Your house has become “monkey in the middle”. Dont feel bad! All you did was invite family over for a get together!
Not to be morbid but if MIL died tomorrow how would SIL feel knowing this is how she left things? We don’t always get warming that people are going to pass. SIL is playing tit for tat.
I agree they FIL should also admit wrong in the things he said. But you know, a slipped diss (saying she should shut up), a wink….its all harmless (in their mind) … 
Are Mil and Bob aware that she heard him? If they all 3 are aware, I don’t think it’s wrong for SIL to tell them that and say she expects an apology. I wouldn’t want to go to the house either.
@Hoggirl you offered lunch. At this point, I would let whatever else happens be your husband’s stuff to deal with.
I’ll be the odd man out here. I think MIL would like to see her daughter and have her daughter see her home. I don’t think this is an unreasonable request. At this point, her mother is extending an olive branch that your SIL has decided not to take.
Bob is Bob. But it’s not like he is going to disappear tomorrow (well…unless he dies). I think your SIL wasn’t exactly easy during this whole “Met Bob, married Bob and moved where Bob lives” situation.
Where is your husband on all of this? HE is the one who should be saying to his sister “how about if you and I go to Mom’s for a few minutes to see her new home?”.
I think this is 100% your SIL and Mil’s stuff to work through.
It was lovely you extended the invitation and not at all stirring the pot.
I hate that your SIL is letting her anger towards Bob sour her relationship with her mother. Time isn’t infinite. Her doubling down just means less time for her to be together and figuring out a way to move forward.
It’s unfortunate that SIL can’t be honest about her feelings because really it’s not about Bob. It’s that her mother chose to move away from her for a man. Bob could be anyone and she still wouldn’t be happy that her mom remarried.
You extended an invitation because your son was going to be in town. Nothing to be worried about. What others choose is up to them.
Although I think an apology and some introspection could go a long way with your mil. She may not feel apologetic but she could acknowledge that she understands how her marrying a virtual stranger would make her daughter feel.
I understand that this is not her way. I understand that she has probably put her feelings in front of her family. I also understand that her late husband’s behavior could have covered up mil’s behavior for years. Sil is maybe seeing for the first time how disregarding her mom is of her.
The narcissism of the father may have made the children think that the family dynamic was his fault but that mom had their back. But she didn’t as she has now been revealed.
But for your mil to say that she has no idea why her daughter is upset about this is showing a real lack of empathy and understanding.
I’m just spitballing the situation, I may be all wrong.
I know my previous post was very long lol!
My sibling does this although the situations are completely different.
She does things that are very hurtful and cruel. Then expects me to forget and act like nothing happened. At some point I got tired of being hurt and decided that I needed to step away.
Never an apology but always an excuse. And claiming she has no idea what she did.
Very possible. But what is done is done. You can’t wind the clock backwards, and it also appears that MIL is at least trying to mend some fences…and SIL is not. And MIL either has forgotten or is moving forward…take your choice.
But at the end of the day, you did the nice thing by inviting them to your place for lunch. Don’t think twice about that. All of the other stuff…is your husband’s family stuff.
I see what you are saying. But she’s doing so by saying that she has no idea what happened and by text. Not a call
I think there are some conversations that you need to have and need to take some responsibility for. Maybe nothing would change. I don’t know
Honestly, at this point I’m more annoyed at SIL. She is making a choice and looking to “win” a situation. Going to their home for a few minute and putting up with Bob does not have to mean she accepts the choices MIL/Bob made. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t love but are the right thing to do. She can leave the visit at their house still disliking Bob and holding a grudge but maybe she at least visual SEES the choices her mom made and maybe, that those choices are making her mom happy and not alone later in life.
Because SIL IS making her mom “alone” to a degree - she is refusing to acknowledge a place and a man she lives with and is likely finishing out her life with.
I’ve been annoyed at the SIL since the beginning. Her feelings are hurt, and she would rather be right than solve the problem. Her righteous indignation will be cold comfort once her mom is gone, but that’s on her. She can hold on to this anger until everyone is in their graves, I guess.
Someone asked above … Does MIL even know why SIL is mad? MIL thought that she’d hung up the phone so she has no idea that SIL heard what Bob said. BTW, do we believe SIL? Just a thought.
