A reminder that sil overheard Bob saying some things about her when mil didn’t hang her phone up before Bob decided to talk badly about someone trying to help them
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lol. And a reminder SIL already hadn’t been nice to Bob before that.
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Life is messy sometimes. MIL, Bob, & SIL are all adults and have been adulting for a long time. And as adults, they each can decide for themselves what they are and are not willing to do or willing to put up with.
Given the nasty things that Bob said about SIL, if it were me, I wouldn’t be willing to roll out the red carpet for him either. I, too, would probably avoid him and stay away. Why? Because you teach others how to treat you.
SIL has clearly decided that she’s not willing to subject herself to his nonsense. That’s totally understandable. If she’s willing to meet up w/MIL w/o Bob? Hey, that’s great. But whether or not that actually happens is up to MIL.
And if MIL’s priority now is doing what Bob wants and catering to Bob’s wants/needs/demands, then yeah…SIL & MIL getting together probably isn’t going to happen as often.
However, at the same time, is that really all that bad? Based on what OP has said earlier in this thread, perhaps SIL & MIL were a little too enmeshed with each other’s daily lives. And perhaps SIL having some distance from that (with an opportunity to figure out now what SHE wants to do w/her life, instead of put it on hold for everybody else) is a good thing for her.
Maybe SIL is more than a little mad at her mom. That would be understandable.
Re: where everybody is going to get together for end-of-year holidays, MIL is the one who moved. In my opinion, it should be totally ok if SIL isn’t able to go to MIL’s area for every holiday. I mean, think about it…MIL basically reconnected with some guy she knew decades ago in high school and in a manner of weeks, married him, moved in with him, told SIL that dealing with MIL’s house is all her job now…oh and guess what, SIL? You have to come to MIL’s house and suck it up to play Happy Family.
If I were SIL, I’d need some time away from all of that dysfunction and all of those demands. Forget that. Nope. I’m not signing up for that anymore. I’d do my part to help MIL close out selling her house and then I’d take a vacation from that for a little while.
Side note:
If people want to visit SIL & SIL has no room, they can stay in a nearby hotel. Same for relatives visiting OP & her MIL in their area. It’s not the end of the world.
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As sad/regretful as some of these latest posts are, I am so happy that we all have a safe space to share how our families of origin handled conflict and how that has turned us into the adults we are. Other than my therapist (who died during covid, to the eternal sadness of her patients and of course her friends and family) it is tough sometimes to talk about this stuff with our friends IRL. Man of them are still committed to sugar-coating their childhoods (even when we know better) and can’t get to the “I’m an adult, I have agency” stage when thinking about their family issues.
Thanks to all of you for the candor. A real shot in the arm for me. And I hope for OP….
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Two thoughts:
Who wants to be a guest at a home where it’s clear you aren’t really accepted? Hotel isa better option at this point in trying to maintain or repair the relationship- not a place where you are together 24/7 (my opinion)
I know aerobeds can be reasonably comfy - laying down. But two octogenarians getting in and out of one? Unless they are quite short (haha) - I don’t know! If SIL had a bigger than full bed she could offer that to them and she sleeps in the living room.
But we know that option isn’t going to come to fruition either.
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Wow, this is a tough audience. 
I don’t recall all 2,404 posts (and certainly won’t be able to when I am hoggirl’s MIL’s age. lol).
But I think SIL needs to suck it up some. Don’t like Bob? Sure, we here all get that! But don’t let Bob get in the way of her relationship with her mother. I fear she may regret that some day. SIL is the adult here…Bob and MIL not so much. Don’t let Bob control you and your feelings. At this point, the situation is what it is. Recognize that, suck it up, make the best of it…for her mother. And for herself.
