Need advice or suggestions from CC parents-D's past teacher possibly a sex offender?

Parent Cafe
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<p>songman: </p>

<p>I was kind of playing devil’s advocate in my head as I read through this thread… Thinking about my S who emails teachers about things he reads in the summer-- thinking about my D who called her male coach on cell and vice versa numerous times… </p>

<p>But then it really perturbed me that your D said “it” is over. The fact that there was an “IT.” “It” could be a flirtation, a one sided crush, a friendship; could be less, or more-- but ANY “it” that is secret from parents is wrong. And I strongly suspect at least a crush, which it is unconscionable that the teacher did not IMMEDIATELY cut off. Furthermore, when you called him, he was silent-- he did not say: “Oh! yes, she has been calling me to get advice on this problem with her best friend, I thought you knew all about it” or whatever plausible explanation would exist. </p>

<p>Bottom line, they both acted “busted.” There may not have been sex or touching but it seems likely that at leats his ego was being stroked by attention from a Lolita.</p>

<p>NO FLAMES PLEASE, but I would do the following:</p>

<p>(1) Confiscate the phone. Hopefully this has been done. <strong>Check saved text messages on the phone.</strong> Kids will save a few favorites. See what has been text messaged and by whom. Get all the phone records and track the past year of calls from your land line too. Remember, however, that there is no preventing her calling from a public phone or home phone away from your eyes.</p>

<p>(2) Tomorrow when she is at school, search her room & bathroom & backpack or purse. At school, go through her locker as well (you may need school help here.) If she has been “in love” there will some written stuff, believe me; even just doodles or notes passed back and forth to her girlfriends. If she has been sexually active there may be BC pills or a prescription. Check pockets of coats, purses, old school binders, hiding places, jewelry boxes, etc.</p>

<p>(3) search the computer too; if necessary with a pro.</p>

<p>If you turn over any real evidence go to war. </p>

<p>If not, I still think it is completely okay to accuse the teacher of the “appearance of impropriety” with sustained personal contact with non-current student. It is at best the same as a teacher using inappropriate punishment, foul language or similar for which a teacher could/should be called on the carpet.</p>

<p>You wife, excuse me for saying so, is being an idiot. The ROLE of a parent is to take control of out-of-control situations and to help the child. WHO CARES if the kid gets ****ed off! My position would be the same as if I was taking a steak knife away from a toddler-- go ahead and scream, this is for your own good!</p>

<p>Furthermore, your wife’s fear of talking about this directly is surprising. If this was going on in my house, my kid & I would be talking for the next week straight. Maybe it is good to keep the suspicions under the rug until the search part is done, but then I would have a big time sit down. </p>

<p>If this is not something with which you are comfortable or skilled, use a good therapist to help you.</p>

<p>Your D is probably very flattered by this attention, but she needs to be able to see that 28/14 attention is weird and sick, and not “love” or whatever she may imagine. Basically a rule of thumb is “if you need to keep something secret from your Mom and Dad, that’s your inner voice saying it is wrong.” </p>

<p>Good luck songman.</p>

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<p>wow, what excellent advice from NSM, SBMom and others.
There is definitely something suspicious in this relationship, and I would try to find some proof. I would look at home before intruding on school locker. Her girlfriends may share with you if asked, especially if they know how concerned you are. I’d go so far as to interrupt her late night IM’ing, to see if she’s contacting this teacher.
I would press my D for details. I’d want to know content of calls, if they have met outside of the house. The rel’shp may very well not have progressed beyond the “flattering” stage. I’d check out what music she is listening to, what books being read. I’d take note if she’s changed appearance. I could go on and on, but the main point is to stay calm and listen to her.
will wait for an update</p>

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<p>Wow! Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, Songman! It sure does sound like time for expert family counseling to help sort all of this out. At this point, it’s hard to know what to make of all of this, but my radar would sure be up and we would be working hard to keep communication open with our daughter.</p>

<p>The teen years are very tough. It’s true that many of the teachers at our kids school give out their phone numbers & AIM to all their students. It’s also true that some students keep in touch with these teachers, even when they’re no longer attention attending the school. </p>

