Wonderful, heartfelt, realistic, thoughtful, fair post and perspective. 
4 Likes
Maybe that’s the problem with getting involved. Every side wants you to side with them.
3 Likes
I’m confused. What is supposed to go into those xxxxxxx? Apologies? What’s to happen in the future? Sorry you feel that way? Trying to guess how you feel about something we’re not sure happened? Apology for something we didn’t know would bother you? Something you took offense at that you shouldn’t have heard?
I think an apology would be nice to acknowledge that the other person is hurting.
I had a conversation with my own child where I acknowledged that I wasn’t perfect and that I wanted to help our relationship grow. I didn’t make excuses, I owned up to their hurt over my actions.
I’m a believer in apologizing. Not a I’m sorry you feel that way, non apology.
9 Likes
Can you elaborate on this? Do you think there is something I am doing that is adding fuel to the fire? I’m not clear on the last sentence.
I hope I’m not coming across as defensive. Not my intent! I’m just not sure what you’re referring to.
I’m obviously not in the middle of any of this. But I have unfortunately gotten in the middle of similar situations unwittingly. I can be way off base here…but I now keep my personal feelings under wraps from anyone who may want me to “be on their side”. Depends on the situation. But in dealing with relatives and friends (including a SIL and MIL) I do my best to slide by without putting my two cents in on very many levels. I don’t relay stories of hurt to me. I don’t relate stories of what they said to me that made me mad. Nada. Their feuds are not mine hence “no fuel for the fire”. Most of this is me–I get over things pretty quick but maybe the other party does not. Life is pretty short.
I think clueing your son in is the best thing you could do. Often your kids are the most “objective” people around who have a loving outlook on all involved. You might want to “debrief” him afterwards.
2 Likes
To quote Napoleon Dynamite … I want that.
4 Likes
I’m all for @Hoggirl’s dh not getting involved. Why triangulate? This is between his sister and mother.
Let me add that I wonder whether it seems I’ve given conflicting opinions on this and other threads. To clarify, I think adult children should get involved when it’s a matter of safety (driving, finances, medical appts when the parent clearly is in decline and an unreliable reporter). I think adult children should not get involved when it’s other people’s drama.
7 Likes
Totally agree! But they should know beforehand of landmines. They aren’t responsible for the landmines but should be aware of them.
4 Likes
The tricky thing is that it is fine for Hoggirl’s DH to not be involved. But because she has a tradition of coordinating gracious family entertaining, she gets caught in the MIL/SIL crossfire … while trying hard to not impact DS’s relationships with grandmother and aunt/cousin. I admire her concern over everybody involved.
9 Likes
Thank you. It’s kind of a curse, because I am a pleaser.
4 Likes
I’m a pleaser as well. It would break my heart if my MIL & a SisIL had a falling out over a new spouse or relationship. I’m fortunate to be close to all my sibs & my H’s remaining sib and his D. My mom had no interest or ability to form any close relationships by the time dad died.
@Hoggirl — I admire that you are doing your best to try to help your S have relationships that he seems to want—with MIL, with his aunt and his cousin. Good job! I’m sorry it’s tough, but your S is watching how you navigate this and I’m sure he appreciates it.
7 Likes
I have a lot of sympathy for SIL.
Her mother chose to be with a man that was awful towards her daughter, right in front of her; a man who actually yelled at her daughter. Wow.
As her mom watched that happen, she did not say to Bob: “Hey - don’t treat my daughter that way.”
Her Mom instead said nothing, and then…decided to stay with him.
That would be very hurtful.
I think SIL’s response here seems pretty evenhanded. She understandably is drawing a line about putting herself in his home - the home of the man who yelled at her (during the “best behavior, I’m wooing your mother and want to make a good impression” period, no less).
Her Mom could just as soon say: Bob treated you badly and I’m very sorry I didn’t say anything to him when he did. I should have, and I didn’t, and that hurt you. I understand why you don’t want to go into his home, and it’s difficult for you that I’ve chosen to marry and move in with him after what he did. I want to still see you, and hope that one day you feel differently, but I understand this is how you feel right now and I do respect that.
12 Likes
Can I please give you mil’s phone number??
I’m so glad you wrote this. It really helps put me in sil’s shoes. A parent’s strongest urge should be to protect their child from harm of any kind, whether physical, verbal, or emotional. This is true regardless of the age of the, “child.” All mil has done is protect Bob and make excuses for him. Your writing that clarifies for me just how hurt and betrayed she must feel. Thank you.
Here is the latest text from mil to sil:
(In case it’s hard to decipher: Black outs are Bob, dh and my first initial’s mil’s family surname (so she’s naming the family clan), grandson’s name, our town name)
My dh said the text sounds like Bob was dictating to mil what to type.
Sil replied later in the day. Basically said of course I know he’ll be there, of course I’ll say hello (and pointed out she did so at Uncle’s funeral), and that she wouldn’t presume to ask Bob to not be at his house so she and her son could see it.
That’s the latest 
10 Likes
Well, SIL and her S can make their own choices, but really, time is NOT on their side if they want to have MIL have any part of their lives. I’m sorry that SIL seems to be unable to figure out a path forward to preserve any of the close relationship she obviously once had with her own mother. I guess it’s SIL’s move.
5 Likes
Interesting.
Hopefully SIL will agree to go see the place, since MIL has told her Bob will NOT be there.
6 Likes
That friend Linda is such a pot stirrer.
I still really think if SIL gets her grievance off we chest about gearing Bob, it may change things.
5 Likes
Whatever Bob did in the past…he probably doesn’t remember. And maybe MIL doesn’t totally remember either.
Personally, I think it’s time for SIL to bury the hatchet. At least she is going to @Hoggirl new home with her mom and Bob. Maybe that’s a start.
And MIL is trying to honor SILs wishes by NOT having Bob in her home when SIL comes to see it. You know…it’s his home…but Bob won’t be there for the short visit SIL and nephew could make. You have to wonder what excuse she will come up with for not going to her mother’s house IF this comes up at lunch (and I’m betting it will).
5 Likes
Seems to me like MIL is really trying to make an effort here. And she’s at a disadvantage because her daughter hasn’t been direct with her in discussing the actual problem.
And, did Bob really yell at her? The man is deaf. I know when my FIL isn’t wearing his hearing aids he is yelling too because he can’t hear himself talk. We are all constantly “shushing” him or telling him to wear his hearing aids ; ). And I have to say that we as a family say “shut up” as a matter of course on a regular. If anything Bob could have been feeling protective of MIL.
I also want to add that in my family, when the parents who made it to 80 got there, our relationships definitely started shifting. They needed more help and care and in someways, child took on more parental roles. I know my father’s emotional self regulation went into the toilet as he aged.
At some point, SIL needs to decide if it’s more important to hold the grudge or have a relationship with her mom in the years they have left.
And as previously mentioned, this hits very close to home for me with my own family situation. I was just starting to get to that place with my dad when he died unexpectedly. Thank goodness we were already repairing the relationship but it wasn’t where either of us hoped, and I carried a lot of guilt about wasting that time with him. It made my grieving much more complicated.
11 Likes