Well, everyone knows that my mantra is if you keep overperforming it gives others permission to underperform so if that’s going on, then fine. I’m talking about doing things I think are perfectly normal in families or among friends — calling on a birthday or sending a card or flowers. Acknowledging a milestone isn’t overperforming for me, but I guess it could be for some.
I would posit that your friend in the story above has a fifth and sixth option — tell her friend that she’d prefer something more substantial as a contribution. Or she could quit inviting this person who clearly doesn’t get the spirit of the invitation. lol
I want to say that this has become one of my favorite threads on cc. A situation about one thing has given great insight into how others see many things. I like that.
I should’ve said there is a seventh option above … don’t say anything and just enjoy this quirky/cheap/whatever friend. I think I have a pretty high tolerance for wacky. Her bringing the drugstore chocolates is what she thinks is appropriate. Can she not afford more? Is she a bad baker? Is she just one of those people lost in her own thoughts and hasn’t given this a second thought? Who knows? (well, your friend might, but I don’t).
Last week I had lunch with my bff of more than 35 years, and I learned something new about her. Blew. My. Mind. I don’t mean something minor; I’m talking a major behavior about which I was totally unaware. I find people endlessly fascinating, including all my cc compatriots. Y’all are a fun crowd. Now, back to boorish Bob …
My mom has 2 daughters and 2 sons. One of my brothers is married. Whenever my mom needs him to do something for her, she would only talk to him, not my SIL. He would sometimes ask his wife to do it (he does other things for her mother). My mom will ask me to ask my brother sometimes, and I would just say no. I also rarely go directly to my SIL even though I am a woman. I speak directly with my brother.
My point in posting about my friend and the annual Whitman’s Sampler was NOT to speculate about the friend and the chocolates. But it was to point out that as you put it- don’t encourage people to underperform if it bugs you. Don’t enable the underperforming. So sure- it’s lovely for the daughters-in-law among us to take on party planning and event management and gift orchestrating and luncheon preparation (and cooking and cleaning up) if/when the son and the other siblings don’t step up. But there are very few functioning adults out there who lack the actual competencies required to do these things. Will they do them as nicely, as elegantly, as “curated” as the one who has always done them? Probably not.
Does it matter?
And a related note- MIL is independent/married/living with Bob right now. Terrific. She seems quite competent to manage her daily life. But I have seen- at least a dozen times if not more- that the “Family organizer” ends up becoming the default “Case Manager” whether for a sibling, in-law sibling, or in-law parent. I have friends with full time, demanding jobs who are “in charge” of case management for an elderly in-law parent because the actual kids (including the spouse) say the passive aggressive “We know how good you are with organizing” or “We thought you’d want to be in charge”.
And becoming the case manager wouldn’t be so bad except that the job comes with the built in criticism of the actual adult children. The daughter with the part time job and tons of flexibility can’t show up for the appointment/consult with PT because “Everyone knows Tuesday is my late day” (meaning she works until 4 pm). The son who is capable of arranging a Super Bowl party for 40 including booze, appetizers and brand new ginormous TV to be delivered and hooked up before the game can’t log on to Pea Pod and order OJ and bananas for his mom. Etc. And then the sniping because the default case manager/daughter in law made a decision nobody liked or hired an aide that the family thinks is “abrupt”.
So sometimes being the capable one is the canary in the coal mine for what’s to come….
re: ‘kinkeeping’ - Same. For years, I played the role of chief circus wrangler for every time we got together with my H’s relatives. Most of the time, the only reason why any get together actually happened was because I followed through and made it happen. A few years ago, I stepped away from that role. None of them stepped up. As a result, they all now rare speak to each other and once in a blue moon, they get together with each other but it’s because my H pushes for it to happen.
Yes, when my kids were young and wanted extended family staycations with cousins, I arranged them. Since they have grown & moved away, I stopped. My older sis keeps talking about an extended clan family trip but does nothing to make one happen, except for HER grandkids and kids. It’s fine. I can’t figure out a destination, time & all for me and my kids & DIL—we will figure it out.
No need to apologize for you taking on this role. As long as you are not bitter or bothered by it. If you are, then it is ok to have forks in the road where you are not this lead person.
And to express to your significant other why you need them to step in on a certain occasion .
Couldn’t agree more. But for someone trying to figure out what to say or how to say it in a way that will advance to a solution or for a momentwhen the recipientwill be receptive, it can be better than an explosive outburst from which nobody can recover. It will never be the solution - that’s magical thinking and corrosiveto the soul. And no, not fun.
Gotta go along to get along. Kin shouldn’t get less respect or leeway than we give co-workers.
If I were Bob (and MIL) I’d wrap up the monkey prints with ribbons and bows and give them to SIL so she can quit worrying about them. It just seems a weird sticking point with her (from what little we know).
Seeing as how there are NO monkey prints on any walls or anywhere visible, it would make sense for MIL to just gift the monkey prints to SIL to just get rid of them as part of her getting ready to sell her house.
Oh, no! I think one monkey print is already hung. Maybe two. They just aren’t in the living room or bedroom. I know one is at the end of a hall. The other may be in their entryway?
Mil wants to have them in her home. She loves her Rollers!
This is 100% accurate in my life. I have done so much for my FIL who has 7 children, but only 1 child helps sometimes. In this family no good deed goes unpunished and I’ve decided to step away. It is hard for me because the lack of organization, bad decision making, and drama drive me crazy, but in my case it is not worth it.
I want to add that Hoggirl sounds like such a nice person– I’d consider myself lucky to have her for a SIL or friend!
Y’all are a fun crowd. Now, back to boorish Bob …
