<p>Having sex with someone who is not your spouse after getting married is very different from sharing an emotional connection. Plus, what is the “line” to be crossed in emotional connections? The emotions develop and change anyways, if I’m not betraying my partner by sneaking behind their back and having sex with someone else, I don’t see why I can’t keep a strong emotional connection.</p>
<p>^^ Sleeping with and being emotionally close are two dramatically different things. They are two completely different types of love and closeness.</p>
<p>Amazing - what’s happening to the morale of people and our society!!</p>
<p>Isn’t it a good thing to have a high morale?
Or did you mean to use * moral* ? It isn’t clear.</p>
<p>Such as a young 16 girl taking a shirt off and making out with her boyfriend for a long time=</p>
<p>Again, while that is apparently what she told her friend, as her mother overheard it- since it is hearsay- we don’t know it to be fact-</p>
<p>Again, since at 18 she will be an adult, and since most young people of good general health are sexually mature when they have completed puberty ( girls @ 14, boys @ 15 or 16), defining a 16 yr old as " a young girl" in this context is neither accurate or helpful.
<a href=“http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/children/parents/parents-teens/445.html[/url]”>http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/children/parents/parents-teens/445.html</a></p>
<p>Realizing that they will not be able to control their child’s every decision forever is terrifying to some parents apparently.</p>
<p>However, when you have confidence in your guidance & example as they were growing up and know that they have learned to make thoughtful decisions, stepping back and letting them take more responsibility for their lives, is bittersweet, as you know you have prepared them so well that you are all but superfluous.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I imagine that for those parents, who have not ever let their children make any important decisions- because they are " young & irresponsible", watching them turn 18 and go off to college/their own lives, must be terrifying.
:(</p>
<p>First of all, I think the relationship between a parents and children and spouses is very different. I think you can get an outside opinion, but your spouse needs to know and be OK with it. If you spoke about it before hand and decided that, just in general (you don’t have to have the talk every time), you are both OK talking to other people about your relationship, that’s OK, but I believe it’s something you have to talk about. You can’t just one day start talking about your personal problems (between the two of you) with people (I do think there are certain exceptions). I also disagree that you have to discuss your problems with other people. I think the most beneficial thing to do is actually to discuss and resolve it with your spouse. I know people who believe in not talking about their relationship, and they have definitely not gone crazy (in some cases, they have been married for decades).</p>
<p>Here’s a question. You can be physically involved with someone with no romantic feelings for them (purely for the physical benefits), and it’s still cheating, right? So, why can’t you have a non-physical relationship and still be cheating.</p>
<p>I guess it comes down to whether or not you believe you can emotionally cheat on someone or if cheating is only physical. I think if you trust someone with your feelings, hopes, ups, and downs, etc. more than your spouse, talk to them more than to your spouse, are more yourself with them than your spouse, you have crossed a line. Of course, if you don’t believe in emotional affairs, all my points make no sense.</p>
<p>^ Because you are equating a close, emotional friendship with being “involved”. </p>
<p>I do think you can emotionally cheat on someone. I also think that there is a pretty thick line between being very close emotionally as friends and having some sort of romantic relationship with someone.</p>
<p>However, I don’t think I should ever have to have my best friend OKed by my SO. I don’t need my SO to analyze my relationships. I think it would be sad for me to have to make sure it was OK with my man to have a close, emotional friendship. That’s way overbearing and controlling IMO.</p>
<p>^^I also believe you can emotionally cheat on someone. I just don’t believe all strong emotional connections are acts of cheating/betrayal.
