As I read through the posts, what comes to mind is “does the SIL want to right, or does she want to have a relationship with her elderly mom.”
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Latest text from sil:
“Good talk with mom. We’re on for Saturday. Headed out the door. Dets later”
I’m still a bit nervous about it, but I’m very happy that ds will get to see his aunt and cousin.
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YAY! I’m so glad SIL & MIL had a talk and that they’re “on for Saturday.” You’ve done a great service by having this nice gathering/meal at your place for your S and all the relatives. I think the rest is on SIL & MIL to mend fences to the extent they are willing and able. So glad SIL & your nephew will be coming and able to see your S, as well as MIL & Bob. That dessert looks AMAZING!
I’m feeling hopeful that SIL is realizing she needs to step up and stop sulking and have a relationship with her mom. Fingers crossed that Saturday goes well and SIL and MIL will move forward.
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That’s great headway! I wonder what Friend L will have to say?
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I’d try to exclude Friend L from further conversations except on a “need to know” basis. She has NOT been helpful.
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No idea. I have not really been communicating much with her lately.
SHE is the one who for sure puts being right over relationship.
On for coming into town Saturday or on for visiting at MIL’s Saturday??
Idk. At least definitely coming to our house for lunch on Saturday. She had a meeting this morning and then an out-of-town errand. I will update when I hear more.
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Ugh, I’m sorry but I just couldn’t possibly disagree more. I’m not a lonely widow but my late mother was widowed for over a decade before she died. She was rather submissive, shy and mild mannered (as women were required to be in her era); HOWEVER, if a man she was seeing ever told her to tell any of her daughters to “shut up”, I have to believe she would have shown him to the door (in her own ladylike way).
I realize that MIL is apparently one of those women who so desperately wants a man in her life, she would pay any price but I am so weary of the argument that the elderly can behave terribly to their own child and that (adult) child just has to take it because “mother dearest could die at any moment.” You know who else could die; SIL, who is no spring chicken either. Of course, it’s always more likely for the much older person to die before the younger one but I’ve seen many times in my life that people
do not always die in order of their age. Doesn’t MIL have any responsibility to treat her own daughter (with whom she was very close before “Bob” showed up) with kindness and respect?
I imagine that SIL’s hurt and sense of betrayal have been grossly magnified by everyone piling on, pressuring her to ignore the awful treatment from this awful man. Everyone seems to agree that Bob is nasty and controlling (after all, he has been divorced several times) but everybody just expects SIL to ignore her own feelings of hurt and betrayal to preserve the peace. I very much think that young people these days will not be willing to accept this kind of treatment from their own parents when those parents are very old and I’m glad that they are not. I’d never tolerate anyone telling me that I should tell either of my children to just shut up, no matter what happened. No matter what happens in the future, they are still my children and I’d never betray either of them to appease anyone, particularly a mean old bully.
My sympathy is with SIL.
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@Joblue I agree that MIL has not acted in support of SIL ( and I’m not a fan of Bob’s). But MIL has made her choice and it’s Bob. If I were in SIL’s shoes I would be understandably hurt and maybe angry , but I would also realize that someone has to be the adult here and give in especially considering MIL is her mother, she isn’t going to defy Bob and her age.
Sometimes someone needs to just swallow their pride and accept the situation.
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I’m not sure why sil thought the convo with mil was so great this morning. What she described sounded to me like the same rehashing of, “Why don’t you like Bob?” Mil continues to make excuses for Bob.
She did say that her mom seemed like herself and not like Bobified-mom.
Whatever was said, sil doesn’t think Saturday is going to be a problem. Sil told her that she and dear nephew will go see her home at the CCRC if Bob is still at the boat. Sil believes they will both be on their best behavior at our home. I personally believe Bob will be sulky, but that really isn’t going to bother me.
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That gang-up joint phone call from Bob & MIL to SIL was all about Bob basically saying “I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! YOU WILL PAY ATTENTION TO ME!”
This sounds morbid, but MIL better hope that she doesn’t have serious health problems before he does because the minute she isn’t able to spend every waking minute paying attention to him, he will drop her just like he did his prior wife.
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The Peyton Place story continues as we wait with abated breath for an update after the visit!!! We are so invested in this saga! You are gracious to keep us informed.
I am very glad SIL is going to the CCRC. She obviously wants a relationship with her mother. I cannot STAND Bob.
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This is our fear.
We have, “heard,” that the reason wife #4 divorced him was that he told her he could not/would not take care of her after her knee replacement surgery. Notwithstanding the fact that she took care of him after each of his hip replacements. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but she had to live in the health care section (when she did not need it) and wait over a year to get back into the size of apartment she herself bought into at the CCRC when she first moved there as a widow. We have, “heard,” her sentiment was, “I am sick of Bob.” Her faith background is one that does not believe in divorce, yet she was the one who filed.
I think this is part of Bob’s push to get mil’s back, “fixed.” He isn’t going to take care of her. And, I mean, he also needs her out swabbing the deck, right?
They are going to see his ortho (the one who did his hip replacements) today in the hopes she can get an injection in her hip. Today. They are supposed to sail a week from Monday. I think this is pie in the sky thinking. Bob is the one who made this appointment for her. And he thought it was last Friday instead of this Friday so they showed up a week early. 
Sil did say she told mil in their phone conversation yesterday that we had NO idea how bad her back was. She claims it has only recently gotten particularly painful. Sil pointed out to her that she and I blather on about our days on the group text and how she shares precious little. We hope she will be more forthcoming about her health and her life in general going forward.
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I know you mentioned she had stopped walking every day. I know my back is far better when I’m walking regularly.
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PT gave her a cane to use. We hope they showed her how to properly use it and that she is.
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Sorry to hear she’s dealing with a bad back. I’m not a big fan of Bob, but the more healthy time they get together the better.
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Maybe she can try some water PT to help her back? I’m sorry she’s in pain and I’m sure this is making everything harder for her.
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The only thought I have reading the back and forth between MIL, Bob, and SIL is why can’t someone (and iMHO that should be Bob) say something like “Okay, it’s clear we have gotten off on the wrong foot for a while. But I love and care for your mom, so I apologize for anything I may have inadvertently said that upset you. I’d like to get to know you better and you get to know me better.”
I guess I am dreaming here, but a little vulnerability and openness can often overcome what seems to be an impasse between people.
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Just my two cents, but I do not believe that Bob has a vulnerable or open bone in his body.
I also think it is in his own interest to keep this rift going.
Can you tell I am not on “Team Bob”? 
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