Everyone on here is being quick to reassure OP that she isn’t stirring the pot. But OP is the one who raised the issue so I think we should entertain the idea that she recognizes how uncomfortable this whole dynamic is to her and that perhaps she had an ulterior motive for extending the invite. Well-meaning, of course, but still the invite forces people’s hands. I certainly understand the desire to have everyone make peace.
About MIL texting instead of calling … That seems to be the family MO so I don’t have a problem with that.
So many great and insightful responses! Thank you!
@conmama - mil witnessed whatever happened between sil and Bob about the moving situation. That occurred in mil’s home, and I wasn’t there. About that, sil said, “He was yelling at me.” Mil also knows whatever happened during the phone call about returning the Internet equipment. Again, I wasn’t there. About that, sil said mil said, “Do not use that tone with Bob.” Mil does NOT know that sil overhead Bob’s comment after mil thought she had hung up. I told sil I would have, “played that card,” immediately, but she chose not to.
I can’t remember who asked about what my husband thinks. I shared the texts with dh and suggested he contact sil. He did not. My belief is he feels the same as I do: That this is between sil and mil. He can’t, “fix,” it, so he is staying out of it.
@Youdon_tsay - I appreciate your honesty. FWIW, Friend L has also characterized my invitation as potentially pot-stirring. It probably is on some level. In fact, I told sil that a knock-down, drag-out might be what is needed. The M. O. of the entire family is to stuff their feelings. I’m not a fan of that. In my, “defense,” of having an ulterior motive (whether covert or overt), here is the situation: Ds lives out of state. He comes here maybe three or four times a year. If I have Bob and Mil over without extending an invite to sil and dear nephew, it looks like we are excluding them. At least to me. Sil herself has said she wants to come and see our new house. We have had holiday family gatherings at sil’s house many times. Mostly because her home is larger and more convenient for everyone, and she is kind enough to host. More extended family lives in her area of the state. So, in my defense, I feel like I’m d@mned if I do and d@mned if I don’t.
Thank you for receiving my thoughts in the manner intended. 
Friend L … UGH! lol
100% Sure, Bob could have made it easier for SIL to understand MIL’s attraction, but she’s hanging her anger hat on the wrong rack.
Absolutely. Easier to be mad at Bob than her mom.
Don’t worry - I don’t think you have much in common with Friend L.
(I’d add the winking emoji at the end of the above sentence, but that would be hugely hypocritical!! )
Yes! I meant to address @momofboiler1 ’s comment in my most recent post.
I have always wondered if sil would have been okay with anyone mil chose. It’s hard to say if it’s the remarriage itself or mil’s moving away from her or if it’s that it’s Bob.
I agree that sil is angry with her mother and feels, “abandoned.” It’s really hurt that is being directed as anger. In sil’s mind, mil has chosen Bob over her.
And, this is horribly tacky of me to say, but I wonder if sil would have completely cut ties with mil by now if she weren’t anticipating an inheritance in the future. She has complained specifically about the boat and wondered aloud to me if mil is covering any of the costs related to it. And has specifically referenced mil’s spending as impacting what our children will get in the future. Mil’s will as it stands now is half to sil and half to dh. My ds and dear nephew are not named beneficiaries, so she means trickle down in the future.
Would SIL even know if MIL has adjusted her will to leave half to Bob?
Exactly. Some states ask that spouses be included in wills.
And frankly, the money your MIL has…is hers even if some was from her husband. It is hers to do with however she chooses.
Nope. Not unless she told her or my dh.
This was the main reason for the pre-nup. Both of them waived each other’s rights to elect against the will claiming their statutory share. I mean, Bob wants his son to get the boat. So, while he has less liquid money, I’m sure he doesn’t want mil to force a sale of the boat to get her statutory share should he pre-decease her. But, this is a weakness of a pre-nup. It doesn’t prevent commingling of assets or changing a will. She can give all her money to Bob today. She can change her will today. True protection only comes with the establishment of an irrevocable trust.
As I wrote many months ago during that part of this text thread, it is much easier to disinherit a kid than it is to disinherit a spouse. That was mentioned a bit on the current pre-nup thread.
Dh and I feel as you do. It’s her money. She can do whatever she likes.