<p>Thanks for the kind words! I will only let this go for so long.</p>
<p>I have been teaching for a while, I have seen at least one good teacher driven from a school by inuendo, and have heard of others including Principals that have been accused unfairly…where an investigation showed that students made up stories to get attention or to wreck havoc. I am also aware that there are child preditors out there and that sometimes these people get into school and church situtations to be near children.</p>
<p>What I have read in these posts was that a teenage girl has a cell phone and has had phone conversations with a previous teacher. The fact that the calls were made on cell phones seems to fuel some suspicion.</p>
<p>I am a teacher, my phone number and email address are posted on my board, my students have been told to write it on the first page of their notes and instructions not to call me after 8 are included in my first few notes home. I have gotten calls, emails and IMs from current and former students…former students tell me about their jobs, their college plans, ask me if I can be a reference or complete a survey for a class. I also try to help them get the right classes for college preparation. I just completed an online survey for a former student who is going to a youth leadership conference. To do the survey I spoke with the student and his sister twice once from my cell. She also is a former student. These kids no longer attend my school and both of them have called to ask my advice about classes and dealing with teachers.</p>
<p>I have students call me to tell me that their dad is safe but his barrack were blown up, or that they got a call from someone who said to tell me hello. I also have gotten calls from people at home, but returned them on my cell phone for my convienence. I don’t block my numbers, so if a student wanted to call me back they could use the number trapped in their cell phone. </p>
<p>A few years ago, I stopped taking IMs because with screen names you never know who is writing and IMs can be very time consuming. I would only use them to explain a specific math problem for a former student far away…otherwise I use the phone.</p>
<p>When I call students back, I don’t know if I am calling a cell or a home phone. I discourage idle foolish calls, but once stayed on a phone for 45 minutes with a young student until a parent got home…some scary movie got to this kid.</p>
<p>I have left basketball games and seen students left stranded five or six miles from home, some teachers will never let a student into their car to get a ride…I reluctantly give students rides home after trying to reach a parent with my cell phone… it is a dilema…and I don’t blame other teachers for not giving students rides. I have cautioned more than one new teacher to not let his classroom door close when there is only one student in the room with him…teachers need to be aware of how things appear as well as what is right.</p>
<p>What should you do. 1. If you want call the teacher, tell him you do not want him talking to your daughter! If he talks to her again, call the school or the police. He may be a preditor or he might be a naive young man who thinks he is making a positive difference in a young students life and who thinks it is good to be popular. 2.As for other rumors…you could call the police and ask to talk to a professional about this…you might try the state police if you think your local force doesnt’ have the expertise. Asking to have a sit down with the Principal might get better results if you limit yourself to asking him not to talk with your daughter anymore because of your concerns…Please be careful of spreading additional rumors or accusing someone based on suspicion alone or because a young man in his twenties is popular with teenage girls. I wouldn’t convict a person based on what I have seen here.</p>
<p>I spent a long time writing my message and got interrupted by an IM from a friend, so I didn’t see your update before I posted. When I saw your update and hit delete. What’s done is done. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t let this go…nor would I wait 'til your daughter wants to talk about it. I would just get professional advice–now more than ever–as to how to raise the issue with your daughter. Asking questions now, when you are likely to blow up–I would too, I know–won’t help.</p>
<p>One of my adult friends told me that when she was in h.s., she had sex with her tennis coach. She was one of the top students in the school, flirted with him (as many teen girls do with teachers), he invited her to his apartment, she felt flattered went there and had sex with him. </p>
<p>Despite her high grades (eventually went on to get a MBA), she had low self esteem and even as the mature adult mom of a teen had difficulty understanding that the coach took advantage of her.</p>
<p>Also, when I was running a job program for aspiring h.s. journalism students who were academically steller, some of the students in the program told me that one of the students was having an affair with her h.s. journalism teacher.</p>
