Need Advice: The Boyfriend Dilemma

Parent Cafe
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<p>Why not ask her what she sees in him that you aren’t seeing? Maybe that will help give you a new perspective on the guy who seems more annoying that anything else.</p>

<p>I think wallpapering or some other major project is in order so you have something else to concentrate on while he is around (baking/sewing/spring cleaning/yard work?). D is well aware you don’t like him. She knows you’ll be there whatever she decides to do. The more you push (even in a very subtle way), the more her natural human tendency to react to that by defending him/looking for the good side/being faithful will surface. The lines of communication seem open, so you need to have confidence that she will indeed do the right thing.</p>

<p>A far away BF is great protection at college in that she has the best of both worlds–she has a safety valve friend she can talk to via phone, but she doesn’t have to worry about the perhaps frenzied dating scene on campus with all the sexual/party ramifications that might involve. </p>

<p>My experience was that there was really no such thing as “dating” in college. Rarely did people I know go out on a traditional date. It was more hanging out in groups, studying together, participating in campus activities together, maybe or maybe not hooking up. People are often living in the same dorm, eating together, and may not have a car/money/place to entertain a date. The only “dates” I had in college were to formal events. Most of the rest was just hanging out. S1s experience has confirmed this and I work on a campus.</p>

<p>Also be careful of that study abroad thing. If you think BF is problematic, wait until she comes back with a foreign fiance. That’s what I did almost 30 years ago and I’m not sure his parents or mine really recovered.</p>

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<p>I read through most posts. Abasket, I think that you have a clue as to why she is with bf. It is comfortable, she has her instant bf at home, and when she is away at school and she wants to study he is there by phone, but is otherwise not to be found. She is labeled as a person who has a longterm bf, so most guys will assume that she is not currently open to dating. It seems that she wants to be free to study, and not have her life complicated with a college bf, and she always has him at a long distance away while she’s at school should she want emotional support. It seems to working for her at this moment. I don’t think that this necessarily means that she views him to be her future husband (I know that you are choking on that thought). I also don’t think that she must find her potential husband at school. She is so young. She has plenty of time to date, and if she does not want to date at school I don’t see anything wrong with it. It does leave her open to having more time to participate in other interests at school.</p>

<p>Tango, I cross posted with you, and I agree.</p>

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<p>My boyfriend at that age looked like Charles Manson. Fortunately, my mother kept her mouth zipped since he has been my husband for the last 25 years.</p>

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<p>Similar-but-different situation here. I don’t mean to hijack the thread, but I would love some insight.</p>

<p>Current Boy and I met at our college’s accepted student days last April, stayed in touch over the summer, and have been dating since September. We’ve had some rough spots, but we’ve worked through those, and things are now positively blissful. His parents say I’m the daughter they never had, my parents adore him, my sister and his brother get along fantastically, and our respective sets of parents hang out even when we’re not around. We have many mutual friends but mostly separate social circles; we have overlapping interests (academic and extracurricular) but many separate ones, too. We are best friends, and everyone says we’re the cutest couple, but that’s never meant giving up our individual identities…</p>

<p>However, neither of us really dated in high school; we both lack relationship experience, which most of you say is crucial.</p>

<p>We’ve talked about whether to “take a break” from the relationship fall term, stay on good terms but date other people, then decide whether this is something we want to keep pursuing. I know that neither of us really wants that, because we’re so happy in this relationship and it seems silly to mess with something that’s going so well… but we worry sometimes about that grass-is-always-greener feeling, not having anything else to “compare” to, and everyone’s insistence that experience is so incredibly important.</p>

<p>But what if we do take a break only to realize that what we had was what we wanted all along? Is “experience” such a necessity that it’s worth breaking up for even if you’re in love and happy? What if the break changes everything and makes it harder to go back? …But then if we stay together, will we always wonder?</p>

<p>I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.</p>

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<p>Northeast, you probably hit the nail on the head (I hope). And yes, I choked. :)</p>

