I miss hearing the news, if you are up to it.
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Ditto. But I hope no news is good news.
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Ditto! It’s as if General Hospital went off the air.
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Okay. Here is something that we just learned of Saturday.
Remember how mil and Bob had signed up to go to Italy in October with the CCRC group? And how relieved we were that they had chosen to travel with them? Well….my dh had to go over to their house on Saturday to discuss some financial stuff with mil. He asked, “Remind me again of your dates for your Italy trip?” Mil: “Oh, I guess we haven’t told you…”
They canceled that trip and booked a Viking cruise from NY to Montreal instead. Just the two of them. I told dh he needed to tell his sister which he did. Sil and I decided I should bring it up on the group text. Dh didn’t ask nearly enough questions when he was at their house - lol. So yesterday morning I wrote on the mil/sil/me group puzzle text, “I was surprised to learn from dh that you and Bob had changed your travel plans?” So she shared about that. She had told dh when he saw them that the first class airfare to Italy was too high ($10k each), so they canceled that and had Bob’’s travel agent start looking for something for them. I asked her when they had pivoted. “Oh, about three weeks ago.” When she sent the itinerary, they had booked on May 12th. No idea how long prior to that they had canceled Italy, but she said they canceled and then had the agent start looking. She never said a word about their changing plans, and I am sure she wouldn’t have shared had he not directly asked about the Italy travel dates. She did not ask anything about how our new house construction was coming along or the sale of our townhouse. She does not share anything of substance and she does not ask anything of substance. Does her puzzles and comments on the weather. It is ONLY when we directly ask questions that she shares information.
We chatted in the group text a bit about the new trip. Mil was under the impression this ship only held 120 people. Um, no. It holds 930 - I googled it. It goes into the Atlantic Ocean! She wrote, “I hadn’t considered the logistics.” So she had no idea of the size of the ship.
It is just much more worrisome to us that they are traveling at ages 87 and 86 by themselves. I do not know how they decided that the airfare to Italy was too $$$. Part of me thinks that is an excuse that Bob used to get the change. I don’t think he ever wanted to go on the group trip. He does not do much interacting with anyone at the CCRC.
Friend L just got back from a Viking river cruise in Europe and is beside herself that Bob and mil are doing this and not traveling with a group. Her husband isn’t the steadiest at age 82, and she said that Viking is not elderly friendly. Sil is having lunch with her and Friend C tomorrow, and I told sil she is going to get an ear full from Friend L. Friend L says that sil should intervene! This is the theme we hear over and over again from people outside our family. That we should stop mil from doing things. We should’t let her move/sell her house/marry him/go on this trip, etc. I’m not sure why people aren’t familiar with the concept of free will. We ALL think this is a bad choice for them to travel alone, but how are we supposed to stop it?!
In other news, we traveled to mil’s former town over Memorial Day weekend for a one-night trip so my dh could visit with his cousin who was in rehab there. We, of course, also saw sil and nephew and other family members. Mil and Bob were entertaining his daughter and 10-year-old grandson that weekend/week after Memorial Day weekend. They stayed several nights with them. Wife #1 (the mother of their (Bob’s) two children) has moved to the nursing care section of the CCRC so the daughter cannot stay with her mother anymore. Even though mil had been adamant that we meet Bob’s son and do the Very Brady Christmas Dinner with him and his wife, there was no movement by mil that we meet the daughter/grandson who were visiting from out of state. She posted several photos of their outing on the boat with the son, daughter, grandson and Bob and her. Interestingly, the very first photo was not of any of the family but of the boat itself. It’s the only thing she has posted since they got married and did include photos of Bob even though he says he doesn’t like his photo on there. The background music to her post was, “What a Wonderful World.”
Even though the daughter and grandson left early on the Friday morning after Memorial Day, mil did not play bridge that afternoon. This past Friday she did not play bridge either because Bob wanted to go out on the boat. So, she is not getting much bridge time in at all. I think he doesn’t like her playing because it is time away from him.
TL;DR - are y’all sorry you asked??? 
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Your octogenarians sound very much like mine 
We always find out after the fact what they booked or what they’ve changed.
I will say that they have had good luck on Viking and they are actually also doing another cruise next month. They have said the bigger ships are actually better for them at this point from a mobility perspective. There’s also more going on onboard which helps if they don’t feel like going on the shore excursion or are too tired.
