need advice with 16 yr old daughter

[Greenery]

<p>I’m sure Baylor is very handsome and probably he is right…today even 16 years old are looking for Sexual experiences. Baylor you follow your heart…nothing wrong to be in the cautious side.</p>

<p>A friend’s son has the same problem…girls pursues him, call him at home and wants Sex from him. His mother had to buy him “c” for if ever the occasion pressures him so much! Some girls at that age are determine to get what they want, spread rumors of B when they get rejected and can cause a lot of problems.</p>

<p>An we are talking about 16-17 years…this is what is going on. A parent that wait to talk with their kids at that age probably is too late. Today parents need to have the “talk” with the children at early age…otherwise they will be for big surprises or problems such as the OP have been kind to share with us.</p>

<p>Baylor don’t allow the pressure of others make you doubt in your beliefs! There is nothing wrong to socialize in groups, have friends and always to be in the cautios side. They are time for everything in life. At 16, studies should be the primary goal and to prepare for the future at work.</p>

[nngmm]

<p>

An we are talking about 16-17 years…this is what is going on. A parent that wait to talk with their kids at that age probably is too late. Today parents need to have the “talk” with the children at early age…otherwise they will be for big surprises or problems such as the OP have been kind to share with us.

It sounds to me that the OP did plenty of talking, and the daughter is well informed. She is also not doing anything grossly inappropriate. Obviously, different people and different families feel differently of what is appropriate at 16, but most, I think, agree that her actions do not call for any drastic measures.</p>

[Nrdsb4]

<p>

Some girls at that age are determine to get what they want, spread rumors of B when they get rejected and can cause a lot of problems.

</p>

<p>This kind of behavior is absolutely not limited to girls. But I think it’s very prudent of your friend to carry condoms “just in case he is too pressured.” Not a bad idea for the girls, either. </p>

<p>Everyone who is sexually active needs to take responsibility for their behavior-anyone who does not want to become a parent or acquire a STD should not leave the responsibility of birth control in their partner’s hands. There is no contraceptive which is 100% effective other than abstaining, so each person needs to do their part to prevent unwanted outcomes. </p>

<p>I have actually heard of cases where men go to court to attempt to obtain a lifelong exemption from paying child support because of claims that the woman “lied” about being on bc pills. That really chaps me.</p>

[Baelor]

<p>

I have been in many groups in classes where I was the only guy in the group or had to partner up and worked with a female. Would you be uncomfortable working closely for long periods of time with females?

</p>

<p>No. What I don’t understand is why this working would be in a bedroom, for example, versus a library, lounge, etc.</p>

<p>

What do you mean the situation is in control out of respect for the female?

</p>

<p>Most of my close female friends have boyfriends, and are very traditional in beliefs/demeanor – being alone in extremely private areas (think dorm room) with someone with whom they’re not involved poses potential problems.</p>

<p>

Baelor has also hijacked the “advice on sleeping arrangements” in the parent’s thread with his moralistic comments. I really wish people would stop engaging with him - he’s become quite boring.

</p>

<p>I know; this is now quite dull.</p>

[bulletandpima]

<p>Baelor many kids prefer dorm rooms because it is more comfortable than a lounge or a library. Think drinking sodas, eating food and a comfy bed to sit on where you can laugh and joke without disturbing others instead of hard chairs and whispering.</p>

<p>Additionally, I don’t know about Princeton, but at my kids colleges they can use their laptops to access any book in the library without stepping foot into the library. Thus, there is no need to go to the library.</p>

<p>If you believe being alone with the opposite sex in a dorm room causes potential problems, than you should realize that the relationship is rocky to start with. My DS is in a relationship and that is not an issue for either of them. TRUST is why it is not an issue. His gf is in a different scholars program than him, they only see each other 1X during the week and then they spend the weekends together. He has study groups that meet in his dorm, and some of them are female, his gf doesn’t worry. The same is true for her, and DS is not concerned that there is a bed and maybe she will cheat on him with someone in the group. Fact is if either had an attraction to someone in their group or class they would be able to act on those feelings without the existence of the dorm.</p>

<p>Your theory that the gf may be hit on or she would act upon it, is saying a lot on how you perceive relationships. I have more male friends than I can count and Bullet always sees me greet them with a hug and a kiss. I call them suge or sweetie, but Bullet knows that this is how I show affection and I see them no differently than I see my brother. People can be affectionate without a sexual overtone. Bullet also always hugs and kisses my gfs and I can guarantee you I don’t leap to the fact that they are going to have an affair. </p>

<p>FYI, we did this when we were both in college, not married. We also went to college in 2 different states. He knew I studied or went out in groups with guys and I was faithful. I knew he hung with girls. I never once doubted he would cheat on me because he was studying in her dorm room.</p>

[Baelor]

<p>

Baelor many kids prefer dorm rooms because it is more comfortable than a lounge or a library. Think drinking sodas, eating food and a comfy bed to sit on where you can laugh and joke without disturbing others instead of hard chairs and whispering.