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<p>Abasket, your D sounds like my D and your relationship with her sounds like ours! My D is the joy of my life. I read most of the posts. It sounds like you can talk to her and still keep your relationship good, so don’t over focus (hard to do I know!) Just keep the conversation alive. Ask questions of interest that help you get to know “why this boy”. It will help you to know him better and it will get her to articulate about their relationship and make her think.</p>

<p>I have 2 S and they are the creative type and a little odd:) Take after H! But they are really good boys and extremely good to their gf’s. I know their have been parents who were pretty skeptical towards them. So from the other side, although her bf may not fit the mold we want for the perfect bf, he may fill the other needs she has.</p>

<p>My D found the perfect guy as a senior in hs. He had it all: looks (considered the catch of the school), smart, charming, polite, well liked by all. We were thrilled! He screwed up majorly and has left scars that have taken a long time to heal. Some that never will. So keep in mind what we want may not be best.</p>

<p>Keep the conversation alive, keep the relationship close. I believe in talking frankly with kids but respecting their choices. My Mom did not always tell me what she was thinking…wish she had, may have prevented some heartache…my kids know this and know I will always speak my mind, respectfully…and so do they!</p>

<p>Just keep loving her it is the best you can do!</p>

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<p>I have 3 “footloose and fancy free” boys at the moment. All considered physically attractive, and they have no trouble attracting females. But I have noticed that with these kids and their friends and classmates, a lack of committed couples. It seems like the kids these days in this area anyways are not into looking for secure partnerships or going steady as in our days. The lack of steadfast relationships here is particularly striking among the girls. I know that most females of my generation despite career aspirations, and wanting freedom, also wanted a secure one on one love relationship. That does not seem to be the case as much any more. In fact kids with “boyfriend” or “girlfriends” go out with others as well and it doesn’t seem to be an issue. Don’t know where this is heading in terms of long lasting relationships but here in the NYC area, kids are committing later and marrying later. Many kids here in their mid and late 20’s are still considered “kids” , not young adults. A striking difference in my mind from the way it was.</p>

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<p>Well, I don’t so insist.</p>

<p>People take different paths. I’m neither per se for or against such experience. Camelia, if you and he are happy the way you are, then I wouldn’t recommend disturbing things just for the sake of experience. Rather, I’d recommend trusting your and his own judgment that things are fine in the relationship, until such time as your or his own judgment says otherwise.</p>

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<p>cptofthehouse, I am seeing the same thing here.</p>

<p>Oh, and abasket, try not to choke, LOL! Perhaps a glass of water will help.</p>

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<p>My position here is closest to mini’s. I think that there are 10,000 (at least) things you could do with your time that would be more productive and conducive to your future happiness and peace on Earth generally than to discuss your daughter’s boyfriend’s shortcomings with her, either overtly (“Your boyfriend is a loser”) or indirectly (“Why don’t you get more dating experience?”).</p>

<p>I have to say, though, that I am interested and surprised at the number of people who say they wish their parents had criticized their boyfriends. I suspect there is a TON of hindsight at work there, but I have to acknowledge that maybe it could work.</p>

