I agree that MIL is extending an olive branch by having Bob leave HIS house for SIL while she’s there. Ball is in SIL’s court.
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I haven’t read other posts this morning, but I think before or at the new place it’s time for SIL to come clean about what happened with Bob. Something as simple as “Bob really insulted me when he yelled at me, and then when I heard him say “I’d just tell her to shut up” I was really angry” or whatever. If he would acknowledge those things weren’t nice, maybe they could all move on?
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I think some of the posts are reflective of how society is changing.
From a parent base (your mother is getting old, you should try to get along) to a child base that sil’s friends seem to have struck. Meaning mil has gone too far and that sil is correct is keeping her distance.
Also the collective here on this thread may see what’s going on as a singular issue and not years and years (maybe) of the daughter feeling marginalized.
I also think that grudge holding is exhausting. But also I see where sometimes you realize your parent isn’t that person you thought they were and you need to give yourself some time and space.
I also wonder skeptically if mil’s push for her D to see her new living situation is for appearance sake.
It’s all so complicated, isn’t it?
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Much like @blueberriesforsal I have been more sympathetic to SIL’s feelings more than most because my MIL and SIL had a similar relationship (except they are younger, SIL never married and MIL and FIL divorced 45 years ago) where they did their travels together, took care of each other when needed, help each other with their house repair projects, etc. So when MIL re-married last year SIL’s role also shifted, she’s gracefully realized that she’s no longer MIL’s go to person and they are no longer partners in crime so to speak. Our Bob is quite pleasant but that doesn’t make everything work out perfectly either, vacationing in particular. So there is still a bit of sadness that comes with big change despite being thrilled for MIL. All that is to say I was reading about your SIL but thinking about it as my SIL and feeling quite defensive for her!
That said, I think your SILs response this week has cut the strings for me, she really needed to walk through the door MIL opened when she broached the subject in that text and said 'well I’m happy you asked because I was actually offended/hurt by…" But perhaps more important than what MIL (not so eloquently) said is what is being said by them offering to have him go to the boat when telling her to get over her issues with Bob didn’t work…MIL is missing what they once had as much as SIL. They can’t make progress toward healing at a big family gathering, and MIL has cleared all obstacles SIL has presented in order to make this first step happen with a visit to the CCRC so SIL can see MIL settled (and stop thinking of the place as just Bob’s). She’s saying what SIL needs to hear but isn’t listening…“taking a first step toward healing us is important to me (MIL), you’re (SIL) important to me.”
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I’m really sympathetic to SIL, but she seems to revel in being the victim and friend L is feeding the unhealthy dynamic.
I remember my sister at around 60 was airing all her grievances against our dad. And I told her that I thought most of what she said was true but that she’s 60 now and when do we take ownership of our lives and quit blaming others and harboring grudges?
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Truer words were never spoken (typed)!
I’m not going to tag everyone to reply, because I’m not smart enough to keep up with who said what!! Because all y’all have thoughtful comments.
I firmly believe sil when she says Bob yelled at her. When we were over there before Christmas with his son and his wife, he was having some tech issues with his new-ish car. He had asked (told) them he needed help before they left that night. As things were wrapping up, one of them said something about leaving, and there was an immediate change in his demeanor/tone/volume. “You can’t leave until you fix my car!” He doesn’t typically yell when he speaks. If anything, he is a bit of a mumbler. Someone mentioned emotional deregulation above. This was that. An overreactive demand, because Bob expects people to do his bidding. At least that is how I perceive him.
When I read dh the latest text from mil to sil, my dh said, “It sounds like Bob is dictating to her what to say,” which I thought was interesting. He hopes you will visit your mother. As he pointed out. Idk. Just speculation on my dh’s part.
I think Bob needs to go to the boat anyway. I bet Bob is annoyed that this lunch is interfering with when he would like to go to the boat. Again, I’m speculating. My concern is it’s a bait and switch. He is saying he’ll go so sil will say they’ll go to the house. Then it’ll be too late in the afternoon for him to go so he will be there, and now she’s promised she’ll go. Back her into a corner.
Only follow up from mil was, “It’s our house, and we’d love to have you come over.” Sil replied, “A very kind offer.” Sil now thinks she’ll drop it. I wrote back, “You’re joking, right?” Bob needs and wants a clear answer. The man is Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. Listen, I love a plan as much as the next person, but he takes planning to a whole other level. Sil doesn’t want to commit. Bob doesn’t like that because he wants control. ALL speculation on my part!
And, yes to whomever mentioned years of issues. And, yes to whomever mentioned appearances.
I know I’m speculating a lot. I probably shouldn’t do that, but I think it’s for my own self-protection to brace myself for several different scenarios.
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I don’t love the guy but I think it’s totally ridiculous that Bob has to leave his house for this meet and greet of the new place to happen. How awkward. It really solves nothing.
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Funny you mention that movie. i was just telling dh a couple of weeks go that I’d like to see it again to see whether it still holds up. I loved it when it first came out. But, yeah, I remember that scene.
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I think it will. The music is wonderful and the dynamics universal. I think I’d like to watch it again, it’s been about 15-18 years, we have the DVD. I don’t know if it’s steaming. I was just 20 years old when it came out, but now closer the elderly parents. I wonder if their parts, opinions, life will resonate more with me.