<p>I guess it’s the secrecy that would be a concern and the reaction of the teacher and your daughter when you expressed your concern about inappropriate contact by the instructor. I would definitely do a thorough search, following the methods which have been outlined by others and then get professional help and family counseling. </p>

<p>Good luck–you’re doing a great job during a difficult time.</p>

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<p>It seems to me that there are some good reasons for the parent to be suspicious here… but that some very strong conclusions are being drawn based on very little evidence. </p>

<p>In the first place - here is behavior that is or could be entirely innocent:</p>

<p>Teacher/student maintaining contact after the school year is over: My daughter is very gregarious and has maintained contact with many of her former teachers, female as well as male. She has phone numbers for some and simply calls on occasion to say hi. One of the teachers who she has very regular contact with was her 9th grade English teacher - he retired after that year, but she IM’s him regularly and would like him to write her college recommendation. I have seen some of the IM correspondence and it is clear that he is a mentor to her – typically, if she is having a hard time coming up with a theme for an essay about a book, she might write him about it, and he will write back asking the sort of questions about the book that will get her thinking and ready to write. No possibility at all of anything improper going on here – the man is very old and quite frail - one of the reasons for the strong abiding friendship is that his class was very small - only 10 students - and the teacher has failing eyesight, so my daughter was a big help to him entering data like class grades into the computer for him. </p>

<p>Cell Phone Contact: Some people use only cell phones these days, and it is very common for young people to only give out or use their cell phone numbers. My daughter gives out her cell phone number rather than home number for all sorts of “business” type transactions – the dentist, orthodontist & optometrist all have her cell number because she makes her own appointments, for example. She and her boyfriend talk endlessly on the cell phone, every single night, for hours – but neither she nor he even know the others’ home number. So basically, her closest friends and her most casual and remote contacts all have the cell number. It doesn’t bother me because I see the bill and can access it online easily (Cingular). What I pay attention to more is the length of the call – so if I suspected monkey business with the teacher I would wonder whether it was a 5-10 minute call (probably innocent) or a 45+ minute call (not so innocent). </p>

<p>I think that it makes sense for the parent to be alert to the problem, but going out and reading books about sex abuse is very far fetched. It probably is inappropriate for this young male teacher to be maintaining a friendship with a 14 year old girl, but it really may only be a matter of friendship and interest. Unfortunately, if the parents adopt an accusative stance, that will only shut the doors to further communication – a big fight will ensue and parents will never know. It would be much better if the parents could sit down with the daughter, explain that they are concerned in an open, but not accusatory way, and ask what the story is. Why the calls? What are they talking about? etc. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, from what has been posted, I think it may already be too late for that sort of rational, open conversation. It seems that in songman’s family, battle lines are already being drawn: suspicious father, defensive mother, angry daughter. Maybe there is a way that everyone can take a step back and restore take a more open, trusting approach to communication. By “trusting” I don’t mean trusting the teacher, but trusting the daughter, keeping in mind that there could also be a situation of an innocent crush.</p>

<p>Of course it can also be far more serious - but rather than taking away cell phones or cutting off the AIM, I’d really aim for setting more clear standards as to parental expectations for usage. For me, the cell phone happens to be one of the best devices I have for monitoring my kid - I just wish I had GPS tracking to go along with the detailed bill and call record. To my daughter, the cell phone equals freedom. To me, I can track who she has been talking to or texting 24 hours a day, 7 days a week – and she can’t even complain that I’m “spying” on her because it is all printed on a bill that comes to me. </p>

<p>If you do have a case of something improper going on, then once the cell phone is taken away, the ability to monitor also goes away – the daughter can still be contacting the teacher in other ways – and if there IS something improper going on, then there is a high likelihood that it will continue to go on in a sneaky way. </p>

<p>Summation: Be vigilant and alert, but don’t jump to conclusions that may be unfair to everyone involved. Just be smart.</p>

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<p>Calmom has provided a good summary of my own interpretation of what is going on. I want to stress that a not-so-innocent scenario is absolutely plausible, even likely; I also appreciate that in a public forum, a poster may not be able to give all the details that would support his interpretation of the situation. However, based only on the evidence presented so far, I am loath to accuse the teacher of abuse or to suggest to parents to read up on that topic, ot to tell them to confiscate the cell phone. As calmom says, the cell phone can easily be replaced by another means of communication.</p>

