Octogenarian romances? Who has had experience with this with their parents/in-laws?

Parent Cafe
3042

My MIL used a term ( from her childhood) to refer to people of color. It is a term that has been considered offensive for several decades. Other family members pointed out its inappropriateness decades ago ( when she was maybe in her late 40’s or 50’s), she kept using it. I’m way older than that and some of my language has evolved even fairly recently.

It’s not necessarily age, it’s willingness to be open to change and basic manners.

And women have been working with men in professional roles for at least 5 decades now.

No excuses.

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3043

lol, you’ll need to shout in his ear. That’s what I did talking to my dad.

3044

You could have DH say “Bob, stop winking at my wife!”

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3045

@Hoggirl you are not too sensitive

Winking is right up there with the random man of a certain age who will stop you to tell you to smile. So icky!!!

My mil will make racial comments. Drives me crazy.

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3046

I’m not sure Bob is open to change…

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3047

@thumper1 -I’m sure he’s not!

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3048

Years ago my side of the family was in town for a visit. My SIL had unusually long and beautiful eyelashes, which were inherited by her kids. One night we were all sitting around the kitchen table. My 7 year old niece was coloring at the table, too. My DH says, “Carly, you have the longest eyelashes I’ve ever seen”. Without missing a beat and continuing to color, and not look up she says “Creepy”. Lol! We still laugh at that.

Hoggirl, I wouldn’t put up with that for a nanosecond if it bothers you. I’d start by saying loud enough, “Bob, did you want to tell me something?” He’ll say no. You say “ I wasn’t sure why you are winking at me, I thought you may want to say something”. I wouldn’t be too confrontational yet. Give him one more chance to not do it. If he does it again, I’d just say upfront please don’t do that. I don’t like people winking at me. Then just look at him.

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3049

Exactly how Kitty reacted to Mrs. Bennett winking!

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3050

I don’t remember that. The one with Keira Knightly.

3051

It was both in the book and the 1995 BBC series. I’m not really a fan of the Keira Knightly version.

Per my post above,

The winking discussion reminded me of the scene in Pride and Prejudice where Mrs. Bennett is trying to get Kitty to leave the room so Mr. Bingley could propose to Jane.

she very innocently said, ``What is the matter mamma? What do you keep winking at me for? What am I to do?‘’

Maybe Bob wanted you to leave :wink:.

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3052

One has to gauge the situation. There are older men, and also not so older men, who will delight in knowing you are bothered by their winking so telling them so will do nothing and could lead to more winking. A short stare with no reaction and then turning attention to someone else can be a better response in that case.

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3053

Nah, just give it to them even harder if they show any delight in making a woman squirm. That’s part of the “magic” of winking that lets a human get away with it - unless someone is looking, it happens silently. Once someone has expressed their discomfort with being winked at and the human doesn’t relent they don’t deserve an ignore. They deserve to be outed.

To me a wink is like a silent wolf whistle.

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3054

This may have already been suggested, but maybe next time he winks at you just make an “icky” face and say something like “Are you winking at me on purpose? If so please stop. Winking really creeps me out.” (Insert your own words of choice). Then see where it goes.

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3055

Oh - you could ask Bob if he has something in his eye. Of course you’d have to yell it so the whole restaurant would hear…

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3056

This was one I had thought of.

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3057

I was just running this conversation through my head:

Hoggirl (yelling) “Bob, do you have something in your eye?”

Bob: “Oh no dear, I don’t care for some pie.”

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

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3058

:rofl: Then we can go on to discuss the appropriate response to being called “dear.”

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3059

Late this morning, mil directly texted sil and asked her (again) to come see her house when she and dear nephew are here for lunch on Saturday . Wrote it would make her very happy, and that her place is only five minutes away from ours and on the way either into or out of town. Also wrote, “If Bob is your [emphasis mine] problem, neither he nor I know why. It’s really hurtful the way you treat him. He’s quite a decent person, and he’d like to get to know my lovely daughter.”

I told y’all her, “quick trip,” excuse was disingenuous given our proximity to the CCRC.

Sil wrote back, “I’m sorry, but I’ve told you I would not be comfortable going to Bob’s house. If there is a medical reason for his outburst or anti-social behavior, then I owe you both an apology.”

[I think she’s referencing his raising his voice to her when the move was being discussed and then later when she overheard him say to mil, “If I were you, I would just tell your daughter to shut up,” when they didn’t realize that mil hadn’t hung up the phone. But, idk for sure what sil meant by that]

Mil replied, “I just think you [again, emphasis mine] read him wrong.”

Sil then wrote, “Sorry, it is the way I feel.”

This entire exchange was just between the two of them, but of course sil told me about it.

Now sil is not sure if they should come here for lunch. I talked to her and told her that I am fine with whatever she ultimately decides. The food is ordered. Nothing will be different on the preparation side either way. I also said, “This is between you and your mother. I have tried very hard not to triangulate myself in this situation. I’m providing a venue and food. It’s your choice. You can let me know as late as Saturday morning whether or not you’re coming.”

Maybe I stirred the pot by inviting them. I did so separately, and sil could have told me she wasn’t interested from the get-go. I didn’t guilt her in any way - I promise! No idea if they will come up now or not. Still worried things could get ugly if they do.

And guess what? This exchange between them happened on the 8th anniversary of fil’s death.

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3060

Bob & your MIL owe your SIL an apology for his rude comment about SIL. Your SIL has a right to decide who she does and doesn’t want to visit at the person’s house. Your MIL is just mad/frustrated that this isn’t Burger King and she can’t have everybody do things her way.

They’re all adults and can all make their own decisions. Come, don’t come, whatever. It’s up to all of them. If one or all of them do or do not choose to come, that’s fine. It’s not your problem.

I don’t think you’re stirring the pot. You’re being neutral.

If I were your SIL, I wouldn’t want to go to Bob’s house either and I probably would have refused just like she is. Just because Bob or anybody else has reached a certain milestone age doesn’t mean that she has to put up with rudeness or disrespect. It sounds like she’s tried to explain it to your MIL in a calm way. Your MIL doesn’t like what her daughter is telling her. That’s ok, too. MIL being frustrated is not a problem for your SIL to fix.

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3061

@Hoggirl — I think you’re being very open and transparent. I’m sorry Bob, MIL and SIL are making it awkward. You are NOT stirring any pot.

I doubt Bob ever apologizes.

When folks are hard of hearing/deaf, they can have a hard time knowing that their volume is inappropriate. He has been rude about SisIL but SIL has to decide whether she does or does not want a relationship with her mom. If SIL can be the bigger person, I think it would make MIL very relieved.

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