I highly doubt it is Bob’s idea, given how he can’t thank a server for a glass of water. I suspect it’s more the she appreciates her S/Hoggirl and her D just gets dumped on
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I think we need to keep in mind that MIL and Bob are in their late 80s. A new marriage, the logistics of a relocation, house sale and commingled household setup is A LOT. My parents could never have handled all this without much assistance from us. MIL is also in a new environment where she is interacting with all new people everyday and probably needs to feel “on” much of the time. All this would be a lot of change for someone half her age. Add to that a family atmosphere that is not really welcoming of Bob ( and vice versa) and it must be pretty exhausting for her.
I know Bob has his many faults and certainly may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but he is now MIL’s husband and therefore part of the family. I don’t think MIL made a choice, family or Bob. She made the choice to bring Bob into her family. She shouldn’t be punished for not wanting to spend her golden years alone. Families evolve over time, holidays look different, traditions change. It’s not bad, it’s just different. Change can be hard and I think the weight of that change can be a little heavier in small families. There’s no passing off Bob to Uncle Ed in the corner for a chat. If the two grandsons bring partners to the family someday, it will evolve even more. The old way is just the old way, not the only way.
Hopefully, with the uncertainty, legalities and stressful move now behind, everyone can take a breath, relax and settle into a new family dynamic, Bob and all. Perhaps in more limited doses at least for now. Hoggirl has done a great job managing the family. I hope she can now let some of the stress go and I really hope SIL comes around. Maybe someone can say to MIL that “SIL would really love to have the monkeys someday. If you agree, can we reassure her and make it known to everyone now. I know it would mean a lot to her.”
The dinner invitation is a nice gesture. The fact that she mentioned a restaurant she knows you like is very thoughtful. I see nothing offensive or insincere about this invite. I like @thumper1 ‘s suggestion to ask about possible dates.
Let’s remember again, this couple is in their late 80s. Wanting them to manage everything themselves in a timely manner is not really practical anymore. No matter how together they may seem, their stamina, mobility, hearing, processing and planning skills are not what they once were…that’s just the aging process. I have struggled at times to remind myself of this when dealing with my own parents. Once I made peace with this, the load became much easier to bear.
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I’m struggling here…is SIL the “hired help” so the pay is too low? Really? Is that how she views herself? Is that how MIL views her? I doubt it but it does seem to be a dynamic built up over many years.
As to “how lucky she is for the help?”. Yes, it’s great to have help! But when it comes with judgement and strings it doesn’t necessarily feel that way. Mom is 80+ years old and probably doesn’t need any (more) judgement in her life. She’s made her decisions and willing to live with them. Beyond any direct scamming attempt on Bob’s part (and so far he seems to pass that test) it’s time to let them be. As a family member I’d “come when called” to help/rescue but begin to withold judgement and hope for the best.
And @hoggirl --I gotta say you all have done an amazing job pulling together to make this work out despite all the misgivings each of you have had!
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100%!
And I remind myself that I will probably be way worse than parents or in-laws. I have already apologized to my kids. 
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I am hopeful things will settle down once mil closes on the sale of her house.
I am not sure what kind of, “doses,” of Bob there will be for sil. Idk if mil plans to go visit her or if she plans to come up to visit mil. I fear neither will happen.
I think sil plans to do a group text with her, my husband, and mil asking mil to create a holographic codicil listing the things she wants (should mil predecease Bob) and get it notarized. She told me she wants the monkey prints, the diamond earrings fil gave to mil, and the family photo albums. I think that is it - might be one or two other things.
I think the most telling part will be who makes the effort once the house is closed on. Mil needs sil now. She won’t after the closing happens.
Idk if I mentioned this before or not (I think I did), but when I took mil out to lunch after the TransAtlantic crossing in late August she was talking about Christmas for this past year. That’s when I said I wouldn’t stay in the house in her town if Bob were there. We’d stay in a hotel. Anyway, mil said, “We have them outnumbered - we should make them come here.” Meaning she, I guess Bob, dh, myself, and our ds made five while sil and her son only made two.
I honestly don’t see this going well going forward unless sil has a change of heart, and I really don’t see that happening. Rightly or wrongly, I believe sil feels mil has chosen Bob over her.
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My goal is to be sweet and compliant. Boy, do I have a LONG way to go!
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I’m remembering our old “Just smile and nod.”
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Yeah, in our family we say, “Pass the bean dip.”
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But your MIL will still “need” your H to help manage her finances…. so it’s not as if the house sells and the children go off and live their lives. And at some point, if it bothers your H that his mom has essentially washed her hands of her daughter, he can say something.
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He could say something, but I don’t think he would.
Only time will tell how things will play out.
Took mil to lunch today. It was okay. She was pleasant. Had two glasses of wine. She really just seems, “old,” to me now. Which, at 87, I suppose she is.
They are talking about travel, but I’m not seeing anything actually happening in that direction. He has a travel agent he has used for decades who books everything for them. They want to do a Viking British Isles cruise this spring. A New England and Canada cruise this fall. But nothing is booked, so I don’t know how feasible either of those are. The CCRC had their meeting yesterday afternoon about all the group trips they are doing for 2026 and 2027. They did not attend. Bob says, “We want to do trips they won’t do.” Yet, he doesn’t even know what they are doing because they didn’t go to the meeting. I’ve seen pics on FB. They look super fun, and I know they fill up quickly. Bob also said, “We are too young to travel with those old people.” He thinks he’s being funny. My theory is he doesn’t want to go because then mil could pay attention to and converse with other people so wouldn’t give him her undivided attention. He needs her to sit right beside him to tell him what people are saying.