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First of all, I SO appreciate your sense of humor “The Very Brady Christmas” 
The quote above - all you can do is express concerns or holes in their plans - what they decide is what they decide. Clearly MIL - or Bob - is not really interested or considering what the rest of the family thinks. I think you just have to roll with this - and not feel responsible beyond sending your frank thoughts.
If they are on a ship at least there are others/medical around should any emergencies happen. Not ideal to not be with a group or even some others they know - but their call.
I also have to say that while sometimes it seems MIL isn’t all “with it” - concerns about communication and doesn’t ask about other family happenings etc….. she IS “with it” enough to put music on her social media posts! 
. I just think she was and is more self-centered. Bob is probably encouraging even more of that.
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The frustrating part is that mil seems to get bent out of shape when we don’t tell her our much-less-significant plans. We did not tell her we were going to her former town for one night over Memorial Day weekend. After the fact, she commented on the group text, “I didn’t know you were going to ________.” Which is a neutral statement in and of itself, but it feels prickly. I explained it was a last-minute decision (which it was). I mean, she/they could not have joined us because they were hosting Bob’s daughter and grandson.
The thing I do not know is if she has awareness that she neither tells us anything nor asks us anything. I don’t know if that is by design or because she has become more self-centered. Or if Bob doesn’t like her communicating with us.
I know a woman who lives at the CCRC, and I ran into her on the walking trail. She is the same age as Bob and mil. Two of her kids were in college with me. She and her now deceased husband also attended the same college, and I’ve had interactions with her throughout the years on college alumni boards as well as through shared professional organizations. Anyway, she has known Bob and ALL his wives. Wife #4, in particular (remember she also lives at the CCRC), is a good friend of hers. Wife #4 has also moved into the nursing home section, so her daughter can also not stay with her mother when she visits, so she stays with this woman when she visits from out of state. She told me that Bob intentionally tried to keep Wife #4 from her family. She described him as very controlling and said. “I feel bad for all of you.” Very worrisome.
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OP- hugs and thanks for the update.
I think any time they spend on a cruise is time he is NOT spending piloting his own boat, driving, or anything else that poses a danger to other people. So I wouldn’t fret about the new cruise information. Even if they do nothing but stroll across the deck a few times a day and go to meals… there will be opportunities for MIL to talk to people, have some social time that isn’t BOB/BOB/BOB.
And I still maintain that anything that gets her more connected with Bob’s kids ultimately is a good thing for all of you. First of all, because meeting her will undercut their suspicion that she’s a gold-digger who married him for his money which we all know is not true. Second, because having other people in the mix who care about what happens to them, can be relied upon in an emergency situation, etc. is important. And third- who cares if she plays bridge or not??? Do you have any idea how frustrating and sad and maddening it is to have an elderly parent who will literally not do ANYTHING that one of the kids hasn’t planned, or provided funds for, or provided transportation to and from. And you’ve got a MIL who is double booked??? Amazing and wonderful.
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I haven’t read all the responses but in my opinion I think the Viking cruise is a perfect trip for octogenarians
It’s not the ocean vessel but the expedition ship. Holds 300+ish. It’s smaller than the ones that go to the Mediterranean for instance. They are the ships that go to Antarctica. They will be fine. There will be plenty in their age group.
I’ve been on Viking ocean and river. Both can be adapted to the age you are. A Great Lakes cruise can for those who no longer want to travel long distances anymore. It’s a great option in my opinion
As someone who went to Europe last year in business class there. It’s hard, even in lay flat seats with the time difference and the travel, it’s not that easy. That they decided not to go, they might have understood that they weren’t up to that.
As far as not playing bridge, it will be there all winter when there is no boating to do.
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Viking river cruise are a whole different ballgame than either ocean or expedition ships. Not because of the ships but because Europe isn’t that mobility friendly. They still have leisure groups for those that don’t want to walk as far. But cobblestones and steps galore.
Our ocean cruise had excursions that were basically bus tours with a few stops. The ship has lots more to do on board. River ships are more of a moving hotel than cruise ship.
Maybe there is an ocean ship that goes on that route but I think it’s the smaller expedition ship
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Its the Viking Mars that sales between NYC and Montreal. It carries 930 passengers and it’s $10000/person.
I did a flight search, business class from NYC to Milan is $5000/person in September.
I don’t think it is the cost that’s driving them to the cruise. Bob likes cruises.
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The name of the ship is the Mars. It holds 930 people per Google.