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<p>". However, based only on the evidence presented so far, I am loath to …to suggest to parents to read up on that topic, "</p>

<p>I am surprised that you and at least one other poster appears to think that reading on abuse is an extreme reaction to this situation. IMO all parents should read about sexual abuse of children so as to know how to protect their own children and to make sure that their children aren’t exhibiting signs of abuse.</p>

<p>Knowing about child sexual abuse is IMO something that all parents should be informed about just as good parents are informed about other issues involving children’s welfare.</p>

<p>Here’s an HTML article about children who are sexually abused by educators: <a href=“http://66.102.7.104/search?q=cache:LOg7pYbkL3MJ:www.hofstra.edu/pdf/ORSP_Shakeshaft_Spring03.pdf+“percent+of+children+are+sexually+abused”&hl=en&ie=UTF-8[/url]”>http://66.102.7.104/search?q=cache:LOg7pYbkL3MJ:www.hofstra.edu/pdf/ORSP_Shakeshaft_Spring03.pdf+“percent+of+children+are+sexually+abused”&hl=en&ie=UTF-8&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Below is info from another article.</p>

<p>"… it is impossible to determine the exact extent of the problem. Experts believe that most cases of child sexual abuse are never reported to authorities. In fact, the FBI has estimated that only 1 percent to 10 percent of child sexual abuse cases are reported to the police. Children often do not report being sexually abused because they are ashamed, are afraid of repercussions, or are reluctant to betray their abusers. In addition, many reports of child sexual abuse are never substantiated, either because they are unfounded or because they cannot be proven. </p>

<p>Child sexual abuse cases are frequently difficult to prove due to a lack of physical evidence (especially if the abuse is reported a significant period of time after it occurred) or due to unreliable testimony by the child victim. For these reasons, estimates of the prevalence of child sexual abuse vary wildly. </p>

<p>Ann Wolbert Burgess and Christine A. Grant of the University of Pennsylvania School of Nursing report that in nine scientific studies they reviewed, the prevalence of sexual abuse ranged from 6 percent to 62 percent for girls and from 3 percent to 31 percent for boys. "
<a href=“http://www.enotes.com/child-sexual-article/[/url]”>http://www.enotes.com/child-sexual-article/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>It’s important to realize that the problem is not just something that affects girls. I knew a woman whose adolescent son was sexually abused by a female teacher. The mother had found evidence of the abuse (I think the mom had overheard some phone calls), but the son was “in love” with the teacher and when police investigated, denied the abuse. And no, this was not the famous case that hit the news.</p>

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<p>“I’d go so far as to interrupt her late night IM’ing, to see if she’s contacting this teacher.”</p>

<p>I would not allow a 14 or 15-year old child to IM anyone without a parent’s being in the room and available to look over the child’s shoulder at any time. It’s too easy for naive children to be either victimized by predators or to get into doing things that are inappropriate.</p>

<p>Yes, the teen or child will scream that their privacy is being invaded, but that’s what parents are for. </p>

<p>I feel the same about not allowing children to visit friends without responsible adults present or to do things like wander the malls without adult chaperones. In my fairly safe small city, a teen girl was raped in our local mall, apparently by a security guard.</p>

<p>It’s very easy for teens wandering malls to either go off and do something completely different and inappropriate (such as going off to the apartments of older guys) or to get into things like shoplifting, which even normally honest teens and children have done when they were bored or had too much idle, unsupervised time. Malls are not playgrounds.</p>

<p>Fine for older teens who are responsible to go to malls with friends to shop for specific items. It’s not fine, though, IMO for parents to allow teens of any age to use malls as hangouts or to allow young teens to hang out at malls without some kind of adult supervision.</p>

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<p>Reading about sexual abuse in general is a good thing. I am uneasy, however, about the assumption that sexual abuse has been going on; it may have–but the evidence that songman has shared here is not strong enough to conclude so. And the inference is that absue has taken place. Otherwise, the suggestion would not have been made.
Right now, I’d rather focus on finding out what exactly took place.</p>

