strongly to. It is <em>for the couple</em> to decide if and how they wish to engage clergy in discussing interfaith marriage options. Perhaps I’m reading in too much due to my own family history but it feels like too much pressure for a parent to “helpfully suggest” this or that when it cones to interfaith marriage. It feels to me too much like pushing an agenda AT someone. Again keep in mind I’ve got tons of personal baggage on this issue!</p>

111

<p>Shell fell - It wasn’t your posts that felt like agenda-pushing to me.</p>

112

<p>PG - I think I understand us here. The clergy counsel helps the parent because the starting point here is loss. Setting aside that the person coming into the family is wonderful, the feeling of loss and uncertainty for parents is real. </p>

<p>Some parents and couples think they know all the ceremony possibilities, based on the weddings they’ve seen recently – but there are more. For example, some rabbis (perhaps not their own) will perform interfaith marriages but under certain conditions (study time, or no co-officiating with other clergy, or ok to co-officiating). Others recommend a civil ceremony this year to allow the spouse to become slowly acquainted with Judaism and decide for herself at a later date. It’s all over the map today. I thought the Mom had more time and inclination to research this than the couple, and filter it to them. But it’s the filtering that’s the hang-up, so I see the flaw in my thinking now also.</p>

<p>I would have suggested she send the couple to (both) clergy to size things up for themselves, but the son has expressed that he’s very, very busy this season. </p>

<p>So I thought – rightly or wrongly, it’s just a thought – that if the Mom heard about several ways to create ceremonies she might filter that to the COUPLE as options, for THEM to mull over.</p>

<p>Clear as mud, I know.</p>

113

<p>Please understand there are two basic schools of thought on this. Neither is right or wrong, simply different. One is that a wedding reflects the bride and groom only, it’s their day. The second is a wedding is the union of two people who have tradition, heritage, family and these are considered and celebrated. The first doesn’t necessarily ignore tradition, heritage, or family, simply the bride and groom decide. One is not better they are just different.</p>

114

<p>Wow there sure are some strong opinions, some expressed rather harshly, here. I am of the opinion that while the wedding is a special day of the bride and groom, it is a celebration and a bringing together of families. As has been discussed in other threads, the bride who thinks that is is only and all about her may be a bridezilla. Yuk. </p>

<p>I also don’t get why its wrong to host an engagement party in one’s home town (especially if far from where the event will occur) for the happy couple. If someone feels its “gift grubbing” (I dont see it that way) they can politely decline the invitation.</p>

115

<p>Here is a thought. This couple is getting married a distance from either family. If (not sure if this is true) the BIL is a minister, he will likely be included in the wedding regardless of location. However, where is the rabbi going to come from? Does anyone expect the home town rabbi will travel the distance to get to this wedding out of town? Is there an expectation that a rabbi from a congregation that the couple has NO relationship with will be ready to jump right in? </p>

<p>At this point, this wedding is 18 months away. The ceremony WILL get planned, and since the couple is already sharing ideas at this early stage, my big bet is they will continue to share them as the plans unfold. And my bet is their ceremony will be lovely…regardless of the religious bend.</p>

<p>A sure fire way to get them to stop sharing is to try to interject the parent opinion into this. I don’t think shellfell plans to do this. She has made that clear (at least that is how i am reading this). I would strongly suggest listening, as opposed to initiating the discussions.</p>

116

<p>S1 is engaged and they are doing the both family sides and their friends list. Marriages and remarriages all around…total limited by church capacity…300. I suppose I should be happy it wasn’t a bigger church? :slight_smile: S clearly would prefer a much smaller crowd.</p>

<p>Shellfell–I think you have legitimate concerns and cc is a great place to vent/get ideas/share those concerns. Since I’m in the middle of this process, I read these threads with great interest. I have thin internet skin though, so am too chicken to start my own wedding thread.</p>

<p>Both S1 (esp him) and she wanted this in my backyard. It probably would’ve turned out beautiful, but oh the work beforehand! Just to let you know the other side isn’t greener, I kind of have your problem in opposite. Her mother is not involved in her life and therefore I’m very involved in wedding planning and prep. I am so grateful, but it has its own concerns. I’m not “up” on current wedding stuff and I want the decisions to be theirs.</p>

<p>Good luck as they progress forward toward the big day!</p>

117

<p>My FMIL got very snippy with me today at a Christmas party because her son doesn’t have his half of the wedding list together yet. Our wedding is a year and a half away. </p>

<p>This is why I’m so leary of parents even asking simple questions. She probably didn’t mean to come off as snippy but she did and I’m not the person she should’ve been asking anyway. </p>

<p>This is my personal bias. </p>

<p>I hope you can be involved but I just think it’s too early to start asking specific questions. Jmo</p>

118

<p>Too late to edit, I guess.</p>

<p>ETA…I celebrated Christian holidays with my husband’s family prior to our marriage. This in no way meant that we wanted elements of a Christian ceremony when we got married. DH celebrated Jewish holidays with us. Again, this was NOT an indication that he wanted elements of a Jewish ceremony in our wedding. We simply respect these family holiday traditions.</p>

119

<p>Even though we adore our older s’s gf and her family, there will no doubt be things to work through if/when they get engaged. Have only met younger s’s gf’s parents very briefly once, so dont have any relationship with them at this point. Should things progress, we’ll cross that bridge later.</p>

120

<p>I don’t think it’s my place to know my to-be-married kids financial plans or religious expectations. I do think it’s fine for someone to remind them that these are issues that are ideally discussed before you tie the knot rather than afterwards. I’m imagining that many questions just grow organically out of conversations you are already having. I don’t see the need to talk to the son without the FDIL. I don’t see how asking if they’ve got an idea of how they are handling the ceremony yet as such a terrible question it has to be done in private. I agree with Thumper that celebrating holidays with the spouse’s family doesn’t say much about how you intend to do it at your own house. I think Romani may have a point that as it’s going to be a long engagement it may be too early to ask too many questions even though you are dying to know the answers. But I’m inclined to think if you phrase the questions right they shouldn’t take offense.</p>