By the way @Hoggirl — just want to let you know that we on this thread think you are handling things with a lot of grace and class. Aging can be a very unpredictable process. Some folks do great until their last days on earth while many others do not have that experience.
My folks mainly did pretty well until their mid-80s. H and many of his friends are similarly doing pretty well through the 70s and then for some things unravel. It can be unpredictable how they can be somewhat their old selves for a bit and then very confused and disoriented and then glimpses of their old selves.
I’ve noticed that different people react differently to the confusion. My dad would get angry because he’s used to being in control and tried fighting the confusion (which made it tough for folks to help). Mom mostly was quiet and would just go along. Maybe Bob and MIL are following similar gender roles?
My friend who has dementia and is 79 mostly asks a lot of questions of me and is grateful I’m there. In her lucid times, she’s sad and teary, because she knows she’s losing her brilliant mind, her most precious posession (her words).
This is a great way of describing how some elderly react and exactly what we saw with my dad. Think toddlers with some knowledge of what’s happening to them. They feel they should still be able to assemble a grill, but just can’t anymore.
I think the Hog family needs to step back and decide on their goals. If the goal is to make MIL live with her decision to marry Bob no matter the collateral damage, then proceed on the current course.
But if the goal is a peaceful family atmosphere, a few accommodations need to be made for a couple of aging octogenarians. This isn’t caving to MIL and Bob, this is life with aging parents.
The Bob bashing should stop. Analyzing every word and move is just not productive or healthy for anyone. He’s here, it is what it is, time to move on. Someone else needs to be the family get together planner. Who cares who makes the first move, the goal is to see one another. MIL stating a desire to get together is about all the initiation she should be expected to contribute at this point. No one will like her indecisiveness, lack of planning or convoluted timeline anyway, so……how can we make a get together happen. Aside from an occasional trip “back home”, SIL and nephew being the travelers does make more sense. Traveling can be very taxing on the elderly. Let them be well rested for some of the visits. I don’t recall, has SIL seen the CCRC?
Finding a new normal can be frustrating. I’m sure you’ll all get there.
No, she has not. I have invited her to come up for a visit and stay with us. Maybe I should be more specific/intentional, but I don’t want to pressure her. I have told her that she has a standing invite as does her son, my nephew. Right now, we have two guest bedrooms. I’ve told her they can both stay here as long as my ds isn’t in town visiting. So, they have a free place to stay for now. That won’t be the case once our new house is finished - we’ll only have one guest bedroom (though we do also have an air mattress.).
Honestly, the new normal is not that different for me. Fil was a PITA; now Bob is a PITA.
I do think the burden is on sil to make the effort to come up here. Idk if she ever will or not. Acceptance of this situation has been understandably much harder on her than on me.
I need to realize that I cannot fix all the long-time baggage that exists in my dh’s family of origin.
I’m a super-fan in the @Hoggirl fan club. And at some point, yes, everyone has to realize that the only thing they can control right now is how they react to the situation.
Well, you can be more specific when S will be in town and say he’d love to see you and nephew—they could share a room with nephew on air mattress. It is gracious of you to have the open invitation.
Reminds me of a skit I saw where the comedian drags a huge amount of suitcases on stage and claims that this is just the baggage they carry with them…more at home.
You (or others) might recall when I asked a couple of years ago about buying a townhouse with all bedrooms upstairs. It really is fine for now, but we always knew this place would be a placeholder for us. It wasn’t crazy expensive, and it was available when we needed it.
They’re now building a huge area of single family homes behind the townhomes. Zero lot lines, yard maintenance included in the HOA fees. We’ll be in a 55+, “pocket community,” within the new development and with the primary downstairs. Hooray! We love our location so are glad we aren’t moving far. Hopefully, we will finally be, “right-sized,” in this home.
Ooohhhh, a brand new home on one story in a community you love and association handles all yard work. Sounds like an ideal situation! So happy for you!
For better or worse, I have told sil that we (I) can do a mil, “hand-off,” at the halfway point between the towns. We had discussed this in the past. Mil could stay three nights or so with sil and visit other family (mil’s sil has had some health issues). If she insists that Bob accompany her, sil will tell her they need to drive themselves. She says she will not chauffeur Bob around. They would also have to stay in a hotel as sil only has one double bed in her guestroom. Remember, Bob is TALL. Not to mention that sil wouldn’t invite Bob to stay in her home.
Not sure if mil will agree to go visit without Bob or if Bob will, “allow,” her to go without him. I think all of that will be very telling.
Sil will talk to dear nephew first about timing since he has work/school.
Sil did say she and my dear nephew plan to come and stay with us sometime. So, at least that is in the back of her mind.
I’m sorry to hear that SIL can’t even muster up a car ride with Bob. Them needing to stay at a hotel due to the full bed is understood. But I have to say, not willing to drive them if Bob comes is not going to help her relationship with her mother.
I don’t know, not driving them sounds petty to me.
How nice of a visit can it be if MIL doesn’t even feel comfortable talking about Bob?!
100%. And I speak from personal experience when I say that SIL’s relationship with her mother won’t get any better with time if SIL doesn’t make an effort now.
Totally agree that SIL’s relationship with her mother is not Hoggirl’s problem to fix.
It just can make things awkward for Mr. Hoggirl with his mom and sister, which then can impact Hoggirl. But again, not for her to solve.
For myself, I like it much better when people can play nice, even if they have to fake it. I’m pretty conflict avoidant and these kinds of family dynamics make me twitchy in my own life.
I grew up in an “everyone play nice” family and therefore I no longer ascribe to that POV. For me, it’s healthier when folks can be transparent with each other over touchy situations. But that would require SIL sitting MIL down and saying “I am hurt that since you met Bob, you haven’t had time for me or my son; I am sad that it seems that by moving away we aren’t going to be as involved in your life that we used to be and I miss that”.
The passive/aggressive ignoring Bob, won’t be in the same room as Bob, you can’t sleep here because he’s too tall and the bed’s too short- no. That’s how my family of origin played it. Make nice and pretend it’s all ok but have invisible red lines that someone shouldn’t cross.
For 100 bucks SIL can buy a King Size aerobed to set up in the LR and everyone can be modestly inconvenienced for a night. Or borrow from a neighbor (my neighborhood swap has King, Queen, Full, single, and about 10 cots with mattresses of various sizes which we all drive around depending on who is hosting which relatives).
But this is not OP’s problem to solve. If the H is hurt that his sister is shut out- he can discuss it with his mom. If the SIL is hurt that her relationship with her mom has been marginalized- they can talk about it. OP has been a saint– her halo needs no further polishing!!!
Agreed that tactfully being transparent about feelings and the REAL issue is the ideal!
I grew up in an everyone screams at each other and no one holds back anything family. I know that’s why I’m so conflict avoidant.
I’ve also gotten pretty clear about how to communicate my feelings, using I statements, staying calm, and not being passive aggressive. (Lots of therapy to get to that place).
Passive aggressive ignoring Bob is NOT playing nice in my book. SIL should suck it up and meet her mom half way, make some kind of effort to be around Bob, buy the king aerobed, etc…. By avoiding him entirely she is never going to accept him and she’s going to erode her relationship with her mom and squander the time they have left.
It really is fine for now, but we always knew this place would be a placeholder for us. It wasn’t crazy expensive, and it was available when we needed it.