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<p>Threat or anticipation of sexual activity affects the child in the same way that physical contact does…why do you make a distinction? The lead up to contact is intense and anxiety producing…child many times believes they are in control but they are NOT. From what I have heard from the father…many leading indicators of inappropriate cues leading to have been reported, secrecy and changes in child’s behavior. The physical acts are not the sole damaging evidence. Grooming and carressing are okay with you but intimate sexual contact isn’t?</p>

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<p>Hazmat:
Is your post directed at me?</p>

<p>If so, I would respond that we know absolutely nothing about the content of the conversations; we don’t know whether it was romantic, sexual, about movies, homework, or what. Songman has reasons to be suspicious, but that seems to be all: suspicion.<br>
Nor do we know anything about meetings–if there have been any-- between the teacher and the student. I, for one, prefer not to jump to conclusions. Again, let me repeat:

</p>

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<p>Marite and Calmom, I’m pleased to see your reasoned responses to this situation. I was hesitant to reply again here as this thread has devolved into a melange of somewhat overreactive and, in my opinion, ridiculous advice. As I said in my first post, the absolute first thing to be done, and inexpicably hasn’t been done, is to talk to this young girl about the issue. Regardless if it’s easy or not, this must be done. As many have said, this situation MAY be an untenable one of inappropriate behavior on the part of the teacher, but it is far more likely that it was innocent in nature and that cannot be determined without discussing it with the child. Frankly, it is amazing to me that this has yet to be done, and I mean no disrespect to you or your family, songman, but seeking advice from strangers online should not be your sole solution to this problem, and I’m hoping that it’s not.</p>

<p>As many others here have stated regarding their own children, my Ds have ongoing contact through email, IM, and phone with many previous and current teachers. School websites post teachers’ email addresses and contact is encouraged. Cell phones are so common these days that it is no surprise whatsoever to me that that would be the way contact is made. Many people do not even have landlines anymore. </p>

<p>As the mother of four daughters, and also a psychologist by training, I can say that girls at age 14 are at the ‘ideal’ age for crushes on male teachers, coaches, mentors. This scenario is a far more likely one than the one most here are suggesting that this young man is a sexual predator. This type of crush happens every year, probably in every school, to most young male teachers of kids this age. Sexual predation does not. While I’m not discounting or diminishing the horror of sexual inappropriateness with minors, you really should be aware, and relieved!, that there is a much more likely innocent scenario. Not that there isn’t a problem if your D has carried this crush too far, which if it is the case, she obviously has. However the problem is a much easier one to handle and to help her heal. Her away message of “it is over” may simply mean that she may not be able to speak to him anymore, or IM him. In her mind, her ‘love’ may be over. I’m not saying there isn’t the possibility that it’s more than that, but please, speak to your daughter, first and foremost, as I said previously, in a non-accusatory way, both of her and of the teacher. Then, speak to the teacher. If you are still worried that they are hiding something more than a crush and a few phone calls and IMs, go to the principal with your concerns and make it clear to him/her that the police are the next step. If it is, however, a crush on her part and an inability on the part of the teacher to know how to handle the attentions of a lovestruck teen, then I’m sure that an experienced principal will be in a position to know how to handle it. Chances are, they have faced this issue before.</p>

<p>All of that can be done relatively quickly, and then you and your wife should discuss some type of family counselling, probably first for your daughter, but with all of you involved in some way. Teens can be hard to talk to but it’s imperative that both you and your wife find a way to have an open and honest relationship with your daughter, not only for situations like this where her safety may be at issue, but, in general, so that she is confident enough to come to you to talk, whether it be a serious or a trivial matter. One final suggestion, if there is an older individual who your D is close to, older sister, cousin, aunt, friend, teacher who is female (sexist, I know, but it is what it is), perhaps you could enlist their aid in speaking to her about this. If this is the worst case scenario, then a level of comfort in speaking about it will be necessary for your D. I wish you every bit of luck possible in handling this.</p>

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<p>Mostly toward folks who read your post and who don’t believe that anything less than physical contact constitutes abuse…victimization. I think some of this discussion is more about the subject and less about this particular young woman. Our only information is from an upset parent who has an icky feeling and is sharing his experience and looking for validation and suggestion. </p>