As for how I act, in my case–it isn’t as much as having more trust in my best friend (a guy, and I’m a girl) or feeling more like myself when I’m with him–it’s the fact that he was there for me at the worst point in my life when everything I had was crashing down around me. He knows that me–and we are strongly bonded together because of it. But I’m not in love with him. I love him to be sure but he doesn’t function as my boyfriend/partner/significant other.</p>
<p>@the original topic: I choose to remain a virgin because I don’t think I’m ready for the emotional fallout that comes with sex. I’ve had a couple of boyfriends and we’ve made out but I draw my line at sex (of any form). I want to wait until I’m ready. So for me the shirt off is a bold act but doesn’t mean sex is imminent.</p>
<p>I realize I can’t convince anyone, but I will clarify. Every year (if not every day), many people are hurt by non-sexual relationships that their partner has with someone else. If you believe it’s all about physical closeness, fine. Some people would prefer a physical affair to an emotional one (many books, articles, etc. have been written about this subject). Emotional betrayal, which, by the way can also involve sneaking around and lying to prevent the partner from finding out about just how close the two people are, can be just as painful.</p>
<p>If you don’t care how close your spouse is with someone, how much they talk to them, how many secrets (that they may at the same time keep from you) they share, how much they trust someone, how they start to feel closer to that person than you, how they would rather spend time with them, then you don’t care. They may care if you do it to them. They may not. If you are both OK with it, it’s your choice, although I don’t think it’s the right one.</p>
<p>To me “forsaking all others” is not just about sleeping with people, and I would not have been sleeping with anyone anyways, so it wouldn’t even matter. I am going to choose a person who is going to have their strongest and most important connection with me (apart from any possible children). Someone who doesn’t need, want, or think about female friends (much like I don’t want any male friends) - not because of me, but because they just don’t care for or want any. I have met couples that are like that, and I have met individuals with those beliefs. I will never settle for anything less, because, in the end, I don’t need to get married, and if I don’t happen to find a person with similar values, I am happy to be on my own and have a job that I love, volunteer and do rescue work, and raise my animals. </p>
<p>I got into this debate because I feel strongly about some of the issues, but I can’t convince anyone, and it’s a little silly to try, because a lot of these things don’t have clear definition. It’s the sort of thing you don’t recognize until you do. I think that it’s something to think about and, at least, something to discuss with your partner. That’s really all I can say on the matter.</p>
<p>I would agree that not all emotional connections are emotional affaird but where we disagree is that I think it’s a think line to walk.</p>
<p>romanigypsyeyes, you certainly don’t need to have your friendships approved. But what if one day you say something to your friend or talk to him about something that makes your fiance really uncomfortable. Maybe he won’t say anything or ask you to stop the friendship, but if you knew it made him unhappy and uncomfortable, would you not stop it for him, just because you love him and he is the most important guy in the world to you? Would he not do the same for you?</p>
<p>And just like you don’t want to spend your life worrying about having your relationships approved, I don’t want to spend my life with a man who is strongly attached to another woman (even as a friend). That’s my choice.</p>
<p>dfa4ever, personally, I would not want to marry or have a relationship with a man who loved another woman (outside of family, of course), even if they weren’t in love.</p>
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<p>I have already denied that…</p>
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<p>First off, he would talk to me. We’re not really good at hiding our emotions from one another. Secondly, if he (we’ll call my fiance D to keep things straight) had an issue with my best friend (we’ll call him N) then we would have to talk about it. Do I think I would change my relationship with N? Probably not because N and I have been best friends since before D and I started dating. We would have to work at the underlying issues of why D is suddenly not OK with N. Especially since N and D are also very good friends (and yes, they are close emotionally as well). </p>
<p>D was very close emotionally to one of his exes. I never had an issue with it because I realized that there was a reason that they were not together. Plus, they were good friends before I ever came into the picture. I never had any issue with this relationship. Since then, he has had numerous very close, emotionally close, relationships to men that I have no issue with (he is also bi but gravitates toward men). I think that the more love a person has in one’s life, the better. Plus, I trust him and I know that he doesn’t have eyes for anybody but me (as corny as that sounds… I’m tired, I can’t think of any other way to put it). He even has emotional relationships with people that don’t like me, and I’m still perfectly fine with that. </p>
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<p>So your future husband is not allowed to have female friends? I don’t think that you can have friendship without love. </p>
