Exactly, it’s a holiday based on obligatory roles.
I hate it in many ways.
What I wanted most in this world was to become a mother (after having finished school and found my DH), but these appointed holidays often feel so very forced.
DH knows that if he ever buys me flowers on Valentine’s Day or M’s day, I will be irritated. Buy flowers when it strikes you, not when the calendar holidays tell you it’s expected. Or better yet, pick some pretty ones or a single bloom from our yard and say something silly and sweet to me.
Remember in the Olden Days when it was almost impossible to make a long distance call on Mother’s/Father’s Day as the lines were busy all day? We’d always have to schedule the Father’s day call as my father worked for a company and you could use the Watts line for free on the weekends, so we called my grandfather on Sunday nights, but on Father’s day there was a waiting list, and then sometimes the lines were busy for hours. We couldn’t go too far from the phone as you’d put in for the call and then they’d call you when it was your turn. We’d be playing out in the street and get called in to talk usually during Walt Disney or Lassie.
We also never went out to eat on Mother’s day or Father’s day as it was too crowded. Thus the ‘Burned hotdog’ father’s day where my grandfather almost died after eating the burned hot dog (couldn’t waste it!).
I sent my mom a card, I didn’t buy one for my husband’s mom.
I also didn’t receive any.
Flowers, I am allergic to many cut flowers. My mom sent me a beautiful bouquet this year. Win, win that it didn’t make me sneeze! My husband never buys me flowers because of this. Gets him out of that!
I’m not super fond of Mother’s Day either. I was sick on my birthday 2 weeks ago, told the kids not to call. They got out of that, I certainly hope my son didn’t see me as an obligation. He doesn’t like to talk on the phone. Good thing I love him!
I know, but I’ve been doing it for 40 years. It’s one of those things couples do for each other. He is a kind man, still works 60 plus hours a week. I don’t. We do a lot for each other and it’s appreciated. I do it for him, not her.
Why draw a line in the sand now? It will end eventually, sooner than later.
As far as the holiday itself, I’m almost at the point where I want to tell them don’t worry about presents. Maybe it’s generalizing, but I think it’s truly more of an obligatory feeling for the guys, especially after they become fathers themselves. Then, the focus is on their wives.
I actually like those holidays. We (our kids included) are usually very busy with our day to day chores. It is good to have a day to remind us to show our appreciation to our parents and to reflect on what they have done for us. We don’t need to show our appreciation just on the father or mother’s day, but at least there is one day a year that we can drop what we are doing and make it special for our parents. My mom is 88 now. I have celebrated almost every mother’s day with her.
I’m the only mom left in the family and only 1 of my 3 boys lives here. I recvd a nice text and Facebook message from my oldest in Colorado. My middle son in California sent flowers, which I know do appreciate but just cringe at the thought of $$$ spent and how little life they will have. I have cats and they can only stay high on the fireplace mantle as the lillies will kill them. We also had a nice family phone call Sunday evening. My youngest took me, his dad and his grandfather and his wife to brunch at a lovely country club. So much money these places make of these kids…I honestly would rather they grill out and set the table on the deck and we eat out there (well not MD, it was raining!). My youngest also gave me a really cute college door hanger for game days (his college!) and a vinyl jazz record by Sonny Rollins - we listened to that last night in the theatre room- it was fantastic. My husband gave me a portable heated throw that plugs via USB in the car so I can stay warm in the back seat when returning late night from ball games (he keeps the cool air going to stay awake but freezes me to death!). It was a nice day and I’m sure all the vendors appreciated the money they get from my male family members.
Do obligations come from expectations? Just a thought.
Sometime when it’s just an ordinary day, and you’re having an ordinary meal with your family talk about the holidays and what you like or loathe.
Sometimes I think our families don’t know what we’d like or not like so THAT makes things awkward . You can tell them you expect a gift and prefer jewelry or you can say “PLEASE, no gifts or flowers - just reach out and share a pic or memory and I’ll melt on the spot”
My kids know I don’t receive gifts well and really don’t like attention in a “party” way. Something we love to send each other is just a little video of photos w/music that your iPhone can automatically make for you. Makes me every time!!!
We love those videos! Sometimes they are hysterical. H had one where it entitled it “pets,” but every single picture was of our spunky cat - but not the one he takes 10 pictures of daily, nor any of the other two. Why did it find the odd random ones of her? Or the ones where the pictures are all sweet sappy memories and then it’ll throw in the random screenshot of a news article.
lol. My husband loves to gift me those phone-generated pet videos with stock soundtracks and random titles like “Fluffy Friends.” I usually don’t keep them but one was hysterical where AI appended a meme of Putin compared side by side with some hairless dog. Definitely not fluffy, and definitely not friends!
That’stotallyfine. I can see why you’d think that. I guess I was just making the point, nit very well, how it’s so obligatory that her own son doesn’t lift a finger.
We ended up meeting both kids for a quick weekend trip. D was at a conference, we drove down and S flew in for the weekend. Best gift was spending the weekend together, taking a hike, enjoying dinner and conversation together. Will take that over any material gift!
My grandparents lived for Mother’s Day/Father’s Day. Sat by the phone, kept all the cards and homemade cards and the tacky gifts. One year I got my grandfather a tie clip that had our 8 birthstones in. He insisted on being buried with it (and that was the best ending for the tie clip). One year when he was living with us he sat by the phone all day waiting for my uncle and his kids to call and they didn’t. Finally my mother went upstairs and called my uncle and told him to call his father (Grampy needed to hear the phone ring to know my uncle had remembered to call). Oh, my uncle had been to the Red Sox game with his daughter because, well, it was father’s day!
So I agree, know the person and what they want. I loved the junk from daycare and that my kids liked the day so much.
Since a couple of people have already brought this kind of thing up…
I would prefer my son be the one to take action for Mother’s Day, but I know in their division of responsibilities she does all of the present buying (they do talk about it). I have debated mentioning my preference to my son, but figure it would do more harm than good, and I have a great relationship with both of them, so I’ve chosen to keep my mouth shut and be happy.
I remember when MIL lived in state and we would see her for any occasion.. She’d open the gift and say pointedly to me, in front of DH…thank you Conmama. Then laugh. It irritated DH beyond belief, but she was trying to make a point. It ne er worked and he never did the buying…just caused annoyance . It’s good you just let it go.
My s’s have stopped sending gifts. Now its a card (signed by them and the grandkids- younger s enclosed polaroids of the 3 yo signing and them trying to get the 2 mo old to hold a pen, lol) and a call, which often we have to initiate b/c of the time difference . SHould they step it up? Probably. But it could be a lot worse.
Not really, no. They have their own “mothers” living in their house taking care of their children. When my two youngest get married and start a family (wishful thinking) I would not expect them to anything really except a card and phone call, and that would be plenty for me. Even now, they have their own lives and I hate the amount of money that is guilted out of these kids by holidays.
I only have 2 cousins, so we did exchange Christmas gifts with them. But my mother was always busy and like to knit sweaters and stuff, and often wouldn’t get them done until March. My cousins loved Christmas in March.
So just move Mother’s Day to whenever you like. Would you like your child to send you flowers in August or October? I would.
I send the DILs cards and gifts (this year was choc covered strawberries). Younger s used to send edible arrangements. That was BC (before children). I get it— they take care of their childrens’ mothers. But….
or you can say “PLEASE, no gifts or flowers - just reach out and share a pic or memory and I’ll melt on the spot” 
every time!!!