I don’t think you and DH should let Bob keep you from going to dinner with them, visiting, having them over, etc. Especially DH since it is his mother because otherwise…
One, that’s a “win” for Bob and he potentially gains more control over their relationship/she could become more isolated.
Two, she’s your MIL/mom and only here for how much longer? Forget your feelings about Bob and enjoy mom while you can.
Three, if the situation were reversed and one of our kids married someone we weren’t particularly thrilled with, we would keep our mouths shut and be a part of our kid’s life.
Re socializing with MIL and Bob - keep in mind that Hoggirl’s husband isn’t really all that close to his mother. That might stem from the dynamics during his life where his mother could have prioritized her husband over her children. And of course the whole situation of how the newlyweds have talked about and treated the sister. It’s pretty amazing that both children are still willing to take all the time and trouble to help MIL. So with Bob’s hearing issues and dominance over MIL, and the unpleasant history in the family, not sure how much they can really enjoy MIL at a social event with Bob there.
I think you go because you were invited– and claiming that MIL is too self-centered to bother with family because of Bob when you decline invitations is a bit strange. I think you go because you don’t want to fuel Bob’s possible “See, they don’t care about you, who needs them when you have ME to take care of?” tirade down the line. I think you go because MIL has (shortsightedly IMHO) cut off her old friends, and once the bloom is off the retirement community with the ex-wives, she will likely appreciate a social outlet that isn’t Bob or Bob-adjacent.
Who goes to dinner with their MIL expecting to enjoy it?
Someone above said to “enjoy time with mom” so I was commenting on that thought. Not whether or not to go, but why it would not be enjoyable.
I for one never enjoyed dining with MIL because she was so “caring” aka “controlling and intrusive”. We once went to a restaurant where we were seated at admittedly an awkward table and she said “Normally I wouldn’t sit here in a million years…” We all rose together while she protested the need to move. Husband and I still use that phrase to each other when shown to a bad table.
This is the same MIL that once said “Marilyn doesn’t like fruit” even though I’d eaten fruit in front of her. But not the peaches ripening on the kitchen windowsill. Or asked why we would ever go to the Gulf coast of Florida instead of the Atlantic side, all she knew. Or what 7 year old Son would ever do at DisneyWorld because all she knew was Epcot International Village.
I’m a MIL and I’m quite a fun dinner date - even for my SIL and DIL.
You can choose what type of a MIL you want to be.
Something to think about @Hoggirl . You pondered here on CC about what exactly to do for your MIL’s bday. Flowers or no flowers? Card or no card? Lunch? (I can’t remember the particulars for sure. Now it’s an occasion where she feels either she wants to or SHOULD do something nice for you two helping out. Maybe she is doing the same - “what is appropriate for me to offer up in this awkward situation we all seem to be in?” Maybe offering up dinner is her “send flowers”.
The relationship dance can be awkward - even with close family members.
This made me laugh. In the 45 years we have been married, my in-laws treated us to exactly two dinners. Whenever we were invited (all two times) we accepted. I’m not counting the college graduation dinner for DH. They did that for all of their kids.
Pick a nice restaurant that you enjoy…and go…in my opinion.
This is so sad. I loved my in-laws and willingly visited with and dined with them for 30-plus years. They invited us often, in fact would never let us pay when we went out together.
If my in-laws had invited us out, we most definitely would have gone out with them (which is why I think @hoggirl should go). But this wasn’t a thing they did. When we went to visit, I often took a meal to prepare for everyone with me. They just weren’t “eating out” folks. They also never ordered out pizza or Chinese. Or any other kind of carry out.
LOL. My husband has learned to ask “Is this table okay?” Sitting next to the waiter’s station or the bathroom at an expensive restaurant just isn’t relaxing to me and not worth it.
I love my in-laws and my spouse loves his in-laws. We know we are lucky!
Re: restaurant tables. I totally don’t want to sit near the bathrooms, kitchen/server stand (where they keep dishes etc.), or the door when it is cold. I will nicely request another table (but it isn’t all that often).
Re: MIL & Bob invitation. Of course I don’t know them, and everyone is complaining that she is selfish, but it sounds thoughtful of them to want to take our hoggirl and DH to thank them for their help.
Either way, they or some version of they want to take you out as a thank you. I thought it was a thoughtful gesture. (And I would want to keep an eye on how he is treating her and how she is doing. )
But I guess it will be odd to have MIL/mom living in her same town now.
@Hoggirl was being honest. Bob is new. He said something not very nice about his new wife’s daughter. I’m not sure I’d want to go out to dinner and wonder what he’s saying about me and my husband.
If I remember from the way back machine, the in laws weren’t exactly the take you out to dinner and pay for things kind of relatives. Not everyone has wonderful parents and memories of them. You also aren’t cutting them out but you aren’t exactly close. That’s life.
I think we (the collect we) tend to put our experiences and our feelings into how we would react. Not how other people with other experiences would.
Also not being excited to go to dinner and actually saying no if asked are 2 different things. And going to dinner with someone who is profoundly hard of hearing isn’t a picnic either. My fil was and it wasn’t fun for anyone.
Bob’s hearing loss really makes things challenging. We stopped by today so dh could pick up a document from mil. She has to repeat almost everything I say to him. He tends to hover, too. I’m sure it’s in an attempt to hear better, but it’s a bit unsettling having some man I barely know in my space. I know the hearing loss isn’t a choice, but it makes social situations even more awkward/difficult.
On the taking out to dinner/paying aspect @deb922 has this correct. My in-laws have NEVER been ones to reach for the check. When they visited us and we went out, we paid. When we visited them and we went out, we paid. I can count on one hand the number of times they treated us to a meal in the 30 years we were married when fil was alive. So, it is nice that mil is offering. But, it feels very obligatory/transactional/quid pro quo to me. “Since you did this for us, we have a social duty to do this.” Maybe I’m being too sensitive and/or reading it wrong. I’d much rather she would have said, “Can I take you out to Chicken Salad Chick to celebrate your birthday?” because she wanted to spend time with me. Or offered to take dh out for his birthday. She clearly stated, “We want to treat you because you did _______.” There’s no inkling of, “We’d like to spend time with you.” At least, that is my perception of the offer.
And, yes, the blue wingback chair is dumb. I saw it myself. But, the good news is they are going to get rid of it.
Mil’s house is now under contract. Cash offer and quick close. Really hopeful that goes through. If not, dh will have a high school classmate’s wife who is a realtor in his hometown list it. Dear nephew and roommate are getting the W/D and fridge out today. Habitat Restore took the dining table and chairs on Thursday.
Bob and mil have been working on the house at the CCRC. Monkey pics are now hung. I blacked out the reflection of mil’s face in the one. It’s hard to get a sense of how they look from the photos. Two are in the entryway and the largest one is at the end of the hallway that leads to the two bedrooms. But, now you can see which ones she has for those who are intrigued by the monkey pics. They still haven’t disposed of the blue wingback chair. I think they are waiting until everything is sorted so they can do one pick up.
