The ring is a symbolic gift but also a very real object that the woman will wear for many years to come.
For both reasons I think it is best that the couple choose the ring together. It will be a symbol of their going through life making decisions together, and will reflect the taste not only of the man but also of the woman.
Not every woman likes family rings and antique settings. I was presented with a white gold diamond ring that belonged to my husband’s father’s aunt from her second marriage. My husband didn’t select it and neither did I-- it was passed to him to give to whomever he proposed to, and so he did.
Of course I accepted it graciously, but it was no way to my taste, nor was it particularly comfortable. Nevertheless I wore that ring for a decade and a half, and when it finally needed extensive repairs, we replaced it instead with the ruby and modern setting I would have preferred from the start. My current ring is also much more comfortable. Because we chose it together, it means more to me than the inherited one ever did.
I suggest that your son consult his bride to be on her preferences.
My MIL’s engagement ring was something my FIL got from his family. I get the impression that she didn’t find it very attractive or comfortable. I never saw it. She lost it in the ocean on their honeymoon.
Some say, propose without the ring, but offer it to her at a later time and let her decide if she likes it or would prefer something completely different.
Some say, propose with the ring, but with the original pearl. And don’t say anything about changing it now or later.
Some say, propose with the ring, but with the original pearl. And tell her right away that they can change the pearl later, when they have more $$$, if that’s what she would like.
Some say, synthetic is fine.
Some say, never synthetic for an engagement ring!
Some say, you can’t go wrong with a big, beautiful sapphire.
Some say, why spend so much money when they have debt?
Well, I’ve presented my son with the alternatives, so he will have to figure this out on his own. I’m just the Keeper of the Ring, for now.
Gemstone mining is often a horrendous, horrendous job. Gemstone miners often work in terrifically hellish conditions for very low pay. For pretty much anyone in my family, synthetic is preferable to natural because it eliminates that entire issue. (And this is aside from the whole “blood diamond” thing that made news some years ago, which has been mostly, though not entirely, cleaned up by now for diamonds, but remains a very real issue for colored gemstones.) So: Has anyone asked her opinion on the ethics of gemstones? If she feels like I do, well, a natural stone is pretty much right out.
And speaking of asking her opinion, what is her position on engagement rings and their cost, anyway? My now-wife let me know as we were hurtling headlong toward getting engaged that if I was (as she saw it) fiscally irresponsible enough to spend some months’ worth of salary on a trinket like an engagement ring, that would be enough of a red flag to get her to break up with me and get out while it was still easy. (In fact, her preference was not spending any money on the ring at all, which in our case meant no engagement ring, which she was quite happy with—if there’d been an heirloom ring that cost effectively nothing, I’m thinking she’d have been cool with that.) The OP’s son’s fiancée-to-be may not actually want thousands of dollars the couple might be able to use for other things spent on her ring.
Overall, big-ticket jewelry surprised can go badly. I’ve heard what the OP and the OP’s son are considering, and what a lot of us posters think, but unless I simply blissed past it, I haven’t seen what the recipient thinks. That should factor in, too.
Also pass along to son that if he doesn’t go with the heirloom ring, he should search out online sites that frequently have much better pricing. BlueNile is a great one.
Honestly, I am going to sound like an a$$… I have changed my mind, the synthetic stone would be awesome. Though I would look at a synthetic diamond if you could.
I am a biochem student, I think this stuff is cool. Then the whole abusive diamond and gem trade… Basically, synthetics are perfect or near perfect at a millionth the cost.
I think you should do that if money is tight.
Plus, you can always keep the nice setting you have already.
This purchase is about them, not about what others think about them. Your S needs to have a serious talk with his bride-to-be and discuss what will be both financially and emotionally beneficial for the two of them.
Good point musicamusica…everyone is different and has various feelings on the matter of synthetic vs the real thing.
I know that a lot of my daughters friends have recently become engaged and discuss rings in their social circles. Some of them really have very high standards and expectations. I have heard of young women that they know expecting very expensive rings that IMO are really insanely expensive. Maybe it’s a geographical thing ?
My adorable, wonderful future SIL got D a very inexpensive antique ring.It would not be what I would like. But D adores him and the ring, not for what it is but for what it means. And all of us know that it took him forever to find it and it is something that he can afford at this point in time. I really appreciate his care and his thoughtfulness. . The rest is money and they will have that later in life. (BTW I waited 10 years to get the very expensive perfect ring that I wanted. It was worth it.)
When my son and his g/f looked at rings a few years ago, he liked the center sapphire and she wanted a diamond. It’s clear that they will shop together.
In the Op’s case, I wouldn’t spend any $ on the ring if they haven’t shopped together.
I’m just disappointed he doesn’t want to use one of my diamonds, but who knows when the time comes.
I think an heirloom ring should be given “As Is” The point about converting a setting that holds a large round pearl into a flat-ish sapphire is a big concern. The bench work on that should be quite expensive and I fear not “cohesive”.
I received my Husbands “Great Aunt’s 16 birthday gift” as my engagement ring. He was still in grad school. Years later I upgraded. Win-Win. (Don’t ruin a nice heirloom is where I’m headed with this…)
I freely admit I love crystal jewelry, rhinestones, whatever name they go by, and I have a few pieces that are beautiful but were ridiculously inexpensive. But no matter how we talk around it, the engagement ring is symbolic and imo, he has to know what she would enjoy.
He may want to simply propose with the heirloom ring in it’s current state and let her know that when the time comes to select their wedding rings they can both play a role in the design. Once married, she can choose to wear the ring as she sees fit…daily or only on special occasions or family events.
I think a lot of couples discuss this much more openly than happened back in the medieval era when we were young. I think that’s what this couple should do.
Another anecdotal bit: I bought my wife a small diamond engagement ring. She wore it until we got married, and then never again. She doesn’t want a replacement ring, or any kind of ring, other than her wedding band. I don’t think it would be any different if I had spent a lot more.
lge62 - don’t think the extravagant spending or practicality is regional . D’s has plenty of married (and some now divorced) friends who have very high expectations as far as the material value of the ring goes. D is West Coast and her SO is European and raised on the East Coast. Financially D is much more practical and my future SIL knows that. But she does place a lot of value on romantic sentiment. So an inexpensive antique ring was an excellent choice. I just think it’s important for these young men to know what the bride-to-be’s specific expectations are. (since now days those expectations can be all over the map!)
Thank you all. I shared with S1 all the information that the jeweler gave me, plus this thread. He has decided to propose and let her make up her own mind about what she wants to do with the ring. He was kind of flabbergasted at the price of the sapphires, not to mention disappointed – one of the points of his using an heirloom ring was to keep the cost down, and substituting the sapphire for the pearl kind of made that not realistic anymore.
He is also going to show her another heirloom ring I have – my mother’s engagement ring – which is much simpler and which S2 has been hanging on to, thinking he might use it for his GF. (Very very long-term GF. It’s just a matter of time as to when they get married.) Of course, he hasn’t yet proposed, so that ring is still up for grabs.
I’m thinking I’ve terribly mis-handled this: I should have decreed which son got which ring and been done with it. I hope they don’t fight over it and have a lifelong resentment over who gets what.