<p>However –</p>

<p>Look five years into the future. Essentially, there are three possibilities:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>They are married, or about to be. If this is what the future holds, intervening now would be like shooting yourself. You do NOT want to have this conversation about your son-in-law. He will have a million ways to get back at you for it, and he will use them. Maybe not even consciously, but he will. And you will deserve it. My parents made this mistake, and have suffered for it for the past 30 years. Not horrible, horrible suffering, but they have paid a very high price – with me and with my wife – for their doubts about her. </p></li>
<li><p>They have gone their separate ways. Whew! Glad that happened! (Or maybe not, maybe the next one you like less . . . ) Anyway, if you didn’t intervene, you dodged a bullet. If you did intervene, the odds are about equal that (a) your daughter is grateful to you, (b) your daughter is embarassed and resentful at your rubbing her face in what she knew already, or (c) your daughter hates you because you wrecked her life. Some of this may depend on how her romantic life has gone since then. She may have more experience of dating – do you know a lot of people whose early experiences with dating were positive? Anyway, if this is what the future holds, intervening now is the equivalent of playing Russian Roulette.</p></li>
<li><p>Both – they got married and then went their separate ways. This is essentially the same thing as #1 and #2 combined, with a lot more hair on it. The worst of all possible worlds. Intervening now would be like playing Russian Roulette without even knowing whether the gun has one chamber empty. There is a tiny chance that your daughter might one day respect you more for having foreseen disaster and tried to warn her, but she will have to get over a lot of anger at herself before she gets to that point, and you may not survive long enough to enjoy it.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>So, from my perspective, this is lose-lose-lose-lose for you. Do the wallpaper thing.</p>

<p>Also, remember: Although in your eyes, your daughter is perfect, the imperfections you see in this relationship are a reflection of her character, too. When you criticize the boyfriend, you are really criticizing her, and she will understand that and react accordingly. Maybe there’s really something there to criticize. If so, feel free to try, but do it with tact and gentleness, and do it forthrightly. Attacking the boyfriend may seem like an easier way to approach things, but I think it’s less honest and risks more collateral consequences than being straightforward.</p>

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<p>Absolutely this points out some of her shortcomings perhaps - of course she’s not perfect. </p>

<p>I could never “do the wallpaper” and totally ignore the situation. I don’t have that in me and she wouldn’t expect that or want that of me. She may not be typical, but this is a young woman who likes me as part of her life and we respect each other’s opinons on many things. We have always had a lot of closeness and conversation together - she called me twice a day all freshman year long (most days) cause she liked that routine. Even if it was to say “have a good day at work” and “I had a great day, goodnight”. </p>

<p>I think I have done most of the things suggested to a degree. Right now, I think I needed to hear others who have gone through similar situations and I needed simple guidance which many of you have generously given.</p>

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<p>It seems that your daughter has the control in this relationship, and she likes it that way. This is another version of the “he’s safe” observation. It may be important to her right now that she has this part of her life handled, with no insecurities or conflicts. Dating someone on an equal basis takes a lot of energy and involves risk, which she may not be ready for.
From what you have described, it doesn’t seem likely to me that these two will marry, although she may keep it going until graduation. I wouldn’t worry too much about missed opportunities in college. Most college-aged boys are not very mature and not ready for committed relationships. They are, however, interested in hooking up and one-night stands, and his relationship frees her from that type of pressure. It may be just a relationship, and not the person, that she needs. It’s working for her for now (she’s doing great in school) so I’d try to look at the positive side. He may be keeping her out of all kinds of trouble!<br>
She’s very young and inexperienced. This is a learning experience for her, and it seems harmless. Try to relax and trust her here. She’ll move on when she’s ready.</p>

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<p>I started dating my best guy friend after the first quarter of college (and were long distance for about a year before he transferred to my campus). He and I had known each other through four years of HS. I had four dates in HS; he had none. He lived six houses down the street. We had competed in classes, on the SAT, in ECs, you name it. We knew each other so well, it felt so comfortable, we both were serious in our intentions. Our parents were all thrilled – girl nerd and boy nerd find love.</p>

<p>But boy, oh boy, when the BF got sexist and demeaning, it was hard to break up. There was enough truth in his criticisms that I bought into it. Part of me wanted to be rescued from the flaws of my family. I was so invested in the relationship it was unimaginable to let go. If I couldn’t keep a relationship with the guy I knew best in the world, how on on earth would I ever find love with a perfect stranger? </p>

<p>I actually asked my dad for advice, in a kind of roundabout way. He was statrioned overseas at the time and I wrote him a long letter from college. He missed the point (or maybe he didn’t want to hear what I was trying to say!). </p>