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Hoggirl-SIL is responsible for her own actions and happiness/unhappiness. You can support her but she needs to decide her path. Once the house closes, I would no longer feed into her angst by discussing MIL and Bob in any more than short simple statements. No analyzing details and behaviors. “We went to dinner with MIL and Bob. It was pleasant and MIL seems to be settling in. How was your weekend? We’re really getting excited about our upcoming move. Have I told you about xxxxxxx in the new house? I can’t wait for you to see it.”
I really think many of these issues are not MIL and Bob specific but rather aging parent related. It can be frustrating. Aging symptoms can really accelerate when one is in their 80s. They can accelerate, then slow down, then speed up again. The parents you have today may not be the parents you had last month, or the parents you will see next month. Don’t expect them to plan, reason out and execute the way they were once able. The skills just are not as sharp and will continue to decline. Just because MIL doesn’t think to initiate a lunch date with you, doesn’t mean she wouldn’t enjoy it. Continue to ask her. Remember the goal, spending time together.
I hope SIL comes around. She doesn’t have to love Bob or even like him, but she can tolerate him…for her mother…and all the family. SIL and Bob have both expressed disdain for each other, neither is at more fault than the other. Both have acted less than welcoming. I’m with @abasket, 24/7 houseguest time is probably not in anyone’s best interest. I also think the first few visits may be easier if you and HB are also there. The more the merrier!
HB may need to encourage his sister.
Hang in there!
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But, is Bob getting in the way of mil’s relationship with her daughter??
The good news of the day is that mil is going to go visit sil without Bob and stay with her five nights! She confirmed that this afternoon. I will drive her to a halfway point for the, “handoff.” Sil has made plans for mil to spend time with each of her siblings, to see the now moved-into house that her other grandson is living in, to visit her deceased sister’s grave (in a town where she will see nieces and nephews) and for a wine gathering at sil’s house with Friend L and Friend C.
I am going to take some credit here (at least my dh gives me credit) because I am the one who suggested to sil she extend an intentional invite within a specific time frame.
Mil has never been an organized person or a planner. My observations are that her executive function skills have declined. I didn’t think waiting for mil to plan a visit to see sil would ever yield results. The fact is that, at 87, mil’s executive functioning skills have declined. Whether Bob were in the picture or not, she needs more help than she used to. That has to do with aging, not Bob. I think @my-3-sons is spot on.
What I don’t know (and likely never will) is how Bob feels about this. He may be unhappy she’s going without him, but he may actually be relieved.
I told dh I would be willing to help these visits happen three or four times a year. I agree that sil needs to at least try to tolerate being around Bob occasionally. Maybe she will be more amenable to that after mil visits.
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This is great progress. Well done!
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I wrote out a long post, but I’m just going to say YEA!
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Now, I’m disappointed I don’t get to see what you wrote!
I’ll msg you if I can find it on my desktop
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What a great update! You should pat yourself on the back for facilitating this. Hopefully, this is the start of mending fences between SIL and MIL.
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Mil’s house closed today! Money is in her account! The house sale has been a stressor for dh and sil, and they are both very relieved. As someone who has tried to be supportive to both of them through it, I am relieved as well. Sil says she was extremely happy to remove mil’s house key from her key chain. We all need a break from the disruption and turmoil this relationship has brought into our lives.
It’s really crazy to think of all the changes that mil has made since she announced, “I have a littie secret…” on Mother’s Day weekend last year.
I expect I’ll have fewer updates going forward. I will definitely report on how mil’s visit at the end of the month goes to see sil and other family members and friends back in her former town. I’ll also report on whether Bob proceeds with a cochlear implant. And whether or not these international trips they have discussed ever come to fruition.
Thank you, THANK YOU, for your support, advice, practical suggestions, humor, and radical honesty through the last ten months. I have valued having a safe place to vent, whine, and fret. Being able to come here was HUGELY helpful to my mental and emotional well-being. I’m very appreciative of the CC community. 
(The assembled grill was delivered yesterday and one of the delivery people attached the tank (that Bob thankfully didn’t return!) for them)
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I’m going to my 50th hs reunion this summer. Do we think this thread will have a Part II?
