Octogenarian romances? Who has had experience with this with their parents/in-laws?

Parent Cafe
1961

They were nice. I particularly enjoyed her. Very easy to talk to. She was kind to mil. Quick to help her in the kitchen warming up the meal, etc. She and Bob’s son have only been married 2.5 years, but they’ve been together for twelve. Which means she’s been around for the last three wives plus she is still obviously around wife #1 (her husband’s mother). So she’s dealt with four of the five wives now. The son talked about his health a lot - particularly his alpha gal. Also lots of sailing talk. Bob, his son, and the grandson are all big into sailing. They seem very proud of that? Kind of elite-like??

Ds said he had anticipated their presence to make things more awkward, but afterwards said that made it less so. It is very difficult to have a conversation with Bob because of his hearing loss. BTW, Bob is now talking about a cochlear implant?? Anybody know anything about those?

I don’t need any more friends and don’t expect we will start hanging out with Bob’s son and his wife separate and apart from when we are with Bob and mil. But, if we are around them an obligatory couple of times a year, it won’t be a problem.

10 Likes
1962

I found this very funny to be assessing ‘age’ by how many wives she’s lived through. Sort of a Henry the VIII scale.

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1963

Cochlear implants really help SOME people with the right type of hearing loss while not doing much or anything for others. If he has a good doctor evaluating, they should better be able to predict how helpful it will be. I knew a family who had a child who had profound hearing loss for very young and got a cochlear implant before she started school. She used that plus a hearing aid and could hear in that manner.

2 Likes
1964

My fil had a cochlear implant. It helped some, I think it’s harder as you get older, younger people have a better time I hear as they hadn’t heard normally as my fil did.

I think he would have done it again.

The biggest issue imo was my mil. She would turn away from him and talk. Her voice was soft. She wouldn’t make any accommodations for his hearing loss. With profound hearing loss, you need to speak right to the person and be loud and clear. Also my mil loved to have the tv going. All the time. With less background noise, my fil did much better

My fil was a sailor also. He and my husband are the last thing from pretentious. It was a hobby. Just like golf. Or skiing. Bob could be elitist about it, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s like golf with more expensive equipment :joy:

4 Likes
1965

This is good news because you’ll probably be seeing them from time to time. You won’t have that dreaded feeling. Who knows, maybe in time you’ll get more info out of her.

In other news, I see you’ve hit 2k postings!

4 Likes
1966

New might not be the best car for MIL to drive. If Bob’s car is larger, or the seating isn’t good, or it gets terrible gas mileage (I know…they don’t drive a lot), is harder for MIL to maneuver, etc…it might be better to keep MILs car which could be better in most of these ways.

And if MILs car has no car loan, but Bob’s does…another reason. Plus…if they get rid of MILs car, they need to change the title on Bob’s car to “Bob OR MIL” so that if something happens to Bob, she has ownership of that car.

4 Likes
1967

I know about these. Bob needs to see a competent ENT AND audiologist to evaluate whether this is a good option for him. Keep in mind, there is significant “training” to get benefit from cochlear implants. If he thinks they just put it in and poof he will be hearing better, he is wrong.

He needs to get all of the information about this first…and MIL needs to be in on the action because she will be helping with that training.

Bob also needs to ask about any restrictions for folks having cochlear implants…because there are some.

5 Likes
1968

And we made it to Christmas! They went on their cruise, didn’t have tea, and are married. Hopefully SIL is adjusting as the house and car remain in limbo. Thank you, @Hoggirl , for bringing us into your family drama. So many twists and turns….

12 Likes
1969

Neither car has a loan. It’s an SUV. I think she has driven it short distances.

She has stated several times she is keeping her car. But, there have been other things that have been claimed that have seemingly changed on a dime. Holding onto the house for a year or two being the biggest one.

Mil is now backtracking on bringing up all the things sil has already packed for her. Not sure there is enough space. Well, duh - Bob needs to make space. Might go through those boxes and fill some more. Might move them up here and then get rid of whatever doesn’t fit. Sil told her not to pay to move things she was only going to discard after they arrived. Though, I think the intent was to bring what is already boxed up with her with the car. At least some of it.

My belief is that Bob views this as HIS house.

10 Likes
1970

Yes, she is fitting into his life. Not going to the tea was so telling.

11 Likes
1971

You don’t need any more friends, but it’s possible you WILL need an ally. And it sounds like you may have one. So great that you all connected.

11 Likes
1972

That is me! When planning for Thanksgiving my brother and sister were counting up the beer drinkers/how much to buy. the number they came up with 18.5 - I was the point five. :rofl:

7 Likes
1973

Last night we were at family friend’s place for Christmas party & dinner. D found a bottle of plum brandy on the table and was very curious about it because in an opera she likes (der fleidermaus) the jailer gets drunk on this plum brandy. The host received 2 bottles as a gift from one of the guests and graciously invited D to open and try it. Glasses came out and many tried it. (It was way too strong for me, even my normal 1 sip but I had some—very warming & strong @9090 proof.) One of the guests REALLY liked it so the host had him take open bottle home. D was relieved to have curiosity satisfied & not be saddled with the rest of the bottle.

