Need advice about serious issues in a private boarding school (New York). We are new to the US and don’t know what to do

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Hello everyone. We are an international family and my son (12) recently started attending a private boarding school in New York. We have been here less than 3 months, and unfortunately we have already faced multiple serious issues, and I truly don’t know what to do.

1. Medical negligence

My son had an infected ingrown toenail with pus. I repeatedly emailed the school nurse asking for help and daily care. The condition always improved when he was home on weekends, and worsened during the school week. I asked several times to take him to a podiatrist. Instead, they first took him to an Urgent Care and gave him antibiotics, which didn’t help. Later they finally took him to a podiatrist, but still the care was inconsistent. Last week the nurse wrote to me suggesting that I should take him home indefinitely to treat him, even though he feels fine, has no temperature and is not contagious.

2. Secret Zoom meeting without my knowledge

Because the nurse started accusing me by email of being a bad mother and refusing medical care (which is absolutely false), I asked to schedule a Zoom call with the director. While I was in class, she scheduled it 15 minutes later without notifying me and held the call with the school principal behind my back. They clearly didn’t expect the recording to be sent to me.

I received the full Zoom recording and transcript, and I was shocked:

• They discussed me and my child in a humiliating tone

• They used profanity about me (principal said “f***ing unbelievable” etc.)

• They called my son “silly kid”

• They said I “don’t care” and accused me of neglect

• They said I refused medical help, although I have written proof that I asked for it many times

• They mocked the fact that we live “only 1.5h away,” while in reality we are 3.5 hours away and spend 6–7 hours every weekend driving

3. Bullying in the dorm

My son’s roommate constantly bullies him:

• hits him with a telescopic stick,

• breaks his things,

• interrupts his online lessons, plays loud music, mocks him,

• says: “You can’t say anything to me, I’m Black. Try it and you’ll be punished.”

We reported this twice, but the administration ignored us. The dean told us this boy is “a perfect student” and nothing changed.

4. Public humiliation by a teacher

Recently during an event in sports hall (with many students watching), the math teacher yelled at my son:

“Shut up” / “Get out of here”

He was deeply humiliated and didn’t understand why, because nobody else was told anything.

5. Safety issues

There is zero security at the school territory. We once arrived late at night, drove onto campus freely, took our son, and nobody noticed or asked anything. Anyone could do that.

⸻

What I need advice on

We want to transfer him to a different school immediately. The problem is that new schools require recommendations, and after this situation I am afraid the principal may intentionally write a bad one and harm our son’s future.

We are in NYC, and a friend advised us to contact a lawyer (educational attorney + possibly medical negligence). This is very stressful, we feel lost, we don’t know if we are overreacting or if these are really serious violations in the US.

Questions:

• What would you do in this situation?

• Is this something an educational lawyer would handle?

• Should we file complaints officially?

• Can we request neutral recommendation letters?

• Any lawyer recommendations in NY?

Thank you so much in advance.

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If you’re in NYC, can you register for public school?

It’s a crazy story, almost not believable it’s so crazy, and I’m sorry it’s happening to you. I couldn’t imagine having that happen to my student and I agree with you on instant removal.

If you’re a US resident or eligible for public school, that’s what I’d do.

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Your son is only 12 which is young for boarding school - it seems like it isn’t a good fit (to say the least). Perhaps you can explore private day school options where you don’t have to worry about how he is being treated. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

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Yes, we are in NYC. We originally chose a boarding school because our son speaks English poorly, and from what I understand, this can sometimes create challenges in public schools — both for teachers who need to give more attention, and for other students whose learning time may be affected. We wanted to avoid putting him or others in a difficult position while he is still learning the language.

This particular boarding school advertised strong support for international students and English language learners, so we believed it would be the best environment for him to integrate, improve his English, and feel included. Our plan was for him to stay there for a year or two while he builds his language skills.

Right now we are in the process of transferring him to another school, but the problem is that the new school requires recommendations from the current one — and given everything that happened, we are genuinely worried that the administration might provide a harmful recommendation out of defensiveness. That would put our son in a very difficult situation.

At the moment, I am trying to understand how legally protected children are in the U.S. in situations like this. Everything I believed about child protection standards here makes it shocking to see a school behave this way, as if they are completely confident there will be no consequences.

So I’m trying to understand whether it makes sense to hire an attorney — both to protect our child and to ensure that his transfer process is fair. If anyone has experience with this, I would be very grateful for advice.

Thank you again for responding — your perspective really helps us navigate this.

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Yes, thank you. We made this decision because we believed that a boarding school environment would help him learn English faster. Right now he stays at school five days a week, and we bring him home on weekends. We are already considering switching to a day school, but at the moment the bigger issue is the legal and administrative side of the transfer — especially making sure the current school does not provide a damaging recommendation.

At this point I’m also just trying to understand whether what has happened is considered normal or not from a legal perspective, because we are new to the U.S. and I honestly don’t know how situations like this are usually handled.

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Reaching out to @Hanna , who may have some suggestions.

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thank you

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I too was going to suggest you get counsel from @Hanna . As I understand it, you wish to transfer to another school but are afraid that this school will actively hinder your efforts by providing a poor recommendation.

If your current school did anything for which you have a legal case, you would hope to leverage that to remove that obstacle. Is that right?

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Thank you very much for your message and for understanding the situation.

Yes, you understood correctly: my main concern is that the school might intentionally hinder our transfer by providing a negative recommendation or by framing the situation in a way that harms my son. That is the only reason I have been trying to understand whether any of the actions that took place could be considered serious enough to protect us and prevent retaliation.

At this point, my goal is not revenge or conflict, but simply ensuring that my son can transfer safely without being damaged by the school’s actions or words.

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@Hanna Hi @Hanna, several people recommended that I reach out to you for advice.

I’m new here and don’t yet have messaging enabled, but I would be very grateful

if you could take a look at the topic I started and share your thoughts when you have a moment.

Thank you so much in advance.

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The problem is - there are three sides to every story. So any accusations will likely be countered. Even though there is evidence of un professionalism (the video), it doesn’t mean their actions are not legal.

No matter, it will likely take time to sort that OP doesn’t have.

Maybe the best thing to do is to tell them you want to leave as it’s not working out and ask for their help?

My concern here is time. If your son is having roommate issues, you don’t want that to persist.

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If you had to, could you homeschool him for the remainder of the year or even next year as well and then once his English skills are where you want them, reassess?

Or…can you move to an area with a public school system that would be supportive of an English Language learner?

I know these are not great options, but just putting them out there in case they are possible.

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Do not assume that your son’s current school will write a bad recommendation. Based on OP’s comments in this thread, a mutual parting may be welcomed by all concerned.

Hard to see any medical negligence here. Did your son follow the instructions given by the podiatrist & by urgent care (often prescribed medicines are administered by campus nurse, but not always) ?