<p>May I be contrarian here? I just want to give a scenario that COULD be plausible.
There is a male teacher in my S’s former elementary school. He started out doing research on literacy and volunteered in kindergarten to study how the students learned to read and write. He followed them as they moved up grades. He also acted as a sort of big brother to some of the kids. We once met him at a Star Wars film in a suburban movie theater with one of those kids. Last year, the kids he’d followed since kindergarten graduated from high school; he attended their graduation.
To sum up, he had a relationship with some of the kids outside of class, and it was entirely innocent. These outside relationships were conducted with the full knowledge and support of the families who valued the time and effort he put into inspiring the kids to be learners.
I’d suggest asking the D about these phone calls first and see what she says. Perhaps she is merely keeping in touch with a valued teacher and the phone calls are innocent. Perhaps they’re not. If not, then everything that has been suggested here is appropriate from finding a family therapist to alerting the school authorities and the superintendent. But I’d like to find a way for Songman and wife to have a good trusting relationship with their D and, if the teacher is innocent, to spare him from false accusations.</p>
<p>The thing is, and I don’t doubt the possibility of an "innocent " scenario, this was not carried out with the support or knowledge of the family. So right there, if nothing else, it points to a glaring misjudgment on the part of the teacher. If for no other reason than self-protection, such communication is a bad, bad, idea, and the fact that he doesn’t seem to realize that is troubling.</p>
<p>“These outside relationships were conducted with the full knowledge and support of the families who valued the time and effort he put into inspiring the kids to be learners.”</p>
<p>Marite, the red flags in the OP’s situation is that this is not what the teacher is doing. In fact, the teacher seems to be going out of his way to hide his relationship from the parents. Either the teacher is a predator or he is plain stupid to be calling a 14-year-old former student’s cell phone. Either way, his supervisors need to know.</p>
<p>The girl also needs to be held to something that I was brought up with being told by my parents: Do not have a friendship with an adult of either gender without your parent’s knowing about it. If the relationship has to be conducted with secrecy, something is wrong.</p>
<p>Garland:</p>
<p>I agree, but bad judgment is not an indictable offense; I also worry about the repercussions on Songman’s D if the relationship were to be innocent and yet, her teacher were accused of sexually inappropriate behavior.</p>
<p>NSM:
The guilty scenario is equally plausible. I agree that the teacher is acting unwisely. I just want, for the sake of ALL concerned, to caution against hasty decisions.</p>
<p>“In the last four months my daughter has been secretive and relentless about getting a cell phone because” all of my firends have one" …Yes I know we are idiot parents so say it now and get it over with. We purchased the cell phone for her, although this may be a blessing or not. My wife scanned the call list on the telephone and noticed that my daughter made several outgoing calls to the teacher (she knows it is the teacher’s number as she called the number and he answered and without denying it said he would “Take care of the problem”) and here is the killer it is the teacher’s cell phone number! We also noticed several calls coming in from his cell phone to her. And suspect that she spent time chatting with him on instant messenger (AIM)this summer as she would sneak down to computer late at night. I guess when he was on AIM?"</p>
<p>Your advice to me sounds like telling a parent feeling that sick feeling in the pit of the stomach to ignore his gut feeling and find a story to substantiate innocence?? I am appalled at your suggestion. Nice anecdotal tale of your son’s teacher but this parent’s story is vastly differeing in fact…needs to be reported.</p>
<p>Songman,</p>
<p>At the risk of alarming you, here is a link to a recently published article from our local paper. There had been rumors for a long time. </p>
<p><a href=“http://www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=15094485&BRD=1677&PAG=461&dept_id=82745&rfi=6[/url]”>http://www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=15094485&BRD=1677&PAG=461&dept_id=82745&rfi=6</a></p>
<p>I state once again…PhD, PsyD, MD all are experienced professionals. Crime investigation…prosecutor, grand jury…a system in place for these very circumstances. Let the professionals evaluate and do the reporting…let the professionals bear the burden of proof and proceed with findings. The parents here are also victims…their child may have been harmed…how rational can they be under these circumstances…and a 14 year old child is not responsilbe for determining what if any crime may have been committed. Bad judgement or not.</p>
<p>No, I am not trying “to find a story to substantiate innocence.” But I do want to have a fuller picture of the situation. Did the D initiate the calls or did the teacher? If the D made some phone calls and the teacher responded, perhaps with a delay because he was not immediately available, it is a different scenario from his pursuing her. I have agreed that he acted unwisely. But I also think that Songman and his D need to discuss the situation. After the teacher is out of the picture (resigned, was fired), Songman and his D will need to repair their relationship.</p>