<p>Jumping to conclusions would be contacting authorities and tracking this family down…I don’t see anyone here mentioning that. I hear folks discussing what ifs and victim rights and perp rights…the usual topics. Exactly what I expect from CC folks. One thing is certain, this is not an unusual situation and many of these situations happen before one perp is reported or investigated.</p>

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<p>calmom, marite,</p>

<p>I’d be squarely in your corner were it not for the hangdog reactions of kid & teacher, that indicate there was an “it.”</p>

<p>But I still advocate evidence gathering and a reasonably high level of suspicion, and <em>at least</em> a chat with the principal about the propriety of chatty relationships with young female students. Cheers’ idea was good. Gather evidence, then act.</p>

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<p>I have seen both sides of this type of thing. My D maintained at least some contact with a favorite teacher that left the district, but she talked freely about it, including with her GC when talking about getting recs for college apps. It was not regular contact, but an occasional email about a writing topic. </p>

<p>On the other side, I had to deliver the sad news to a parent (friend and co-worker) that his daughter was being abused by her grandfather. She had confided in my older D who handed it to us. The reaction is always the same, disbelief. In this case, we saved the child but lost the family (divorce). </p>

<p>I would err on the side of the child.</p>

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<p>SBMOM I agree with alot of what you have posted - there needs to be some action in regards this situation - appropriate type and not jump the gun type - and this from our own experience with an inappropriate teacher/coach.</p>

<p>SONGMAN - I am glad that you are taking the lead on your concerns - it does make me wonder tho if your wife is afraid of alienating your DD - which is not uncommon - but being as your DD is 14 - you have to hang on very tightly in order not to - she is going to be upset as ‘‘hell’’ - but it will pass - believe me - depending on alot of things.</p>

<p>My suggestion - and SBMOM hit the nail on the head - you really cannot acuse this teacher of anything of any sexual nature - BUT what you can do - and believe me you really need to - is bring to the attention of his superiors/school administrators - the unprofessional and unethical behavoir of this teacher - and with proof in hand - as it relates to your DD. You can only speak for your own situation - even tho there are other suspected occurances - they need to be made aware of his behavior - have it on the record - so to speak. This may also act as a catalist for others as well - and may also help to prevent the reoccurance for other students as well - as he will probably be put on notice in some way.</p>

<p>There is NO appropriate communication between a teacher/coach/mentor - especially with a 14 yo - without the parents knowledge/consent of it in someway. The fact that this situation has been ‘‘secretive’’ puts up big red flags. Also the fact that you did give your daughter a cell phone - should not be considered that unusual at all - many kiddos that age have cell phones - but the fact that there have been several calls between your DD and this teacher - without your knowledge/consent - is what needs to be considered. You have access to the phone records on-line - you have the choice to take the phone or to monitor the calls - and I would let your DD know that - tho this could drive the kiddo to seek an alternative way to contact who ever she chooses.</p>

<p>You do need to - as a family - have a good sit down heart-to-heart - confrontational is not going to get you anywhere - but you need to talk to her and attempt to find out what was going on - because you love her!!! Sure - she may be *****'d as hell - but she needs to know that YOU a the parent and she is a child and that this is not acceptable or appropriate behavior - on both sides of this coin - especially a ??professional adult and a minor child - there are serious repercussions that can occur on both sides - she needs to know that up front.</p>

<p>You need to inform the school administration about this also - and yes - show the records if there is any question at all. You need to make them aware - put them on notice as well - your actions may actually save another girl from this in the future - especiallly if the rumurs are true. Just maybe there have been other complaints about this teacher in the past that you are not aware of - and the school really is not at liberty to share with you - but at least you will have your situation on record - then it is very difficult to dispute that there has been a problem with this teacher in the past. Produce a timeline also - covering the length of time that your DD has known this teacher and the communications that have occured.</p>

