I would use a stronger predicate nominative in this sentence.
9 Likes
Very sad for SIL!
12 Likes
It’s not like she’s even pretended to like Bob so I’m assuming the feeling has become mutual.
5 Likes
Yikes, that is not going to help that relationship. The lines are drawn and both doors on either end are basically closed.
It’s nice that MIL appreciated your effort. Maybe a little space (pun!) between everyone is good for a bit. You can send them a text to the new “love birds” on Valentine’s Day 
4 Likes
Glad she was appreciative!
3 Likes
I think this is accurate.
Her birthday is before Valentine’s Day. We typically send flowers but heretofore we’ve been in a different town. I had considered asking her out to lunch but am no longer inclined to do that. Would have to be before her birthday anyway as my BFF from ATL is coming for a visit for a few days that includes her birthday.
I asked dh if he wanted to send flowers this year. He asked to think about it a bit.
Interestingly, our group text of daily puzzling continues. Chit chat about innocuous things - weather, things we are doing each day, etc. Mil’s MO is to always act like nothing’s has happened. Sil goes along with that.
2 Likes
That was my mom’s MO when she was well too. Ignore ignore ignore and pretend like everything is fine. I guess it worked for her but it didn’t work for me but, I also played along as it was just easier.
I know you didn’t ask but…I’d be inclined to push my H to send the flowers if that was his tradition with his mom or have him take her out to lunch. I’d be trying very hard to not burn bridges, especially now that they are local to you. You don’t want Bob to alienate her from the family.
6 Likes
The “going along pretending everything is fine” doesn’t resolve the problem, but it does allow everyone to stay in the room until it’s a good time to talk about the elephant. I’m sure the hope is that the elephant finds another place to go, but that’s unlikely to happen.
This at least keeps a dialog possible, and hopefully that happens when the parties involved feel calm and open to doing that.
2 Likes
No real tradition of any birthday meals since we weren’t in the same state or even in the same area of the state either before we moved to or after we returned from Florida. Though, for her 85th birthday we drove from Florida to Arkansas to be with her and take her out for a nice meal. Plus, we hadn’t gone to Arkansas for either TG or Christmas, so we needed to make a trip. For fil’s 80th birthday we drove from our town to theirs within Arkansas to celebrate with him. So, sometimes there are meals for milestone type birthdays.
I did say to dh this morning, “I think we should carry on with what we have typically done.” Which is to send flowers. Now, if I had heard what Bob said and that mil didn’t disagree with him, I wouldn’t be keen on sending flowers But I also wouldn’t go along as though I hadn’t heard it. I would confront her “Mil, you didn’t hang up the phone after our conversation, and I heard what Bob said about me which is why I am not enthusiastic about spending time with him. I also noticed you didn’t contradict him.”
There are definitely issues on both sides. But there are long-existing issues/baggage as an undercurrent that are above my pay grade.
Dh is not particularly close with his mother at all. She calls him when she needs something. His dad was the same way.
9 Likes
Do you really want to continue the emotional labor of having to figure out her birthday in addition to the Thanksgiving/Xmas/Mother’s Day/Anniversary drama that is likely to come?
If your H and SIL want to send her flowers or arrange a meal- fantastic. You can show up gracious and enthusiastic. But I don’t see why this continues to be your task. Even if your H isn’t close to his mom, a grown man with a credit card can figure out how to send flowers, chocolates, a fruit basket or whatnot. Ditto his sister.
7 Likes
Not to hijack, but… I had done this level of “kinkeeping” on my H’s behalf for many years. My H has had no interest in doing it - and to be fair, never asked me to do it…I just took it on. I stopped doing it for certain members of the family (FIL and MIL) some years back - also stopped nagging my kids to write thank you notes once they graduated high school. My relationship with my MIL has deteriorated since. She definitely holds me responsible.
4 Likes
Same vibe here. I like the term “kinkeeping”. I stuck my nose in too far in 2013-2014. Learned my lesson.
