We all hope so. Unfortunately, I know more women who have been scammed in their older years than who have found a second love of their life. Fingers crossed for OP’s MIL.
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When my father married, he used to explain he wanted to set things up so that a good chunk of his money (if any left) would end up with HIS grandchildren, not family of the new wife’s tbd 4th husband. Twenty years ago I thought that was a far fetched scenario. Alas, since as my friends (and their parents) have aged, I have had a few friends live through that kind of saga. Of course a retiree’s money is theirs to use as desired. Just good to avoid surprises.
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To be fair, I think amongst the many cautionary posts there have been encouraging posts as well. At any age it’s ok to have others looking out for your best interest. Of course what an individual desires to do is up to them.
There can be star/love struck people at any age - 20 or 40 or 80+ that may have their decision making clouded. And there are 80+ year olds that have a better handle on life than a 40 year old.
We are simply sitting on the sidelines with our popcorn 
hoping for the best but also making note of some of the less than ideal pieces of this relationship
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But, is it, “premature at the moment”? Because here is the latest: Sil went to mil’s yesterday to examine a tree issue she is having. She was asking some questions about Bob, and she finally just said, “So, Mom - am I about to have a new dad?” Mil said they were talking about it. He has told her (idk if this is true or not - it isn’t super relevant anyway) that if she married him she would not have to buy into the CCRC. So, he is pitching that advantage to her. She said she doesn’t expect anything to happen soon, “Unless he gets all romantic and gets the captain to marry us on the ship.” Thankfully, that wouldn’t count!!
@Youdon_tsay has presented a great summary of the concerns. Some things we have heard may just be rumors, but we know he started pursuing her while he was still married to wife # 4, and we know he was on her doorstep on June 4th when his divorce was final on May 31st, and we now know (b/c mil directly told si) that they are talking about getting married after having spent a grand total of eight days together. The combination of just those facts is enough to be objectively alarming.
Just to turn it around a bit, I wonder how folks would feel if your late 20s/early 30s adult kid were sharing the same information with you?
I am trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, but his history and the intel we are getting (which, granted, may be inaccurate) are giving me pause.
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I get your perspective, Hoggirl, and as a daughter-in-law, caring about your MIL’s best interests. With any couple, I would not rush into marriage. I suppose at their age, they don’t feel they have all the time in the world, but still, they should spend more time together before such a committment (I’d say that to anyone at any age).
All that said, while it is fair and understandable to have opinions on it all, she is an adult and as long as you can make sure her interests/finances are protected, she can do what makes her happy.
As far as young adults sharing “same information” with us as parents…welp, they are not likely to meet someone who has been married 4 times, LOL. But it is not unheard of to meet someone who has been married and divorced and may even have a child. I am not sure I’d be concerned if anything similar was going on with my young adults, though overall, am not into anyone getting married after barely knowing a person. But everything else you’ve mentioned like having sex already or going on a long trip together, would not concern me. By the way, my two kids are married and both knew their spouses a long while before they married them. One knew hers for 10 years first.
I can’t make sure her interests or finances are protected. I can encourage her to do that (rather my dh and his sister can), but that doesn’t mean she has to take the advice. She could sign over everything she has to him. That is well within her rights, but if she did that and then he later dumped her, we would be the ones dealing with the emotional and financial fall out.
I think we just have different viewpoints, and that is okay. I do appreciate your sharing your perspective. I appreciate everyone’s opinions on this.
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You can see why many elder couples opt to not marry. In this situation though, they might have worries over gossip at the senior living community.
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I think the issue is that to move into Bob’s CCRC, you can’t live together but must be married.
Is there a church affiliation associated with the CCRC?
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Op, you are handling this situation with a lot of patience and good humor, and your MIL is lucky to have you in her life. Fingers crossed he is just a needy guy with no agenda beyond having someone to have dinner with.
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After my father was widowed, his favorite line became, “Beware of widows bearing casseroles.” I love it!!
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The CCRC was founded by a group of churches, but I don’t know the answer to this. Idk if there are limits on how long you can have, “guests.” Just no idea.
Sil has suggested they alternate months (for those just now tuning in, they live three hours apart) staying at each other’s place. That would be a bad deal for Bob since he has to pay his fees whether he’s there or not. It’s around $5,600 per month per person
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It could all work beautifully well if they didn’t live three hours apart.
Swapping residences every month sounds possible while they figure out how much they REALLY want to be together. It sounds preferable to marrying someone you don’t really know and then getting a prompt divorce.
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It could be that 2 people not much more expensive than one(?) I suppose if there are meals involved that could be a factor too.
If the charge includes meals, light housekeeping and rent, that’s cheaper than my folks CCRC, which has a substantial buy-in. My mom’s fee for just herself was like $7500/month and only included one meal/day. Additional meals cost more.
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I’m guessing that Hawaii would be more expensive.
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At this CCRC the fees are per person with one meal per day included. Additional meals can be purchased. Weekly housekeeping and linen service are also included in that fee.
Buy-ins for the larger homes (which is where Bob is) start at $450k. They’re 3/2s with around 2,000 sq feet. Bob has told her she wouldn’t have to pay a buy in. We don’t know if that’s accurate or not. My friend whose in-laws live in the same community believes that is correct, however.
That’s been my experience when looking at CCRCs. She likely would have to pay a “second person” monthly fee.
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The fee is the exact same per person. So, the second person isn’t a lower fee.
That I know for sure.
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A second person in the same unit? I haven’t seen any place that would double the monthly fee for a second person in the same unit.