<p>You must do something about this - or you will be just like the other parents who have pulled their DD’s out of his class or whatever - silence can be dangerous. If you don’t advocate for your DD in the strongest way that you can - then you are no different from others in the rumor mill - sorry - don’t mean to sound nasty - but think about it. As a parent - I am a lioness when it comes to protecting my kiddos from situations such as this - and believe me - I scratched and devoured a teacher/coach who abused my own DD - so I speak from experience here. YOU MUST inform the powers that be on this one - be a leader - not a follower on this - youd Dd’s life/future may depend on it. Our situation took many months to ge thru - came very close to a restraining order against the said teacher/coach - which certainly would not look good on any teachers cory check. I started my fight for my DD alone - and ended up with several other families coming forth - as our situation went thru the process it could not be swept under the rug.</p>

<p>I have NO regrets for protecting my 14-15 year old DD from a teacher/coach - would do it again in a heartbeat - I fought the battle and won - and no student will ever have to suffer again from this teacher - alot came out of what I did - and I regret none of it. Please do what ever you have to do to protect your DD - she is worth it!!!</p>

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<p>SBmom:</p>

<p>I agree, there is an “it,” and it makes me uneasy. But I would not jump to the conclusion that it amounts to abuse. A discussion with the D is really in order.</p>

<p>When I was in 12th grade in my girls’ lycee, we had a substitute teacher for 3 weeks. He was 28 and very good looking. Half of the class had a crush on him. The girls did everything to be in his vicinity “by coincidence.” When our permanent teacher (female) came, he breathed a sigh of relief. According to her, he’d been petrified of us.</p>

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<p>

This is a very rough estimate, and an interesting statistic. When I think back to high school, I remember many 14-16 year old girls saying their boyfriends were well into their twenties, so this wouldn’t totally shock me. But as a late twenty-something, I know of noone my age who is dating a teenager. So back in the 90s I might have agreed with this statistic, but nowadays I might take issue with it, but I really couldn’t say either way because I know no teenagers or people who hang out with teenagers. All my buddies who teach in high school say it doesn’t even cross their minds, so I would tend to think that the estimates are kind of made up. It also might just be that I don’t know any people invovled in situations like this. I would tend to think that it is super rare, if not nonexistant among male high school teachers today.</p>

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<p>I doubt I can add anything that has not already been said. I guess if you get many thoughts that go in a certain direction, it may help you to handle it, hopefully. When I first read the subject heading and initial posts, I was thinking, whoa…how did we get to “sexual predator” just because there was contact and phone calls as it seemed like a jump there. As others have said, my kids have stayed in contact with teachers or guidance counselors past their time under their supervision. That alone is not that odd though could be something else here. But as I have read more, there are a couple flags for me. One is that when confronted, the teacher reportedly just said, “I’ll take care of it” as if to say, I’ll cut this off, whatever “it” is. If it was all very professional and innocent, why wouldn’t he share adult to adult that he is concerned that D is coming to him with problems, (one example) or “here is what we’ve been talking about” or any explanation. Saying he will stop is almost admitting something he did was wrong. If the nature of their contact was professional concern or just sharing how it is going in her life, he’d have said so, I would think. The other flag is the D writing “it’s over”…I wonder what “it” is. Again, can’t jump to conclusions but that is an odd thing to say unless something truly was over. There is the change in the D’s behavior (again can’t conclude it but could be connected). But the last flag is the secrecy part. My kids are in contact with educators outside the classroom but NONE of it is a secret. They may even tell me about it. The educator would readily say so as well. The contact the OP D is having appears secretive. That would concern me but I’d need more information. </p>