<p>I heard a lot of the “date around” advice from my mom, and it always struck me as vaguely skanky – but maybe because there were less overt sexual expectations in her generation vs. mine. It is not advice I passed on to my kids. I suggested being honest, thoughful, open-minded, a good listener, a good cook, a great dancer, widely read, considerate, able to disagree constructively, decently groomed (well, they didn’t listen to THAT one!)…</p>

<p>Abasket, your D knows your concerns. She respects your advice. Just be there and listen. Maybe she likes having a BF without the day-to-day drama. She seems to have a strong sense of herself and her values, and she’s doing great in school. Maybe being a good sounding board is enough for now. I suspect you’ll know if she starts having serious worries.</p>

<p>Camellia,
If you and BF don’t want to see other people, don’t. You are both mature, intelligent people and you don’t need X number of partners to know if a relationship works for you. Keep your eyes, ears and brain focused on the one you have and if there are issues that need addressing (either through the relationship or by breaking up), deal with them then.</p>

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<p>“It seems that your daughter has the control in this relationship, and she likes it that way. This is another version of the “he’s safe” observation. It may be important to her right now that she has this part of her life handled, with no insecurities or conflicts. Dating someone on an equal basis takes a lot of energy and involves risk, which she may not be ready for.”</p>

<p>Very possibly true!</p>

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<p>Wallpaper does not mean ignore the situation. </p>

<p>Obviously, your relationship with your D, and your concern for her future, are to be treasured. </p>

<p>Rather, as I see it, wallpaper means something like have your own projects.</p>

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<p>abasket, I understand that the bf annoys you. My question is, does he make your daughter happy?</p>

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<p>abasket - you have gotten some very good advice here. I know it’s hard to stay out of it - but I’m sure your D knows how you feel. </p>

<p>Camelia - I agree with the other posters - if you’re both happy in your relationship, there is no reason to end things.</p>

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<p>Carmelia - I don’t think people should try to force to stay together or apart. You will stay together because it feels right. You will part when the feeling isn’t there any more. If you try to stay apart now just because…you probably will start drifting back again anyway. But if you no longer have that special feeling for each other any more, a marriage license couldn’t keep you together. Enjoy each, don’t try to over analyze.</p>

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<p>Personal likes and dislikes aside, I think there are some ground rules for healthy relationships. Discussing what you see are violations of basic respect, kindness and good manners I think can be instructive as to bottom line behavior expectations for this as well as future relationships. In general, it can be brought up as part of what any of us want for our kids, rather than pointing fingers at this young man in particular, irritating though he may be. Similar to what is recommended for earlier phases of child raising, object to the behavior, not the person. A good ground rule for interactions, regardless of age. You value her, and want her treated with respect, in whatever situation she finds herself. </p>

<p>This perspective is born of personal experience, being rather intrinsically caretaking, as well as surrounded only by kindness growing up. When married, as being self absorbed crossed the line to emotional abuse, I didin’t know enough to protest or have the self respect to draw the line. As Counting Down says, there is enough truth in the criticism that it does feel valid in the moment. Hopefully your D as well as other young women of this generation have better understanding for emotional abuse as a syndrome, rather than being caught unaware in situations that are spiraling in unhealthy directions. Knowing young hearts though, and how innocent they can be, theoretical knowledge is not necessarily sufficient. </p>

<p>Regardless, as mentioned above, a long distance relationship in college may be the best of all possible worlds.</p>

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<p>My brother married someone we all had doubts about. She seemed needy, she had some quirks, she had one personal grooming habit that drove us all bananas and she was always late. As far as I know no one said anything to my brother. Almost twenty years later, I can see her good qualities so much better. No one could be a better Mom. She’s fun, she’s smart, she’s passionate about various causes. She’s still quirky. She still has a few habits I wish she didn’t have. She’s still always late, but we all love her.</p>