SIL should go to MIL house and visit her monkey prints.
5 Likes
Well then, why hasn’t SIL told her mother what she heard Bob say. That is 100% on her.
9 Likes
I don’t disagree, but I fear that ship has now sailed. If it had been me, I would have called mil back immediately and said, “Mom, you didn’t hang up the phone, and I heard Bob say that you should tell your your daughter to, ‘just shut up.’ That tells me everything I need to know about him as a person. I will not …[whatever - engage with him, be in his home, invite him to my home, etc] in the future.”
Eight months later he will gaslight her/deny it. Whether mil will as well, idk.
7 Likes
Like all things family related they don’t happen in a vacuum but are the compilations of a lifetime of relationships.
It’s so interesting to hear the different perspectives.
My husband would be like yours. Not going to wade into any disagreements between his mother and sister. My bil and his mom are currently in the middle of a dispute, my h is great at not getting involved
I admire his ability to do so. 
4 Likes
I feel slightly guilty saying this, but following this thread makes me happy. It helps me realize that I have company with my dysfunctional family chock full of poor communicators and grudge holders.
It’s like a “Why Can’t People Be Grownups?” support group.
Thanks @Hoggirl
22 Likes
One of the reasons I valued my therapist so much is that she cut to the chase pretty quickly. I think her response to SIL would be “so let me understand. Because you are hurt and angry at your mom for choosing Bob, moving away, creating a life with him that does not include you-- all perfectly normal feelings btw-- your response is to cut your mom out of your life, spend LESS time with her, avoid being with her if it includes her husband. Right? So your tactic for dealing with your mom abandoning you is to now abandon her? Do I have that right???”
I am sad for your SIL. Grief after losing a parent can be a very heavy load. And grief mixed with regret and guilt can make that load even heavier. Let’s hope your MIL has many healthy years ahead of her, but nobody lives forever. And the psychic energy your SIL has to expend waging a war that nobody else is participating in must be crushing. It’s just less taxing sometimes to say “Mom, I’d love to see your new place”, spend half an hour admiring the window treatments or the kitchen counters, and then hit the road. Less energy, easier on the psyche.
12 Likes
@Hoggirl feel free to ignore this post.
I know you support your husband. And that he has stepped up to the plate many times the last 15 months or so with this situation and lent a helping hand from financials to moving furniture.
Do you wish he would be more candid with his sister or encourage her to maintain a barely cordial relationship with MIL/Bob as a couple? Or do you think for whatever reason that it’s not his role to play?
I’m realizing just this moment what a juxtaposition it is that you, your MIL, your SIL maintain a text thread about everything from Wordle to road trips but that your SIL refuses to see MIL on her home turf. It’s weird!!!
3 Likes
If it was me I would’ve already been over it long ago. But I tend to get mad in the moment and then let things go. I’m not one to hold lasting grudges. I’ve never met anyone who holds grudges to have that tactic work well for them. It’s a losing proposition.
2 Likes
I agree w/the comment above that it’s comforting to know that all of us are not the only ones with some Dysfunction Junction going on in our extended families!
7 Likes
Actually, we don’t know (maybe even OP) that he didn’t already try and saw it wasn’t going to help. She is his sister and maybe he knows after years of dealing with her that discretion is the better part of valor.
I know about pot stirrers. OP is not one because she invited everyone to lunch. That’s a good thing. MIL invited SIL to see her house. That’s a good thing. Bob is welcoming her also (even if it’s to make MIL happy). That’s a good thing.
SIL appears to like the role of “aggrieved party”. Maybe she’s been practicing it for a very long time. Some people relish the role. Not so great for the audience but for some reason it works for her. I just wouldn’t worry about it–she comes or not and her decisions have absolutely no reflection on anyone else but her. No reason to be part of her “cast”.
4 Likes
This.
5 Likes
May be true!
Maybe that’s SIL’s “MO” - listen to no one”!
I vote for at the end of @Hoggirl luncheon say “let’s all go for ice cream!” But the ice cream is at MIL’s place! 
It is going to be awkward at the luncheon at some point with this tension and visit on the line.
1 Like
I had a physic war as you call it with my sibling.
It was very exhausting. No one cared except me. I still harbor some feelings but I try really hard to tamp them down and move on with my life. I am quite pleasant to her in person but I also don’t go out of my way.
But it would have been very difficult to be at war with my mother. She was harder to ignore because she was my mom, imperfect as she was at times.
I still have to say that the text mil sent sil rubbed me the wrong way. Although with my mom, I would have tried very hard to make amends. Unfortunately sil isn’t the one we are trying to convince and I don’t think her friends are doing her any favors.
Just yesterday a family member said something to me that while unintentional, wasn’t very nice and hurt me. I choose to believe that they didn’t mean it because family is family.
7 Likes
Yes, I spent a few years collecting grievances against someone in my extended family until I finally decided that I was really the only one suffering for it. Letting go of it was a big relief.
4 Likes
Can I come? If anyone doesn’t have a smile on their face after that then I really feel sorry for them!
7 Likes
This wouldn’t even count as rude at our house, never mind cause a permanent rift.
SIL has the right not to like Bob, but she needs to admit that it is costing her the last years of her mother’s life. Clearly Bob is not a passing fancy to MIL. He’s going to be around for the next few years and MIL is going to spend all her time with him. MIL is not willing to go back to her old ways with SIL and the girls’ group of going on weekend trips and out to lunch. SIL can be mad about that too. Won’t change MIL.
Hoggirl, you have this. Invite everyone, feed whoever shows up.
7 Likes
No, not really. He has been clear with his sister that that is what he is going to do. He said from the beginning that he was going to help his mother when she needed help. Sil said she wouldn’t help with the move, but she did a lot. Sorting, packing, tending to mil’s house, helping with showings, etc.
I do not think it would go well if my dh got in the middle of it I kind of think sil wishes my dh would, “side,” with her more. My dh is not now and has never been particularly close to his mother. Or his sister.
I know for a fact (because she’s told me) that Friend L thinks my having them over is a sign to mil and Bob that we, “approve,” of all of this. And, I think she thinks it perpetuates the golden child/black sheep framing of dh/sil.
Quite frankly, I don’t give a rat’s patootie what mil does with herself or her money. I want her to be happy and safe - that’s it. What I do give a rat’s patootie about is setting a good example for our ds. He has a good relationship with his grandmother. He periodically calls her, and when we moved to Florida he sometimes visited her without our being there. I refuse to put him in a bad position by saying Bob isn’t welcome in our home. I’m never excited about his being here, but I can tolerate it a few times a year. I have been transparent with ds that I am not a big fan of Bob’s. I am sharing with him the situation leading up to this Saturday and my concerns that things will turn ugly. And how I am trying not to get triangulated in this. I was very clear with ds that I didn’t appreciate Bob’s winking at me. I mean, my feelings are valid, too. We have discussed all of this via text. To me, this entire scenario has provided an outstanding teachable moment in navigating familial challenges.
8 Likes
This is why I’m more sympathetic to your SIL. A looking for a better relationship response would have been: “If Bob is your [emphasis mine] problem, neither he nor I know why. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx He’s quite a decent person, and he’d like to get to know my lovely daughter.”
2 Likes
Might be good reasons that he doesn’t want to elaborate on.
Living in the silo of feedback whether true or not.
And there it is. Mom chose husband (who is close by) over daughter who is in town.
Of course they are. But no need to ever add fuel to the fire. What may seem minor to you may just add justification to keep a feud going.