<p>I understand you feel passionately about this but I also don’t think that you understand that there is a huge difference between being close to someone emotionally and being “involved” with them. Have you really never been emotionally close to someone that you didn’t have a romantic relationship with? Because if that is the case, then I truly feel sorry for you (no sarcasm) because being emotionally close with friends that you love is one of the most rewarding parts of life IMO.</p>
<p>romanigypsyeyes, I don’t think you understand. It’s not that he is not allowed. It’s that he would have a similar belief system to me, so he wouldn’t. Does that make sense? As I mentioned, I am just not really interested in having CLOSE guy friends. I couldn’t care less. No one needs to forbid me or something (I didn’t have CLOSE guy friends before I met my boyfriend either). I have been close emotionally with female friends, but the only guy that I was ever emotionally close to and TRULY friends with became my boyfriend (he also said that I was the only true female friend he has had). I have had guy friends, but no, I did not feel love for them. I would have helped them, talked to them if they had a problem, but I never loved them in any way.</p>
<p>I am not sure why you feel sorry for me. I don’t have a ton of really close friendships, but that’s how I’ve always been. I am close to a few select people, not to all the people that are just casual friends. I think that it’s not the quantity but the quality. You don’t need 50 or even 10 friends to be happy, just a few real ones that will be there for you no matter what.</p>
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<p>I couldn’t agree more. If I get married, I wouldn’t mind if my wife had male friends that she talked to or went out to lunch with. If she doesn’t hide the friendship with me or doesn’t provide intimate details of our relationship to her friend, then there’s nothing I should be worried about. </p>
<p>I love talking with both genders about anything and everything. I love getting different people’s views about things. I talk with some of my friends more and open up more than I do with my parents.</p>
<p>I’ll give you 2 examples of what I mean about what is appropriate between two oppsotie gender friends.</p>
<p>Let’s say I have a female friend and want to get an opinion from her about a gift I want to buy my wife.</p>
<p>Inappropiate: I tell her that I want to buy my wife some sexy lingerie and ask her opinion about it and ask her if she thinks it’s sexy.</p>
<p>Appropiate: I ask her an opinion about a shirt I want to buy my wife and ask her if she thinks it would be something my wife would wear.</p>
<p>Let’s say I have a problem I want to talk about.</p>
<p>Innappropriate: My wife is having problem in bed. Do you have any tips for her?</p>
<p>Appropiate: I’m having a problem with one of my co-workers. What should I do to solve the situation?</p>
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<p>Their beliefs are wrong and can lead to immoral actions.</p>
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<p>When did I say that you needed 50 friends? But how can you have any close friends without being emotionally close to them or loving them? Or do you solely limit your friends to your gender? I’m confused.</p>
<p>As someone who has been married for close to 30 years, I can say that there is not one person that could be everything to me emotionally. I am very comfortable with my husband, I love him, and I don’t intentionally keep things from him. But there are other men and women in my life who fulfill certain part of my intellect and emotion that my husband doesn’t. I also do not put my entire happiness on my husband, that’s is a lot of responsibility and burden on anyone.</p>
<p>Since I married, I’ve had a lot of men friends, it’s probably because of work and who I come in contact with. I have invited them and their families to our house, and I would have lunch or long phone conversations with them. I had 2 guy friends who had affairs and didn’t know what to do. I was their sounding board. They probably said things to me that they wouldn’t have said to their wives, and shouldn’t because they would have been too hurtful. As an example:</p>
<p>Guy friend:
“My wife used to be beautiful and very interesting, but now she doesn’t even bother with makeup. When I get home, all she wants to talk about is problem around the house. When we met in college she was so interesting and that’s what attracted me to her. This new woman always looks nice (works in the office), she is full of energy and is very funny, she makes me feel good.”</p>
<p>Me:
“Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You are not exactly 170lb super fit machine either. The reason your wife maybe nagging or doesn’t seem that interesting is because she is taking care of all of your crap at home. When is the last time you took her out or buy her a present. Your new friend maybe more interesting and put together now, but if you were to marry her, she would be just like your wife in 2 years. She’ll be nagging about all the stuff you are not doing around the house also. What are you going to do - get a new model every 2 years just like a new car? You do remember your vow, right? What kind of example would you be setting for your kids by not living up to your commitment?”</p>
