This confirms my suspicion that he’s just looking for a nurse to take care of him.
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I would sadly say he is definitely not one who would support your MIL if she has needs that would interfere with his enjoyment of life. It seems that he has not shown a track record of looking after his former spouses when their needs were “inconvenient” for him.
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Update on Bobgate:
Mil spent the day with Friend L yesterday. Lunch, visiting a friend in the hospital, shopping, and Happy Hour.
Friend L reports that mil stated her purpose in coming up to the CCRC next week is to decide if she wants to move there. They are meeting with the financial people to learn what buy in she might have to pay upon moving in and what additional buy-in she might have to pay should he predecease her.
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Love the name Bobgate!
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Honestly, it is SO much funnier with his real name slightly morphed 
It’s about the only light-hearted aspect of this saga anymore
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I hope your MIL understands the financial obligations and implications of payment at this CCRC. Is she financially pretty good? Will she be going to this meeting by herself??
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Great question. It could be extremely helpful to have another pair of ears as well as someone else to ask questions. When DH and I do things like this, we often impose our own interpretations on some of the nuanced or omitted items and need to go back for clarification-- and that’s when we have gone together.
I have wondered if Bobgate is filling a need for drama and excitement in her life. There is often less of that as we age, in that “less to look forward to” kind of way, and this is a wonderful antidote.
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She is financially sound. She can afford to do this. Whether it’s a good idea is a separate issue.
I am sure she is going to the meeting with Bob. My husband works full-time. She has not mentioned to him at all. She can’t ask him to go to a meeting last-minute, so I’m guessing she has no plans to ask him.
Friend L said it took her all day to get this info out of her. Very defensive. Not forthcoming.
I’m not sure she could pull all her financials together without dh’s help. I sure hope she doesn’t attempt to do figure out how to facilitate this on her own. I fear she’d pull money from somewhere which would cause some VERY unintended tax consequences.
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Perhaps someone should have a conversation with her about not signing anything on the spot.
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As long as she’ll be at the facility maybe she should knock on the ex-wives doors too for the real information she needs.
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The problem is that none of us has been told about any of this from mil herself. The only reason we know she is meeting with the CCRC people is because Friend L told us.
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Yes I was just about to say that we/you can guess all the scenarios, offer up all the advice and pitfall possibilities but really it seems that AT NO POINT in this saga has your MIL asked anyone - not her family - for advice. And it’s clear she IS thinking ahead re: financial issues to a point - but I think she is going to do what she wants to do.
It is prerogative. It seems she is an independent woman or is not used to or interested in seeking family advice.
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She was very controlled by my fil. I think in her mind she is viewing this as her making independent decisions while not seeing Bob is stealthily navigating this 
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@Hoggirl I’m wondering how your husband is feeling about this situation?
Because I know my husband’s philosophy is to ignore everything until it’s crunch time and then try his best not to get involved
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Yes, I would say this is an accurate characterization of my dh as well.
I am a person who tries to think through every single contingency waaaaay ahead of time. In all situations. He is not that way at all.
The reality is we have no control over this situation or what she does. Mil has told my dh and me virtually nothing. She’s told my sil as little as possible and begrudgingly at best and with an outburst and not speaking to her for two days at worst.
I think she’s already made up her mind even before she lays eyes on the CCRC.
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If MIL buys in and then she and Bob split, what happens to her?!?! Does she have option to stay in her own unit? Would she want to be with those 400 people including Bob & ex-wives?!?!
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We don’t know.
Friend L said yesterday that they are letting wife #4 stay in assisted living while she waits for an apartment. Which is the level she bought in at. Then surrendered her apartment to move into Bob’s house. Waitlist is predicted to be 3 years for an apartment. But, idk what happens if someone else truly needs to go into AL. I don’t know how that works anyway if there is no room at the inn when someone needs to go in.
These are all rumors about wife #4.
But, it’s a the main reason we would like for mil to keep her current house in her current town.
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Gee Bobgate is full of swirling unknowns. I hope wife 4 finds AL tolerable while she waits for an independent unit. Seems like a complicated juggling act at CCRC.
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“But, idk what happens if someone else truly needs to go into AL. I don’t know how that works anyway if there is no room at the inn when someone needs to go in.”
In our experience…the family ends up paying out of pocket for the meds management, extra time with the CNA or LPN, etc while they wait. And there was a hospitalization from a fall, couldn’t find a rehab bed so the parent went back to the facility and we paid “retail” for 24 hours care…
This was 15 years ago and the cost was 20k per month while we waited for the “room at the inn”.
So eventually had to move the parent before we exhausted every dollar.
This is not unusual. These places "guarantee " the higher level of care but you can be waiting months until a unit becomes available. Ask lots and lots of questions. What happens with a C-diff or norovirus outbreak – what is the upcharge for getting meals in the unit if the resident can’t go to the cafe or dining room for meals? So many hidden expenses…
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I’m guessing we aren’t going to have the opportunity to ask any questions, unfortunately.
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