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But it does remove SIL’s hurdle that she won’t visit with Bob there. So be it–he won’t be there putting the ball in SIL’s court. Odds are she won’t show up for lunch. If she goes to lunch and then won’t visit I’m also betting MIL will call it a day. I need call Vegas.
I’m going to suspect that this was a scenario that played often in this family with their father.
With a narcissistic parent , I think the tendency is to give the spouse a pass. It’s not the other parent’s fault that dad (or mom) yells or acts or has that behavior. In this case the spouse apparently is drawn to that personality and married another person like their spouse.
Seems like maybe that was a lesson you didn’t want to learn.
It’s also very common for there to be an avoidant child and an over invested child.
Although I think I’ve made my opinion known and that it’s not a popular one.
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SIL and MIL were buddies - lunch, travel, chatting on the phone. Bob ruined that and SIL will not get over it. SIL could have met a man and then MIL would be mad.
I don’t get why MIL wants SIL to come over so much because that isn’t going to change anything (and I’m not one who likes to see other people’s home to just see them, so I don’t get it). SIL is never going to stay there or come over to move furniture, so what is the big deal with her going over now?
Perhaps Bob and MIL can drive over to Hog House and then Bob can go to the boat and MIL and SIL can visit without Bob, and Hog Husband can drive MIL home later. MIL has to accept that SIL is not ready to cross that doorstep yet, but what are they going to talk about at the CCRC that they can’t talk about at Hog House? And perhaps it would even be better since it is neutral ground? I know they both see it as symbolic if SIL goes to visit as that, to MIL, means they are moving on but maybe explain to MIL that SIL is just not ready and lets just all have a nice lunch and maybe the next time they can take another step forward.
I don’t think your SIL realizes how fast things can change with MIL’s health. My mother, at 87, cut her grass on a Sat, fell on Sunday, died the next Friday never really able to talk to anyone that whole week.
Or SIL can give up on her mother and only see her at your house once a year? Seems sad, but it’s her choice. I think she’ll regret it, but it’s her choice.
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My personal opinion. Because it looks good for her friends to think that they are getting along. Public appearances
What I think is that @Hoggirl can post pictures on Facebook, everyone is together. Mil can post that wasn’t it nice that D came over and saw Bob and my new house. Everyone (Facebook friends) thinks that sil is giving her blessings.
Because facebook isn’t real life but there are those who like making a public image that everything is great! Rainbows and unicorns!
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Sorry, I couldn’t find a cross out text. I think if she really wanted the two to get along she should have left out the sentence accusing her daughter of saying hurtful things. Even if it’s true - that he felt hurt - it’s not helpful to turn a plea to get along into a one sided accusation. Her daughter obviously has strong feelings, and likely will respond defensively to that accusation.
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My sister and I have dealt with viscous temper tantrums from Dad’s volatile wife numerous times. (As have many other people. She’s a bridge burner.) We hang in there because he’s our father and we love him. We try hard to not annoy her from afar by phone because we don’t want him to have to endure her temper… especially now that his mobility is limited and he relies on her heavily.
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[quote=“one_two, post:3136, topic:3689382”]
accusing her daughter of saying hurtful things.
[/quote].
She said her daughter was acting hurtful. And in my book she is. Not only to Bob but MIL also. She’s never been a Bob fan from day 1 and you can’t tell me she doesn’t show it every chance she gets. Her actions hurt everyone in the family. There shouldn’t be any discussion about coming to lunch or anything else really. All she ever needs to do is be cordial. She’s not required to do anything but say “hello” once in a while. I’m sure she isn’t expected to get into deep philosophical discussions with Bob.
If MIL doesn’t know exactly why SIL is hurt (like she says) then SIL needs to tell her straight out instead of playing the “you should already know and until you guess then I’m staying mad” game.
But some people like to play that game all day long.
Maybe Bob did yell at her on moving day. Maybe he felt justified. Maybe he wasn’t. Moving days aren’t exactly known for being stress free and peaceful occassions. And it was over 6 months ago. Again in my book that’s not worth the emotional bandwidth it takes to stay angry.
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I’ve been reading along for a while and it really seems generational to me. SIL is applying today’s standards of behavior and MIL and Bob are applying older standards of behavior. And never the twain shall meet. I think it’s sad.
What’s being cited are a few rude comments and a raised voice and a comment that the speaker thought was private, which to me seem upsetting but not worth going Low Contact over, especially given the age/generation/upbringing of MIL and Bob. And of course there are unspoken undercurrents at play — but there always are.
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After following this thread as a silent reader for some time, I have to say that I think SIL is clearly in the wrong here. Yeah, nobody likes Bob but you put up with him because you love your mother. Yeah, absolutely avoid interacting too much with him, try not to be stuck sitting next to him at dinner, make a reasonable excuse to not attend an event if you really are not up to dealing with him. But how much does it cost to be civil and courteous on the few occasions that you have to interact with him? It’s not like they live next door and you have to deal with him everyday.
To look at it from another perspective, what if it was your child’s spouse that you didn’t like? Who yelled at you while you were trying to help with something? Who you overheard saying something rude on the phone when your child thought they had hung up? Would you refuse to visit their home because you were mad?
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I do not know MIL. But my home is my castle and FOR ME is a reflection of my life and happiness. It’s a glimpse into who I am. MIL may be really proud of the new home she has made and her new life.
I cannot imagine being so disappointed in my mother that I wouldn’t want to see - at least once - where she lives. Or be willing to.
Maybe MIL wants to give SIL a monkey picture NOW!
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