<p>Parents and daughter need to discuss the fact that they are seeking professional advice and treatment…who knows what the professionals may know of other cases or other situations of this same type with the same guy. Evaluating solely on their daughter’s circumstance is probably not wise. The gossip must surely have some basis of fact.</p>
<p>The experts cannot investigate anything without proof. I don’t think our publice servents, in a small town like he describes, have the time and expertise to necessarily investigate this. Maybe, but in my experience, even with a signed confession, some crimes are tough to prosecute (ex: I had an employee steal over $5k, caught, prrof and a asigned confession and the small town police said it was not worth bothering with as she was a first-time offender, 18, cute and would likely get no time) So, I would suggest gathering a bit of proof themselves before going elsewhere. If the wrong people alert the guy, he may escape (assuming he is guilty) and delete any prrof. A school district cannot treat him as guilty unless there is proof, possibly allowing him to abuse other kids.</p>
<p>Obtaining proof is not that hard. Print the cell phone records off the computer. Get a parent protection program and see what the girl is saying, maybe nothing happened??? If anything did occur, you’ll have proof and it cannot be swept under the carpet.</p>
<p>In our local high school, a coach had an affair with a player in her senior year, they married 2 years later…he is still working there! People in town are not too happy, but there was nothing the board could do!</p>
<p>So you think that all proof is intact following the phone call from the Father? So you think that the experts won’t obtain further records from the teacher’s phone service…hmmmmmm. The cell phone of the girl should be in custody of parent by now and not used … waiting to be presented for evaluation by professional…or attorney hired by parent. How small can this town be?</p>
<p>Well welcome to reality CC huh? …Please let’s not all argue or mud sling over this .I realize that a difference of opinion will exist between CC posters,but I asked for your opinions so I guess I have to take the good with the bad…well here is the latest in this saga…it seems the teacher has somehow contacted my daughter ,according to my wife ,and told my daughter it was inappropriate for him to be in touch with her and that he will not speak to her again. We are not sure he said this,only that she left an away message on AIM that indicated to my wife that “it” is over. It is the “It” that is bothering me…the unknown… Naturally, my wife and I had the most heated argument that I can recall in years. Actually we rarely argue…hmmmm when we do it is over the kids and what they are doing or not doing. My wife argued vehemently against discussing any of this with my daughter. She said we will talk to her when my daughter comes to us or begins to ask questions. Like the question tonight whereby my daughter asked her mother “Why is it that parents snoop and constantly want to know what their kids are doing”? So did the teacher say “The jig is up ,your parents shut me down?” As someone described in a post there is a pit in my stomach. I want to disuss this with my daughter,beat the heck out of the teacher,save any future students from this guy.a whole range of emotions…and to be frank… it stinks…it is a lousy feeling thinking (or letting my mind wander) that somehow this teacher has fast forwarded my D life into the adult world. She clearly is not ready for the adult world…so here I sit tonight…very sad :(</p>
<p>I feel so sad and concerned for you. Thanks for sharing with us and let us know what support we can be to you. This has to be so difficult and tiring…plus the mind does keep turning. Let us remark and discuss amongst ourselves as our concern is really for you and your daughter and wife. Know that we all care and are concerned…you are not alone in this trouble you are living through. Thanks for sharing. Hugs to you and your honesty is so sincere.</p>
<p>Songman,
Thank you for taking the time to update us. Clearly, you are in a difficult situation. I hope that you’ll take several of our advice and seek family counseling. Go – with your daughter – even if you wife refuses to go.</p>
<p>It’s normal for teens to resent parents who act like good parents by checking up on the teen and their activities and companions. Years later, though, when those teens are mature adults, they will recognize their parents’ wisdom and thank them.</p>
<p>Similarly, teens who are proud of having “cool” parents who never check up on them will become mature adults who are resentful that their parents did not act like parents.</p>
<p>Do also keep in mind that you don’t need to do what your wife says. You are an adult and are your D’s parent, too. Your gut is bothering you for good reason. Follow your gut. Your wife may be a loving, well-meaning parent, and she still can be wrong with the path she wants to take in handling this situation. Should your wife have come from a dysfunctional family herself or if she herself was molested, those experiences could be preventing your wife’s having a wise perspective about your D’s situation.</p>
<p>I am sorry you are sad, you must hurt so much worrying about your child.