1 Like
I guess I don’t see anything wrong with doing some of these things IF the person wants to do so. I mean, isn’t it nice for a DIL to maintain a relationship with a MIL? Yes, dh’s is the primary relationship, but dh and I saw our individual moms as part of the package and each of us fostered (as best we could) maintaining those relationships for ourselves and for our kids. On other threads I’ve mentioned not having the greatest relationship with my mom, but she was an excellent grandmother to my kids, as was my MIL, so dh and I kept stoking those family fires. Sometimes still I remind dh to call his sister for her birthday or whatever, but it’s really not that big a deal, and if he doesn’t, oh, well. In OP’s case, she’s mentioned it to dh, who wants time to decide what to do. Doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. If OP resented even mentioning it, that’s another issue.
So, yeah, there is some emotional labor involved, but I think it’s usually for a greater good. And we are modeling for our kids how to care for elders. My two cents.
3 Likes
I buy greeting cards and hand them to DH to mail to his mom. Sometimes they get sent and sometimes they don’t
5 Likes
Rightly or wrongly, I have done, “kinkeeping,” our entire married lives. Whether that is a result of primarily being a SAHM or because my own parents were deceased before I was married such that dh’s family has been my only family during our marriage, or a function of cultural expectations, I don’t know.
Would be a big shift to erase that precedent now.
11 Likes
My mil definitely thinks communication goes through the females in the family. I’m sure that’s the role she played with her mil.
The only thing I can do is not expect that from my dil.
It’s a nice thing to do, but shouldn’t be expected and it’s time for the males in the family to step up. Or for us mil’s to understand that it’s not our dil’s responsibility to be the gatekeepers
7 Likes
In most families I know it is the woman who keeps the social calendar. I have to remind H to reach out to his brother (whom we are both fond of) or he just forgets—we live in HI and he’s in CA. My family is all in HI and we have a family thread we communicate in. The kids have a smaller cousins thread as well where they share info.
2 Likes
If and when ds ever marries, I fully intend to let him know that he is front-line responsible for his own parents! I’m going to let the unknown dil know as well. I will not hold any lack of communication against her!
Mil and sil have both been known to say, “Tell your dh such-and-such.” I will respond, “Why don’t you tell him?” or, “Might be better if you reach out to him yourself.”
8 Likes
I’m not disagreeing- of course there’s nothing wrong with it.
But what I learned with my In-law relationships- when I stopped carrying the burden, some things fell through the cracks (and nobody seemed to notice or care), other family members stepped up and did other things- FINALLY!, and some things had clearly run their course and family members were happy when I stopped. So none of us will ever know if spouses, sisters-in-law, brothers-in-law, etc. will actually take some responsibility if we stop “doing” and being the backstop- because if we never stop doing, they have no incentive to start!
It is a bit of the learned helplessness referenced above (I think it’s on this thread). I have a friend who whines every year before Thanksgiving that her sister-in-law shows up with a box of a drugstore brand chocolate candy and proudly puts it on the buffet with the vast array of home baked pies and cookies and what-not and announces “I brought dessert”.
Four options here- either my friend sends around an email ahead of time with categories- pies, side dishes, cranberry sauce and salad, or whatnot and has everyone sign up for something; my friend stops baking herself into exhaustion and just orders pies from a local bakery; My friend does nothing and everyone shares a Whitman’s Sampler for dessert (nobody will suffer from malnutrition if they don’t have a choice of 10 desserts on Thanksgiving; My friend keeps doing what she’s doing and realizes that she has the power to change the dynamic if she chooses to.
Her friends have all explained that unless she stops over-performing, it is crazy to think that anyone else is going to “step up”. Deaf ears.
My children had many years to observe me respecting their grandparents- dealing with illnesses, doctors, enormous financial support, practical support, finding and managing nurses and aides, altering bathrooms to make them wheelchair accessible. If they somehow remember that at some point I stopped sending cards, flowers and a cute cardigan from Talbots on Mother’s Day- I think I can live with that.
3 Likes