Actually, the concern would be…if MIL moves in…what happens if the BF dies (since she has not bought into the community).
You know…I’m of the opinion MIL should be cautious…but reality…she is an adult. If she can find some happiness and companionship in her golden years, maybe look at the cup as half full instead of half empty.
Hopefully they don’t make any major life decisions regarding moving until they know each other better.
I’d be worried about that at any age!
I also think that spending time together on vacation is nothing like moving in together. Vacation is all fun and games, especially a cruise where someone else is doing the cooking, cleaning, planing, etc…
FWIW, I think it’s good that family is keeping an eye on what’s going on.
The fees are the same per person according to my friend whose in-laws live right down the street from Bob.
Well, here’s hoping that Bob & MIL make good choices that work well for both of them.
IMO, there’s no reason for them to get married. Live together, maybe. But married?? Nothing but legal hassles if it doesn’t work out.
It doesn’t need to be a hassle if the marriage doesn’t work out. Two hours with a lawyer, a candid conversation with the heirs, and then an hour to review and sign the prenup.
Folks who are unwilling to admit that marriages don’t always last forever can get tangled up in costly proceedings. But if both parties want to make a possible divorce easy and cheap, some foresight will make that possible. And since the OPs husband already has a handle on the moms finances, it’s not likely to be complicated from her end. His kids want assets of his that he’s planning on spending now? Not the OPs problem!!!
Agree, except that I’d say with two lawyers. Not a fan of both parties having the same attorney.
My mom still says that she doesn’t approve of her grandchildren living with their SO before marriage. Then with a harrumph says, but no one asks me!
I think marriage for a certain generation is a non negotiable.
Besides I think that’s the only way she gets into Bob’s CCRC, their rules
What about if they get married and he gets seriously ill and it’s more than your mil can handle?. Does he have children/people who could step up? Or would your h/sil/you feel obligated to help care for her husband. I think your family has a right to be concerned.
Good point!
Fwiw, I think it’s easier for an older couple to sort through the issues that could be of concern and to decide how they are going to address those. Housing, assets, care if one gets sick.
A younger couple may also be thinking about having and raising children, how to manage careers, what to do with student debt, how to create assets, where to live, in-laws, etc – really, a lot to consider with decades in front of them.
And most older couples I know have committed quickly thinking there’s no point in waiting. And legal agreements can take care of the hairier stuff if they are on the same page. These two have history, albeit ancient, but that helps.
That’s what I think (but who cares what I think!). Maybe she’s more in love with the facility than Bob. The only way for her to get in without buy in ( if she can) might be through Bob and then marriage is the only way to retain it if he dies. Marriages have been built on less.
As long as there’s an escape for either party if other gets very ill and the “healthy one” is unable/unwilling to provide care. That is definitely something that needs to be addressed by everyone in a clear-eyed manner. It’s an equal opportunity issue, as no one knows what the future can bring–either one could be sidelined with a significant medical issue–one bad fall, some new health condition, dementia, who knows???
I’m an example of what can happen, out of the blue. In 2000 (while in my early 40s), I was diagnosed with a serious, progressive idiopathic condition and told to get my affairs in order. Fortunately, did NOT need the level of care that was anticipated and am still able to live a pretty active and full life, contrary to expectations. My H also was recently diagnosed (in his early 80s) with cancer. They BELIEVE it is treatable and maybe curable, but no promises, of course. Since we married for better or worse and believe our vows that were made nearly 40 years ago, we will figure it out.
If it was a recent marriage with someone we had only been seeing for days and known decades ago, I’m not sure we would feel the same as our bond wouldn’t be the same (especially if one of us has had multiple marriages).
He has two children. The son lives 30 minutes away. The daughter is in Georgia.
In theory, because he’s already in the CCRC he would simply move into the needed section; assisted living, memory care, or skilled nursing. So, while that wouldn’t mean mil wouldn’t have to contend/be involved with his care, the bulk of it is already prepared.
Mind you, I am saying this as one who has never personally dealt with end-of-life illness and care. So, my idea of how much she would have to do may be understated/naive.
She’s never seen the facility. She will next week when she visits him.
It would mean a move three hours away from where she has lived for the last 65+ years
Well, who knows what she’ll think of the CCRC. Time will tell. I know that when one of a couple moves to higher level of care, there is often an expectation that the partner with visit—often. We visited my mom regularly—every day she had one or more of us at her unit—independent and then skilled nursing. I wonder if either of the couple expects that level of visitation?
Don’t let the emotion of “she’ll be moving after 65 years” cloud your thinking. Many elderly people move. Usually against their will, either because their money runs out (ugh) and they end up living in one of the grandkids bedrooms, or because their medical needs become too overwhelming for the caretaker child/siblings to manage from a distance. If she moves out of her own free will instead of as a last resort…brava.
Wrong thread!
I honestly don’t know if she’s thinking about anything other than the current, “fun,” aspect.
I’m hoping she will spend some time with me away from Bob (a lunch/shopping outing) when she is here next week.
I’m all ears for any thoughts on how to approach talking to her. I’m in a unique position since I’m not as invested as an in-law/outlaw.
My general thought is to begin questions with, “Have you thought about….” Or, “Have you and Bob talked about…” Etc But y’all please chime in with gentle phrasings.
I remember framing things with my parents around “aren’t you lucky to have so many people who care about you?”