</p>

<p>The lounges in my res college are areas where we can do all of those things (they are everywhere and small, so that we can be alone in them). </p>

<p>And no one is allowed in my bedroom at all, regardless of gender – it is my private space! The idea of someone being on my bed is disgusting because I want it to be absolutely clean at all times. But that really is neither here nor there.</p>

<p>The point is – dorm rooms provide nothing that cannot be had elsewhere, so there is no reason to use them versus another area.</p>

<p>

If you believe being alone with the opposite sex in a dorm room causes potential problems, than you should realize that the relationship is rocky to start with.

</p>

<p>Wrong – if you have been taught since birth that being alone anywhere truly private with someone of the opposite gender is wrong, then the relationship isn’t rocky as a result of that preference, because it is a blanket stance that applies to everyone. This is not the case for me (I have chosen to follow this policy, the reasons being numerous – I can list and explain if you would like).</p>

<p>

Your theory that the gf may be hit on or she would act upon it, is saying a lot on how you perceive relationships.

</p>

<p>I’m not saying that at all.</p>

<p>

People can be affectionate without a sexual overtone

</p>

<p>Obviously. I am affectionate. But there are boundaries.<br>

[quote]
</p>

[Nrdsb4]

<p>Maybe I misinterpreted Baelor’s posts, but I understood that he would never be alone with a girl to whom he might feel attracted, particularly a serious girlfriend, rather than just anyone of the opposite sex. In which case, I think that’s a good policy for someone who really wants to stay celibate until marriage. Why torture oneself?</p>

<p>Oops, cross posted with Baelor.</p>

[romanigypsyeyes]

<p>Wow, Baelor, I couldn’t imagine running into someone like you at college. We ONLY hang out in people’s dorm rooms. They’re so much nicer and more comfortable. If you have an issue with people sitting on your bead, just put a sheet over it or something. Nobody uses lounges or anything around here- everything is in dorm rooms.</p>

[bulletandpima]

<p>

Wrong – if you have been taught since birth that being alone anywhere truly private with someone of the opposite gender is wrong, then the relationship isn’t rocky as a result of that preference, because it is a blanket stance that applies to everyone. This is not the case for me (I have chosen to follow this policy, the reasons being numerous – I can list and explain if you would like).

</p>

<p>So let me ask a question…in 5 yrs from now you are in the workforce, everyone has left for the day, and you and a female colleague must get a project done. Do you say let’s go to a restaurant to do the work instead of the office, because in your office you have a sofa?</p>

<p>I respect for you this is a personal issue, but the rigidity in your beliefs makes me feel for you. You are missing so much in life by making things black and white when it comes to people of the opposite sex.</p>

<p>I hope you realize that studies have been done regarding the most successful CEOs and the majority of them were successful not based on their college degree, but the ability to socialize with the common person. I am not saying you are shy or private in real life. I am saying the gray issues become big factors in the corporate world. You are currently saying that you need/desire special requirements to be alone with the opposite sex.</p>

<p>BTW could you please rub off some of your cleanliness regarding your dorm on our DS? His room would drive you insane, after 2 yrs in college I have seen his bed made 2x. Both times it was move in day only :eek:</p>

[emeraldkity4]

<p>*16, you shouldn’t be shortening the leash. What you should be doing is let them grow. The girl is going to be an adult very soon. *</p>

<p>I very strongly agree.
I have raised my kids giving them more and more responsibility for relevant decisions starting when pretty young. I think it is important for children to develop reasoning powers, self control and learn from logical consequences.</p>

<p>Yes it is difficult to watch your child make a choice that you don’t think will work out, yes it is difficult to trust that the safety net you have tried to weave will hold when they go farther and farther out on that tightrope-but they need to know that they can trust their own judgement.</p>