4 Likes
1974

Dh, ds, and I had a lovely Christmas. We did not see mil and Bob again the entire time ds was in town. I think she was fishing for an invite for either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but I did not extend one. We did let her know which church service we would be attending on Christmas Eve (it was the 4:00 pm one, so before dark), but they did not show up.

I texted her on the group text as we were driving to her town/sil’s town to let her know we were heading to visit a family friend of ours and would then be connecting with sil, nephew, and nephew’s roommate for lunch and visiting. Also offered in that text to bring back some of her belongings she wants at the CCRC that sil packed up for her. She replied that we could stay at her house and talked about blankets, etc, but we informed her we were staying in a hotel. She accepted our offer so we brought many boxes back on Sunday. Had a nice visit with sil, etc., though sil always seems to circle back to talking about mil. She is really hurting, and it is coming out as anger toward mil. Reiterated she may never see her mother again after she moves. I told her, “No. You can stay with us, and we can go to lunch with just her and do girly things.” We will see if sil makes the effort to do that. Nephew can take care of her dogs, but idk if sil will ever visit or not.

Dh is going to meet high school friends near mil this weekend, so he offered to drive them both down when he goes. That lets Bob ride with mil when she brings her car to the CCRC. They had talked about going this weekend anyway, so that worked out well, and they liked that idea.

The garage is much improved from a week ago. However, the spare bedroom is much worse! There had previously only been a gun cabinet and a bookcase in there. Now there is crapola. Idk if it is just stuff they moved from the garage or what? Inquiries about it go unanswered. My concern is that they will now be able to get the car in the garage, but they next hold up will be that there is no room for her furniture! Their plan is to move his bedroom furniture into the spare bedroom and hers into the primary. No way can that happen at the moment.

Attic is supposed to be floored today. Bob says people from the CCRC will haul stuff up there. At least Bob has enough sense to know he has no business carrying stuff up an attic ladder. Mil also heard this morning from an estate sale person she had contacted before Christmas. She will meet with them when they go to her town to get the car this weekend. Appears to be a franchise - Blue Moon Estate Sales. Things seem to be moving forward.

I did a post with pics on FB from our gathering at sil’s on Saturday. No like or comment from mil, and I can see she has been on. I imagine her feelings are hurt that she was not told. But, ds wanted to see his aunt and cousin, and sil won’t be around Bob and she didn’t want me to tell mil we were coming ahead of time. The dynamics of this Christmas were very different for us. The fact that ds only saw her for three hours when he was here a week was quite different from his staying in her home for three or so days as he has usually done. End of an era.

14 Likes
1975

My kids reminded me this weekend of something I once told them. That the holidays are full of traditions but it’s ok if those traditions look different for one or more family members because (like them being available to holiday with the family)that means they are moving forward in life and adding people or things that likely make their life rich. (wow, what a profound statement I had! :laughing:). We can value old traditions and new traditions.

We have Blue Moon Estate Sales here - didn’t realize they might be part of a franchise. They are not the premier estate sale company here but I’ve been to their sales and they are run well and get good attendance - in our area anyway!

And oh boy, flooring the attic - at this point I sure wish they’d just PAIR DOWN ALL THEIR THINGS!!!

8 Likes
1976

Our attic has a floor. The only things up there are Christmas ornaments, and only ones that are not temperature sensitive.

We have pared down…and plan to continue to do so!!

Bob needs to purge.

6 Likes
1977

Our holiday looked very different than it did in the past.

It’s understandable that it’s weird. I hope your sil will come around by next Christmas.

Bob isn’t going anywhere, being mad hurts her. I figured that out a long time ago. Grudges hurt me, they moved on without me. I hung on to the hurt.

7 Likes
1978

Having an attic can be great! We had a full house attic at our last house that must to my dismay was full to the brim. There were many tears of frustration of that when we moved - it was a BEAR to empty.

Point being, in your 80’s it is hard for me to understand needing to floor an attic to continue to keep that quantity of things. But as they say, “you do you” (Bob and MIL!)

5 Likes
1979

My friend bought a house on Hilton Head Island. It was a real house although at the time it was their second home (it is now #1 home and they live there). Anyway, the woman they bought it from left a lot of stuff there, including an attic full of Christmas stuff. She kept promising to come pick it up. First year my friend ignored it but the second year she confiscated that Christmas stuff and it became hers.

So don’t forget to empty the attic when the time comes to clear out that house!

5 Likes
1980

LOL - laughed at the typo. At this stage they needb to PARE DOWN, but they’ve married to PAIR UP their belongings.

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