<p>That’s more effort than it’s worth. Our dorm room has a common room. There are lounges and kitchens everywhere. My bedroom is my private space and is inviolable. There is no reason whatsoever for anyone to be in my bedroom at all under any circumstances.</p>
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<p>It depends. I’m not going to answer definitively because it would depend on the situation. But honestly, that would probably make me somewhat uncomfortable. Not because of my personality or anything that relates only to me, but just that I find it inappropriate for any people of the opposite sex to be alone for extended periods of time like that.</p>
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<p>You believe that I’m missing something. I do not. I could believe that murder is not a black-and-white issue and that you are missing so much by restricting yourself. It’s the same thing. It’s a black-and-white issue to me; the only reason you “feel for me” is that you don’t consider it such. I believe that my policy is actually liberating.</p>
<p>“Heavy petting” references a makeout session with various degrees of touching/groping - i.e. foreplay; not limited to one sex. It is a term which has become outdated, as has been noted.</p>
<p>OP-</p>
<p>Have you spoken further with your daughter? Make sure you close out your CC sessions when you leave the computer or you’re going to have some ‘splainin’ to do."</p>
<p>Nngm said: ”She is also not doing anything grossly inappropriate. Obviously, different people and different families feel differently of what is appropriate at 16, but most, I think, agree that her actions do not call for any drastic measures.”</p>
<p>BEYOND DOUBT…very INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT:</p>
<p>-The Daughter met this kid for 3 month: Maybe not bad.
-The “D” “made out" in the kid’s car for some length of time=Playing with fire=INAPPROPRIATE.
-The daughter ended up with her shirt off = playing with fire again=INAPPROPRIATE.
-The daughter lie to her mom and denied the facts= INAPPROPRIATE.</p>
<p>this is so not how college works. Sometimes, you HAVE to work with people. Alone. Yes, with members of the opposite sex. <em>gasp</em> omg, did you hear, she worked on her French project ALONE with a guy. SCANDALOUS</p>
<p>Back to the OP and her daughter… I agree that telling kids to wait until it’s the “right” person may not work if your kid is a romantic. D had a BF that DH and I didn’t care for. He ran hot and cold on how he treated her, and he drank (don’t ask me how I knew that, but I did). We have a good relationship with D, and she’s a great kid - but I’m convinced that our disapproval only pushed the couple closer together, and kept them together longer. What’s more romantic than “forbidden love”? Isn’t that the theme of a gazillion movies? The more we pointed out BF’s shortcomings, the more we turned the whole relationship into Romeo and Juliet. It’s been a couple of years since they finally broke up, and looking back on it D totally “gets” our point of view - in fact she thinks the way BF treated her bordered on emotional abuse, and she has wondered if he’s going to end up as an alcoholic. But none of that mattered at the time, they were in “love” and she was going to save him and make him a better person… in fact their song was “Nobody Wanna See Us Together” by Akon. </p>
<p>It’s not an easy situation for a parent. Reminding the OP’s D of the consequences of sex in a calm, realistic and factual way (rather than screaming “You’ll get pregnant and never go to college and die of AIDS!”) may be the best way to go.</p>
<p>Why do you find it inappropiate for any people of the opposite sex to be alone for extended periods of time?</p>
<p>I will give you an example of a group I was in last semester. There were two girls and I was the only guy in the group. One of the girls lived at home, so since there was more room there so we used her house to work on the project. Since this was a big project, we spent many hours on it. What would you do in that situation?</p>
<p>I agree with Baelor on this one. It’s not even about something happening. It’s just an uncomfortable situation to be in, especially if you are involved with someone, because a lot of people (even co-workers, in some cases, and definitely college-age kids) tend to be overly friendly and flirtatious. I know this comes up in life, but I think you should just talk about what needs to get done and not get into small talk, etc., unless you are actually interested in that person.</p>
<p>It definitely seems like there are fewer boundaries now days (maybe it just seems this way). For example, I don’t want people of the opposite gender to hug me. It’s uncomfortable. But a lot of time people just assume it’s OK. My friend’s boyfriend always tries to give me a hug, and I barely know him. This is just one example. But my point it, with this lack of boundaries, I would rather not be in an uncomfortable situation.</p>