She also mentioned going back to her former town to visit family. “Need to take daughter to lunch (so I think she knows sil will resist being around Bob) and see my brother and sister.” Me: “Oh, when will you do that?” Her: “Oh, I don’t know. You know I’m not a planner.” So, there is just nothing solid planned for any kind of travel whether abroad or within the state. Just talk.
She thanked me for lunch and said we’d go again, but I know that won’t happen unless I initiate.
We actually went out to dinner with them on Tuesday night. Came about because she needed to sign a document to change the closing date on her house which now isn’t until next Friday. I do think it’s going to happen. The buyer just wanted a ridiculously tight closing schedule. Anyway, she asked if we wanted to meet them at a Tex-Mex place, but, “This doesn’t count for taking you out for fine dining for helping with the move.” This was on a group text with my dh. Dh responded that we helped because we wanted to help and that this was fine enough for us. It’s a place all of us like.
Bob just cannot hear. Almost everything I said at dinner (he seems to hear dh better - probably because his voice is in a lower register), mil had to repeat (sometimes more than once) directly in his ear. He is looking into a cochlear implant. Anyway, they have now treated us to a dinner, so that is no longer looming.
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Things can change pretty dramatically in 70s & 80s. My spouse is 83. 13 months ago, he didn’t want nor need me at any medical appts. Now, he needs me at all medical appts and I attend all and prepare summaries before and after visits and keep his medical team current and ask the Qs we need to get answered. I hope your MIL and Bob will handle whatever comes their way with grace.
H and I each have at least one close friend with significant dementia (having a hard time recalling their own kids). My friend is 79 and his is 82.
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MIL wouldn’t be the first elderly person who only does social things when someone else initiates. Or the first elderly person who can muse (sometimes ad nauseum) about all the things he/she is planning to do, none of which ever happen.
I’d cut her slack here. The whole planning/executing/operating executive function skills erode even in healthy folks with no dementia. Don’t underestimate how difficult even simple things become. Healthy folks the age of your MIL sometimes struggle with organizing. I think it’s a miracle they’re figuring out the whole “combining two households” stuff (even with significant help from you guys).
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I believe this is the first mention where it feels like MIL actually cares to see her D, even if it doesn’t happen. I wonder if you could mention it to your SIL. “Hey MIL mentioned she’d like to take you to lunch some time.” No expectations of either of you doing anything to help, just to let SIL know that MIL was thinking of her. Maybe that would help her mentally.
I know my parents have never been good at showing approval. It has affected by brother badly, and one reason for the low contact. On our trip with my parents, however, they kept on and on about how impressed they were with my brother’s company and how awesome they thought his life was. I passed the info on to my brother who seemed very surprised and appreciated the info.
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I did share that with sil. Like me, she just doesn’t see mil and Bob making the effort to go back. I hope we are both wrong.
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Maybe this is somewhere you could help facilitate a visit. Perhaps offer to drive MIL and meet halfway for a “girls lunch”. That would also take care of the “Bob, no Bob” issue. I’m not so sure that expecting 87 year olds to plan and navigate multi hour road trips is really a great idea anymore. The less driving they need to do at this age, the better.
Bob and MIL may want to do non CCRC trip so it feels more like a vacation and not another week with the same folks they see everyday. Just another perspective.
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This right here. They are old. They have just done a major move from out of town with roadblocks like a winter storm.
I think you have to try and stop back and not judge their lifestyle now. As long as it’s not affecting you. They are old. Travel may sound nice but like climbing a mountain to make it happen. Going back yo her hometown might feel like what she should do but in actuality she may not have the energy for it. I don’t know them of course but 3 hour car drives should probably be the exception not the rule.
Maybe lower your expectations- it’s hard to do with those we love and those we want to not get old.
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My inlaws are also in their mid 80s. They are still traveling regularly, often at the last minute because that’s when they can get better deals. They are also still driving, sometimes hours away to see friends who live in other parts of the state. At this point, they are still very able, both in mind and body. Yes, they are slowing down but FIL still rides 14 miles/day on his bike, MIL walks, they both play golf, and are very active with friends and family.
They both also wear hearing aids. They are a big help! I hope Bob will get the implant!
I just wouldn’t automatically assume that because Bob and MIL are in their mid 80s that they aren’t capable of doing what they intend and are talking about.
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Not assuming. It’s based on what we have heard/read over the past year.
Your parents are very fortunate. I hope to be that fortunate! But I think in mid to upper 80s that is more the exception not the rule.
And if Bob and MIL are the exception good for them.
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My folks went on a FEW trips in they’d late 80s. One or more of us “kids” would always accompany them because they really needed an escort and more help than they realized. Travel was very tiring for them and anyone who accompanied them. We took them to Mt Rushmore, Yellowstone and SF opera (2 trips). My brother & SisIL took them to Europe & mom fell and got bruises on her face! My other sisters took her to watch Cleveland play pro football for 2 different games and 2 separate trips.
After that we all agreed—no more travel!
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