<p>If your child has not had the opportunity to make thoughtful choices throughout childhood and adolescence, including what they learn from mistakes ( because we learn more from mistakes than we do when everything goes smoothly), do you really think that once they turn 18 a magic switch will turn on and they will have a base of knowledge on which to draw? Or are you anticipating they will call home everyday for advice? </p>

[jonri]

<p>Back to the OP’s question. </p>

<p>I think sex belongs in marriage. However, I told my offspring that many people I think are good and decent people disagree with that. It’s a personal decision and I would respect the choice they made–while making it VERY clear which choice I thought was the right one-- as long as they waited until they were adults to make it and they understood that they, and not I, would deal with any repercussions. That’s part of the reason they had to wait. The other was that before 18–and in many cases after that–people are simply too immature to deal with the consequences. You have to be 18 to vote and I think it takes at least as much maturity to have sex as it does to vote. In our state (NY) the age of consent for both intercourse and oral sex is 17. I think it’s 18 in California. </p>

<p>I pointed out to my D that if all that was necessary to “keep” a boy was to have sex with him , there would be far fewer divorces. So, she should never do something she didn’t want to do because some guy threatened to break up with her if she didn’t. He would do it anyway.</p>

<p>I also pointed out something about the girls who were having sex or giving oral sex to boys at a very early age. There are some exceptions, of course. However, as a group, they were less mature than their age-mates. I said that kids who became intimate at 14 or 15 were even sadder and more pathetic than the kids who took cars for joy rides at the same age. </p>

<p>Now, our local nun used to run a funny sex ed program. She’s a really wonderful person and the kids love her. Anyway, she’d give the kids each a package of potato chips and tell them not to open it. Then, they just go on and discuss other things. After a while, she said they could open it and have one chip. They talk about other things for a while and then she’d let them have a couple. Wait less time, eat more chips but still leave more in the bag uneaten. (Some kids caved and ate them, BTW.) </p>

<p>The point was that the more of the chips you ate, the harder it was to stop. Then she’d tell them that sex was like that. If you didn’t do anything, it was a bit tempting to open the package, but almost everyone can resist. But the further you went, the harder it was to stop. Of course, at the time, the kids would all laugh at her–but some of them remembered it. </p>

<p>Now, I personally don’t think that 16 year old girls should be petting and , if the OP’s D did so and joked about it with a friend, then I think that in and of itself proves she’s too immature to be doing what she did. And that’s the message I would send her. </p>

<p>I realize that many young people are having sex at young ages. Putting aside my own personal moral beliefs, I think that’s just plain wrong. I enjoy wine. That doesn’t mean I think 16 year olds should be drinking; I don’t. I don’t care if half the high school kids in the US drink; my offspring weren’t permit to do it except for a toast on New Year’s Eve or some other special event–and then it was a sip. (On the flipside, at 18, I thought they were mature enough to dirnk and I think the 21 law is silly.) I don’t “get” parents who wouldn’t let their kids drink at 16 but think it’s pefectly okay for them to have sex. </p>

<p>Moreover, neither BC nor condoms give protection against herpes, so if I were the OP, I’d make sure that my D understood that. </p>

<p>So, again, if I were the OP, I’d sit my D down, tell her that I’d overheard the conversation and that I was concerned because she was engaging in conduct that I think is age inappropriate. I’d draw analogies to drinking and driving . I’d also say that the fact she thought this was something to joke about indicated to me that she was doing this out of just plain childish curiousity or a misguided effort to keep up with her friends and not because she wanted to share something special with someone she is truly in love with. I’d also tell her that the more often this happens, the harder it’s going to be to stop both herself and the guy. And, if she’s bragging to her girlfriend, she can be DARN sure her boyfriend is bragging to his friends and it isn’t about being in love for him either. They both are behaving like the 16 year olds who think that drinking proves they are “mature.” </p>

<p>So, again, if I were the OP, I’d talk to my D and tell her how I feel about what she’s done.</p>

[Kelowna]

<p>I just wanted to point out that not all teenagers engage in sexual activity very early on. Kissing does not mean that you are going to have sex next!
Many of us have had only one sexual partner in life, despite kissing with a few ;)</p>

<p>Why do I get an impression that many here look at teenagers only as beings overwhelmed by hormones? Yes, I am not denying that they are but they are also thinking human beings who can view sex as something beautiful that is worth waiting for a right person and a right moment in life.</p>

[Chedva]

<p>

then I think that in and of itself proves she’s too immature to be doing what she did. And that’s the message I would send her.

