Bob isnt going to change his stripes and suddenly become a nurturing and attentive caregiver. MIL is going to need to be crystal clear about what she needs him to do, and more importantly, what she can’t/wont do while she’s feeling sick.
They should be talking to the CCRC clinic staff immediately. Even if the doc isn’t there, nurses are and should be able to help. That’s part of the benefit of being at a CCRC.
If this was my family, I’d have my H or SIL call to review meds and concerns
Good for you for calling out the winking!
When are they supposed to go on the trip? If MIL isn’t fully recovered the cruise staff may not let her on the ship.
Bob and MIL have not been together very long. They most likely do not know how to take care of each other. Bob can’t be a substitute for MIL’s own kids.
I think it was his son’s responsibility to take care of his mother - gone to the emergency room, made sure the discharge instructions were followed, gotten the grocery for his mother. It’s not OP’s responsibility as much as the son’s.
My mother was in the emergency room numerous times in the last few years. I advocated for her. She was so out of it that there was no way she could have understood what the doctors were saying to her. In the MIL’s case, Bob was probably more clueless than the MIL. He should not be trusted to take care of her. If it’s me, I would show up at their place with or without their invite, just so Bob wouldn’t take advantage of MIL and make sure she is well taken of. If it’s my mom, I wouldn’t let her go on the trip. My mom was going to on a cruise with her friends last year this time - yes, to Canada too. I cancelled for her and she ended up having to have a pacemaker put in. In 2 weeks we are all going to with her to make up for her cancelled trip.
I think family dynamics are very unique and different and what works in one family may not in another.
My parents would have told me to go take a flying leap if I tried to take over or showed up against their wishes unannounced. That would have totally backfired on me. Same with my in-laws. In our family, none of the elders ever wanted to not be in the driver’s seat with decision making. It took a long time before I was “allowed” to accompany my parents to dr’s appointments and such. Even when we had to invoke my mom’s health care POA when her ALZ was very bad, my dad fought me on lots of things.
And don’t even get me started on travel. My FIL is currently on a cruise by himself because his wife was too ill to go. She’s with her family while he’s away so will be fine (and in fairness she told him to go) but he’s going to be away for almost one month.
While MIL’s son or daughter could (I don’t want to say “should” ) do these things for their mom the important thing is that SOMEONE is doing that and it seems to be largely @Hoggirl maybe because she is nearby and has time flexibility (assuming).
I think there should be a text thread with @Hoggirl , her H and SIL all getting on the same page that if they don’t interfere MIL is not going to get the care she needs. Of course she has to let them.
I think the fact that Bob left sick MIL to go to Dillards to buy shirts (and expecting that a certain sales person would be there? - again, to serve him?) and the. Couldn’t complete the task without a sales persons assistance is very telling as to where his cognitive state is.
Bob could have taken one of the shirts he likes to Dillard with him, not just depend on one sales lady.
He goes to the market and buys eggs for himself, nothing for her.
Part of me is concerned she doesn’t ask or make her needs known to him.
How the heck do they think they can manage a cruise? Move luggage? Walk a long way to the dining room?
Sorry, just venting.
I’m in SE FL, so hoggirl, if you are in this area, I’d love to meet you in person.
I can not diagnose anyone and only know what’s going on in one set of eyes
I’m going to guess that Bob MIGHT be on the spectrum and this is how he’s always been.
It might be worse as he ages as narcissistic tendencies do and cognitive decline. But I have strong suspicions that this is who he’s always been
The question is how her children choose to address what is going on and when to intervene
I know H is against a text thread with his sister and wife but at this point I think he should really think about his mothers care
My mil hated to involve her children. But when she fell a year ago, both of her kids chose to get involved even she disagreed. Weakly though and she didn’t send them away.
Sometimes the message “we” need to send to the parent who does not want help is “I know you don’t want me/us to intervene, but I need to do this for myself so I can sleep at night” - make it about someone other than them.
Maybe that doesn’t work either tho!
The story about Dillards to me might be that Bob got there and couldn’t remember what he was looking for and possibly got confused. The story of a clerk not being there is the excuse not the reason
@Hoggirl Wow! That’s a lot. So happy you went to the store for MIL and got her some food. I have no words for Bob, but his behavior is not unusual for men that are his age. The wife does everything and doesn’t ask for help. It seems crazy to most of us, but that’s how my parent’s marriage was too. My dad was not as bad as Bob, but my mom did cater to him during their years together before his passing.
