It is interesting, if not commonplace, it is certainly not uncommon to see how many encounter some variation of this. I wonder what is different about life for our older children these days that causes the anxiety, depression, ADD/ADHD and executive functioning dysfunction they struggle with?
I don’t think that anxiety and depression necessarily are more common; I do think they’re more recognized. That said, contemporary life has a lot of stressors.
I know you’re a regular contributor on CC and we sometimes end up sharing more anonymously with strangers than we do with people we know. In doing so we’ve created relationships where, though we really don’t know the parents or kids, you begin to care about them. Like others I wish you the best and truly want to know what you find out. Taking it a day at a time while you search for a solution is about all you can do as well as to begin gathering options which you have also done. I’m not a therapist or a Psychiatrist but I am a parent and understand the angst a parent can have when their child needs help beyond what you can provide. You’re in our thoughts.
Bee, we have seen the whole range of mental illness in our three kids. Oldest, 23, has schizophrenia and will probably never hold a professional job after excelling in sports and academics in high school. Second child, 21, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 5 years ago, but is doing remarkably well and off meds.
Our youngest, 17, will also be graduating from high school this year. It turns out that her brothers’ struggles REALLY affected her. She is naturally a bright, sunny person, and she managed to keep that mask on even while having panic attacks that we didn’t know about! It was a family friend who suggested she might need to see a therapist. She has been diagnosed with anxiety disorder.
The main thing I have learned through all of this: DON’T MINIMIZE the impact of a diagnosis. If you find yourself having even the slightest doubt about sending your daughter off to college, listen to your instincts!! We were definitely in denial with our oldest son. We let him stay in college even after we knew he had psychosis. He WANTED to, but we should have brought him home sooner. Of course, his diagnosis is much more severe than anxiety, but we’re finding the same thing with our daughter. When my husband and I went away on vacation last month, she suffered a panic attack so bad that her friend called 911. 
Her counselor feels that it will be OK for her to go away to college, but we will make darned sure we have a lot of supports in place. And if we see her struggling much at all, we will have her take a break.
As @doschicos said, life is not a race! One professional said that with kids this age, “You just want to keep the ball in play…” Kind of blunt, but important to remember. I’m SO GLAD you’re getting help for your daughter! If you ever want to PM me, feel free.
I would highly recommend that you contact your state chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). They run 12-week, FREE classes on mental illness. You learn about diagnoses, meds, problem-solving skills, communication, community resources, etc., etc. The main adjective that everyone uses to discuss these classes is “life saving.”
OP, as a person who experienced some severe struggles in college but received the opposite of support from family at a time when constructively addressing the issues would probably have made a lifelong difference, I feel for you and your D but I congratulate you both on addressing it NOW. This will make a big difference in her life.
PMing you! You are fortunate your daughter feels she can ask you for help. Wonderful that you jumped to it.
My d is a college sophomore and is seeing a counselor on campus for anxiety. I would like to say it has worked wonders but that would be a gross exaggeration. It has kept her functioning, though, and her grades are great despite continued anxiety. She felt it during HS but hid it from us, and we consider ourselves pretty good at spotting behavior.
Two things the counselor recommended have helped with her - 8 hours sleep minimum every night and 6 days/week of exercise, no excuses. Healthy and well-rested should be the normal state for all of us. Sadly, the normal state is to sacrifice that.
Been there with D2. As some have suggested, you have to be on the lookout for what helps and what might just be showing others she feels better than she does. Ime, kids spend most of their lives up to college learning to do and show what others want.
Based on our experience, I feel it’s critical to get help from a counselor who specializes in this age group. Many times, a local college can suggest one of the local counselors they know are effective with the age group. After one bad counselor match (a generalist LICSW, found on our own,) we were lucky to find a psychiatrist who deals exclusively with late hs and college/post college age (we live in a college town.) D2 was put on meds, followed for those, changes made, etc, til the right combo. Still monitored for any changes needed. Made a huge difference. She really loves and trusts this doctor, who also emails with her. It took a few years to get past the worst up and downs, grow into the sort of understanding megpmom refers to in #27. There’s more, she had a college psychologist later, too. I’ll skip that, for now.
Just mom-to-mom, I wonder about this school anxiety/school refusal program. I wonder if her problem is deeper than “school refusal.” So keep an eye out.
And if you don’t have it, consider getting the forms signed where she allows you to discuss her matters with the health pros before that auto right ends at age 18. I do agree a Plan B for local college is good.
Best wishes.
Went through almost the exact same scenario you describe. In my son’s case it was clinical depression. You and your daughter have a long road ahead, college is actually the last thing you need to worry about right now. College isn’t going anywhere. When an adolescent says “I need help” - listen.
P.S. There is hope - my son is now a successful college freshman. It’s just that there are no fast fixes in this type of situation.
