Need advice about serious issues in a private boarding school (New York). We are new to the US and don’t know what to do

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Hello everyone. We are an international family and my son (12) recently started attending a private boarding school in New York. We have been here less than 3 months, and unfortunately we have already faced multiple serious issues, and I truly don’t know what to do.

1. Medical negligence

My son had an infected ingrown toenail with pus. I repeatedly emailed the school nurse asking for help and daily care. The condition always improved when he was home on weekends, and worsened during the school week. I asked several times to take him to a podiatrist. Instead, they first took him to an Urgent Care and gave him antibiotics, which didn’t help. Later they finally took him to a podiatrist, but still the care was inconsistent. Last week the nurse wrote to me suggesting that I should take him home indefinitely to treat him, even though he feels fine, has no temperature and is not contagious.

2. Secret Zoom meeting without my knowledge

Because the nurse started accusing me by email of being a bad mother and refusing medical care (which is absolutely false), I asked to schedule a Zoom call with the director. While I was in class, she scheduled it 15 minutes later without notifying me and held the call with the school principal behind my back. They clearly didn’t expect the recording to be sent to me.

I received the full Zoom recording and transcript, and I was shocked:

• They discussed me and my child in a humiliating tone

• They used profanity about me (principal said “f***ing unbelievable” etc.)

• They called my son “silly kid”

• They said I “don’t care” and accused me of neglect

• They said I refused medical help, although I have written proof that I asked for it many times

• They mocked the fact that we live “only 1.5h away,” while in reality we are 3.5 hours away and spend 6–7 hours every weekend driving

3. Bullying in the dorm

My son’s roommate constantly bullies him:

• hits him with a telescopic stick,

• breaks his things,

• interrupts his online lessons, plays loud music, mocks him,

• says: “You can’t say anything to me, I’m Black. Try it and you’ll be punished.”

We reported this twice, but the administration ignored us. The dean told us this boy is “a perfect student” and nothing changed.

4. Public humiliation by a teacher

Recently during an event in sports hall (with many students watching), the math teacher yelled at my son:

“Shut up” / “Get out of here”

He was deeply humiliated and didn’t understand why, because nobody else was told anything.

5. Safety issues

There is zero security at the school territory. We once arrived late at night, drove onto campus freely, took our son, and nobody noticed or asked anything. Anyone could do that.

⸻

What I need advice on

We want to transfer him to a different school immediately. The problem is that new schools require recommendations, and after this situation I am afraid the principal may intentionally write a bad one and harm our son’s future.

We are in NYC, and a friend advised us to contact a lawyer (educational attorney + possibly medical negligence). This is very stressful, we feel lost, we don’t know if we are overreacting or if these are really serious violations in the US.

Questions:

• What would you do in this situation?

• Is this something an educational lawyer would handle?

• Should we file complaints officially?

• Can we request neutral recommendation letters?

• Any lawyer recommendations in NY?

Thank you so much in advance.

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If you’re in NYC, can you register for public school?

It’s a crazy story, almost not believable it’s so crazy, and I’m sorry it’s happening to you. I couldn’t imagine having that happen to my student and I agree with you on instant removal.

If you’re a US resident or eligible for public school, that’s what I’d do.

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Your son is only 12 which is young for boarding school - it seems like it isn’t a good fit (to say the least). Perhaps you can explore private day school options where you don’t have to worry about how he is being treated. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

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Yes, we are in NYC. We originally chose a boarding school because our son speaks English poorly, and from what I understand, this can sometimes create challenges in public schools — both for teachers who need to give more attention, and for other students whose learning time may be affected. We wanted to avoid putting him or others in a difficult position while he is still learning the language.

This particular boarding school advertised strong support for international students and English language learners, so we believed it would be the best environment for him to integrate, improve his English, and feel included. Our plan was for him to stay there for a year or two while he builds his language skills.

Right now we are in the process of transferring him to another school, but the problem is that the new school requires recommendations from the current one — and given everything that happened, we are genuinely worried that the administration might provide a harmful recommendation out of defensiveness. That would put our son in a very difficult situation.

At the moment, I am trying to understand how legally protected children are in the U.S. in situations like this. Everything I believed about child protection standards here makes it shocking to see a school behave this way, as if they are completely confident there will be no consequences.

So I’m trying to understand whether it makes sense to hire an attorney — both to protect our child and to ensure that his transfer process is fair. If anyone has experience with this, I would be very grateful for advice.

Thank you again for responding — your perspective really helps us navigate this.

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Yes, thank you. We made this decision because we believed that a boarding school environment would help him learn English faster. Right now he stays at school five days a week, and we bring him home on weekends. We are already considering switching to a day school, but at the moment the bigger issue is the legal and administrative side of the transfer — especially making sure the current school does not provide a damaging recommendation.

At this point I’m also just trying to understand whether what has happened is considered normal or not from a legal perspective, because we are new to the U.S. and I honestly don’t know how situations like this are usually handled.

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Reaching out to @Hanna , who may have some suggestions.

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thank you

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I too was going to suggest you get counsel from @Hanna . As I understand it, you wish to transfer to another school but are afraid that this school will actively hinder your efforts by providing a poor recommendation.

If your current school did anything for which you have a legal case, you would hope to leverage that to remove that obstacle. Is that right?