Telling a kid that she’s “too immature” to do something is the fastest way to get her to do it.</p>

[jonri]

<p>K, if your post is in response to mine, I totally agree. But the OP’s D has gone further than kissing and personally I don’t think a 16 year old girl who is calling a friend to laugh and joke about petting with her boyfriend is someone who is viewing “sex as something beautiful that is worth waiting for a right person and a right moment in life.”</p>

[jonri]

<p>C, I think it’s the way you tell a kid that that matters. And, what the OP is doing now clearly isn’t working for her.</p>

[oldfort]

<p>I think just because OP’s daughter laughed about it on the phone doesn’t mean she takes it lightly. Many teenagers act one way with their friends (to be accepted), and they act/think differently when they are by themselves. Many people do laugh when they are embarrassed too.</p>

[Nrdsb4]

<p>

I just wanted to point out that not all teenagers engage in sexual activity very early on. Kissing does not mean that you are going to have sex next!

</p>

<p>Very true. But kissing while shirtless is really going to increase the chances that they move on to bigger and better. Seriously, most teenagers who have sex for the first time don’t just jump in the sack and start humping. They’ve worked their way up with consecutive makeout sessions which go just a little further each time.</p>

[bulletandpima]

<p>Off topic for a second, but the term “petting” drives me insane. </p>

<p>To me it is:
A. A term that is reminiscent of the 50’s.
B. It immediately makes my skin crawl because I pet my dog and cat, I feel that the term of petting denigrates the woman as she is a pet.</p>

<p>Back on topic.</p>

<p>I don’t believe the OP said she was joking about it. She was in deed IMHO not showing maturity in discussing the issue. Joking and flippant are two different things.</p>

<p>I agree that sex on teenage level is taken to a point of non-chalant attitude. I part ways with you and the following comment

“sex as something beautiful that is worth waiting for a right person and a right moment in life.”

</p>

<p>I don’t buy into it is beautiful and worth waiting for the right person, and right time. My reason that I have taught my children to wait is that it has consequences and you need to be mature enough to handle the consequences. Don’t lie in bed with someone without realizing when you get out of that bed your life could be altered forever, i.e. pregnant or STD. </p>

<p>I think playing the beautiful card actually creates the wrong illusion for the 16 yo. Tell me what 16 yo dating someone for 6 months does not believe that this is LOVE? They all think it is true love, and we as parents don’t get it. Now tell me if you said to them that condoms only have a 98% protection and that they can be one of those 2% that they will re-think it from a logical standpoint.</p>

<p>Bullet is my one and only, but as I have stated I didn’t commit sexually to him earlier on because of any other reason that I knew the consequences that my actions might have on my life. I wasn’t willing to throw college away or have an abortion until I knew that this was it for me. I had many bf’s before him, and was sexually active to a point, but the consequence is what motivated me, not the love issue. I thought I was in love with the previous bfs. I was a serial long term committed dater. I dated one guy for 3 yrs. If the OP was my Mom she would have faced the same dilemma, but hopefully her result will be the same as my Mom. 3 yrs of dating him and we broke up, but I was still a Virgin. Don’t take the leap that this means she will sleep with him, because I am living proof that by taking the leap you were wrong. OBTW I met Bullet 2 yrs later after the break up and had a couple of relationships in between. Bullet also broke up with me for 10 months while we were in college (long distance relationship). I dated guys, but as I stated he is still my only 1. I always put consequence in my decision, it was never about emotion.</p>

<p>Sexual experimentation does not mean that they do not value their virginity. Many kids experiment without crossing the line over to intercourse.</p>

[Nrdsb4]

<p>

A. A term that is reminiscent of the 50’s.
B. It immediately makes my skin crawl because I pet my dog and cat, I feel that the term of petting denigrates the woman as she is a pet.

</p>

<p>“Heavy petting” is not a term used exclusively in reference to a woman, it is an activity taken on by both/to both.</p>

<p>But we all have our verbal pet peeves.</p>

<p>What’s wrong with the 50’s? I used to think I was born 20 years too late as growing up in the 50’s seemed like it would have been more fun than growing up during Disco fever like I did. Oh well, there probably isn’t really such a thing as “the good old days.”</p>

[bulletandpima]

<p>I have never heard of someone referencing touching a man as petting, but I have heard it often regarding women, so that is why it is my pet peeve. </p>

<p>If you want to time warp yourself marry someone in the military. You still have the Leave It To Beaver families as the norm in the military.</p>

<p>Back on topic.</p>