I feel for you, both as a mom and as the teenager I was. I would recommend a gap year. Usually you don’t have to go into too much detail as to why, and then it leaves all the options open for different kinds of college experiences later. She could get a part-time job or volunteer and really figure out what is going on, learn some coping skills, maybe try different therapists or even medications without being in a big hurry. It would take a lot of pressure off right now and you wouldn’t worry that freshman year is just being wasted coping with stress and anxiety. I think I would have taken different classes and maybe even chosen a different college if I had dealt with some things first myself.
I’m really impressed with how your family is dealing with this. It sounds like your daughter recognized that she had reached the point where anxiety had crossed the line into a real illness. And it’s wonderful that you respected her decision.
But of course, the timing sucks.
Can your family afford to put down a deposit on college and then lose the money if a gap year turns out to be a better idea? This would buy a few months before a final decision on what to do during the next academic year is necessary.
Another thing to think about: Do any of the colleges that accepted her allow students to take a gap year and then start college one year later than scheduled without needing to reapply? If she decides to take a gap year, she might want to say yes to a college that offers this sort of arrangement. It doesn’t mean she necessarily has to attend that college – she could change her mind. But it would be nice to have such an easy option.
One more thing: As treatment progresses, your daughter may find herself in a position where the professionals suggest the idea of medication. A lot of us have the instinct to avoid this, but it can be very helpful in some situations.
And you wouldn’t think twice if a medical professional indicated medication was necessary to manage, say, diabetes or asthma. So there’s little reason to treat depression / anxiety any differently. If medication is warranted, it’s warranted. Zero shame.
I was initially resistant to meds. Then someone said nearly exactly what PG just did and it clicked. But not just any med, any doc. One experienced in treating teen issues and the pros and cons of the choices and how they need to be monitored. That’s part of what led us to a psychiatrist, who could both counsel and prescribe. (Not uncommon to fine tune, not uncommon at all.)
^ Absolutely true in our experience. It took some time before we found the right psychiatrist.
By the way, “school refusal” sounds like something a 6 year old would have. That is a superficial and idiotic label for a formerly successful high school student who has become too anxious to go the school.
I also agree that it’s important to find a psychiatrist who specializes in young adults. My niece has bipolar disorder that included psychotic episodes. Clearly, she was more impaired than OPs daughter . She went through psychiatrists and medications rapidly with little improvement. She was a gifted musician and artist who often went off her mess because the side effects interfered with her music and art. She finally found a Dr who made it his mission to find the correct medicine with the fewest side effects. My niece continued seeing that psychiatrist for 6 years without going off her meds or re hospitalization .
Please heed the advice to find the right therapist/psychiatrist and someone with whom your D is comfortable. If you find the right one off the bat that’s great! But it isn’t that easy more often than not… Don’t be afraid to try someone new.
Do look for someone who works with adolescents. Often the schools have someone they recommend.
Maybe you love the therapist but don’t get results–change. Maybe they don’t prescribe meds when that would be the best course or maybe your D can’t talk to them about how she feels. Change.
Try meds if they are prescribed. It is NOT a personal failure nor a life sentence of taking meds. They are not a crutch.
Sometimes they are totally necessary to return to good mental health.
Meds are a way of correcting brain chemicals which have been depleted by the body trying to correct for depression/anxiety for a long time. They take time to work over weeks usually. And interestingly sometimes patients will say “I don’t feel better at all” (and hate side effects etc) but the people who know them best (family) will be able to “see their child returning from the dead”. A good reason to keep a journal to keep track of your teen’s mood etc.
Keep posting with your questions and concerns. There is a lot of wisdom and experience on this forum Yes, every case is different but it can still help. And more hugs!
In hindsight, for any of us, this article raises interesting observations: http://raisedgood.com/extraordinary-things-happen-when-we-simplify-childhood/
duplicate posting
She can’t sign these forms until she is 18, and it has to be done with each health care provider (annually, I think). One thing you will want to consider when she goes to college is having her sign a FERPA waiver so you can talk to the school about her academics if she gets into trouble there. Some schools make this super easy (one of my kids got a FERPA waiver form in their orientation packet – it was optional, but presented to them). My other kid’s school required me going to the registrar’s office TWICE (and this school is a couple thousand miles from my home – I wasn’t excited about spending my limited time on campus discussing this) to get the waiver put in place. If you are concerned that your kid could have issues (mental health or otherwise) that might at some point require a withdrawal or your intervention somehow due to the health issues, this is an important step.
“Maybe you love the therapist”
DH and I really liked that first counselor. She was wrong for my girl. What I saw as a no-nonsense approach (something that would work for me,) was too hash for a teen without the skills in self-examination,an inability to see connections and make sense of them. It’s so important to listen to your kid (and in a non-judgmental way.)