Northstarmom has great advice. I believe a good therapist would be a great help. Seems like your daughter is safe and loved. Continue to work on the love with outside help. Maybe something positive can come out of all this endless stomach acid.
L.A.</p>
<p>Songman:</p>
<p>Thank you for updating. I am glad that the teacher has ended “it.” I also think it would be a good idea to find out exactly what “it” was. Can you try to approach the topic indirectly, as a general discussion of student-teacher interaction? Or perhaps “innocently” bring up articles about teachers having inappropriate relationships with their students? This might be an opening for a more specific discussion of this teacher and what the “it” was that he has now ended.</p>
<p>It’s right. You have done your daughter a favor. No matter the extent of the relationship, having contact with a teacher that she hides from you was weighing on her. It was affecting her life in a bad way. So whatever else comes of this, you have removed a burden from her shoulders.</p>
<p>You have to let her know you are open to talk. Otherwise she may not show up. Not necessarily force it, she may be very embarassed. But she needs to know she has some place to go for comfort.</p>
<p>Northstar said: Should your wife have come from a dysfunctional family herself" …When I was younger I used to think that only certain families were dysfunctional. Somehow in my old age now it appears that every family is to some degree…just some are more dysfunctional than others. You see there was no reason to mistrust our daughter. She takes school very seriously, is an “A” student and liked by the teachers and friend’s parents,etc. We certainly watched from behind the scenes as all parents do and set limits. This is a shock to us, but looking back ,her attitude changed in the last 6 months and we wrote it off to puberty setting in and adolescent angst. In the last two years she pulled away from the loving little girl she was and took on the teen persona. Again we wrote it off and thought, well, she is growing up and this is how a 14 year old behaves. All all of her friends seem to act the same way also. All her friends are honor students and were all on student council and are leaders in the school. As I look back some pieces of the puzzle are beginning to come together…I just hope my worst fears are not true …</p>
<p>You have laid this all out for us and sooner or later you will have confidence in what you feel and know. Your posts are very clear. Keep posting and you will be able to go back and read what you knew but couldn’t accept…trust yourself you are a wise and knowing father. Remember that your daughter will feel responsible for all that has happened…she will feel that she caused all of this by her own action. The guilt of discovery is anxiety producing and she will defend the teacher’s actions. Assure her of your love, but seek some professional counseling for yourself if nobody else will go.</p>
<p>Jonri said:It’s too likely that things will get out of control and end up worsening the relationship between parents and child. It would help to have someone else back up the message that the parents aren’t unreasonable in being concerned about this contact. Whether the contact was innocent or not, the kid’s reaction to being asked about it will probably be outrage. It’s probable that she will simply refuse to discuss anything with her parents"</p>
<p>This is excatly what my wife feels…she is adamant that we not confront our daughter with this for fear we will lose her trust…quite the dilemma</p>