<p>She was beautiful, gregarious, and one of the top students in her high school. He was at least in his 40s, was homely, but took a lot of interest in her (interest that until I was tipped off by the other students simply seemed like that from a caring teacher). </p>
<p>When I investigated, I learned that the teacher was telling other adults that he was planning to transfer high schools to teach in the high school that the girl had just transferred into. He told at least one adult that he planned to do that because he so enjoyed teaching her.</p>
<p>Riiiiiight…</p>
<p>I did talk to the girl and had her female mentor talk to her, but (no surprise), the girl denied that anything was going on. I also talked with the girl’s mom, who also thought there was “no chance” that her daughter could be sexually involved with a teacher. The guy, said the mom, was just a nice man who cared about her daughter’s education.</p>
<p>“…she is adamant that we not confront our daughter with this for fear we will lose her trust…quite the dilemma”</p>
<p>Your wife is overlooking what’s more important: Your daughter has lost your trust, and for good reason. That’s why it would be good to get involved with a professional therapist. A lot is at risk.</p>
<p>Mr. B…I recall having realtionships in a sense, with teachers only once in my life- senior year of high school and college. Somehow given all that has occurred in the last few years Teachers should, as you stated “teachers need to be aware of how things appear as well as what is right” Our children spend more time with teachers then they do with their parents. Teachers in my day,were an extension of the family. They disciplined like a parent and parents supported the teacher in their effort to educate their child. Somehow that trust has eroded by the few bad guys and gals. The 5% that have ruined it for the 95% of teachers that are professionals. A sad commentary on society I guess. Thanks for the advice. I will think about what you have said…</p>
<p>and the daughter has trusted an adult who has let her down…the teacher. The daughter has been let down also and now feels she has nowhere to turn.</p>
<p>Hazmat- This is my concern also…that my daughter is alone now trying to deal with this with her limited experience…</p>
<p>The appropriate behavior of a 14 year old girl is to feel responsible for the actions of all…she bears the burden. She does not have the capacity to see herself as a target/victim. What she will see is that she caused the teacher to behave in this way and she caused your wrath upon him and her and she is paralyzed with anxiety and fear…and wishing she had him to confide in. The best thing you can do is understand this as best you can until you can get yourself to a counselor and hopefully your daughter also. Would someone suggesting a book to you help you at all…are you a reader? Do you have any knowledge of victim mentality and age appropriate behavior under these circumstances???</p>
<p>No experience with this .Heck I was waiting for the day that my D had her first date with a boy her age…not this. This is a nightmare…especially when you consider that I do not know the extent of the relationship with the teacher.</p>
<p>Parents aren’t unreasonable in being concerned. Noting untoward may have actually happened. But that much contact without parents knowing is worth concern. Maybe you don’t have to do anything official or alarming now. But you do need to let your daughter know that you found out and also why you are worried and if she needs to talk you are there. It doesn’t have to be a full confrontation, just a conveying of information and feeling.</p>
<p>Dear Songman,</p>
<p>So sorry your family is going through this. I’ve just read this thread with increasing horror as you’ve provided more and more information. It seems clear that there was a relationship of some sort, the “It” that is now over, and that whether or not this relationship was explicitly sexual, it was grossly inappropriate for a man twice her age to engage a 14 year old girl in a secret friendship, thereby undermining her relationship with her family both during and following their relationship. The trust that your wife is concerned about losing has already been breached. And the cryptic, “I’ll take care of it,” is not exactly reassuring. </p>
<p>Given all this, I want to support everything Northstarmom has said. Professionals who have experience with exactly this sort of situation offer the best hope of addressing this situation both emotionally and legally if need be. Really, get a referral tomorrow. Even if your wife can’t bear to face learning about what happened and facing the repercussions, for your daughter’s sake, you must act. Particularly if the the worst case scenario turns out to be the reality and your child has been victimized physically, there is no benefit to her in you and your wife respecting the secrecy the abuser imposed and pretending that nothing has happened.</p>
<p>Stay strong. Even if your child is outraged now, when she becomes a mature, healthy young woman, she will will understand the love and concern that underlie your actions.</p>
