Actually, I don’t think that’s all that common for someone in eighth grade to think they like a school that is a well-known or elite school. She will change her mind and change her focus many times between now and the time she will be doing her college application processes. She sounds like a great kid who is self driven and Self motivated. Encourage and support that.
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All three of my kids were ivy caliber kids and did get in.
They didn’t try to get into college they just did what came naturally for them.
I always volunteered in my community and they just came along and stepped right in.
They were Stanford Legacies and two out of the three didn’t get in.
They loved playing their sport.
Mostly they were just very nice, respectful kids who worked basic summer jobs.
In a large school of 3000+ students the principal and staff knew them all by first name. Whenever staff needed help they called on my three kids.
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Take a breath.
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Give yourself some credit – sounds like your D is kind, respectful, and high achieving. This does not just happen. It is clear you D has had what she needs to thrive. One wise parent once told me “being fair is not giving all your kids the same thing, it is giving each what they need.”
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In fact, IMO you have given yor D a gift by not being an “aggressive” parent. You D is shining without being pushed which is the ideal situation. We are in a competitive HS district and I have seen smart kids burnt out by the time they are teens because their parents are so driven to craft that perfect child/college applicant.
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The guidance counselor at the HS said to not mention the “c” word until very late sophomore/ early junior year. My caveat at this time is to not let your D develop one hyper-competitive dream school – it is a recipe for disappointment. Truth is there are hundreds of amazing colleges that can get your D where she wants to go in life.
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HS should be an experience in an of itself – see where her interests and aptitude take her and support those activities.
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IMO most of the paid summer programs can provide a nice experience if they are an area of interest for the student. They generally do not provide a direct boost for 4 year college admissions.
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Congrats on your S’s success. Wonderful! And as a bonus I expect your D has learned the value of hard work, persistance, kindness, patience etc. from watching him overcome obstacles.
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I don’t think you dropped any ball.
She sounds to me like she’s doing great academically. I vote for letting her enjoy her summer with unscheduled time, unless she herself wants to do something structured.
Being 14/15 don’t roll around too often…
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I also fail to see any dropped balls here. You may feel like you’ve been a little too “checked out” vis-a-vis your daughter, and you can certainly recalibrate your focus, but I can’t really see what your daughter would have done differently up to this point if you’d been more attentive to the options. She’s on a good path and has plenty of time to figure out what she’s looking for in college and in life.
One pitfall that I have seen, for sibs of a higher-maintenance child, is that they can feel obliged to be “the low-maintenance one” and can hide struggles that end up surfacing later. I’m not saying that’s happening with your kid; she may indeed be a serene, well-adjusted high-achiever. But when I read “always does everything right”… that is wonderful, of course, but kids also need to know that making mistakes, and learning from them, is normal, and that you haven’t slotted her as the one who never messes up or makes waves. Few teens make it through high school without some messy feelings, and it’s important that she knows she can share those too. Again, I’m not presuming to analyze her - just thinking of several kids I have know who were “the easy one” but later revealed that they felt like they had to be the easy one.
As for colleges… it’s fine for her to get starry-eyed about some “famous” colleges, but that’s the easy part. Where kids often need some help is in appreciating the opportunities available in programs like the Honors College at their state flagship, or at a well-regarded but less-famous school that would give them a great scholarship. Parents can be a big help in looking beyond that handful of colleges that are everybody’s “dream school.” Nothing wrong with applying to top schools if one is qualified when the time comes, but even the strongest students need less-rejective schools on their list that they could still be happy with. It’s healthier to build positive feelings about those from early on, so that the student doesn’t feel like the world will end if Stanford doesn’t work out.
I’m glad your son is doing so well now, and hope you can enjoy the ride with your daughter!
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So true. The schools my kids were obsessed with in 8th-9th grade (why? I have no idea.) were not even on the list when it came time to apply – not because there was a mismatch between my kids’ qualifications and the schools in question, but because they had a better idea of what they wanted by the time they applied, and those schools didn’t fit with their priorities. This is one of many reasons it’s not really worth it to focus on specific “dream schools” early in high school (or ever).
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I’m going to give somewhat different advice.
First, let your D stretch herself in 9th grade. That means not only taking the most demanding course schedule she thinks she can handle, but also immersing herself in ECs. It can take some time to lean how to balance things. If she can not handle everything, she can scale back. It’s a lot harder to scale up. That’s true in academics–if all honors is too much, she can drop back in one or more subjects. It’s much easier to do that than to convince a school to move you up a level in 10th grade.
But it’s also true in ECs. If she tries to do too much and struggles a little, it’s better to do that in 9th grade. Many parents who wanted to get their children “on track” academically in 9th said that if they got good grades THEN they could get involved in activities. Two problems w/ that approach IMO. First is that those kids may have trouble juggling school and the ECs and wobbling a bit grade wise in 10th grade is a LOT worse than wobbling a bit in 9th. Second is that if you don’t join things in 9th grade, it’s a lot harder to get a leadership position later on. I’m not advocating trying to get a leadership position just to pad a resume for college. I think you learn a lot more if you rise through the ranks and get leadership positions in things you enjoy. You’re unlikely to end up as the editor in chief of the school newspaper or the star of the mock trial/model UN/FedChallenge/Debate team if you don’t join until 10th grade. And yes if she wants to play a sport, the odds are high she’ll have to do it in 9th grade to have any chance of playing varsity.
Encourage her to join at least one club or activity at school. That’s how many kids make friends and I think it’s good for a 9th grader to have some exposure to the older kids, especially as the juniors and seniors navigate the college process.
My next piece of advice is to tell her to make an effort to get to know her teachers. I don’t mean brown nose. I mean speaking up in class when appropriate, asking for help when she needs it.
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I somehow missed this interesting thread until today. I agree with many who have already commented that you are doing fine. If your daughter doesn’t thrive on competition, that’s fine. There are so many great colleges out there, there’s no need to push here into doing things she doesn’t want to. It’s more important, in my view, to help her discover what she does/might want to do. My son was a very curious kid, but also not competitive - at least except as to sports. We were living overseas and realized he had no idea at all about US colleges. So we started by enrolling him in sports camps after freshman year and then again after sophomore year. The camps were all at big schools - Cornell, UC Berkeley and UCLA - and what he mostly took away from the experience was that he emphatically did not want to go to a big university. I think that the camps also helped him gain confidence and demystified for him the allure of elite universities. That was good information and his actual college search focused entirely on LACs, whereas a lot of his classmates were focused more on USC/Stanford type glamour schools. In your case, if your daughter is showing positive interest in college, it might be an idea to send her to a summer program that focuses on something she is interested in. Or visit schools that are convenient to where you live or where you may travel. Half the trick is figuring out what might work best for her - big vs. small, urban/suburban vs. rural, Greek vs. non-Greek, etc. Then, when the search gets “real” in junior year, she’ll have a meaningful head-start.
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