(We did have marriages after the 5th reunion and the 25th)
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thank you taking us on this journey with you! It has has been one of the more interesting posts I’ve ever read. You are the best DIL I’ve ever known!
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What am I gonna do now without this thread to tune into? (it’s all about me!)
We need a “Say it here but replies welcome” thread?
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Thanks @Hoggirl for being so honest and vulnerable and human with all of us and bringing us along on this fascinating journey. Wishing all of you the best as all of you move forward and hoping that MIL’s visit helps her relationship with SIL.
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I’m back!
Yesterday I drove mil to the halfway point to, “hand her off,” to sil for her five day visit. We had a nice conversation on the drive down, and she seemed less guarded than she did when I last took her out for the belated birthday lunch.
Things of note:
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mil and Bob are doing a trip to Italy in October with the CCRC group. We are all really happy about this because they were talking about traveling solo. Itinerary looks fantastic. I asked, “I thought Bob didn’t want to travel with the CCRC?” Mil said they’d decided to give it a try.
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Because of the trip, they are putting off the cochlear implant exploration for him.
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They have not used the grill because Bob is afraid of it. Thinks he will blow up their house. I said, “So, I guess getting the grill was your idea?” (Mil had a grill at her former house and used it quite often). Mil: “No, it was Bob’s idea.”
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When I asked about whether they had received the results of his cardiac event monitor (he willingly told dh and me about it at dinner), she said it was all clear. No issues. BUT said she had found the results on his phone when on it doing something else for him. He did not know he had received his results. She said, “Bob hates that phone. He wishes he could just have one you only talk on.” I told her such phones were available. It does make me sad for the elderly - the tech stuff is just a challenge for them.
Since being with sil she has learned that Wife #4 and her daughter came by to see what they’d done with the house, decorating wise??? Wife #4 took two TVs (apparently he had one in every room) and the blue chair!!! Really unclear how that came about! Sil says that mil said she sees wives 1 and 4 often around the CCRC. Questions about that made her defensive so sil dropped it.
BUT, the most telling thing has been how much Bob has already been on the phone with mil. He called her because he couldn’t find something in his office. Called her because he didn’t understand how the linen service worked so he needed her to call him this morning to remind him to get them set out. (! He can’t set his own alarm?? His sheets never got washed after wife #4 moved out?? What happened with the sheets during the year and a half after wife #3 died??)
The weirdest thing he brought up in one call was seeing that in the front of a landscaping coffee table book of mil’s there was a signature by the author that read, “To my love…” as part of it. And he was questioning her about it!! “Did the author give this to you directly? Do we have a problem here?” Mil explained to him that she had just stood in line at a signing. He questioned why he wrote, “my love.” I think Bob was finally appeased when mil told him the author was gay!! So apparently, he was flipping through mil’s coffee table book and then got jealous because of the wording the male author had used (it was dated 2022, btw).
Sil believes that mil has become more feeble and mentally slower since she saw her in mid-December. Believes she is moving slower. Mil walked daily before she moved here. Bob initially walked with her when she would come for visits (during the, “courting,” stage), but that has stopped. So, mil is no longer walking. I have offered to go with her. Sil thinks mil’s lack of daily walking is slowing her down. She has also developed back problems recently.
Between my conversation and what sil has observed thus far, it really does seem that Bob needs a, “handler.” Someone to assist him with navigating life. It’s going to be interesting to see how much mil pays attention to his calls when she is visiting with her friends and family on this trip. I fear this is going to be a point of friction.
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Glad to hear the update! I’m so glad MIL went down alone to see her daughter. That is great! Also wonderful about the trip with their community. Much safer than solo and much less responsibility for your MIL.
I chuckled about all the calls. My FIL does that too ; )
I do hope your MIL gets back to her daily walks. So important for good health.
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