Just an aside. When we were in Bermuda visiting family earlier this month I brought everything and did a taco night one night. My BIL (he is 78) had to have his DIL make his tacos for him. I personally found it infuriating that a grown a** man could not walk around and put things into his tortillas like everyone else did! He is only 9 years older than my H, but BIL is an “OLD” man and my H is certainly not.
Sorry I’m behind. I may or may not remember to address everything.
We did not know they were going to the hospital. Mil called us after they’d been there at least a couple of hours. We offered to go up. She was in an observation room. Idk if they (edit - meaning hospital staff) would have let us in or not. She did not think we needed to do that. My dh offered to go pick them up and take them home if they didn’t admit her since Bob doesn’t drive at night. They went at 6:00 pm and didn’t think they’d be there that long so it didn’t occur to them they’d have to drive back after dark. They declined that offer as well. When I was there yesterday I told her she should have contacted dh, and he could have taken her to the hospital. She replied, “That would have hurt Bob’s feelings.” I told her I didn’t care about Bob’s feelings - I cared about her safety. No response.
I personally thought dh should have gone to, “lay eyes,” on his mother yesterday. He did not do that.
I don’t disagree that dh needs to be more involved, but he is still working full-time. The amount of texting that goes on in our group text would drive him crazy. I suppose if we kept that one to, “business only,” it could work.
@conmama - sil did not see her mother. When I said she helped convince her to let me go to the store, that was through the group text. Sil and dear nephew were here Saturday but did not see mil because of her being unwell/puking.
Mil has tried to reach someone at the CCRC clinic to no avail. I am on standby.
Please know that I think most of us give you SO much credit and do not mean to diss your H - after all we don’t know the whole relationship story. I think we are all (for better or worse) living in the moment with you lol, and just simply CARE.
I hope when you told Bob to knock off the winking , it felt like your cc friends were on your shoulder cheering you on.
100% he has always been that way. The one time we met his son, he was teasing Bob/talking about when he himself (the son) was a student he knew exactly where he could find his professor dad eating lunch every single day and at what exact times he’d be there.
He and mil eat at the same two restaurants every Friday and Sunday nights. I know what he eats every single time he goes to First Watch for lunch. I know what he eats every single time he goes to a local lunch spot. Same bat time, same bat channel all the time.
This is what she said - he would help if she asked him. Whether that is true, I do not know, but it is absolutely a generational thing. She waited on my fil hand-and-foot.
All of those are excellent questions. I can only hope I can go with them if and when she sees the MD. I want to ask the doc if they should go on this trip. I can ask them those questions in front of the doctor. The reality is that they are going to do what they are going to do. We cannot prevent them from going, even if the doctor says their going is ill-advised
We will be visiting the Tampa Bay Area when we (hopefully) vacation down there in a couple of weeks. So, not nearby! But thanks for the offer!
Interesting that Bob is that rigid / might be on the autism spectrum but he managed to convince 5 (is that the right #?) women to marry him. Your mil knows Bob left previous wife because of a medical situation he didn’t want to deal with. She knows he won’t take care of her. Yet she wants to maintain the image that he is taking care of her by not offending him by having her son drive her to the hospital.
It was very nice of you to let your H and son spend quality time together by taking one for the team.
Are you SURE Bob doesn’t have an eye twitch issue? The winking in that situation is crazy.
And, I appreciate you all SO MUCH! It’s incredibly helpful to have a place to vent AND to get ideas and perspectives from those who have dealt with elders before. I realize the most recent direction this story has taken might be more appropriate in the, “parents caring for parents,” thread. But, since Bob’s role is an overarching theme in her care (or lack thereof), I’ve added that aspect here. Plus, I don’t want to hog that thread. When I selfishly already have my own - lol.
The good thing about a forum like this (compared to being F2F or on the phone with someone) is the ability to scroll on by/disengage when you’re sick of hearing about it - lol
The reason I don’t think that is because of the previous incident I mentioned before they married. When we were out to dinner with them, and we were discussing all mil had to do to relocate to the CCRC. And how I stated that out loud. “Gee, mil. You have a lot to do!” And her replying, “I do!” And, my looking at Bob at saying, “You don’t have to do anything.” And he replied, “That’s right,” WITH a wink. It came across as being so smug to me. Granted, I am hugely biased, but it was very, “Look! I’ve duped another one!” to me.
- if so, he should be able to fully do that himself - and maybe make one for MIL too.
They declined that offer as well. When I was there yesterday I told her she should have contacted dh, and he could have taken her to the hospital. She replied, “That would have hurt Bob’s feelings.” I told her I didn’t care about Bob’s feelings - I cared about her safety. No response.