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Thank you very much for your message and for understanding the situation.

Yes, you understood correctly: my main concern is that the school might intentionally hinder our transfer by providing a negative recommendation or by framing the situation in a way that harms my son. That is the only reason I have been trying to understand whether any of the actions that took place could be considered serious enough to protect us and prevent retaliation.

At this point, my goal is not revenge or conflict, but simply ensuring that my son can transfer safely without being damaged by the school’s actions or words.

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@Hanna Hi @Hanna, several people recommended that I reach out to you for advice.

I’m new here and don’t yet have messaging enabled, but I would be very grateful

if you could take a look at the topic I started and share your thoughts when you have a moment.

Thank you so much in advance.

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The problem is - there are three sides to every story. So any accusations will likely be countered. Even though there is evidence of un professionalism (the video), it doesn’t mean their actions are not legal.

No matter, it will likely take time to sort that OP doesn’t have.

Maybe the best thing to do is to tell them you want to leave as it’s not working out and ask for their help?

My concern here is time. If your son is having roommate issues, you don’t want that to persist.

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If you had to, could you homeschool him for the remainder of the year or even next year as well and then once his English skills are where you want them, reassess?

Or…can you move to an area with a public school system that would be supportive of an English Language learner?

I know these are not great options, but just putting them out there in case they are possible.

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Do not assume that your son’s current school will write a bad recommendation. Based on OP’s comments in this thread, a mutual parting may be welcomed by all concerned.

Hard to see any medical negligence here. Did your son follow the instructions given by the podiatrist & by urgent care (often prescribed medicines are administered by campus nurse, but not always) ?

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I agree that you may not need the threat of a lawsuit to get good recs. I was clarifying if that was what you wanted.

I agree that if this school seems like a poor fit - and both sides agree - they may support a move. It also means that you need to be very dialed in to what indeed would be a good environment for your son. Getting that right should be everyone’s top priority.

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The NYC public schools are a true melting pot of students who have various native languages that are not English. So that could be one option. And the local public school is required to take your student. They don’t need letters of recommendation. You are a resident of that school district.

The other option suggested here is a private day school. That way, your student would come home every night…just like they would if they attended your local public school. Many NYC students attend private DAY schools.

It doesn’t sound like boarding school is the best option for your student right now. So…you might want to explore other options suggested here.

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I sent you a PM with hanna’s website/contact info, look for the green envelope on your avatar in the upper right of the screen.

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NYC middle schools are a complex situation I believe that there are some local schools but most kids apply for middle schools and need to be accepted. I would go to the NYC public school center today and find out what your options are.

I agree with comments above that you will not have an issue with your child speaking english, they will learn over the next two years and be able to apply for high school, esp with motivated parents who can help. Good luck!

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If a place isn’t a good fit for you, it is extremely likely that it isn’t a good fit from the school’s perspective too. The school’s interest and your’s is probably the same: to help the student find another school. They aren’t likely to do anything to hinder this.

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This is quite a period of transition for your son, moving to a new country where he doesn’t speak the native language well and then adjusting to a new living/learning environment not long after so I imagine his emotions and your worries are bigger, this must be so hard.

I think I would find the day school you want to put him in, meet with them and let them know that given the transition to boarding school has been a more difficult adjustment than anticipated, hence the transfer, and you aren’t sure a recommendation from there would be a fair reflection of your son or his potential in a day school setting and given that he’s only been there 3 months anyway you were hoping a recommendation from his previous school would be acceptable. Worst case you also throw in that since he will need to continue boarding there through the semester’s end, you fear asking for the recommendation letter to transfer would negatively impact his remaining time there and hope to delay that by getting the letter from his previous school who know him better anyway.

As a previous poster said, you could just also play it straight with them and use the very unprofessional Zoom recording as leverage that goes something like “let’s keep this honest and straightforward, we need to move on from this school for our son as much as you want us to move on but as it may be in order to do so that will require a favorable recommendation letter from you. Assuming you are agreeable to provide that and the protection of his well being expected from a boarding school, then we will be equally agreeable to not share our less than favorable experience - including how you really feel about students and families as evidenced in the Zoom recording I have of the meeting I requested but you had without me - in a negative review of the school publicly.”

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I’m so sorry this is happening to your child and your family. To answer your question, no, this is not normal, and your child should not be experiencing bullying and humiliating treatment from school staff.

You could try to pursue something legally, but it is almost certainly not worth your time and money. Litigation will be expensive and will not get you what you want anyway - a healthy school environment where your child is thriving.

What would I do if it were my child?

(1) I would pull him from the boarding school as quickly as possible.

(2) As others suggested, I would approach the boarding school to see if they would produce a good recommendation letter since it doesn’t seem to be a good fit on either side.

(3) I would immediately apply to multiple private day schools nearby.

(4) I would explore public schools nearby. Public schools in NYC vary widely depending on where exactly one lives in NYC.

(5) I would consider moving to a nearby suburb with strong public schools.

(6) I would not worry about the English language piece. Once your son is immersed in a school where he feels comfortable and is making friends, he will pick up the language in no time. I speak from personal experience.

You have many options - the main thing is to get your 12 year old home in a loving environment again. Good luck!

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