<p>red said: "The daughter never lied about anything because the mother never confronted the daughter about taking her shirt off.”</p>
<p>How do you call the fact that the OP said: “She told me not to worry; that they were not doing anything except kissing. I know she is lying to me and that also disappoints me.”</p>
<p>I call that LYING and a deceitful answer to the mother…</p>
<p>BTW it seems that Baylor is somebody with a lot of common sense! Follow your analysis Baylor it will keep you out of trouble…wisdom is your best friend.</p>
<p>I’m in the minority here, or maybe in a party-of-one, but I don’t think it’s so awful that the D “laughed” with her friend about having her shirt off with the BF. Again, it depends on everything else about the D – her maturity level, responsibility, drive, personal integrity, etc. If she was saying it to boast or score points, to me, that would be bad – NOT because of the shirt off scenario, but because of the lack of integrity that shows.</p>
<p>I really believe that sex needs to be separated from all these other measures of a person. I would much rather have a sexually active D who is strong, hard working, compassionate, honorable, etc, than a judgmental, moralizing, narrow-minded, controlling virgin.</p>
<p>Just because you laugh about something doesn’t mean you took it lightly.</p>
<p>I’ve had some really intense cultural experiences … but how do I tell people? I say, “I’m a third culture kid … so I’m kind of from nowhere and everywhere,” and then try to laugh to make it less awkward. It’s more of a social skills cue. You laugh to make people more at ease. She didn’t want her friend to think she thought of it as a bad experience. Doesn’t mean she took it lightly.</p>
<p>Also re lying to the mother. There is lying, and there is betrayal. This is very subjective and dependent on your specific moral views. In the big scheme of things, for me, being lied to about sex (which happened with my D) is a much lesser crime than, say, stealing a dollar out of my wallet. Or talking trash about her brother to others. Or not standing up for him. Of course, this is all my opinion. Everyone has their standards, and the important thing is to be consistent.</p>
<p>Now that I say that, I was fully aware how inconsistent my behavior was, back when my D was 16. I told her I didn’t want her to have sex, that she was too young, and I didn’t want that kind of vulnerability for her when she wasn’t old enough to handle it. BUT, we took her to get BC pills. I told her I would not tolerate them having sex in my home, but did not prohibit her from going to BF’s home, where I knew they might be alone. (I did tell her that she had to behave in a way that was respectful to his family.) It was a case of choosing my battles and not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. As a parent, sometimes you have to keep an eye on the big picture.</p>
<p>Define a lot. I have many female friends and I am a guy. We are very friendly with each other and have fun just hanging out together. Some of them have boyfriends and they know we hang out. Like somebody stated earlier, it’s all about trust.</p>
<p>You can’t have small talk when you’re alone with somebody of the opposite sex if you’re not interested in them? Why? I love having small talk with people. It’s interesting to know other people’s hobbies, their views on things, etc. That’s what life is all about. You need to get out there and get out of your comfort zone.</p>
<p>red said; Fewer boundaries now days? Like what?
-few boundaries such as parents allowing 15 and 16 year old to have sex, i.e in the BF house; or giving the pill or “c” for protection because the kid cannot say “NO”.</p>
<p>red asked: What would be the difference if somebody else was there or not?
Control, protection, prevention and a witness of situation.</p>
<p>Just a question, and please, please do not comment…</p>
<p>Any parents here who are not putting their 16 year old daughter on a birth control pill due to the fact that she is dating? I guess I am just looking for a head count…</p>
<p>My daughter is well past 16 now, but I certainly didn’t put her on bc when she was 16 just because she was dating.</p>
<p>I guess my D is just a lot different than some of your Ds. I don’t mean she is or was some saint. It was that she knew my views and it would have been weird for her as well as yours truly if I had handed her birth control because that would have sent a very inconsistent message. I’ll also admit that I was perfectly confident that should my D and her then bf decide to defy the values of both their families and have sex the two of them would be responsible enough to figure out how to get access to birth control. </p>
<p>But in all honesty, my D at 16 was mature enough not to want to have sex out of curiousity or as an experiment but not mature enough to truly be in love or feel like having sex. It just never got that serious. I mean she never pictured herself eventually marrying this guy.</p>