Gotta say that Bob wanting his hearing fixed is great. The garage may not be cleaned out but that there is movement is great. That his family is nice and appears welcoming is great. I sincerely hope that all works out!
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In the “it could always be worse” category …
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Update on Bobgate:
Dh drove mil and Bob to her town yesterday en route to a gathering of his high school buddies. He swung back by and picked up some things to bring back here. They are driving back tomorrow in her car, so it will finally be here. Dh dumped her stuff in their garage (she gave him the code) as requested. He said there is definitely room for her car now, so that is a win.
Only two nights in her town which is a quicker trip than I expected. I don’t think Bob likes being away from the CCRC and his routines. Mil and Bob briefly saw dear nephew (grandson) and his roommate. Roommate bought a home, and they are in the process of painting/installing flooring before they move in next weekend. Mil wanted to see the new house. They had wine with one set of neighbors tonight. Mil did not see my sil at all.
Mil met with estate sale people today. She may not have enough, “stuff,” for this particular company to be willing to do a sale. The person will let her know. She said she could give her leads on other options for clearing her house. Either a different company or a different process. All of this should have been set in motion at least two months ago, IMO.
What really got me was mil’s comment to my sil on our group text when she was sharing the information about the estate sale consultation: “I may have you meet with anyone else who might consider conducting a sale of my treasures.”
This is what is SO aggravating to me. There is no ask, no use of the word, “please,” no, “Gosh, I didn’t realize how involved this was going to be; I really need your help, dd.” And, they are leaving tomorrow! Stay and do it yourself! It’s bad enough that she is so irresponsible with her lack of planning, but it is made worse by her lack of consideration of her daughter. She can’t reach out to see sil, offer to take her to lunch, etc. But, by golly, she expects her to do her bidding. Just her wording…,”I may have you…” Her dd is not her administrative assistant. 
It is always like this. Mil just expects sil to do for her. I haven’t seen the word, “please,” one time from mil on the group text when she’s asked her to do something. And no, “thank yous,” either.
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Well, it’s no wonder your SIL isn’t interested in hanging out with MIL & Bob. If my mom were ordering me around like that, without even a ‘please,’ I’d find myself suddenly “busy” a lot.
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Glad her car will have a place in the garage.
It’s funny to me that MIL/SIL keep the text thread going but do not see each other.
That comment would irk me too. SIL needs to tell her how that directive feels. It’s cold and disrespectful!
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Your sil must feel so hurt. Not just by this incident but by all the others before. Being ordered around and now she must feel discarded
I’ve said it before, I really hope your sil gets some counseling
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I do, too, but I don’t think that will ever happen.
I called sil last night to chat about the estate sale debacle. I emphasized to her what I did here; that mil’s attitude and lack of consideration and appreciation were unacceptable. Over and over again, she kept saying, “It’s fine.” I told her over and over again that it is most certainly not fine. She eventually said that mil has always put herself first/been #1.
It’s clear that sil is simply used to this behavior. That does not make it okay!!! But, I’m sure it’s been a survival tactic and the only way to maintain any semblance of a relationship with her. Like my dh, she is a, “stuffer,” of her feelings.
But, I do agree with you. Some therapy would be very helpful.
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My family also never said please or thank you. This isn’t a new thing with MIL, is it? Agree that your SIL probably is used to it, because that’s how it’s always been done.
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That’s been pretty evident for all 1,988 posts!
It seems to me that both of your in-laws are/were what is popularly called emotionally immature
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There’s good news here.
Once your H, son, the other grandchild, and SIL have removed whatever they want from what’s left in the house- the rest is easy-peasy. MIL can’t be bothered arranging for an estate sale? Invite the neighbors and old friends in for a “coffee grab” and whatever is left gets piled onto a truck by Junk-luggers. They’ll give a tax receipt for whatever they can donate to Homeless Veterans or whatever.
You don’t need to perpetuate the passive aggressive communication style into your MIL’s next chapter. If she wants cash from the sale- she can get herself back to her house and evaluate different vendors. If she doesn’t care, it’s not your SIL’s problem to figure out how much the vintage Corelle baking dishes are worth to a collector. Take what you want and the rest can get loaded onto a truck.
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Two months ago you were still holding out hope she wouldn’t marry Bob. Maybe she just kept her options open.
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@Hoggirl good for you for reaching out and telling your sister in law that she doesn’t have to do this.
Time will tell but you told her the truth. If she does her mother’s bidding, that’s on her.
Getting a company to hold an estate sale is tricky especially when there’s not tons of stuff to sell.
When my mom moved to her CCRC, we lucked out into finding someone who would do the sale if we committed right then. She had an opening
It caused a lot of disagreement between myself, my mom and my sibling but that’s a story for another time.
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These estate sale people know their market. If you’re selling reproduction mahogany furniture in an area where people want mid-century modern, the margins compared with the hassle start to look very thin.
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Well if the monkey pictures were there, the estate agent would have been all over the sale!
(sorry, not a fan of the monkeys)
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In an odd sort of way, MIL moving in with Bob could be a blessing in disguise for your SIL because maybe once the dust settles and MIL’s house gets sold, SIL can start to develop her own life that’s not defined by being treated like part of the household staff.
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totally agree w/all of the above.
And if MIL really doesn’t want to deal with any of the rest of her stuff, she can simply hire somebody to bring in a semi-truck sized construction dumpster and literally throw it all away.
Problem solved. SIL is absolutely in her right to not play MIL’s game anymore.
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If your MIL was a member of a church, you could offer them the opportunity to have a garage/estate sale after they and their children took what they wanted, with the church keeping the proceeds. One of the couples in our small church did that when they downsized. We were able to make over $1000 and they didn’t have to worry about it. Very little remained after our sale.
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We did the same with many of my aunt’s things. The church does a sale every summer, and everyone– not just church members - contribute rather amazing stuff. It works as a community yard sale, church fund-raiser, and fun event all at once. People outside the community come too as it’s known that people donate great stuff. Mil’s stuff could be the start of something!
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I think this becomes a matter of how and with what results does MIL want her things “disposed” of? Is she counting on proceeds from the sale of her items (like in an estate sale) or does she just want it gone?She may think her things are too good/nice to give away?
I know you might say “if she’s not taking care of it, she doesn’t get to decide” - but…in the interest of TRYING to maintain family relationships (even if she is not being nice about it!), it might be worthwhile for SIL or whoever to give her choices.
- Try another estate sale company - maybe a smaller outfit.
- Offer things beyond family - to some neighbors perhaps.
- See if there is a local eBay company or person who might offer a price for a lot of stuff (meaning all the small stuff).
- Donate to a local church, rummage sale, Easter Seals, Salvation Army…that kind of thing.
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The church sale is a good idea.
Last summer I stopped at a “downsizing sale” in the neighborhood. It was run by homeowner/family. Lots of nice stuff, even at end of 2nd day. Probably not enough though to interest a dealer. Prices were quite low on most things. (The $1 french press coffee maker tempted me.). I expect they mostly just wanted help getting the stuff out the door.
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