She has seemingly become very entitled, which has been my observations of Bob. I think I had written that when we went out to Thanksgiving with them, rather than asking the waitstaff person for water, he just waved/pointed to his glass. No, “please,” or, “thank you.” No words at all.
I know I have written upthread about mil’s wording to sil, “I need you to…”
It’s also common when nobody appears to welcome your new husband.
Where does Bob hale from?
Not saying “ please” and “ thank you “ is rude. Period. No matter where someone is from. Or how old they are.
It can be hard to welcome someone who seems to not have the best relationship history, comes off (at least initially) as seeing your M-MIL as a way to split the cost of housing. Who also seems not interested in his spouses family either. Not saying either side is entirely right but the “un-warm” feeling seems a bit mutual. @Hoggirl and her H have had several face to faces with Bob over the past 10 months or so and I don’t recall ANY of those being warm and fuzzy on his part either. Manners matter both ways.
Maybe MIL has met her soulmate who is sort of unwarm, unfuzzy as she has history to have been.
Arkansas. He and mil are from the same, small hometown.
Bingo!
I think MIL is exhausted. She’s had to change everything about her daily routine, has to find all new service providers in the new city (doctors, hair/nail people) has to meet new people, and has to act like a teenager with Bob and his love life.
I think the honeymoon/vacation life is ending and she’s coming to grips with what she’s lost (even if it is only the comfort of familiar restaurants and routines). She’s rude to SIL because she knows SIL will still be there. She may be being rude to Hogboy too, but he’s too busy to notice and doesn’t care. She’s probably treating him the same as she always did, but Hogboy doesn’t care and SIL was involved with MIL on a daily basis.
Anyway, just let her be. What more can Bob take from her? She’s already sold her house for him, moved for him, pays half his expenses, and controls their social life. If i were you, @Hoggirl I’d do whatever YOU want- call her more often, call her only on holidays, go about your days. Maybe she’ll decide she wants to go back to your old ways of taking girlfriend weekends or shopping trips but if she doesn’t, that’s her new life.
OP- as always, hugs. You are so magnificent in all the ways that count.
My only suggestions- everyone (I know you don’t control your SIL or H) might benefit from dialing down their expectations. Whether it’s due to hearing loss, entitlement, the narcissism of being in a new marriage and expecting everyone else to be caught up in the excitement or whatever… I think the family’s role at this point is to keep an eye out for MIL being isolated, marginalized, manipulated, etc. and to expect very little in return.
You are going to be continually feeling like a second class citizen or feeling used or whatever the right feeling is if you’re expecting a lot more from MIL and by extension- the happy couple. So just accept that the rules of engagement have changed. MIL expects you guys to sell her house for her; she expects some level of duty/devotion/showing up (or not, but it’s at her behest, not yours); she expects nothing from her previous friendships but presumably is relying on you to “make nice” with these people.
So change the channel. It’s great that you had a positive encounter with the H’s children… you may need them down the road. It’s great that there hasn’t been any big dramatic blowup with Bob. It’s great that for now, your MIL seems happy enough puttering and organizing, even though it’s been hard on you to be Property Manager for both her house and the new place.
But I’d dial down my expectations. If you feel like making the date with them so they can express their appreciation- then do it. It might not be what you want- but it’s what they are offering.
Hugs.
I agree. If my mom had responded to me like that, I’d be offended. It’s definitely rude.
They want to thank you…and that means spending a dinner with you. I’m not sure I understand why you feel this is only a quid pro quo. If that’s all they wanted to do, they could send you a Harry and David’s gift.
Please consider going.
She may also really want to see both of you, and using the dinner as a thank you gives her cover when/if Bob objects.
I am wondering why she feels the need to take you out for your help with move, and be so unappreciative of her daughter’s help with taking care of her house.
She has been paying my sil $100 a month for tending to the house.
We will go if she ever extends a true invitation. Not a vague idea with no specific date, time, or location.
To me, she should at least throw out a few dates that work for them. I don’t think it’s up to us to plan their appreciation dinner for us. Maybe I’m wrong with that thought.
When she invited us and Bob’s son and his wife to the holiday meal she hosted, she put out a group text with possible dates and asking about a start time that would work with my dh’s work schedule.
How about “we look forward to seeing you for dinner out. Do you have suggestions of a day, time and place?”
If she says no, then that’s another story.
Well, that really wouldn’t be true. We aren’t looking forward to it. That doesn’t mean we won’t go, won’t be gracious, etc.
Maybe she will bring it up when I take her to lunch on Thursday of next week.
That would be good.
$100/month is peanuts. I’m sorry MIL doesn’t realize how lucky she is that SIL continues to help her.
I suspect that it’s not mil’s idea but Bob’s. It doesn’t seem that it would occur to mil to thank someone for things they did for her, how the daughter is being treated.
Also misogyny, a woman is supposed to be the helper but the man needs to be thanked