Whether or not SIL is the sentimental type who wants to see the place or not- it would be sub-optimal if the first time she sees the place is during a “home visit” with a social worker and OT rehab specialist to determine if MIL can be released from the hospital to her home, or needs to go to rehab (just to pick a morbid example). When a parent falls, has surgery, has a long term chronic illness (god forbid, but being realistic) it is nice to be able to participate in the dialogue which happens long before the patient is sent home when someone on the care team asks “is there bulky furniture between the bedroom and the bathroom?” or “will the doorway accommodate the delivery of a hospital bed or will the supplier have to send someone who can put it together on the spot?”
OP- I think you’ve done a remarkable job. And now you get to put down the burden for a while and let these adults do some adulting!
Bob cannot accept that sil doesn’t, “like,” him. He said to her, “It seems to me that you aren’t interested in having a relationship with me.” She said she wasn’t. She said he was perseverating and stated that around fifteen times! She said she couldn’t get a word in edge-wise. He constantly talked over her and was in lecture mode. Mil said, “He’s my husband, and he’s going to be with me,”. Sil said, “I know and understand that. I’m not saying I won’t be around him.” Mil: “Why don’t you like Bob?” Sil: “Because he yelled at me, and he’s a liar.” They did not remember his yelling at her. Sil reminded them of two specific instances. Oh. Not sure what happened with the lying part.
(And as an aside - the yelling didn’t happen on moving day. It was long before when they were trying to figure out what furniture she should take)
Bob: “Well, I’m leaving and going to the boat whether you want me to or not!”
She was upset, mil was upset. Eventually, mil said something along the lines of, “We aren’t getting anywhere.”
Sil texted her after and said she’d like to talk to her when Bob was not around. Mil gave the , on the text but she hasn’t called yet. This is part of the reason sil doesn’t ever call mil. He is always around and listening.
So, now she doesn’t know if they are coming on Saturday or not. She’s going to visit with her ds after he is off work tonight.
Anyone want to start a wagering pool on if they will or won’t come??
I told dh to start thinking about how he will respond should Bob ask him, “Why doesn’t your sister like me?”
I am usually the first one to ask for photos at any kind of gathering, but I had already told sil I was going to, “forget,” to do that on Saturday and hoped that it wouldn’t occur to mil either.
Bob attended our one-week-early Mother’s Day brunch I hosted when ds was here the last time, and I did take a photo of mil and him. However, I did not post it. Why not? Because he was neither the child of or mother to anyone there. I sent it to her via text. She was free to do with that she wanted.
Sometimes it’s not about the new partner as much as the way they were presented in declaration of new relationship. All these years later, I still remember this scene… “Garbage can lid speech”
If it’s me, I’m asking them to take this discussion to a text thread that does not include me. As long as you are forced to play monkey in the middle, the more burden you’re going to carry.
I have to say that I cringed that MIL and Bob called together. Way to gang up on SIL
They seem to be running very low on emotional intelligence. That’s not going to help the situation.
I hope SIL and nephew’s desire to see your son will be enough for them to visit and deal with MIL and Bob.
Oh, our group text only contains word puzzles and mindless chatter about things like sil’s new toilet for her remodel being shipped to Florida! One would never suspect the exchange that happened on the phone this morning between them from reading our three-person group text.
All those screen shots I posted were in a text thread that was just between the two of them. Sil is just keeping me in the loop about what’s happening.
She has not heard from mil since requesting a phone conversation just with her. We think she either told him sil wants that, and he has forbade it or she simply cannot get away from him. He does not like being alone.
As sorry as I am for SIL & MIL, they have to decide how much they want to let another person, whether Bob or anyone else, derail THEIR friendship and relationship. Bob cannot destroy their closeness if SIL doesn’t allow it, even if he continues to be unpleasant and narcissistic.
Bob may not be anyone’s favorite, but at this point, I feel the problem is all on SIL. Yes, Bob was rude a few months ago, but remember, SIL has been extremely negative and very unwelcoming from day one.
I’m actually starting to feel bad for MIL and Bob. They cannot make a call/text/move without their inner circle analyzing each word and action looking to find fault. They’re an elderly couple trying to live their golden years with companionship. It doesn’t appear that anyone is on their side, simply wanting to see them enjoy what time they have left. It’s all critiques…Bob said/did this wrong, they picked the wrong vacation, they made a bad purchase, they don’t organize family get-togethers, etc.
It would be great if there were interactions that were just relaxed and enjoyed, not dissected and shared. The Bob bashing really should stop and “Friend L” is no friend. I would not be giving her any info. SIL does not need to hear about every encounter either. It will not help her be able to move forward.
Agree that “Friend L” is definitely a pot-stirrer & not a friend. SIL can decide her relationship with her mom is worth working at, even if she’s still sad about being abandoned. She only has the one mom and obviously they WERE pretty close. I hope SIL makes good choices for herself and her S. She and her mom can figure out access. Her mom has to want it too.
My mama had one sister. Aunt R was married to Uncle H. They had one daughter, my cousin M. About a year and a half after Aunt R died, Uncle H married R 2.0 (yes, they had the same first name!) However, she wasn’t an improved version. Cousin M and Uncle H had previously had father/daughter lunches - just the two of them - without Cousin M’s husband. Not long after Uncle H married R 2.0, he stopped having father/daughter lunches with my cousin. He wouldn’t do anything without his wife. He told my cousin that if he went to lunch with her without the new wife, he felt like he was, “keeping secrets,” from the new wife. My cousin no longer had true access to her dad because either the wife wouldn’t, “allow,” it OR (to your point), Uncle H didn’t want it anymore. Whatever the cause, it was extremely hurtful to my cousin.
My cousin was civil to R 2.0 even though she wasn’t fond of her. But her whole relationship with her father changed after he re-married. From the entrance of Bob onto our family scene, my Cousin M has been very sympathetic to and has related well to what my sil has been feeling/experiencing.
Even though mil is remarried, the fact that she is unable or unwilling to spend time alone with her D. And that she didn’t reach out to sil on her own without her new husband says volumes to me. That they seem to want to confront sil.
Again it’s so sad. I think all the parties have some blame but the more this goes on, the sadder it becomes.
I saw a saying today.” Look forward because that is where you are heading.” At this point, maybe this is what this family should be doing.
I can think of numerous times when my own MIL or mother offended me. At some point, none of that mattered. And I moved on…usually shortly after the offensive happened.
SIL made it clear, from the start, that she didn’t like what her mother was doing. And she couldn’t stand Bob. In my opinion, SIL needs to decide if she wants a relationship with her mother. Right now…it looks like this will only happen in SILs terms, and that is problematic, in my opinion.
@Hoggirl is sort of in the middle of all of this, while her husband has sort of washed his hands of this conflict.
I agree with the sadness part-- but will just put it out there, I have NEVER seen a situation where someone made it clear that they disapproved of someone’s future spouse-- and maintained that stance up to and including the wedding- where the “blameless” party is the one getting married.
Folks- especially those who have unmarried adult children- this is not a battle you can win. The marriage can last a week, a decade, fifty years- the parties involved (your kid and their spouse) will NEVER forget that you made your judgement clear.
So for OP’s SIL- the “original sin” was deciding that Bob was the enemy. He could be a gold digger and a creep and a narcissist (and the family could be quite justified in viewing that, given the evidence we’ve seen) but not to come around once the wedding was in plain sight is really shooting yourself in the foot. So she either stands on principle now- or ends up the loser in the “I have a relationship with my remarried mom”.
, on the text but she hasn’t called yet. This is part of the reason sil doesn’t ever call mil. He is always around and listening.
