I could have written a lot of your post. Gifted D with anxiety, depression and EF problems. We are not sure what is chicken and what is egg. While people do seem to be remarking that HS life is so stressful and pressure filled (and that can be true) that is not always the reason for mental health issues. Sometimes they just arrive, just like diabetes can arrive even if you eat right and exercise. In my D’s case, dialing back her school pressure did nothing to alleviate the health issues.
I am glad you are looking for help. The IO (intensive outpatient) experience can vary depending on the kids she is in with. And I believe it is just a bandaid to start the process of healing. My D had a so-so experience with one, you can PM for more details if you’d like.
I highly recommend DBT or CBT. And patience. I wish helping a mental illness was the same trajectory as treating an infection - it gets better day by day in a predictable pattern. Unfortunately it may not, but it’s important to look at the big picture and see if overall things are improving.
My D is on a gap year, but I do not see her going away to college in the fall. She also has misophonia which makes dorm living next to impossible. My hope is that she will take classes as a commuter somewhere eventually.
DO look for a therapist who has worked with teens with similar issues. I have found that the out of network private pay ones are generally more experienced in these issues. And again, feel free to PM for more details.
Absolutely true in our experience. My son says to this day the meds didn’t do anything, but he went from not being about to leave the house and attend school, thinking he had no future, to applying to college and being successful there so far. It took 18 months and he DID have incredible support from the social worker at the high school. And as others have said, there was not a linear progression. He might get himself to school one day and do okay but not have the energy to get out of bed and take a shower the next.
can’t mention any details, OP, but I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for you, struggling along what seems to me to be a very familiar path. know that not only are you not alone, but your experience is sadly, not rare.
Oh, I am certain the problem is more than just school refusal. The school refusal - it’s actually homework refusal, for the most part, she has shown up up at school consistently, and even does work during study hall - it’s just at home that she refuses to do schoolwork. And it’s gotten to the point where she is starting to miss more school… whereas before she did not, she would always show up, even if things were not completed, ready to turn in.
Even the counselor on Tuesday, and this morning, mentioned that there is more to be addressed…
This current program is to address the IMMEDIATE problem of her breaking down and refusing to go to school anymore, her increasing talk of dropping out of high school - two months before graduating.
First, she needs help digging herself out of the academic hole she’s dug herself into, and getting to a place where she can go back to school asap. That is what this program is immediately about.
They’ll also, from what we’ve been told, discuss the underlying issues - how she came to be where she is… It’s taken her two years to get here, maybe four…
They have stressed starting after-care right away after the program ends - seeing a therapist or psychiatrist once a week indefinitely… to address the underlying depression, anxiety and possibly anything else.
H and I - and D- are all on board with that.
But this current outpatient program - it’s just the beginning of what will likely be ongoing treatment.
First she needs to know that her mental health is far more important to you than when she finishes high school. First she needs adults to listen instead of talking. This is coming from someone who made this mistake.
You might consider asking the high school counselor (in writing as well as verbally - as you’ve entered IDEA 2004 turf), if it might be appropriate for your child to “graduate by IEP” (while still earning thebatandard HS diploma) in order to finish up high school and plan transition (academic, social, emotional, vocational) to post-high school life. This can buy a student some time and take off the unneeded pressure of time.
Therapy is the best possible thing you could do and she’s a smart young lady to ask for it. She has some work to do but I think that she’ll get some relief fairly quickly, just by starting to talk about if.
The other thing which IMO would be extremely helpful would be to plan on a gap year. That will alleviate the looming pressure of college, and I think she needs that.
My D’s junior year was a meltdown, and we got her into therapy and it helped tremendously. She’s now a college graduate and successfully launching into adult life. So there’s hope. This is very hard on a parent though.
Agree. And in case either she or you voice the idea “what will others think” (extended family, the neighbors, etc) it will be your job to live the mantra “screw what the neighbors think,” and mean it.
Lots of good advice here. Agree that this intensive outpatient program will surely look at both the surface problem (school avoidance/academic underperformance) and the underlying causes (anxiety, depression, ADHD/ executive function issues, etc). You are fortunate to have such a program nearby. Hopefully they will have recommendations for therapists to follow her post discharge.
Also agree that a gap year may be ideal, to allow her time to develop the coping skills she’ll need to deal with all the aspects of college (developing new friendships and other social activities, time management, self advocacy, etc. Good luck!
Great points surfcity, but what is DBT and CBT? Some kind of behavioral therapy? One of my kids has some anxiety issues and wondering what works (beyond meds).
Bee, thank you for sharing your story. It has undoubtedly helped more people than you know. I wish I’d read a thread like this one six years ago.
I’ve been where you are now only I stayed in denial too long. My D took a gap year her junior year of HS. She was diagnosed with an endocrine disorder that is associated with depression and anxiety. I focused on the physical issues, mistakenly thinking that once we treated those, the mental health issues would resolve. I wish I had sought intensive therapy (and found a better therapist) for D much sooner. As others have pointed out, it often takes awhile to find the right professionals and meds.
I still have to remind myself to take things one day at a time. When your child is on an upward trajectory, it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing a hurdle has been cleared, and that he/she will return to their original path. That is often not the case. It really is an ongoing process.
You’ve gotten great advice from many posters and it sounds like you’re doing everything you can to help your D. She is fortunate to have such a supportive mom.
Sending good wishes and hugs to you and your D!
For those who might be interested but missed it upstream, a good resource for those college-bound who are also addressing this family of issues: www.transitionyear.org. There’s a parent portal and a student portal on the splash page.
Here is some more about DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), a kind of off shoot of Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which is the gold standard of psychotherapy for anxiety: http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm
And more on CBT and DBT. The hallmark of this type of therapy is it is focused and there is homework. The patient learns to examine his thoughts and emotions and see how they affect each other and how thoughts affect behavior and emotions. It’s not a sit-back-and-tell-me-about-your-childhood kind of talk therapy.
I wish I had been on CC threads 10 years ago and known how many bright/disorganized students are out there. Some parts of the story have overlap, but not the breakdowns and school refusal. (instead DD pretended all was ok for a long time ).
My warning (from experience) - The schoolwork in second semester of senior year often ramps down. It gets really hard to analyze the issues when the academic pressure is not there. Best of luck!
This is very hard on a parent though.