Well. they all live at Bob’s place. Maybe he gets a finder’s fee.
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She could ask the living of Bob’s former spouses🙄
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First of all, leaving the town where you’ve lived for 65 years?? Unless I absolutely needed to for some physical reason, there’s no way in hell I would do that.
Don’t we all love it when we go to the grocery store, library, pharmacy, and so forth and run into people we knew in town 25 years ago? Just a few weeks ago I was chatting with someone I didn’t know very well, who has also lived in my town for over 30 years, and she was trying to tell me where a particular store is located. All I had to say was, “Oh, right where Pier I used to be?” We had a good laugh at how we oldtimers are always referencing locations by what was there 20 years ago!
Second, the fact that MIL has said nothing will happen until the end of the year is fantastic. It sounds like she is definitely taking her time and considering the pros and cons. @Hoggirl , I’m hopeful that your nonjudgmental tone during your lunch will encourage her to talk to you about Bob and not the others.
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Just pointing out that a significant number of elderly people HAVE to leave the town they’ve lived in for 65 years. Finances, health, adult children needing help with grandchildren, custody of minor grandchildren due to the parent’s incarceration or addiction… there are lots of reasons, most out of our control, where we need to be flexible if we’re going to have any quality of life.
I don’t think that moving three hours away is the crisis y’all are making it out to be. As long as the MIL has worked through the emotional, practical and financial ramifications- she’s an adult. And if she’s in decent health and isn’t suffering cognitive decline, she can learn where the library, grocery, ATM machine, dentist, etc. are in a new place. Millions of people do it for far sadder reasons than “I have a new boyfriend”.
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This has been a big concern for sil. And worse, that mil would do this but wind up miserable but STAY miserable because she wouldn’t want to admit she had been wrong/made a bad choice.
I have no idea how $$ an uber or car service would be. But, overall, significantly less than what she is proposing to do. The problem is that I do not think Bob is going to be satisfied with anything less than her moving up here and in with him.
I don’t think he really expects her not to go back tomorrow. I think it’s just more love bombing. Just a way to continue to pressure her to eventually do move up. I think she has told him end of the year and he will, “allow,” for that. I did ask her what she would do if he gave her an ultimatum. She didn’t really respond, but I don’t think she’d considered that.
As far as the ex-wives go. Ex-wife # 1 (the mother of their children) and Bob divorced a long time ago. She remarried and eventually moved into the CCRC with him. Ex-wife #3 (who was wife #4) had done her own buy in after being widowed and was living in an apartment in the CCRC. I think they have her staying in AL (because there is space??) and on a wait-list to get back into an apartment.
Mil would do her own buy-in at the smallest apartment level but move into Bob’s house. In theory, if they divorced, she’d be eligible for that smallest apartment. But there has to be availability.
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That seems like a good reason for sil to try to tone things down!
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I do hope she does wait until the end of the year, to think things through and also works with your H about finances and is sure she has her house to return to if things don’t go as she envisions.
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I think the role reversal where we the children worry about our parents is one of the most difficult aspects of growing older.
As the parent, we want to make our own decisions, don’t want to be questioned, this is what we are used to.
We definitely don’t want anyone to think our decision making process is in any way not the same as it was!
I’m sure, it’s also hard to deal with a sibling who you may not agree with their choices either.
My mother moved near my sibling. Mom is not good with changes, even as a young person. I know my dad was a buffer for more of her moods. It was a very difficult time and took around a year before mom felt comfortable. Her health also went down, whether or not that was because of the move or because it was going to happen at that time, I’ll never know for sure.
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@Hoggirl , I’m so glad your MIL has you, and I hope that she can make the best decision for herself without being reactionary.
There’s a Quaker concept of a “clearness committee”. When you’re making a big decision, you convene a group of people you respect and trust, and they ask you questions to ensure you are clear inyour path forward.. For a couple considering marrying, it could be “where do you both stand on having children?” Or “you’ll be living is his hometown, so what issues might that present and what can you do to manage them?” Or how do you resolve differences or process anger?" Iow, the committee helps the decider think through the issues, how they feel about them, and helps them achieve clarity on the path forward. What I love about this is that the committee doesn’t give advice, so there is nothing to push back against but they do ask that you consider issues in your decision.