<p>As a starting point, without any accusations flying toward D or even toward the T who COULD be innocent of wrongdoing (though all the continual phone contact does sound unprofessional), but I think the parents need to discuss with the D…what has been going on…they have noticed the many calls with the T, what were they about, what for, etc. I’d do the same and ask to meet with the teacher and get some information about the nature of the contact, his explanation, and get a feeling from that response. Depending what I found out, I would talk to the principal about a very real concern, not accusing anything but the facts that they have gathered thus far and ask for his involvement. I would not accuse of sexual anything without any evidence. You don’t know if others have come forward with anything and I would await the response from the administrator and go from there. As well, since it is POSSIBLE something very wrong is going on…be it sexual, a crush, a troubled teen who reached out to this man, or a man inappropriately befriending a fourteen year old (just some of the possibilities) and the fact that the D’s behavior has changed PLUS Mom not wanting to “confront” D about these issues, I would seek professional counseling to get at the issues. If more is learned, then go from there. I HOPE and pray it is not more than unprofessional friendship/contact. It very well might not be so don’t jump to conclusions. However, you are there, we aren’t and something in your gut says something is NOT right here and so besides the fact that most of us agree that such ongoing contact that is secretive in and of itself appears unprofessional, there could be more than we know and so you need to pursue information gathering, as well as counseling, as it ain’t going to go away by doing nothing. If your wife does not want to talk to D about it, have a conversation with her yourself…ask her what’s been going on here? She may lie, she may not. Have a conference with the teacher to get more of his “story” than “I’ll take care of it”. I’d like to hear what he has to say because if it is on the up and up, you’ll know because he will present issues at hand and why they spoke so often. He’ll come across as wanting to make sure there was no inpropriety if it was genuine concern/friendship as a teacher (not as a “peer” or predator). Without more information, it is hard to say and I’d truly hestitate to make assumptions or accusations without more digging. </p>

<p>Please let us know how it goes. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

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<p>Most of you are confirming my belief that we need to sit down and have a calm conversation with my daughter. We run a democracy (or we like to think we do) in our house. There are many decisions my wife delgates to me and I do the same with her. We have been a team for over 20 years. It is funny, but when the decisions are delegated (not unanimous that is) the non-decision maker always supports the decision maker so that we have always been consistent with our kids when it comes to rules,discipline, etc. This has not always been by design maybe it is just the high compatibility that my wife and I have. I am aware though that this is not the same as deciding whether or not to move, buy a car or pick out the color of some tile…I will NOT let this go for too long without demanding some more facts…</p>

<p>As some of you pointed out so well,your own children have had some passive contact with past or current teachers on the IM and cell phones. One poster said that the teacher’s behavior is “Innappropriate” another will say that this is the way the world should be…maybe we all have allowed the media,TV ,and society to convince us that the less than 3% that are child molesters, are more predominant than the statistics reveal. I am a firm believer that one should gather as many facts as possible so as not to accuse an innocent person or a well meaning albeit naive one…why? Years ago I taught music. My practice involved going to the student’s home. I was asked to write references for college and several students went on to Berklee,Eastman ,etc…I was single and 27 years old. Occasionally students would call me ,and I would return their calls to their home about a problem they were having with the previous lesson…no crushes that I could ever detect- Granted their parents knew I was calling…that was 1976 (cell phones did not exist. Would I have returned the call to the student’s cell phone if I taught music presently? My point is that teachers do walk a fine line that for e.g. in my line of work (Financial Planning) we planners do not.</p>

<p>So to the poster that said 'I hope that the CC board is not your only guidance here".well no it is not. My sister has been a big help. Her advice is that we should sit down with our daughter and get to the bottom of this. I believe will shall very soon. My wife wants more time to observe our daughter since the teacher has told my D that the chatting is innappropriate. She wants more time to check any calls or IM’s etc…</p>

<p>Although , I will say this regarding the CC boards: All three of us have an emotional stake in this problem, especially my daughter. CC posters do not…You read the facts ,and without emotion in a sense ,state your opinion. So please do not discount the value of your help. It is very helpful and I thank all of you!</p>

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<p>Songman, thanks so much for caring about your daughter like this. I have a dear friend here at college that would have benefited much from the concern you are showing. She had many IM conversations with a former teacher, and although they were not sexual in nature, they led to her complete dependence on him. She would not make any decision without talking with this mentor about it. Several years after she began talking with him nightly, the school district made a policy that teachers could no longer use IM to converse with students (although she was no longer a student in the district at this time, he would not sign online because the students at his school would try to talk with him). During this time she became so much more independent, mature, and more happy. She also overcame some huge hurdles of self abuse. They now IM infrequently to catch up, and it is a much healthier (although still not perfect), more professional relationship.
You are doing your daughter a service by following through with this. I pray that what has been going on is mostly innocent, but taking the first steps of questioning and acting will help regardless of whether it is innocent or not.</p>