This is their itinerary. It goes from NY to Montreal. Looks like next year’s trips go the other way. Or maybe that is all that is still available for next year
They have two nights in Boston. A couple of days are sea days. I think one (maybe two?) places they must tender.
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Yes, we’d seen their cost when she sent the itinerary.
I hadn’t thought to check flight costs myself. Maybe dh misheard, and it was a total of $10k.
I agree that Bob likes cruises. I think he talked her out of it. He has always poo-poo’d the CCRC’s trips when mentioning them to us. “They don’t go places we want to go.” Mil also said, “We’ve both been to Italy. We wanted a nice, restful vacation.” Idk how restful Viking trips are. I suppose they can be if you skip the excursions (even the included ones) altogether. I saw the excursions are rated by how strenuous they are - easy, moderate, demanding.
Mil used to walk nearly every day in her old neighborhood. That has all but stopped since she’s been at the CCRC, even though there is a lovely trail right behind it. On her visits up here BEFORE she married him, he walked with her. Not now. All that to say, that she hasn’t been keeping up with her walking, so idk how her current stamina is.
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I think it is trade off to go with the CCRC (supervision) but in Europe and solo on the Viking ship but staying in North America. I think you could get to them easier in US/Canada in case of an emergency, so that’s a plus IMO. There is also the length of the flight to Italy that would worry me about two old people. Yes, they’d be flying first class but it still a long and disorienting flight there and back.
But if you are worried I’m willing to go on the cruise with them to senior-sit. I don’t need first class flights but would like a balcony cabin, please!
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It makes me sad that your MIL no longer walks. Walking is the one thing that can really help keep her healthy at her age. When my mom stopped walking 2 years ago because she was taking care of my dad it depressed her. It was one of the reasons I pushed for them to get help so my mom could get out and do things.
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It may be that MIL isn’t choosing not to share plans and changes in plans with you. It may be that she’s having difficulty remembering to tell you.
No bridge and no walking makes me very concerned.
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100% agree that it’s not good that she is no longer walking. The fact that she is no longer walking or playing bridge does concern me. It seems as if she is giving up HER activities/ hobbies for Bob. But it’s her choice.
The people who say that you/ your H/ SIL should have stopped her marriage, house sale etc. are out of line. She is a competent adult and she can make her own decisions even if they appear to be poor choices.
Honestly I don’t think there is much you can do. Hugs.
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No, I do not. And that sounds hard. I’m sorry your family is in that situation.
One reason I want her playing bridge is that it was something she did once or twice a week before she married Bob. Just like walking, it was a hobby she had that she is no longer pursuing because of him. And, to your other point within your post, bridge gives her the opportunity to interact with other people and not have her existence be consumed by BOB/BOB/BOB. True, she can interact with others on the ship, but those interactions will only be for a limited time while they are on the cruise. On the other hand, bridge at the CCRC allows her to potentially make friends where she is presumably spending the rest of her life. If Bob passes before she does without her having established any community out there, then we may very well find ourselves in your situation of being responsible for all her social activities.
I can’t remember who mentioned that she could play bridge in the winter rather than during boating season. A valid point. But it is only one day a week and only for a couple of hours. Why must he insist on boating during that particular period of time? Maybe Friday afternoons are the only time his son is available (though I doubt it - he does not work, and they went out with his sister the Wednesday after Memorial Day). Bob also insisted they go to the fabric store on a Friday afternoon when they were looking for fabrics for sheers. Why did it have to be the afternoon of the bridge day? Maybe I am overly cynical/suspicious, but I think he prefers her all to himself.
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I am sure you are right that he is timing is urgent appointments and errands and visits to prevent MIL from interacting regularly with the neighbors. Interactions lead to invitations, and invitations lead to friendships, and he clearly does NOT want her becoming the belle of the ball at HIS facility.
I’m just suggesting that this is not likely a skirmish you will win, and will burn some valuable bridges (no pun intended) if you try. MIL isn’t pushing back (Hey Bob, you go fabric shopping and bring back 12 swatches and we’ll look at them in daylight together, but I’m already committed on Friday to my bridge partner) which means she will likely over-react if you bring up the subject.
When she is ready to burst the romantic bubble, you will know. But no signs that it has happened yet.
Hugs. So frustrating on so many levels….
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Absolutely. Mil has never expressed any interest whatsoever in boating. Now, that doesn’t mean she can’t acquire new interests - something I encourage. But, not to the exclusion of her own, established interests.
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