It sounds like you may be a clearness community of one for your MIL. And at some point, it’s fair to ask how she feels about the pressure/interference from other family members and if they are impacting her decision. She may just need to say some of that out loud. It could be that her decision isn’t altered by your SIL but that she feels angry with her and that she can’t share with her. And that would be a bad outcome for everyone.
It’s great she has your ear. In many ways, this can’t be easy for her, and a good confidante will make a difference-- even if it’s having an avenue if it goes south down the road. Nobody likes to embark on a big decision with everyone around them saying “you made your bed, now sleep in it.”
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This is so profound. I think there’s a difference between someone you trust saying “Did you consider X?” vs. having a loved one say 'This is a terrible idea. Bob can’t possibly know what’s best for you the way your own family can".
A friend of mine had a heartbreaking situation recently. Mom had been widowed for a while, married a man she hadn’t known long (but he seemed like a kind, good person) just because they were both tired of being widowed, lonely, and getting invited to dinners only when there was an empty chair, feeling like a fifth wheel, etc.
She was diagnosed with dementia not long after they married-- and once it started progressing rapidly, my friend had a sit down with the husband’s children. They were able to agree on a path- they’d encourage the husband to move closer to one of his kids once they needed to put the mom in assisted living. And that’s what happened. They “separated” if you can call it that. Heartbreaking for everyone, but my friend didn’t want to stick a relatively new husband with the care of the wife; the husband’s children didn’t want to feel like they were encouraging their dad to bail, so they needed “permission” to put his needs first. They had a rock solid pre-nup so the finances were never an issue. And if the mom’s money ran out, her kids would provide-- not a husband of two years and his children.
Nobody can predict the future. But Garden- I love the clarity of your approach!!!
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The Catholics have something a bit similar to the Quaker committee, in that they have folks go on a retreat (with other couples) if they want to get married in the Catholic Church. During the retreat, they have a lot of guided discussions and have facilitators that just pose questions for the couple to ponder and talk through, so they can get to know better how each stands on various issues. It was interesting to hear the other (generally significantly younger) participants exclaim that they hadn’t discussed money, child rearing, and a host of other issues. I thought the issues raised were good and they were open ended, just so that the couple would have a dialog about the issues and go into the relationship with eyes open. H and I were on the same page about all the issues and had discussed them at length on our own schedule previously.
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My sister did another option (I think there are 3, with the retreat being one). She had 150 questions to answer (as did her husband) and they had the same answers on 148 of them. My sister refer to the other 2 questions as 'the ones Tom got wrong."
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Haha! I hadn’t been informed that we had any other options. They offered us the retreat and we thought the idea of going to one was attractive so we happily attended and enjoyed the lovely rustic atmosphere. I think if we had a questionnaire we would have gotten the same answers on just about all of them as well, as we did during the discussions.
Poor Tom!
Believe me, this was only the first of many things he got wrong.
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Did the couples stay together in the same room on the premarital retreat?
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I had to laugh at this - did you mean like overnight? IN THE SAME ROOM?! AT A CATHOLIC RETREAT? DECADES AGO?!!! 
H and grew up Catholic and were married in 1981. We were required to go to a Catholic marriage retreat. I think it was just a day long thing. Not overnight.
We only did it because it was required. We had dated 5 years + previously - we definitely discussed all the things ahead of time. We did our time, got the certificate and got out of there!
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I’m not sure these marriage encounter weekends are well suited for this couple.
We were given this as an engagement gift…and I’m not Catholic, and DH fell out years ago. And we were not getting married in the Catholic Church. But my MIL didn’t get it. We went. This was the conversation when we got to the check in table.
Us: we are the Thumper to be couple
Priest: oh…you are the ones who got this as a gift. We NEVER thought you would show up!
This priest was terrific.
But these retreats spend a lot of time on what folks in first marriages should consider (remember…divorce in the Catholic Church isn’t exactly a plus). Things like budgeting, family planning (or lack of same), setting up a household, etc.
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I have asked for clearness committees on all kinds of things, including job changes! It helped with the decision, of course, but it also made me feel loved and nurtured. It’s a great feeling to get that kind of thoughtful support - and vote of confidence-- from friends and elders. It sounds like @Hoggirl does this for her MIL.
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No, we all had same sex room mates and each of us had a single bed (kind of like rustic dorms). It was ok but the woman I shared with was about a decade younger and for H I’m sure his room mate was 2+ decades younger. We just relaxed and went with the flow.
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