<p>This was an actual conversation I’ve had with one of my guy friends, and today he is still married(happily). He said a lot more awful things to me about his wife at the time, and I am glad they said those things to me instead to his wife. With those guy friends, we share a lot about work (politics at work) and gadgets (I love new toys when they come out and my husband doesn’t). At the same time, they share many intimate moments with their wives that I would never know about.</p>
<p>When I was younger and first met my H, I also thought he had to be everything to me. Over time I realized it’s very high bench mark because I am a multi facade person (it’s the case for most people) and I need many different people, may it be male or female, to make my life interesting. No, all the years we’ve been married neither one of us has ever had an affair. Both of us believe we have been physically and emotionally faithful to each other, at the same time to have close male and female friends.</p>
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<p>No collegestudent, that’s incorrect. Nothing wrong with Green stating, “I believe that 16 y/o engaging in sexual foreplay is morally wrong. Here is how I would handle it.” That’s entirely different than going after other posters and telling them their advice is “inappropriate,” “wrong” and that they are lacking in “morals.” I actually agree with Green in that the 16 y/o could be getting in over her head. It is not, however, necessary to make personal attacks towards others who might disagree.</p>
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<p>Well, there you go. LOL.</p>
<p>Wow has this thread diverted! HOWEVER, I would say that the OP should have her dd read the entire thread! Maybe that will enlighten her of how others see the world through practical and real life experience.</p>
<p>As for the emotional vs. sexual affair. I would say if Bullet had an emotional affair with no sex that I would be crushed to the core. We have been together for 27 yrs in June. Sexual to me, what still cause issues in our marriage, but it would be easier to overcome because there was no emotion. I don’t think I would have it in me to look aside and know that a stranger to me is his confidant.</p>
<p>Marriage is based on being each other’s soft landing spot. I should be his and he should be mine. The minute one mate decides to replace the other as confidant is the minute that ideal of a safe landing spot is gone. IMHO the only reason thay have not taken it to a sexual level is because of the moral fiber of the spouse having an emotional affair. The spouse sees that as the line in the sand, that didn’t realize that they crossed it the minute they started talking to them emotionally.</p>
<p>I remember when Bullet and I were newlyweds and my sister was my BFF. I felt guilty for talking to her about things that I didn’t tell Bullet. As time passed, I relied less on her for advice and more on him. It is not uncommon for new relationships to have a confidant for one partner, but it uncommon if the partner after yrs never becomes the confidant.</p>
<p>I want to add onto romanigypsyeys…</p>
<p>You can have 50 friends, but are they truly friends? Or are they acquaintances? I can count on my 2 hands how many friends I have over the course of my lifetime. Here’s the thing, the reason it is only 2 hands is because acquaintances are not friends. They are people who pass through your life at that moment. You promise to be BFF’s forever, but you move, get married, have kids and life gets in the way. Friends are different. They are the ones that you get in an airplane to be there for their childs’ communion, you get in a car and drive 5 hrs for their fathers’ funeral, you speak to each other on the phone just because you want to.</p>
<p>I had 50 friends in college, hung with them, went shopping with them, etc., but 24 yrs later I have 1 that I consider a friend. I flew from AK to GA for her wedding (13 yrs after college), she flew from NJ to England to visit me(8 yrs). Friend and acquaintance are two different things and I think people misinterpret the term too frequently.</p>
<p>I am older so I will take this time to say here is my definition of friendship…Crap happens, you are in the hospital with a life threatening illness. Do they send flowers or do they call and check in? Acquaintance you get flowers, friend you get a call. Actually, because of the friend you get tons of flowers because they call the mutual acquaintances. </p>
<p>To tie it back to the OP maybe that is also a lesson to be taught. HS kids believe these are their BFF’s forever. The reality is they will move on and they will become nothing more than “How are you?” at the 10 yr reunion. I can say that because as a wife who spent 20 yrs as a military spouse, I saw my children cry over losing friends when we moved. To this date each child has 1 friend that they are close with, and they are not the ones that they cried about.</p>
<p>Kids at 16 believe they get it all, but we still as parents need to remind them that their life is just beginning.</p>
<p>The BEST PARENT is the parent who puts on their hs shoes and remembers their emotions and how hard it was for them. They then ask themselves how they would have felt if their parents said or did what I plan to do? There’s your answer, you know in your heart how you wanted your parents to address you, your child is no different than you, just 20+ yrs younger!</p>
<p>^I strongly agree with pretty much everything in this post.</p>
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<p>But it’s important to remember that what we think we want may be different from what we truly want (synonymous with what we need).</p>
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<p>WOW. I agree with you, Baelor.</p>