<p>Ordinarily, one suggestion would be for your D to go see a therapist on her own. This would enable her to be as candid as possible, in a way that she might not be with her parents. But you also need to have peace of mind; you need to know what happened, whether you have cause for real worries, and how to prevent such situations arising again.<br>
Since the teacher has agreed to stop phoning your D, there is no longer the same urgency as before. You can try to locate some good therapists and ask their advice on how to handle the situation, then, as the case may be, make appointments on your D’s behalf and later, on your own. The therapist may need to protect your D’s confidentiality, or maybe able to share some information with you that you can act on.</p>
<p>In doing an Internet search, I found 2 books that might be of help to you:</p>
<p>“When Your Child Has been Molested: A Parent’s Guide to Healing and Recovery,” By Hagans & Case</p>
<p>“Kids Helping Kids Break the Silence of Sexual Abuse,” By Linda Foltz</p>
<p>I agree with Alumother, a conversation with the daughter is a good starting point, let her understand your concerns…</p>
<p>Your daughter is not ruined…or lost to you. Try to think in terms of you are still awaiting the first date…all of the normal developmental landmarks are still gonna come your way. This is a problem with a solution. You are part of the solution and you protected your daughter which she will be grateful for in the future. Angry now but grateful for your love and protection in the future. If you can think of this as the angry toddler, the willful toddler, the one who could not see the slight of hand …it may help you. She is still just as smart, beautiful and full of promise…I assure you.</p>
<p>"Ordinarily, one suggestion would be for your D to go see a therapist on her own. This would enable her to be as candid as possible, in a way that she might not be with her parents. "</p>
<p>Typically, reputable therapists who work with children and adolescents establish relationships with both the parent and the teen. The therapist does not reveal to the parents everything that the teen says in a session. However, the therapist does let the parents know if the teen is in any kind of danger. The therapist also helps the parents know what to do to be more effective parents. There usually is some element of family therapy involved.</p>
<p>thanks everyone…for now we have no reason to believe that there was abuse…although the facts are not positive I admit. Well I am going to try to get some sleep now. Although the last few nights it has been tough. Thanks to all again…</p>
<p>Confidentiality for your daughter to reveal is of utmost importance and for you to heal it is not necessary to know any details. I am sure you don’t want to hear this but it is true. Your task is to love and protect, accept her as she is and her job is to find out why she was vulnerable to this. Treatment works and your daughter will be a stronger young woman for it…please trust us on this.</p>
<p>One classic, standard, adult text is:: The Courage to Heal - Third Edition - Revised and Expanded : A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse – by Ellen Bass, Laura Davis; Paperback</p>
<p>Another:: I Never Told Anyone: Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
by Ellen Bass, Louise Thornton (Editor) </p>
<p>These texts may help you in that many adults were victimized as young women/children and the lack of protection by a parent re-victimizes them. It is a start for you to understand the thinking. I am sure there are appropriate adolescent texts also…for you and for your daughter.</p>
<p>Dear Songman;</p>
<p>Predators often pick their prey becasue they think the prey is not well defended.</p>
<p>Defend your daughter. Let the burden of proof be the teacher’s.</p>
<p>Send an email to your attorney describing the behavior you find alarming. Copy the email to the headmaster (principal) of the school where the teacher works.</p>
<p>Use plain, non-hysteric language to describe the intrusion. Then, ask the attorney for advice on the best way to defend your young daughter from possible unwanted attentions.</p>
<p>Let the attorney respond to you by email. Forward that to the principal or assistant principal. Then, call and ASk for a meeting. You will be welcomed. They will certainly give this matter their urgent attention.</p>
<p>My bet is the teacher avoids your D from here on out (hopefully). I imagine some complaints have been laid already. He could well resign. </p>
<p>Then, promise us you will get some professional help for your D. She must know the situation is untenable, yet she is seeking this man’s attention. That is very dangerous behavior. It should be addressed by a professional counsellor before it manifests itself in another way.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>*ps I used this method successfully when a substitute teacher cracked my 14 year old son across the back of the head and sent him flying across the room. We sent the email to our (prominent) attorney on Thursday evening. The teacher resigned and moved away the following Tuesday.</p>